GFF Literary Workshop: Trial Week 1

Trial Week 1: closed
Welcome to the trial run of a rotating literary workshop here at GFF. Each week will feature a new piece of member-written literature for you to critique and constructively criticize. Download and read the work at the bottom of this post, and offer your comments!

Depending on the status of this trial run, this may become a permanent fixture of the Creators' Café.

Comment Rules
There are no rules per se, but all comments are expected to be mature and within the bounds of common decency. The key is to be as helpful as possible to allow the author to improve their work.

Each work will be open for comments for one week, starting on Monday and ending on Sunday.

Submission Rules
The workshop is open to any and all GFF members; simply post in the thread and ask to be added to the queue. New participants are automatically placed at the top of the queue to allow them a week to prepare a submission.

Please send all submissions to orion_mk2@yahoo.com. Be sure to include your GFF username, preferably in the subject line. Submissions can be sent at any time, and will be held until your next turn in the queue.

Length
From Week 2 onward, submissions are limited to prose only.
Prose: 500-5000 words
Poetry: 10-line minimum
Plays: 500-word minimum, 10 page maximum

These are just guidelines; submissions slightly over the limits may be allowed. Sections of longer works are also allowed.

Format
Submit work in .doc, .txt, .rtf, or .pdf format.

Queue:
Ozma
The Wise Vivi
Phone
Ayos
Helloween
Dark Nation
Lycanthrope
Pyromaniac
Matt
RainMan
orion_mk3
Acro-nym

People in bold have submitted work for their week. If you have not submitted anything by the time your week begins, you will be moved to the bottom of the queue and the next participant who has submitted will go.

This Week's Submission
Neverborn by Acro-nym
Prose, 800 words

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Wow. It's a lot shorter than I remember. I distinctly remember being over the amount of words required. Huh.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Acro-nym

Wow. It's a lot shorter than I remember. I distinctly remember being over the amount of words required. Huh.

Just a trial run, pal. These things are to be expected

Additional Spam:
Well, to kick things off, here's my analysis of Neverborn.

The story is very gripping at the outset, establishing a series of questions in the reader's mind--What's going on? How will the protagonist react? It's an effective hook, and made me want to read further. There are some nice character moments as well, little things (like buying groceries for customers) that establish the protagonist as a likable, decent fellow. This helps expand on the hook, by presenting readers with a character that has potential.

I would say that I'd like to see more of Howard, the protagonist, in the story. He's there throughout the action, yes, but aside from the touches I mentioned a moment ago readers don't really get into his head. What was he thinking/feeling when he had those awful events befall him? How did it compare to things before? In establishing this--perhaps with the addition of some dialogue, as the story is mostly narration--you'll uncover more details about the character and his motivation.

The plot device of "never being born" may strike some as being a little cliché, but as developed it has some potential--you seem to imply that the protagonist is in an alternate universe, for example. I'd suggest discarding the mysterious stranger in favor of something more compelling, or perhaps a spontaneous, unexplained granting of Howard's off-the-cuff wish. The ending, while suggestive, feels rushed: the character of Crath isn't well developed, and there's no real indication of why Howard feels that messing with lab chemicals can help him; perhaps that would be something to tie in with the beginning of his "condition?"

I'd suggest developing the protagonist first and foremost, followed by further development of the plot. Work hard to make Howard likable, and to move the plot towards an original spin on the "Wonderful Life" story, and there's potential.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Great, it's started! So when/will the weeks be assigned? I know this is a trial run, so is it a trial merely for this week or will it continue to the next people?
--

A brief thought on Neverborn: Well written and a decent idea but it gets sort of vague near the end. I may have to reread it. I think I missed whatever linked the main character's situation to that of the Professor.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

Great, it's started! So when/will the weeks be assigned? I know this is a trial run, so is it a trial merely for this week or will it continue to the next people?

The first two weeks were pre-assigned to Acro-nym and Ozma as a trial. If everything goes well with them, we'll continue uninterrupted down the queue. If there are problems or participation lags, I may have to tinker with things a bit, but hopefully that won't happen.

The best way to secure your spot (and the future of the event!) is to submit a work and comment on someone else's

I was speaking idiomatically.

