[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

4 Dice Rolls saving throw

Since they keep walking towards him (also because he's not in much of a position to do much else until he can get his tail out of this confounded mess of twine), Cliff settles for biting the face off of the xivort at the front of the conga line of death.


Resilience of life vs. nearest xivort
i think weapon damage is 1d8, unless it's 2d8 (based on my basic attack?)
12 damage should be about enough to kill him anyway


The xivort's head removed from it's shoulders, Cliff spits the skull at the next one's feet, as an example of what will happen if it doesn't smarten up.


Attempt intimidation, since i can't do anything else.
ha, not likely.


While the action doesn't seem to impress the little jerk, it does distract him long enough for Cliff to finally get his tail free from the net.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Jill continued her gallant charge of salvation at the head of her shadowy relief column. It was awfully dark in the tunnel but there was just enough glow from the lava in the next room for her to at least head in the right direction.

Carry on heading east to the lava room then south to the holes to join the others.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

4 Dice Rolls A net vs doge

"Looks as though the xivorts have managed to throw a net over Callahan again despite his invisibility."

"It's like the world's laziest ghost costume. Just a net floating in the air, making phlegmy sniffling sounds."

"Wow, Stingdick's suddenly bleeding all over the place! It's almost as if some careless jackass forgot to tell him how badly wounded he was until just now!

Incredibly wounded is how badly, hope that helps. Oops.
Xivorts accomplish fuck-all else. THESE DICE!

In the absence of direction the Resilience of Life healing was applied to Mamara.

Sven 6, Jill 4 (autopilot'd), Flopflap 31, Shadows 25 (basically just tethered to Jill, skip), Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Xivorts 6

How ya doing, buddy?

4 Dice Rolls GTFO, NET

Sven's sadness is quickly replaced by fury. He had just gotten out of that stupid net, and now here they were throwing another one on him? It's almost like he finally rolled his first (and probably last) 20, (and otherwise decent roll) for nothing! NOTHING!

He raises his invisible hammer in preparation of smashery and, against all odds, makes it count.

"Hahaha! Prepare to be-" Sven remembers he's invisible and, endeavouring to act more accordingly in the future, whispers "smashed".


Standard: Savage Reach on Xivort B
Hit: 6 (fffffff) + 5 + 1 + 2 + 2 (combat adv.) = 16 vs. AC (15)
Damage: 6 + 6 + 5 + 1 = 18

Move: NOPE LOL

Minor: Second wind I guess.

Sven heaves yet another puny goblin-thing net off onto the ground in disdain.


Oh whoops, it told me that there was already a roll named crunch so I rerolled, I didn't realize it had gone through. I guess ignore that 13.

I was speaking idiomatically.

1 Die Roll Save versus frog shit

MACGUYVER TIME.

One of the benefits of having many apendages is the ability to MULTITASK.


Minor: Second Wind
Free: Shroud on Xivort A because I can.

TIME FOR ALL THOSE EXTRA BITS I'VE BEEN COLLECTING


Move for Minor: Toss jar of bacon grease at the ground a square away, on or around -AY-77.
Standard: Fire Flare gun into bacon grease, igniting a giant, acrid grease fire that belches smoke every which way.


CONCEALMENT FROM ALL ELF ASSHOLES TO THE SOUTH




What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

2 Dice Rolls How much burn?

Look at all this fire. what to do what to do.



As no one seems to be too panicky around her, Mamara decides that being undead near an open flame might not be the best of ideas, but she should probably keep doing these xivorts as she had done them before to the best of her ability.

Move to BA79
Dark Beckoning on Xivort B
18 is a hit!
6+4+1+4 = 15 damage
If it somehow survives, pull it to the fire if possible


As the Xivort goes up in a glorious flame, Mamara figures sending it with the rest of the blaze might not be so bad in terms of conserving the maximum quantity of non-burning area.



FELIPE NO

4 Dice Rolls look at this invisible bro

"And now the cave is rapidly filling with smoke. Did these guys not read their contracts? Obscuring the action so frequently is going to take a serious bite out of their prize money."

"That prize money's not going to do them much good if it all goes to funeral expenses."

"I'm sure not filling a poorly-ventilated cavern with greasy smoke is going to do a whole lot for their lifespans either."

"C'est antisportif! Laissez la fumée et mourir correctement."

"Yeah, what he said!"

