[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

Well, that went downhill fast. If she'd mentioned being herpetophobic in her profile it would have saved us both a lot of time. It's not like I asked to be born this way. It's just racism is all it is, where does she get off making me the bad guy?

Fuck it. Let's just warm up last night's casserole and see what's on the screenbox. Doesn't look promising. Reruns, documentaries, cartoons, public access...

Let's channel surf a bit.

Fuck. Yes.



"Welcome to Gary Indiana. According to recently recovered records, this was practically a ghost town even before the Mistake, and it's only gone downhill since. By special request of tonight's squad, this URBXpedition is starting in the evening. Maybe they're worried about sunburn! But no need, because tonight's Xpedition is subterranean. I'm here at the Gary Indiana loco station, where our location scouts have found a series of underground tunnels and chambers just teeming with danger."

"Sounds exciting, ROB. I understand we've got some newcomers for tonight's season premiere?"

"How will they fare? Will they crush or be crushed? They will probably be crushed."

"You always say that, Korgar. Last season the Montreal Murderhobos cleared 5 sites without a casualty, and you kept predicting they'd be crushed any second."

"The record will show that they were eventually crushed!"

"In a boating accident postseason!"

"The ways of crushing are mysterious. No man may know when or how he may be crushed."

"ROB, you've talked with the squad, what do you think of their chances?"

"Well, as you know, Lydia, new squads are only initially qualified for Copper-level sites, so that's what we can expect here in Gary Indiana. But don't tune out just yet! Copper-level sites mean Copper-level squads, and that means these rookies might fall for anything. Statistically I predict a 78% chance of Total Wipeout, most likely via something embarrassingly obvious like a razorwire pitfall."

"Remember, delve devotees, if Copper expeditions don't light your torch, there's always an URBX Replay after your local news. Replay is only the best expeditions, the meanest monsters, the funniest fuck-ups and the dumbest deaths."

"We save the tapes of boring episodes for our in-laws! We crush them with our indifference!"

"You crush them with your bare hands, if last year's Winterween party is any indication. Speaking of crushing, tonight's DJ is also a newcomer to URBX: DJ High Noon! What sort of hazards do you predict in your freshman session?"

"Fire. Poison. Centipedes. Goblin or two. Nothin' fancy."

"It seems our new DJ is a man of few words! Hopefully his talent will speak for itself. Let's go to the HoverCam, where team... Melancholy of Perfection? Really? Anyway, they drove out a handful of kobold squatters without a fight and have made base camp in the basement of the station."

"Looks like they've made their campfire on an old summoning circle. It's not often you see that kind of naiveté."

"Yet they live, and no shapeless horror is attempting to mate with the HoverCam."

"Jes' luck. But luck don't help you with the centipede, no sir. Daddy taught me that. You don't mess with the centipede, no sir."



It's cool and damp beneath the loco station; a puddle of water has collected in the south side of the room. The summoning circle beneath your campfire is either nonfunctional or the relevant entity just isn't interested. Two routes east present themselves behind a pair of rotting wooden doors. Rufus picks up the unmistakable squeaking and scuttling of rats beyond the southeast door. The HoverCam waits patiently.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Rufus finished cleaning his revolver and started putting it back together. He'd had a semi-automatic weapon with the force, but he liked revolvers better. More weight, and he liked the feel of the trigger better. Rufus attached his shield to his arm, his hand fitting nicely into the bend he'd made in the shield to allow him to use that hand to steady his shot when necessary. Most people didn't fight with both a revolver and a shield - for one, they lent themselves to two very different types of combat, and for another, it looked kind of silly. Most people, however, didn't attract bullets in quite the same way as Rufus did.

Rufus pulled the trigger a few times - each rotation of the barrel nice and smooth - before loading the weapon with his ammunition of choice, .357 slugs from Greenwood. Enchanting bullets was a difficult enough process - a decently enchanted fire round could easily the barrel of an inferior weapon in the moment before it was fired - but the elves had never been the type to give up using magic on something just because it didn't work the first few hundred times. Somehow those geniuses at Greenwood had developed a bullet that could be enchanted without having to worry about melting one's gun. Rufus had asked, once, how they did it, but all he got was some gobbledegook about alloys and layering. At least they had the kindness to color code the casings.