Check your email when you get a chance Orion. I had a chance to start something and send it your way.

I'll give 'Neverborn' a better look tonight after class.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by RainMan

Check your email when you get a chance Orion. I had a chance to start something and send it your way.

Thanks, RainMan! Your queue status has been updated

FELIPE NO

Is it alright if I submit something this weekend, or is it like, something to be READ on the weekend?

If it needs to be done yesterday, then I'll try and make something out tonight (if you reply soon) or tomorrow night, because I got inspired on the way home tonight listening to Mix CDs =D

I say this weekend so that I'll have more time to focus on it.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by INDIGO-2

Is it alright if I submit something this weekend, or is it like, something to be READ on the weekend?

If it needs to be done yesterday, then I'll try and make something out tonight (if you reply soon) or tomorrow night, because I got inspired on the way home tonight listening to Mix CDs =D

I say this weekend so that I'll have more time to focus on it.

You can submit at any time. Since Ozma has submitted for next week, and you're further down the queue, there's at least this week and next (possibly more) before you'd be going.

So work on it, harvest the inspiration, and no need to rush!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Woo~ This is definitely a thread I could get into, add me to the queue, eh? Alright, anyway, on with it...

The story starts out pretty strong, I think. As Orion mentioned, putting questions in the readers mind as to just what's going on. Most of the ideas are well developed. I remember writing stories exactly like this when I was younger, however. Some people may construe it as unoriginal, but I like these types of stories so they can piss off. Heh.

The second paragraph is a little weak in content but it has some good ideas. I can see how you were trying to do a little foreshadowing before revealing what exactly is going on, which is good. Think about describing the setting more in this paragraph.

The next couple of paragraphs set up exactly who this man and they do it effectively. The paragraph where you describe his shortcomings and how his wife is cheating on him and the world is exploding (oh noes) seems a little melodramatic to me. Perhaps you could give us more depth into what exactly his problems are, rather than throwing on a bunch of stuff that just doesn't seem to great at all. Again, as Orion mentioned, character development is awesome, include more of it!

I would have liked to have seen more description in the next paragraph. I mean, the part where Howard disappears is a pivotal part of the story, but it really seems like you overlooked it in favor of other parts of the story. The introduction to Prof. Crath is also rather bland. Rather than just saying, "POOF HERES THE GUY THAT DID IT" why not create a situation where the characters meet up again. Also in that regard, it's somewhat vague how Howard actually meets Prof. Carth.

The ending was effective, but a little bland. I have a feeling if you took your time and revised it a bit, added a little more description (AND MORE AND BIGGER EXPLOSIONS), then it could be a very great ending. IMHO, it's already got the elements of a good one, it just needs a little extra literary punch.

On a whole, I liked the story. It reminded me of the that old black and white movie they make you watch in High School (To Wish Upon a Star, or something like that). Which is good. I liked that movie. And I like this too. It could be considered cliche, but I think you could probably drive your audience to say otherwise assuming you go back and liven things up a bit.

That's my two cents, don't kill plz.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Signin' up, sent submission already.

EDIT: My review of Neverborn... It was an interesting read at the beginning, but became boring and rushed toward the end. There was no conflict or struggle - morally or physically, really. It was just like "Hm... here's the problem, here's the solutions that have already been tried, and here's the solution that ends it. The end." There's not much emotional connection to any of the characters, even the protagonist.

The idea is great, the story is great, it just needs to be expanded upon tenfold, as everyone else has already iterated, in so many words.

Also, sentence structure could use a bit of work (for example, "He left the bar intending to stop a scientific genius who he'd help lose funding." Awkward and unwieldy. Since you describe the situation anyway in the next paragraph, you might consider leaving it fairly open-ended, like "He left the bar, his mind and intention focused on finding one very specific man: a self-proclaimed scientific genius." I also debate the "genius" part since obviously he wasn't that smart, causing accidents and such.)

And please for the love of all that is literate, don't use abbreviations such as "Prof." for Professor!

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Fantastic! If we keep getting high-quality comments and additional submissions, there'll be no need to tweak anything and this project can plow right into normalcy.