I rolled all your unrolled saves and everything basically went great for you, you're welcome. Elf accomplishes fuck-all. Skelediggles lurch into view, as terrifying as all skelediggles are. You will surely get the terror.

Cliff 13, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4 (autopilot'd), Flopflap 31, Shadows 25 (basically just tethered to Jill, skip), Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

2 Dice Rolls *damage

Cliff attempts to bash the final remaining xivort over the head.


Resilience of Life vs. xivort.
pretty sure 21 is a hit, 14 damage to the little jerk. 2hp to Flopflap.

Move to -AY -80.


As the last of the knife-wielding little jerks crumples into a heap on top of its brethren, Cliff turns his attention to the source of angry shouting and clicking bones, and waits.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

2 Dice Rolls *Synonyms for boom

Sven takes a break from the carnage, and retreates to that room near the entrance with the fridge and the pool table. He needs a vacation. Why, sometimes it feels like they'd been down here for months!

Oh, how he yearns for those simpler times! They should have spent more time together as a team. Take a breather, play some poker. Murderson probably didn't incinerate all the cards.

He takes a seat in the lightly scorched chair and leans back. It's so comfortable; he hasn't felt this relaxed in ages. He pulls the lever to kick his feet back, really settle in, and something strange happens. Is he? Yes! The ceiling opens up and the chair rockets out into the sunny sky! It was day time - he'd almost forgotten what the sun looked like. Ah, how its warmth invigorates his dendritic physique!

This was the best! He flew loops, and fly-bys! Nothing was safe from his-

With a start, Sven's eyes refocus themselves. Oh. He had been daydreaming. Shame, that. That damn elf was still there.

Spoiler:

Move to -77, -AW (not through the fire.
Shoot elf scum.
Hit: 11 + 8 + 2 - 5 (smoke) + 2 (combat adv.) = 18 vs. AC (?)
Damage?: 14


There's nowhere I can't reach.

Even his ROBOEYES couldn't see through this shit terribly well. Flopflap figured the next best thing is a SNEAKY SNEAK ATTACK. From the relative safety of NOT being in the line of sight to that French asshole.

Move to -BB-83

DID YOU SEE ME ESCAPING.


Ready DOUBLE NINJA STAR ATTACK to first enemy that wanders into my LOS, smoke or not.


This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

2 Dice Rolls Viens ici putain

Time to do some sylvan surgery. Whatever that means.



Move to -AX -81
Dark Beckoning me an elven bitch 13+4+1+4-5 = 17 vs. 14 (Will) == Hit!
At the beep the damage will be: 6+4+4+1 = 15 damage
Pull that sucker to -AV -83
Dance, dance, dance!!!


Bits of the elf stay behind as Mamara pulls him ever closer to the smoke cloud with whatever mysterious force she summons from her loins on such occasions.

"Viens me voir chéri, tu verras, il n'y à rien à craindre. À part possiblement la masse gélatineuse là-bas. Ne t'approches pas trop de lui, son odeur seule serait suffisante pour éteindre ta lignée entière de façon rétroactive et annuler ton existence par le fait même."

Damn foreigners. Where did she pick that up anyway...

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

5 Dice Rolls invisibobble

"Mon petit chère! Permettez-moi de vous embrasser! Oh, que j'ai dit embrasser? Que j'ai voulu dire écraser. Hon hon hon. Mais mon épée est pire la poubelle que vous appelez vin ici."

"There is something about watching that elf waggle his floppy sword around that makes me nauseous."

"I agree. Why does he even have a sword? Why would any elf have a sword? Return to murdering people from a distance while hiding in shadows! Have some honor! Our forefathers didn't win the Eighth Beard War so you could fight face-to-face like some kind of animal!"

"I'm pretty sure it's actually a plastic sword from the props department."

"Just put it right across the hall, they said. It'll be convenient, they said. No matter! If he survives I'm taking this up with the anti-defamation league! He'll get not one penny from us!"

"Stingdick's shurikens have separated his head from his body, so I don't think he'll be collecting a paycheck."

"...I find his death strangely less than cathartic compared to the anticipation of denying him recompense. I mean, he still doesn't get any recompense, but... it's not the same. You know?"

"Sure! You wanted him to suffer more for the crime of having offended you."

"Precisely that. At least the skelediggles will never disappoint me."

"We need to look into getting them some rollerskates or something, this is taking forever."

Cliff 13, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Skelediggles 16

PS your Stealth Boy died

I was speaking idiomatically.