Having ensured that his equipment was in working order (and making certain that the labels were visible the hovercam as he did), Rufus stood up and stretched. Without a word, he moved closer to the north door to try to figure out what might lie beyond. The nice thing about old ruins like this was that the doors were rarely fit properly anymore, and so there was often a crack somewhere to check for feet or vehicles on the other side of the door.


Load revolver with 2 fire, 2 ice, and 2 normal rounds.
Perception check at north door.


There's nowhere I can't reach.

RAGAUHAGAUGHAWHAUAHGH


Eat the campfire


This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The gargantuan figure leaning on the pommel of his enormous hammer throws back his head and laughs, a thunderous noise that echoes in the small chamber.

"Hahaha! I agree with dinosaur! Why waste time with scrutiny, small elf man? Whatever lurks beyond door will not leave if heard by small elf man! Hahaha!" Sven had little use for - and, for that matter, little concept of - what you might call an inside voice, coming from a culture that didn't really have an overwhelming amount of inside.

"Better to use element of surprise! I will smash foes with mighty hammer before they know what smashes them!" In emphasis of his last point, Sven pulls his hammer upward and smashes it back down with a heavy thud that rings in the ears of his comrades.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

"Doorcheckers! Why check what you can crush?!"

"Classy hardware, though."

Rufus sidles up to the door, listening for any obvious sign of trouble. Nothin'. Or is that a faint hissing sound? Really far away, or maybe he's just imagining things. There's a bit of monofilament strung in front of the door at about chest level.

Kickpunch devours the roaring campfire, leaving behind a small heap of ashes and some incipient indigestion. It is the fifth most dangerous thing he has eaten today. Of course, now the room is pitch black.

Sven's sledgehammer smashes through the weak stone tile beneath his feet, dropping him 3 feet into a small hidden cache left by the squatters. Unfortunately, all they were storing in the cache was a pile of mummified cats. Fuckin' kobolds, man.

HoverCam issues an irritated whine and switches to thermal until panning over Esperansita, then whines again.

I was speaking idiomatically.

"Why must dinosaur constantly eat sources of light? Light is necessary for efficient smashing! This has already been discussed!"

Attempt to feel around for the edges of the hollow and hoist self back onto floor-level.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Esperansita leans against the wall of the station and sizes up the team. It's been a while since she's had a night of fun and debauchery, and hopefully her habitually horrendous luck will have given her a slight reprieve.

A tiefling. Their horns are good for holding on, but their bulky upper parts come at a price elsewhere, this she's seen time and again.

An elf. Ya let's keep moving on.

Ooooh a goliath. There's something about all that fur which is not unappealing on occasion, but it tends to muck up with blood too easily. What a waste of perfectly comestible fluids.

The last member of the team looks like nothing she's seen before, but the thick skin and robotic implements coupled with the nasty attitude remind her of too many bad tricks she turned before she had her humble begginings in the URBX: rehabilitation or total-annihilation league. Plus it seems like there are no fun-time parts to speak of, the proper region for them being very much dull, boring metal with no protrusions to speak of.

Since it seems like she's not going to satisfy her hunger for thrills with this lot, she pushes herself away from the wall and gives her whip a quick snap on the floor.

As the big man smashes through the wooden paneled door, the Suck Queen sidles a bit closer to get a good view of what will be found in the next chamber. She takes out her promotion delivery canon and loads it with a batch of Jolly Polly's "Plushie Blood Plugs" XXLs.

FELIPE NO

Kickpunch stares quizzically at this giant vegetable with a hammer. He's vaguely aware of the concept of a vegetable. He saw one once. He ate it accidentally. Nutritious, but not so delicious.

He figures that a vegetable is a good companion. He is far less likely to eat that one. He'll have to wait and see with the others.

Or not see. It's dark now.

RGAOARGAGHAGH?

With a click and a small delay, HoverCam's patented talking-subtitles feature clears up any misunderstandings.

Get the Flash Player to play this audio file:

How ya doing, buddy?

Rufus truly does want to check behind that north door. Nobody traps a door if there's no reason to keep anyone out - assuming, of course, that the trap is indeed natural to the environment and not added by their friend upstairs in the studio. All the same, it's worth a try at springing from a safe distance, if nothing else. Carefully gathering the rest of the expedition team in the far corner (and making certain that no one falls into the room's latest renovation), Rufus raises his shield and pulls from the direction of the door. Either the trap's mechanism will probably have some sort of metallic switch, or any metal in the door should cause it to swing open into the tripwire.


