The effect of College on Friendships

:biggrin: okay...so i finished my first year of college. But now, it seems all the friends I made in high school (I mean the close ones) seem farther away from me now (therefore not so close anymore). I really don't know what to say ' cause these are the same people who used to say best friends forever and have blood pacts and what not. I mean, it hurt for a little bit, finding out that I was basically just something to be cherished when needed and then thrown away once I became useless, but i got over that. The point is that I just wanted to find at least one other person who has experienced that; their entire inner circle of confidantes just crumbling away from them.

P.s. Don't get me wrong, part of this is my fault ( I just can't figure out which part yet). It's a little hard to believe that I'm the only one feeling like this right now and I'm just asking if this is a normal part of life people just have to go through and live with...or have i just been sodomized by my own "friends"

Grrr

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yeah, real college has this effect on friendships, it seems.
I didn't realize how hard it is to keep up on HS friendships until I was the one on the 'keeping up' end; previous to my graduation and leaving my hometown, I had older friends that took off to university and I never, ever heard from them. Or they were really flaky about making plans, and I would only see them maybe at Christmas.

Then I went off to 'real college' (I say that because I went to community college in my hometown for two years -- which makes it easier to keep up with old HS friends). I feel terrible, but I didn't talk to most everybody that I was good friends with. One guy, an oooold friend (we're talking since 6th grade here) I didn't have contact with for over half a year. At the moment, I don't really talk to any of my old high school-only friends; only the friends that have weathered with me through school changes and house moves -- the ones from elementary school -- are the ones that have stuck with me. And they are 3 in number.

But it sounds like your friends have been the ones that didn't hold up their end of the friendship? Sometimes I blame myself for not communicating with people and letting ties break down over time, but then I remember that it takes two to make a friendship . If they don't get in contact with you, it's just as much their fault as it is yours. Of course, I've had "friends" that kind of float from one person to the next -- one of them I was quite close to, but as soon as he graduated he just disappeared off the face of the planet, even though he only went to the aforementioned community college -_-.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

see I've been moving since I was a little kid (country to country wise) so my value of friendship was probably superficial until i got to high school after i moved at the start of freshman year. It just sux even more because i put so much work and love and energy into THIS friendship that i just can't seem to let it fail and just let it go.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I think as you grow up, you find less in common with those people with whom you used to be friendly. Additionally, after college as well, you all go your separate ways, and generate new lives for yourselves. There is less opportunity to include the friends of your past. Some of those relationships will fail.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

It seems right around college is where a lot of friendships end. It seems like friendship is based a lot of similarities. When you go to college or pursue whatever you choose to after high school, you and your friends' lives quickly dart off in separate directions. From what I've seen, there comes a point where you share little in common with them; their entire lives and outlooks on life have changed; you begin to lose what you had in common with them.

But I don't think it's so much college as it is adulthood in general.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Mostly, it's just conflicting schedules that seem to break up most friendships, whereas High School had everyone going to class at the same time. In college you end up taking harder classes that such away more personal time, so it's natural that you wouldn't be able to meet with friends as often as before. What with studying, being employed, it really sucks away your free time to unwind with them.

I was lucky that most of my friends tried to work their classes and jobs in the morning and afternoon so we could hang at night. Of course, my parents and I moved away from my hometown, so now I only see them on vacation. It isn't necessary to say what's become of our friendship since then.

The only thing that is reasonable is to find a means to spend time with your friends as often as you can. It might not be like it was a year ago, but at least it will be something. Show them that you value the bonds you've formed and that you want to keep them.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Pretty much what happened to me is that I found a lot more mature people. People whose humor was at least a little bit above the level of "Harod and Kumar Go To White Castle," and weren't constantly horny for boobs. I still hang out with the guys I know from high school, but I think a lot longer lasting relationships are forming @ my college.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't exactly enjoy spending all of my time around people who have nothing on their mind but sex.

FELIPE NO

Hahah. Well all your points are valid and all but I don't want to fail at this (I'm just too asian I guess). I still have some hope left because i talked to a few of them yesterday and it seems to THEM that I was the one that seemed to want to just break everything off (a thought which blows my mind as to why they would think that when they're the ones that go off by themselves--i mean it gets kinda lonely when during the rare times we do hang out they're talking and I don't know what the hell they're talking about or they have their new inside jokes that i don't get) Sigh. I don't know. Whatever I'm just really tired now.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by sleipner

Hahah. Well all your points are valid and all but I don't want to fail at this (I'm just too asian I guess). I still have some hope left because i talked to a few of them yesterday and it seems to THEM that I was the one that seemed to want to just break everything off (a thought which blows my mind as to why they would think that when they're the ones that go off by themselves--i mean it gets kinda lonely when during the rare times we do hang out they're talking and I don't know what the hell they're talking about or they have their new inside jokes that i don't get) Sigh. I don't know. Whatever I'm just really tired now.