1 Die Roll attack

Maybe insert roleplaying later, currently too sleep deprived to words

move to -aw -83
attack with Tempest Assault (+6 vs AC counting smoke penalty)
miss.
Mark skelediggle, because why not


What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

1 Die Roll Yo you steppin

Move: -AZ, -79
Standard: Shoot a G.
Hit: 9 + 8 + 2 - 5 = 14 vs. AC


FELIPE NO

3 Dice Rolls *Damage

Jill had been away from the group for some time now. She never had the best internal clock and the drinking didn't help matters but by her reckoning it was at least three days since she had seen the rest of the party. She had been tempted to just leave and find a decent bar to hole up in but she had given her word to her companions that she would return to aid them and she never broke her word.

Well at least she thought she might have given her word and whilst she almost always broke her word eventually, she was here now and it sounded a bit like the fight was still going on downstairs so she might as well pop down and see what was occurring.

She crested the edge of the hole with the shades in hot pursuit, screaming down into the murky depths like an avenging, undead wizard leading a bunch of cgi dudes on horses to wreck bloody ruin on a significantly outnumbering force of cgi monsters who inexplicably run away despite their huge numerical superiority and the fact they've basically just taken the keep anyway and it would take very little effort to get inside and fortify the ruins.

Jill always hated grand symbolic gestures, she was more of a take the money and run kind of girl.

Anyway, avenging wizard and all that.

YouTube Video

She might not have been much of a romantic but she did love to rock out.

As she swooped into the room, Mr Bear's eyes glowed a bright yet sickly red and one of the Skelediggles was lifted into the air.

Move to AZ77 or wherever gets me ten squares away from skelediggle C

Living missile on skelediggle C. If it hits, Living missile attack, move skele in a clockwise circle around skele G if it's still alive, secondary attack on G.

If G's dead already then move to AW81 and chuck C straight south betwen the other two and hit the one on the left.

Additional Spam:
18 is a hit! Diggle immobilised

Additional Spam:
18 is a hit! Diggle immobilised

Additional Spam:
13, secondary attack misses.

The Skele flies back towards his buddies, clipping the other on his way past and knocking it down with a bump.

Additional Spam:
3 damage.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

2 Dice Rolls it dices

No time for jokes tonight. Will edit in later!

Move: -AW-85
Dual shuriken at Diggle -AR-85
Minor: fuck all!


Jam it back in, in the dark.

Finally rid of the "Mon Sieur le elfe qui pose comme une menace", Mamara proceeds to ensure that no trace of his repugnant corpse could ever be used to clone or otherwise revive him.

Step over to elf corpse
Loot for all possible weapons, supplies, or shinies.
And also hats. Didn't he have one oh them incredibly-pretentious-but-would-look-totally-so-much-less-so-on-a-lady-OBVIOUSLAY elf hats? /elf_fedora'd/
Use Jolly Polly's patented industrial strength "Douche your worries away"® on remains of mister "Je Pew Pew Pew! toute la journée (or je zip zip flack!, whichever sound a bow makes in the future)", to evaporate all possible DNA evidence of his having ever existed.

Celebrate!

Annnnd if all that didn't count as a standard, ready Dark Beckoning for whichever skele-dude comes into range first.

If sleep was a thing for the undead, the vampiress would sleep like a baby tonight!

Most amazing jew boots

1 Die Roll oh, and is stealthboy busted?

"She's just going to loot his corpse mid-battle? Not that he deserves better, but—"

"Are you kidding? What battle?"

'The diggles! The ferocious skeletal diggles which have... crumbled. To dust. So, lesson learned, the expiration date does mean something."

"Leaving the voracious shadows with no prey other than our Xplorers, and the room rapidly filling with greasy black smoke that will soon render our cameras and lighting systems useless for broadcast."

"Less importantly, it will leave the Xplorers in pitch darkness against monsters that are basically invincible in the dark."

"I'm all for a good slaughter, but just listening to them scream helplessly in pitch darkness seems... I don't know."

"Kind of morbid, isn't it?"

"Yeah. You wanna bail 'em out?"

"Why not. They've been amusing enough. Tim! Teleport 'em out and slap a quarantine on the site."

"Very well! By the power of my flaming balls do I abjure them through the ether, the numinous—"

"And again with the flaming balls. There go your vacation days, Tim! All of them! Right into the numinous fucking ether."

"You sound mad."