The queue has been updated to reflect our increased participation!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by GRYPHUS-1

Also, sentence structure could use a bit of work (for example, "He left the bar intending to stop a scientific genius who he'd help lose funding." Awkward and unwieldy. Since you describe the situation anyway in the next paragraph, you might consider leaving it fairly open-ended, like "He left the bar, his mind and intention focused on finding one very specific man: a self-proclaimed scientific genius." I also debate the "genius" part since obviously he wasn't that smart, causing accidents and such.

To expand on this a bit, you could use a bit of work on your sentence variation as well. Reading through I noticed a lot of sentences start with "He did this" or "The next thing happened." He and The (there were others too) are good words, but they get dull and boring when over used.

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Analysis on 'Never Born':

I agree with all above that it has a good beginning indeed. The story is set strongly with good timeline, giving us ideas about what will happen next. But the conflict within is not deep enough; it's like watching a silent movie, where you are just like saying, "Ok, here's the problem, and here is the conflict, then here's the ending." The story is bland, like a wave with low tides, thus making it a bit boring to read after some paragraphs.

The pace itself is running too fast between the conflict and the climax, and it even speeds up while reaching the end, making the end become too sudden and hanging. The introduction of this Prof. Crath is too close to the ending; you could've explained between him and Howard to make the climax more exciting to read.

The solution is too open and short, leaving the readers questions about details unexplained in the end. You should take some time to expand the ending of whatever you're writing about, because a good beginning could be ruined by an improper ending.

About sentences, I think it is good enough, you just need to expand a bit, using different patterns. Also you may consider join sentences to make the story flow better.

Overall, it's a good one, although the beginning is long, contrast with the short open ending.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Thank you all for your comments. I'll take them into consideration for when I decide to expand/edit this story.

FELIPE NO

I just read through Never Born and I wanted to add a few of my thoughts.

My feelings towards the story pretty much echo everyone else's: the beginning was gripping but a lot of detail felt missing around the middle and especially the end.

I think it's a good spin on the concept of wishing you were never born, and the benefit of total anonymity could prove to be a wonderful asset in a crime fighting, vigilante scenario. Actually I was kind of hoping that that was the direction it was headed, and in the end Howard would've become a crime fighter.

One thing that seemed really vague was that Professor's role in everything. His experiments had negative side effects, but what does that mean? Is he trying to clone babies to make an army of mutants? Is he creating a super bug in an effort to wipe out a race of people?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't really clear on the reasons why he had to be stopped.

All in all it wasn't a bad short story. And considering that yours is the first story in this Workshop, I think you did a good job. I just think that for the next story you write, you should spend some time fleshing out the narrative a bit more.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Orion, I've sent you a new submission. Please post that one instead of the previous one; the previous one is too bad and stupid to be posted, at least for my consideration.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Ozma

Orion, I've sent you a new submission. Please post that one instead of the previous one; the previous one is too bad and stupid to be posted, at least for my consideration.

No problem

The second trial week will go up tomorrow morning, so if anyone has any comments, or if Acro-nym would like to add anything in response to the comments already made, now's the time!

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by orion_mk3

The second trial week will go up tomorrow morning, so if anyone has any comments, or if Acro-nym would like to add anything in response to the comments already made, now's the time!

I guess I'll just say that when I originally wrote the story, there was a word limit or a page limit or something that forced me to rush certain parts of the story. And that's been noted and suggestions have been offered on what to do to expand on those sections.

It was also during a time when I wasn't as comfortable with dialogue as I am now, though I'm still not fully comfortable. There have been some suggestions regarding including more, but I don't find that to be a pressing concern. That's not to say I won't try to include more, but I don't want to force it in for the sake of it being there.

Only one person said anything about the ending being open. That ending is intentional. You aren't supposed to know what happened to Howard or where he goes from there. Maybe there are elements within that, though, that could be made more clear.

I thank you all again for commenting. You've been helpful.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I wasn't sure if i was supposed to send in a submission or not, so i did anyways.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Helloween

I wasn't sure if i was supposed to send in a submission or not, so i did anyways.

Terrific; I got it. You're all set for your week when it comes along! If you need to give a history, like you said, that's just fine.

Anyone can submit at any time, and I'll hold onto the file until it's your turn.

I was speaking idiomatically.