When I met up with old high school friends after about six months of no contact, I felt out of place at times as well. They still seemed to maintain the same level of maturity that I remembered from high school, and I suppose I changed too much to keep up with them, so to speak.

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My friends mainly hung out with their boyfriends, so we were more like school-buddies than blood buddies. However, I have had friendships that lasted since Elementary school and it is difficult to keep in contact with my friends. This doesn't mean that we are not friends, but that we need to have long phone conversations in order to discuss what has been happening in our lives.

I do believe that college can destroy friendships (friend + one dorm + a semester or two = KILL!!!) but if people can realize that being friends isn't about hanging out every day or every other day, then keeping friendships could become easier. It's still difficult since all of my friends are either in serious relationships or married, but when we pick up the phone months later and start talking to one another, we try to pick up where we left off. There are a lot of friends I haven't seen since high school, but as far as I'm concerned we are still friends unless one of us says otherwise.

Frankly, I prefer my high school friends over my college "friends". They are less deceiving and less stuck-up.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I think its happening to me right now. Even though i am out of college and only one of my friends is going in for more college. i dunno what really happened, everyone says that people just change and they become incompatiable with each other after that.

Kinda sucks though cause these friendships were very long lasting.

How ya doing, buddy?

I have two good high school friends left. And really, I don't care that I don't have any more than that, because this way it's easier to just pick up and leave for wherever I can get the best job. Fewer attachments.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I've had similar experience. Right when I entered college, it was as if my entire life flipped over. Not necessarily in a bad way. You make new friends, and from my experience, friends who share similar goals and hobbies as you. I find that more intriguing than my high school acquaintances, who were generally more interested in what t-shirts to wear or guys they like. Sometimes the drift is so great that even talking to them on AIM becomes difficult, much else, the phone.

But change, as one of my professors say, is the only constant. It saddens me to think I only have so little time left with my college mates, and I probably won't ever find a more common group of friends. As for high school, my friends, even the few close ones I held, gradually drifted from me. College is just time consuming, and the people you spend it with everyday makes it more bearable. Unlike high school, to me.

If your friends feel like they can't keep their end of the bargain, maybe it's time to let it drift. Eventually, if anyone really wants to keep the relationship together, someone will contact you, and you can then see where that goes. Otherwise, be prepared to basically never talk to them again, unless you go to a university where all of your friends go to (I didn't).

I was speaking idiomatically.

I'm assuming that most of you must have dormed, correct? Usually with that you get to spend A HELLUVA lot of time with other people. Most of my friends dorm and it's probably the big reason for all of this. But since I don't dorm (Rutgers University is basically my backyard) i still feel like I'm in high school, driving to and from school, making only "schoolmate" type friends and not the true bonding experience other people seem to enjoy.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

It's sort of sad, being more of a "forced separation" kind of situation, but I think it will somehow even out. When your friends go into totally different faculties than you, it's hard having to suck it up and not be able to see them anywhere near as often as HS.

I mean, it's sort of odd for me, as "hello" friends from high school have become more of "let's meet up once in a while" kind of friends. Sadly, that's the same thing that's happened with some of my closer friends though. You do get a chance to meet new people, but then your old friendships start to fade away, if you don't constantly see each other.

If you have really good friends, then a nice long chat about what's happened over the past few months of not seeing each others can be really refreshing. You don't have to always meet up to still have a sense of closeness.

I too, don't live off-campus/in residence since Mcmaster University is just a bus ride away. It's your choice really. If you think pursuing your new friendships more closely than your old treasured ones is better, then go for it.
If you would rather invest more time into relationships that you really want to preserve, then that's great too.