"That's it for tonight's Xpedition, which we'll call a... qualified success. Tune in next week when we send another bunch of greedy idiots into a deathtrap."

"Or subscribe to the URBX Network for 24/7 coverage of every URBX event happening here in Usa and even in our international editions!"

"As we speak, a Hellenic team is being wiped out by gorgons, and in Cathay a squad is putting down yet another jiangshi uprising."

"Gorgons, eh? Hope they don't have any hard feelings! Eh? Eh?"

"...goodnight, Usa."

"Goodnight!"

"Mad with power."

"What?"

"I sound mad with power, that's what I should have—"

"For Lydia von Brandt, I'm Korgar the Merciless! See you next week!"

YouTube Video

Xpedition Complete! Level 2 Achieved!

URBX Paycheck:

Base Hazard Payment: $500/Xplorer
Successful Conclusion Bonus: $200/Xplorer
Total Extermination Bonus: N/A
Pod Launch & Retrieval Fees: $150 per pod
Slaughter Bonuses:
Murderson $125
Thorolfsson $200
Callahan $550
Mamara $200
Crushdick $125
Jones $50
Stingdick $75
Barkley $50

Slaughter bonuses accrued by the deceased are garnished as necessary to pay for pod services. In the event of any remaining bonuses due deceased Xplorers, the bonus would be divided among the surviving active Xplorers; in tonight's event there was nothing left after paying for the pods.

Total net profits per Xplorer paid by URBX CE:

Callahan: $1,250
Mamara: $900
Jones/Johnson: $750
Stingdick: $775
Barkley: $750

Sponsor Reactions:

Callahan: Iron Grip is more than satisfied with your demonstration of their hand tools, and Lunar Zenith is pleased to see combat applications for their products. However, Kennedy & Sons feel that you did little or nothing to reward their advertising dollars. They're withdrawing as a sponsor.

1 very satisfied sponsor: +$75. 1 satisfied sponsor: +$50. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost).

Mamara: While the T-Shirt Cannon assured every one of your sponsors some amount of airtime, most of them feel overshadowed by what they feel is your overzealousness in support of Jolly Polly. Plaster Master and We Make Syringes are willing to give you another shot, but Spatula City has withdrawn support, citing your total failure to flatten something and then flip it multiple times as your contract clearly required.

1 very satisfied sponsor: +$75. 2 dissatisfied sponsors: $50. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost).

Jones and/or Johnson: Although your sponsorships were illicitly obtained by swiping one of Murderson's unused jumpsuits, Crazy Ahmed is sufficiently pleased by your enthusiasm for destruction that they gladly extend you a contract with the same stipulations. However, Honest Abdul's and Cillit Bang have both refused to extend their sponsorship to you, citing a total lack of both cleanliness and reverence.

1 very satisfied sponsor: +$75. 2 very dissatisfied sponsors (sponsors lost).

Stingdick: Malboro is, of course, very pleased when anyone's living space is filled with foul, poisonous smoke, and you retain their enthusiastic support (and many of their software packages). Your clumsy, oafish martial arts techniques are precisely the sort of thing that excite Hwacha's targets, and Hwacha is also thrilled to continue linking their brand to your exploits. Hasborg is disappointed at your failure to engage in irresponsible transformation antics, even after your obvious acquisition of the Anatomist's Friend; nor did you make any attempt to showcase your complimentary collector's edition Optimus Pram or its 17 voice-activated functions! Needless to say, Hasborg has withdrawn as a sponsor, but has graciously allowed you to keep the Optimus Pram.

2 very satisfied sponsors: $150. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost)

Barkley: While your onscreen time was minimal, your soft and strokable coat served as a serviceable advertisement for Bestresses. The Texico Museum of Natural History is willing to wait and see, but Party Maze has ruthlessly cut you from their sponsorship ranks after your failure to don the monocle or the swim fins before fighting.

1 very satisfied sponsor: $75. 1 satisfied sponsor: $50. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost).

