Your most memorable FAILURE at cooking (v.2)

Originally Posted by Aoie_Emesai

Well..... for me that's everytime I cook. Last time i made instant pudding, I went wrong ^_^. So basically, i'm a bad cook.

XD, how did you mess up on instant pudding?? well, it is true about you. Hope ya find a good wife that can cook . There are a couple of times where I do forget to check the food even though I did it right. I just don't pay attention and then my food burns..

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

You all fail. Here is my now famous MAC AND CHEESE OF DEATH story. BEHOLD.

Now this involves my friend Kurtis, as he's just as inept (if not more so) than I am.

So he calls me up one day.

"Hey Frans, I'm hungry. Come over and we'll cook up some food." he says. "Well, ok then, sounds like a plan to me!" is my response.

But he only had mac and cheese in his place, so he asked me to bring something. But WHAT. Well, I had a package of bacon in the fridge. AWESOME. I'll bring that!

So I do. And I get to his place and by this point, we're both famished. So we immediately go into the whole cooking process. We are boiling two packages of macaroni here. And we're also cooking up the bacon at the same time. Since we're so hungry, we're basically eating it straight out of the pan.

As we are doing this, and waiting for the water to boil, we realize we've eaten all the bacon. So while we are slightly saddened by this, it only makes our resolve to consume the tasty mac and cheese that much higher.

But when we get to the cruicial phase, the one where oyu add the milk and cheese powder, we stopped.

"Do you smell that Kurt? What is it? Why does it smell so good?" I asked. "I think it's the bacon grease!" was the response I got. And damn, I tell you, it smelled DELCIOUS.

"I just got an idea. Why don't we put this into the mac and cheese?" "Ok, but how much do we put in?" "It' sonly about a cup of grease or so, just put it all in." So we did.

And holy SHIT, did that mac and cheese smell amazing. If love has a smell, that's what it was. So we plopped it down on our plates, and we went at it HARDCORE. Just chwoing down on this shit like no tomorrow.

But then something happened. About halfway into the mac and cheese mountains, we both looked up and stopped eating. And we just knew it by the look in each others faces that we were totally fucked. See, this was the magical point where the stomach wakes up and says "Are you retarded? FUCK YOU".

So we BOLTED for the bathrooms. Thankfully he has two in his place, and we literally shit our entire insides out. I was on that toilet for what felt like forever, and I was basically shitting out water by the end of it all. It was gross.

We couldn't sleep, we were in such pain. I was on the spare bed and shaking, he was on his bed and having convulsions of some sort. My stomach ached like a bitch. I think we were both awake for about 48 hours. We seriously thought we were going to die. It was HORRIBLE.

But we survived, and later on after asking m dad (who's a doctor), it turns out we should have had our stomaches pumped. Oh well though, it was fun. And it was by far the tastiest mac and cheese ever created by man. It was AMAZING and wonderful. It's just a shame eating it probably took 10 years off my lifespan.

I'd make it again if it wouldn't have the horrible side effects too.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by RacinReaver

Do you use a double boiler to melt the chocolate?

Nope. That would make it much easier, but I don't own one.

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So, when I was about 12 a friend and I decided that we should fry up some bacon. I don't know why, but bacon had to be consumed at this point. So we cook some up. Grease is flying all over the place. Painful bacon.

After we fish the burnt pork strips out of thier greasy grave, we need to find a way to dispose of said grease. We tried to find a pop can to empty it into. No such luck. Perhaps a used tin can. Nope. "Ah!" we said. A styrofoam cup! Then after the grease cooled, we could simply throw the whole thing out, hassle free!

Damn near boiling grease does not play well with others. Damn near boiling grease melts styrofoam. It doesn't even melt it in the conventional sense. It vaporizes it. So now we have bacon grease everywhere. Counter, floor, cupboards. Everywhere.

On the plus side, the bacon was not too bad.

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Originally Posted by GELB-1

You all fail. Here is my now famous MAC AND CHEESE OF DEATH story. BEHOLD.

Now this involves my friend Kurtis, as he's just as inept (if not more so) than I am.

So he calls me up one day.

"Hey Frans, I'm hungry. Come over and we'll cook up some food." he says. "Well, ok then, sounds like a plan to me!" is my response.

