Fat Force: Because we love Jelly Doughnuts too much.

I weigh more than I'd like to mention here. Seriously.

If I can take a second to be emo (knowing that none of you will attack me), I've struggled with weight since I was about 11. In high school, I dropped down to about 120 lbs at one point (pictures can prove this), but I always felt huge. I think my issues are much more mental than physical. I quit smoking at the drop of a hat without any struggle, but my weight has been a battle I've been losing since I was a kid. I've made decisions based on my weight for so long that I feel like it's a part of who I am now, and I'm afraid of what I would become if I wasn't a cow.

As for goals, I need to start small. The road is long, and I am overwhelmed by it emotionally.

I'll start by saying I want to lose a meager 25 pounds in the next 4 months. Can we do timed weight loss?? That seems like an acceptable amount to lose in that period of time.

How do I plan to do it? Biking. Walking. Eating half of what I normally eat at every meal (because I am a fucking sucker for good food).

Maybe joining a gym. Never felt really comfortable in a gym, let alone buying "gym" clothes. Does anyone else feel as stupid as I do about gyms?

If anyone has reasonable work-outs to suggest or meal plans that worked for them, I'm always willing to try them out. I do much better with structure and systematic approaches to things. Losing weight is one of the things that I've tried since forever but nothing ever seems acceptable.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Ahaha, man. Gech. So many people have an opinion on what's "right" and what's not for dieting and exercise. You're right - it gets hard to wade through all the shit, but on a basic level, the premise seems so simple. Don't eat more than you need to, and don't sit at a desk and do nothing all day.

Meanwhile, could I mention that I don't do pre-packaged meals in our house. I do everything from scratch. I originally started spending a lot more time on meals because my blood pressure was through the roof due to way too much sodium in our our diet.

If you're looking to reduce your blood pressure, either learn to cook or find someone who will cook meals for you. My blood pressure is almost normal now (too much rage still) and we're eating much more healthy. I understand not everyone wants to make everything they eat out of basic materials, or that they don't have the time, but it really did help.

I hope to cut my intake in half to help accomplish my goal. It will be rough. When I don't allow myself what I want in food, my mind says I am punishing myself. Sigh.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'll be honest. I'm not going to be doing the low-fat, low-protein, low-calorie, low-brain mass thing. I can't do it. Honestly. I've tried pretty much all of them. Having to run calculations before I even sample the dinner I'm making. I also can't stand the thought of "low fat" stuff; it never tastes right and it's usually full of chemicals.

That's another thing: Chris is fine. He may not agree, but I don't think he needs to lose anywhere near as much weight as I need to. Why should he suffer it out with me? This is cause for a lot of (admittedly stupid) guilt.

I think one of my other detriments is that I eat nobreakfast (save for a cup of coffee), usually nothing for lunch, and then a large, often late-in-the-evening dinner. Probably the biggest problem I could give myself.

I'm curious to know what I should be eating in both portion-size and timing-wise.

My doctor recently asked me about how I was addressing my diet (as I expressed concerns). I explained the meal timing and the quality of meals to her. She seemed pretty convinced that it's a matter of portion since we agree it's not a matter of quality (garbage food) or a sedentary lifestyle (I pretty much never stop save for when I am paid to sit at a desk).

I really feel bad for posting this many times, but I'm hopeful that maybe someone will have some advice for me that doesn't involve table calculations and definitions of "saturated fats," etc.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Updating:

Since about a week ago, when I first read Raspy's journal, I've lost 3.5 pounds.

The only real method I've employed was "don't eat so much you fat whore." Every meal (with like one exception), I've eaten half of what I would normally eat. I exclude fruits and veggies from that - I can have as much as those as I'd like, which makes it mentally a little easier for myself.

So far, so good. Kind of surprised about it, honestly. I'm in denial. I keep telling myself "that's just water weight, don't worry, you'll fuck it up." This is my problem, I think.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?