Gather team away from door.
Magnetic yank on booby trapped north door.


Most amazing jew boots

While Sven humours the elf, he takes the opportunity to encourage Rufus to loosen up a little bit.

"Hahaha! Look how safe is small elf man! Does not Small Elf Town cherish adventure and guts, small elf man? Hahaha! Next time I will show you how to exercise Bravery Muscles!"

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Murderson awoke to the smell of sin. It was an all too familiar stench to him but his current companions positively reeked of it. He cleared his throat and spat on the floor, whatever he had eaten for dinner the previous night had a lot of fur still attached and it tickled him terribly.

It was dark and he could just make out a couple of massive shapes in the gloom. Ignoring them for the time being, he knelt up and began his morning prayer rituals. He had carefully laid out his Abdul Deftweave Special the night before in the correct alignment, facing towards where the 9 items or less till would have stood had this been a standard Abduls emporia.

He skipped the majority of the prayer ritual, knowing that his erstwhile companions were unlikely to tarry long and believing that sanctifying this unholy chamber would be wasted effort at best.

Once he finished, he gathered up his mat, carefully tucking it into his pack so the Abdul sticker was outward facing. He wasn't generally one for commercial considerations but Abdul had given him a very good deal on the mat and it really was a shame he had spotted that bacon sandwich as he was leaving the shop. Abdul and his family were no doubt roasting in the fifth level of hell for their sins right now and what was left of the shop would barely have filled a bin bag. Still, it was a big franchise and honouring a debt was number 3,215 of the 10,000 holy commandments.

He checked the straps on his vest, made sure the detonator was primed (It always was but it never hurt to check) and unslung his rifle, uttering the incantation of holy vengeance as he slid back the rack and chambered the first round.

Let us get this kerfeching show, as you say, on the goat-trail, you unholy sons of pig dogs.

He spat on the remains of the fire, waiting for one of the others to commit a sin.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"I'm getting... crunching sounds... no, did you hear that? Some kind of whoosh. This is getting ridiculous."

The squad's earpieces crackle briefly as R.O.B. 3000's grating electronic voice intercedes with an offer.

"Attention squad. If we send down an Everbright, do you agree not to eat it?"

"I also hear bitter muttering, so I assume the tiefling's done with his little nap. While we're waiting on the lighting problem, how about an Xplorer Spotlight? Ayatollah Murderson hails from the exotic land of... um... Lydia, can you pronounce this?"

"You know that I cannot read your handwriting."

The door's loose, rusty hinges obligingly pop out at Rufus' direction, and the door falls to the floor with a damp thud. As it breaks the filament, a heavy log swings down from the ceiling of the corridor beyond, cutting a swath through where Rufus' head would have been if he opened doors like a normal, civilized person.

Of course, it's pitch black, so Esperansita is the only one who actually sees this happening (though HoverCam catches something big on the motion detector). Even the vampire's night vision only detects about 40 feet of empty corridor on the other side of the doorway.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Murderson was furious. Had the prophet not written that to set swinging log traps rather than facing your foes in righteous battle was a sin beyond that even of mowing your front lawn on a Tuesday?

Clearly we find ourselves in a nest of heathens. The prophet will be angered if we do bring the light of holy truth to their unseeing eyes! Follow me you thrice cursed bretheren of a librarian and a donkey, let us illuminate the infidel!

Slamming a fresh clip of Crazy Ahmed's Pun-Reactive Ammo - You'll kill to get your hands on it, he sprayed a burst at the southern door, the bullets bursting into a dim but serviceable light as they ripped through the door, smashing it to pieces and studding the ceiling of the corridor beyond.

He surveyed his companions in the staccato light of muzzle flash, catching sight of a hulking robot in the shape of those 7,000 year old fossils the prophet buried all over the planet, a big tree with a hammer, a non-descript elf and, wait, no, was that a... woman?

His blood boiling at the affront of sharing a sleeping chamber with someone who even looked like a woman, Murderson stalked towards the southern doorway, peering past the remains of the door as the bullets in the ceiling gave off a warm light that would add 20 camels to the value of any cave-hovel you would care to mention.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Rufus responded to the voice in his head with something more likely to result in a decent light source than shooting at random objects. "Yeah, i think most of us should be able to handle that. Just make certain that it isn't handed to big guy with the speech impediment and we should be perfectly fine."