But he only had mac and cheese in his place, so he asked me to bring something. But WHAT. Well, I had a package of bacon in the fridge. AWESOME. I'll bring that!

So I do. And I get to his place and by this point, we're both famished. So we immediately go into the whole cooking process. We are boiling two packages of macaroni here. And we're also cooking up the bacon at the same time. Since we're so hungry, we're basically eating it straight out of the pan.

As we are doing this, and waiting for the water to boil, we realize we've eaten all the bacon. So while we are slightly saddened by this, it only makes our resolve to consume the tasty mac and cheese that much higher.

But when we get to the cruicial phase, the one where oyu add the milk and cheese powder, we stopped.

"Do you smell that Kurt? What is it? Why does it smell so good?" I asked. "I think it's the bacon grease!" was the response I got. And damn, I tell you, it smelled DELCIOUS.

"I just got an idea. Why don't we put this into the mac and cheese?" "Ok, but how much do we put in?" "It' sonly about a cup of grease or so, just put it all in." So we did.

And holy SHIT, did that mac and cheese smell amazing. If love has a smell, that's what it was. So we plopped it down on our plates, and we went at it HARDCORE. Just chwoing down on this shit like no tomorrow.

But then something happened. About halfway into the mac and cheese mountains, we both looked up and stopped eating. And we just knew it by the look in each others faces that we were totally fucked. See, this was the magical point where the stomach wakes up and says "Are you retarded? FUCK YOU".

So we BOLTED for the bathrooms. Thankfully he has two in his place, and we literally shit our entire insides out. I was on that toilet for what felt like forever, and I was basically shitting out water by the end of it all. It was gross.

We couldn't sleep, we were in such pain. I was on the spare bed and shaking, he was on his bed and having convulsions of some sort. My stomach ached like a bitch. I think we were both awake for about 48 hours. We seriously thought we were going to die. It was HORRIBLE.

But we survived, and later on after asking m dad (who's a doctor), it turns out we should have had our stomaches pumped. Oh well though, it was fun. And it was by far the tastiest mac and cheese ever created by man. It was AMAZING and wonderful. It's just a shame eating it probably took 10 years off my lifespan.

I'd make it again if it wouldn't have the horrible side effects too.

You sir, have won the internet...yet again. Great story though. Brought me a giggle or two.

How ya doing, buddy?

I tried cooking some macaroni & cheese (the kind that comes in a box) and ended up spilling boiling water on my chest, causing 2nd degree burns =/.

nowhere near as bad as the above (shudders)

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

OK well i only have 2 that i can distinctly remember...one I had this guy friend over when i was like 15/16ish and i wanted to make some EASY MAC to eat...well i had NEVER made it before cause we just don't eat that stuff in my house...its homemade all the way...so i tried to make it in the microwave, but i went back downstairs cause we were watching a movie...and lo and behold i forgot about it...and i burnt it... all the while my friend is asking me how do you possibly BURN EASY MAC...? I just shrugged my shoulders...and simply said i dunno and threw it out...

The next scenario was when i was about 13ish i was over my bestfriends house and she's 5yrs older than me and was absolutely boy crazy at the time... SO i was over her house and we decided that we wanted to make some cookies...not the kind that you spoon out of the roll or break and stick on the cookie sheet...that's cheating.. i mean really hard core home made cookies...but my friend wasn't the brightest light bulb in the pack, and at the time i was only a couple of watts brighter...

So we realized that we didn't have all of the proper ingredients...so we started substituting...oils, and flours...and flavorings... well we made it and stuck it in the oven to cook...well she goes back into her room to talk to some guy, and i'm sitting talking too, well some time goes by, and i try to get her off the phone to get the cookies, but she won't budge...this is likea good 20 mins later...well i sat there, and then about 10 mins later i see smoke drifting down the hallway...and then the alarm goes off....NOW she gets off the phone, but by then her mtoher had come upstairs and pulled out the "cookies" which were nothing more than a large balck glob of goo that resembled nothing close to a cookie...

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Flyzelle

The next scenario was when i was about 13ish i was over my bestfriends house and she's 5yrs older than me and was absolutely boy crazy at the time... SO i was over her house and we decided that we wanted to make some cookies...not the kind that you spoon out of the roll or break and stick on the cookie sheet...that's cheating.. i mean really hard core home made cookies...but my friend wasn't the brightest light bulb in the pack, and at the time i was only a couple of watts brighter...