FELIPE NO

I read in an article recently that people now only have about 2 close friends or less, and most of the time that includes family. I was told that your HS friends will stay your friends forever, but that can be debated. You grow so much during HS but you grow even more during college. Your college friends actually will stick with you over the years as you get jobs, start a family etc. But even in college, and when you go into the work place, the friends you make aren't really all that close. (they can be, but most of the time they aren't)

After living in the Bay Area for 6 years now, I realize that people have a ton of friends around them, but really no one close to them. I'd rather have a few friends that are close to me than 50+ friends that I hang out with but I really don't know them all that well. I think once we get older, people don't really put the effort to get to know people, they just hang out for the sake of hanging out and become your face friends. It's almost like coworkers, like you see them because you're supposed to, but other than that you kind of keep a distance.

I'm lucky to have a few close friends since HS. We don't talk all that much but when we do, we pretend as though nothing has changed and we can still have a good time. It might not be the same as seeing each other everyday and crying on each other's shoulders, but I know that throughout my life, we will still keep in touch, even if it means seeing each other once a year only or less. I think the bonds you make with friends in your childhood will last longer than the friends you make as you get older. When you're older you kind of know who / what type of person you'll get along with and you'll probably become close, but that doesn't mean you'll ostracize the others. (of course I don't bother hanging out with people I just don't like)

Keeping in touch is important, but if you don't for awhile, it's not like they'll be resentful or anything if they really are your friends... you'll find out then if they are. People lead busy lives, HS was so easy to just "hang out" all the time. Youl'l make new friends and then you don't really dwell so much on your previous ones.

How ya doing, buddy?

HAhahah. okay now that i've gotten some perspective on the situation i really don't feel so bad. Really, I just believed that I was the only one getting screwed and it was starting to piss me off. Thank you so much. :3

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I'm afraid that this will happen to me. I have a lot of high school friends that I know I'll lose touch with because we never really hung out outside of school, but there are 5 people that I really care about and I don't want to lose them. Two of them are going to schools an hour away from me, and they say we'll hang out but I get the feeling that we will end up being too busy or we just won't get around to it. We all went through a really rough experience in high school which made us much closer, and I really don't want to lose that.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Regarding dorming, yes, I live in a dorm, and I plan to do so for all 4 years of my college life. There are pros and cons to on/off campus, but the main point I like to stress is that I only have 4 years to actually live with my friends and the rest of my life not to, so why start living off campus early? Basically that's my theory. If money is an issue, then by all means live off. For me it's basically the same cost on/off. I know a few people who live off campus but come on campus so much that it seems like they live on. It's all on how those people deal. If you really want to make close friends, join clubs, and stay on campus longer than you need to. You might meet some interesting people and know familiar faces.

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umm...yeah. I think it's over. Thanks for the advice but it couldn't work out....::sigh::...Now:biggrin: on to better and brighter things (and people) ...I guess.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I just finished first year too. As for my High school friendships, some have gotten stronger, becuase they're going to the same uni as me and some weaker. I just don't see them as much. Sometimes all of us gather and do stuff but not as often as we used to. But i still try to chat to them when i have the time.

I was speaking idiomatically.

just wondering. where do/did you go to college?

i definately feel i've sort of lost contact with a lot of HS friends. the thing is.. i also didn't make too many close college friends. so i feel somewhat isolated in both areas.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I agree, moving on to college has brought a lot of my previous high school friendships to a close. Since pretty much all of my high school friends attend different colleges, it's only natural that you begin to let go and and make new friends.

To be honest, ever since I graduated, my friendships basically began to dissolve on their own, which didn't bother me at all. It's just time to move on.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by dhsu87

just wondering. where do/did you go to college?

i definately feel i've sort of lost contact with a lot of HS friends. the thing is.. i also didn't make too many close college friends. so i feel somewhat isolated in both areas.

I would say I'm in the same boat. In high school I made some very close friends, with whom I'm beginning to lose touch now. In college it can be difficult to make such friendships with sporadic classes of hundreds of (often different) people.

However this is not to say I didn't make close friends with people outside of college. My interests fall outside of the majority of those on my course anyway, so I guess it's to be expected.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

wellllll...though I do like the closeness of high school classes, I also like the certain dignified aloofness of college.

for example, I go to rutgers and you need a bus to get anywhere on campus. I meet very interesting people on the bus. In college, I've found people to be quite friendly and open. We just start speaking about the most random things. We act liike friends, and people around us will think we are friends and once I get off the bus, we say good bye and prolly never meet ever again. No emotional connection needed.

In high school, I only talked to my close circle...and everyone was either with us...or they were "them". There were always cliques and set social lines you could not pass.

I don't know...it's just a breath of fresh air.

Jam it back in, in the dark.