Rufus sighed as he waits for the everbright to be delivered. It was hard enough to make a name for yourself in this world, but if you were going to get yourself involved in something like URBX, you at least wanted people to see it.

Rufus considers Sven's suggestion, but then discards it. You can't impress a trapped door with bravery, and hopefully some viewers at least would be more impressed with clever thinking and caution than getting one's head separated from one's shoulders at the very first hurdle. There would be time for bravery later, when they inevitably found something that might be impressed with bravery. Right before it found a bullet between the eyes.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Seeing the log trap illuminated by the phosphorescent bullets leaves Sven undeterred and he stomps just past the door and into the corridor, taking a look around at the environment.

"See, small elf man? Safe! They throw sticks at us, that is all! Sticks are puny and weak! Like small elf man! Hahaha!"

FELIPE NO

So the tiefling is flustered by her presence. This kind of information could be useful later on, and if there's one thing The Suck Queen knows how to use to her advantage, it's sexual tension. She learned to sense these things with the most minor clues over time. She knows an avenger's faith can sometimes be a dangerous thing to trifle with, but what's life without a little risk?

For now though, it seems like this bunch is resolved to waste all of their ammo before they even encounter the slightest threat, so she carefully passes by the log and uses her keen vision to peer further into the next room, carefully entering it while watching her step. You never know when you set off a pit trap, and so she's gotten used to moving along walls as lightly as possible. If these lugs want to catch the attention of whatever they'll be facing, that's all the better, as she's not going to be spotted so easily. quite frankly, it's a bit surprising to her that any of these reckless fuckers have managed to survive this long. being trigger happy will only save you so many times before someone with a bigger gun shows you the error of your ways.

Step into the next room as stealthily as possible

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

1 Die Roll Escondidas de la mujer ramera

Murderson empties a clip into the southeast door, providing a temporary source of light and a temporary cessation in the rustling sound (though the frequency of agonized squeaking picks up sharply. In the fading glow he spots some of the room's late occupants: three dead, bloated, scabrous rats. And their soda machine. And their furniture. The usual.

"Very well. It's not as smart as the HoverCam, so if it's not keeping up with you or you just need to keep it away from... gustatory harm, just give it a shove."

A luminous plastic sphere slowly descends from the station's collapsed first floor, settling into place just above the HoverCam. It illuminates the immediate room and the dead rats adjacent, but not much else. Everbright: The lantern that burns half as bright burns over 20 times as long, or your money back.

Sven hurdles over the log, rushing headlong into the still-quite-dark northeast corridor. It's still pretty dark in there. He doesn't see a damn thing.

"Why is he in such a hurry to get back into darkness? You cannot crush in the shadows!"

"Maybe all that greenery is some kind of photosensitive fungus, Korgar. It's entirely possible that the not-very-powerful yet extremely reliable illumination of the Everbright XL may be harming Mr. Callahan."

"Nothing good thrives in the darkness!"

Esperansita sidles along the wall, stealthily sneaking into the rat room that's being illuminated by the Everbright and recently riddled with bullets. She is being so sneaky.

17 is not remotely adequate to compensate for the conditions here.

It may seem like 9 more overgrown rats are staring right at her, but this is illusion. The bipedal badger waving around a cat-o'-nine-tails is too silly to credit, as is the bear-sized sloth dangling from the ceiling. On the upside, they have a really nice billiards table.

"Who are you", the badger shrieks, "to penetrate the throne/break room of Tsar Mameluk the Puissant?!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

"I am unable to see anything! The darkness is too great!"

He hears some squealing emanating from the door behind him.

"There is no need to shriek, small elf man! Dinosaur and I are mighty warriors!"

There's nowhere I can't reach.

1 Die Roll intimindate

ARJLKAGALGJALKGAGHEUAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Kickpunch grips the log in his mighty jaws and drags it into the south room, ripping it from it's puny rope and causing a mighty ruckus.

ROAGHOAGHAAAAAAGHGHAGHOAGH

Eat the log

Intimidate on Badger
16 + 8 = 24

Get the Flash Player to play this audio file:

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Rufus was already growing slightly frustrated with his Xpedition companions. But this is how it always went - everybody picks on the little guy until they get to something that actually might require a little bit of skill, and then stands around looking silly while said little guy solved the puzzle or whatever needed doing, then took all the credit, ran through the door, and fell straight into the spike trap. Rufus may not have been a fan of all the posturing, but there was nothing better than a pair of angry giants to distract a target. Hopefully he could keep at least one of them alive.