So we realized that we didn't have all of the proper ingredients...so we started substituting...oils, and flours...and flavorings... well we made it and stuck it in the oven to cook...well she goes back into her room to talk to some guy, and i'm sitting talking too, well some time goes by, and i try to get her off the phone to get the cookies, but she won't budge...this is likea good 20 mins later...well i sat there, and then about 10 mins later i see smoke drifting down the hallway...and then the alarm goes off....NOW she gets off the phone, but by then her mtoher had come upstairs and pulled out the "cookies" which were nothing more than a large balck glob of goo that resembled nothing close to a cookie...

I've only attempted real cookies twice. My first try wasn't as successful as the second one because I forgot to add salt. A friend of mine gave me a modified chocolate chip cookie recipe. Rather than use normal flour, she recommended using yellow cake mix, and it actually tasted much better.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Ohh speaking of rice above...i have a more recent story...

I was supossed to be cooking rice for my mother about a month or so ago when i was at home visiting...well she left, and i stirred the rice a bit, then got distracted when a friend of mine called, and i got on the computer...well i remembered about 45mins later... i went to the kitchen, and was met with this god-awful smell, and a pot of black solid material...which was the rice...haha well I tried to soak the pot to get the rice out and wash it....no good I ended up throwing the pot out...

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I made some boiled herbal eggs earlier in the week and then kept it in the fridge. Wanted to microwave one up yesterday and apparently a minute on high is too long... the egg blew up into smithereens in the microwave and i spent ages trying to clean it up... not too mention I was cleaning up some dishes in the sink at that time and the sound of the egg blowing up at that time was so loud that i dropped the plate I was washing and cracked it

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

i remember one time in 8th grade i was trying to make pancakes and decided to be cool and try to flip the pancakes the way they do on TV with all the cooking pros instead of keeping it nice and low...

needless to say, i missed the pan completely and the pancake became a spectacular decoration on the floor.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Another rice story, but not as disastrous or interesting. The first time I tried to cook rice, I thought that the only purpose of water was to wash the rice. So I drained the bowl completely and set the rice cooker to "cook". Then when I came back later, I was baffled to see why my rice was hard, stale, and basically uncooked. Whoops.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I remember i once made something with treacle in it, and i managed to melt a plastic spoon into it.

I have also cooked up rice without any water.
Two of us spent nearly an hour trying to scrape the pan clean before we realised it wasn't getting us anywhere and gave up.

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I was experimenting one time (I was probably about 17), trying to mix and match different foods in an attempt to come up with a new dish. I tried to make a real blend of meats with mushrooms. Basically, I thought it'd be interesting to try and wrap chicken in beef and stuff mushrooms in as well. Needless to say, it didn't turn out well.

I baked it, and the outside was charred and the inside was raw and gooey. Not pleasant. PHAIL!

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Not cooking as such, but when I was six I tried making a cup of tea.

I filled the teapot with warm water, put it in the microwave and one minute later poured the lukewarm microwaved water into a kettle containing milk. Then I added a teabag.

I didn't try again for five years because of how hard my brother laughed at me.

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One memorable mistake wasn't by me exactly. I was at my father's place, and he was telling me of his new method of cooking eggs in the microwave.

"Just crack the egg on a plate, then heat it up in the microwave."

I was skeptical, but shrugged to watch. Heat... about 30 seconds. Not enough - yolk is still transparent. So back into the microwave.

At some point in time, we heard a "pop" and can no longer see the egg. Well, technically all we CAN see inside the microwave is the egg, which was AAALLL over it....... eh... fun stuff.

How ya doing, buddy?

I'd say it would have to be the time I attempted to make toffee at home. I was 8 at the time and thought it'd be good to make some toffee while my family was out for when they got back.

My family returned home to see my 4 attempts at making toffee each filling up and stuck to all the saucepans I could find. From memory we had to leave them under a running tap outside till it wore away the toffee from pots. I unfortunately, managed to cover my hair with toffee when I got some on my hands making the 2nd lot and went to scratch an itch on my head.

I was not allowed to stay at home during family expeditions for quite some time after this.

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My friend and I tried to cook cookies from scratch once, I think it was just plain old sugar cookies. We bought icing and everything for them. We started doing this because cooking is quite fun when done right.

Anyway, we measured, we stirred, we baked....someone in the measuring we did something horribly wrong. As we cooked the cookies they were flat. I said "We should weight a little longer, in a few minutes the cookies should rise and be normal size"

That never came to be as the cookies flattened out even more, covering and getting stuck to the entire cookie sheet and making the house smell horrible. We tried to get the cookies off of the pan but they were stuck quite good, it wouldn't even come off as we scraped spatulas against the cookies to get them off.

In the end, we threw everything away, and felt sick that we ate the cookie dough before we cooked the cookies.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

This one time, I tried to mix ramen and peach juice.
No clue why.
It was friggin terrible.

I was speaking idiomatically.

COMPLETE UTTER FAILURE

Well, what do you know. It was THIS MORNING that I wanted to cook myself some breakfast. I went grocery shopping Friday to pick up some pancake mix, some sausages, hashbrowns, and some eggs (for another morning). This morning I was getting all ready, and made the pancake mix all great. I got the other pot ready for the sausages, and started to put oil on the skillet on the already heated pan. So I pour in my first batch of pancake mix. All's fine and dandy . I start to work on the sausages and come back to the pancakes to flip them. THEN I reached for a METAL spatula, but there were none, but the FOOD WAS GOING TO BURN OUT, so I grabbed the nearest thing which was a PLASTIC Spatula. Useless thing as it basically melted the plastic all over the skillet and pancake. This was partly due to absent mindedness and sorta in a rush that common logic fails me.

WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE THERE PLASTIC SPATULAS? They must be my evil twin. Metal forever.

Originally Posted by MY HERO

. See, this was the magical point where the stomach wakes up and says "Are you retarded? FUCK YOU".

I know...I know...;___;

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Plastic/silicone utensils are useful on nonstick surfaces so you don't scratch it off. Since, you know, the stuff isn't exactly healthy for you to eat (and once your teflon is off the surface it's far from nonstick).

If you managed to completely melt a plastic spatula, then you've got bigger problems going on in your kitchen than not having a metal spatula.

FELIPE NO

Nah, not completely melt it. I obviously threw out the now useless thing (is this an omen) and the pancakes. After scrubbing off all the plastic crap from the skillet, I started from sqaure one.

Actually, from way back in junior high days, the cooking instructor in home econ said that THIS:



Is called a "scraper" (which I still say is a plastic spatula for scraping the last bits of stuff in a jar and such)

...while THIS:



is a spatula.

My mom often just used these terms interchangibly and call them both spatulas, and so do I.

The food turned out okay, after using a wooden/bamboo spatula my mom usually uses for stir fries, so it works.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I just had a cooking failure. My mother just bought a waffle maker, so I decided to give it a whirl. I made my mix, buttered both surfaces and splashed some mix on when it was heated.

Mistake #1 - too much mix. As the stuff started to cook, mix started pouring out of the sides of the waffle maker, oozing onto the kitchen counter top. This was not a good sign.

Mistake #2 - opening the lid too quickly. Half of my waffle was stuck to the top and the other half on the bottom.

I wish that I had a digital camera to show you guys this. Cleaning it took a good 20 minutes.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Ooh boy. I'm usually a level-headed person, but I sometimes lose rational sense when I'm in the kitchen. About a year ago, I remember eating a monte cristo sandwich from Bennigan's, so I decided to re-create the experience. Of course, I didn't dip it in egg or anything. I made myself a sandwich like I sometimes do, only this time I threw it in a deep fryer. The meat and cheese came out soo good....but they were sandwiched between two now oily sponges. It tasted pretty nice going down, but not so much when it came back up. I couldn't keep it down because I basically consumed a pint of oil or so. O_o

More recently, the missus and I were making chicken parmesan. I accidentely cooked the chicken in the microwave instead of defrosting it, so we cut it up, egged and floured the cubes, fried them, and put 'em in some spaghetti. It was her idea, but I'd like to think my absent-mindedness helped in the creation of a new tasty recipe.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I have no idea why I did this, but I was preparing salmon. I stuck it in the oven. It was suppose to be there for about 25-30 minutes. About two hours later, I just remembered it was still there. I just ruined a perfectly good piece of salmon...

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.