Hoping that the cyborg doesn't get too many slivers in his stomach, Rufus moves into a position where he can see into the south room, behind the dinosaur.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Hearing the unmistakable sounds of an angry dinosaur, Sven stomps toward the south room to investigate what his cohorts were getting up to.

"Nobody smashes without Sven!"

I was speaking idiomatically.

As silently as she slide into the room, Mamara realizes what she's stepped into, and promptly thinks of sliding back out. That sloth in particular looks like it would gladly shred her to pieces.

"Oh! So sorry to disturb your little gathering, I see you've got a lot to do here so I'll just see myself out. That is, unless you would be in need of something from this magnificent selection of exquisite flip-cooking implements?"

She takes out her pack of spatulas and shows it to the gathered beasts, but she is promptly interrupted by the Dino-bot with his log-eating showmanship. Thinking it would be best to stand at the ready, she takes the show spatulas in one hand while discreetly using her whipping hand to take out her trusty weapon, in case this turns into a bloody whipping contest with the badger.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

The door lay in tatters and before Murderson could react, the woman had the temerity to rush past him, violating the holy laws on women staying 12 steps behind their betters at all time, women passing within 3 paces of a holy warrior and women not knowing the god damn place.

His choleric state was in no way helped by the revealing of a room full of the basest mutants.

There was no time for thought, the prophet demanded action and holy retribution. Screaming his hate into the air in the guise of some handy product placement, he took the only action his faith would allow and charged into the room, detonator primed.

ABDUUUUUUUUUUUUL ACKBAR!!

The result was as predictable as it was messy. The prophet would be pleased.

Run into the middle of the room, detonate vest

FELIPE NO

27 Dice Rolls rat I bite esperansita

"What's this? Murderson has EXPLODED!"

"For a mighty warrior, to explode in righteous fury is not—"

"No, no. Literally. There's his trachea. Wow."

"Folks, this may be the fastest death in URBX history."

"Sorry to break in, Korgar, but we can't be sure of that until we know whether the portal to the Plane of Endless Knives in Season 3's Woolworths Xpedition slaughtered the Iron Brigade instantaneously, or 'excruciatingly, over a million endless years of torment'. Attempts to reach the Woolworths bile demon for clarification have, as yet, gone unanswered."

"Still pretty fast, though!"

"Looks like that badger does not like being spattered with viscera, Korgar. That explosion has given Melancholy of Perfection the element of surprise, but let's see how they fare when they're already a man down!"

"Make that three men! The blast took out a couple of rats, but it looks like Callahan and Crushdick were too big to dodge. They're in no shape to fight."

Crap, dude

31 damage to Crushdick (Dyin'), 36 damage to Sven (Dyin'), 31 damage to rats BCGH (bloodied, prone), 42 damage to rats DE (dead), 31 damage to Tsar Mameluk (bloodied, prone)

"Thorolfsson doesn't seem to be able to stay on his feet either."

"He's really struggling with his gear, you'd think that gun was made of solid lead."

"Why does that giant sloth look so smug?"

Sloth's Gravity Acceleration on Rufus: Crit! 17 damage, and Rufus prone.

"The badger and his rat kingdom are still shaking off the blast. The Suck Queen's having no trouble dodging those rat bites."

"If anybody does any biting tonight, it's going to be her."

Rat bites on Esperansita: both miss. Mameluk and other rats just recover from prone.

Rats AC 13 Fort 13 Ref 11 Will 9
Badger AC 17 Fort 14 Ref 14 Will 15
Sloth AC 18 Fort 14 Ref 16 Will 15

Rufus 14, Murderson 10 (save vs exploded), Kickpunch 9 (save vs death), Esperansita 6, Sven 5 (save vs death), Sloth 27, Rats 20, Badger 19

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

2 Dice Rolls magnet damage

Rufus was beginning to regret his decision to go into URBX. Sure, it was a good challenge for his skills, sure the pay was good, but it also meant that he had to try to work together with the kind of people who decided to go into URBX.


Stand up
second wind
Lodestone Lure vs. nearest rat
14 vs. Fortitude is a hit.
12 damage should be enough for a kill.


How ya doing, buddy?