TOTAL TAKE

Callahan: $1,375

Mamara: $1,175

Jones: $825

Stingdick: $925

Barkley: $875


---------------------------------

"Hi, is this, uh, lemme see here... Melancholy of Perfection? This is Louie Grunkrieg, from Doorman & Doorman. Yeah, we saw your little performance last night and we'd be thrilled to represent you guys going forward. You got a lot of potential, a lot of heart. Something for everybody. Tough guy, cute guy, a little sex appeal... that, uh... blob thing... anyways, you guys go ahead and enjoy your winnings. I'll call you back next week and we'll talk about your next gig. In the meantime, buy any gear you think you might need. If it's something a little, how you say, hard to find at the mall, let me know. I have some contacts that can get you what you need. It'll cost, though. Exchange rates, am I right? Also, lookin' at your files, it seems like you guys lost a few sponsors there. Can't please everybody, but you wanna get those blank spots on your jumpsuits covered up ASAP. Less than 3 sponsors and URBX won't even let you past the security tape. Somethin' about covering costs, I guess? Anyways, I'm sure you guys are still at the after party or maybe one of the funerals, so anything you need, just ask. D&D Talent takes care of their people."

Oh, and everything the elf had on him was worthless save for the bow, which possesses certain Omega qualities which will be detailed in your sheet later
Also, Sven's Stealth Boy is broken forever

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

After her gruelling time spent flying aimlessly around a cave being chased by shadows, Jill was thirsty and there was only one shop for that. She headed straight for Jimmy's, the best hard liquor shop she had yet encountered in the state.

Jimmy, the proprietor looked like a drunken hobo and in truth he was but a drunken hobo who had made it big when he discovered the entrance to the former National Meths Repository. Why someone had chosen to store millions of litres of Methylated Spirits in a secure, underground bunker was a secret known only to the Ancients but they had and finding the entrance had set Jimmy up for life.

Jill plumped for her usual, 5 litres of "Medical grade" Meths. She cracked open the first bottle and settled down for a chat with Jimmy. After a rambling and hugely embellished description of her adventures, Jimmy had a suggestion. He'd been looking for a way to reach a wider market, pretty much all of the local tramp population being now either completely out of useful, tradeable goods or dead from Meths poisoning. Jill's newfound status as a tv celebrity could easily provide the exposure Jimmy was after and he knew from experience that it would never be more than five minutes between shots of his product. By the bottom of the bottle, Jill's jumpsuit was emblazoned with "Jimmy's Meths Palace - A warming glow and glossy coat guaranteed every time".

As she slid off her bar stool to leave, she noticed a scrap of material stuck to the bottom of her boot. It seemed to be a patch of some kind from a jumpsuit, this one with "Crazy Ahmed's" written on it. Intrigued, Jill set off to find the shop.

Flitting drunkenly down the street, she all but bumped into a nun. Staring bleary eyed through a comfortable meths glow, she saw what she would have considered a recognisable face, had all the nuns she had ever met been killed in a string of unfortunate accidents. After what happened to her at the orphanage it was understandable. Sure they had looked like genuinely friendly nuns and maybe they had provided her with good food, a comfortable bed and a reasonable education but Jill had known deep down that they were evil, that was why they had to suffer, why they had to burn.

The nun looked up with a start of recognition. "Is that... is that little Jill Johnson? Surely not? I had thought you must surely have perished in that terrible fire. After all, with all the doors accidentally barred and the windows tragically nailed shut to keep out the radbees that had been attracted to the honey someone mistakenly smeared all over the outside of the convent, I would have been killed myself if I had not been out shopping that morning. What have you been up to?"

Jill grunted, her befuddled mind quite unprepared for this blast from the past. The nun noticed the URBX jumpsuit and a look of delight crossed her face.

"URBX? Little Jill is in URBX? Oh my, I must say I'm quite a fan, I followed Donald "The Inquisitor" Duckworth, well, religiously for many years until he ran into that megarachnid nest. Quite the unpleasant end that one. I see you're short a sponsor though, the rules stipulate a minimum of three do they not? Well I might be able to help you out there. You see, after the fire at the convent I started a school for, well, special children, the kind with latent and dangerous psychic powers yet very little intelligence. We have a huge surplus of cash after one of our pupils accidentally made a pact with one of the creatures of the empyrean. His eternal damnation in return for a never ending pot of gold, apparently he couldn't read as well as he thought he could.

So what do you say? You wear a "Sister Ennuncia's School for the Uniquely Gifted" patch, give a shout out to the kids now and then, maybe a little moral guidance here and there, eat your greens, practice your times tables, don't make deals with fell creatures of the underworld, the usual kind of thing, and I'll happily pass whatever the going rate of gold is your way in return"

Jill was too caught up in plotting the best way to cause a horrific and painful death to the nun to really listen to what she had said so simply nodded dumbly. Thus it was she was on her way five minutes later with a fresh, new sponsor patch on her suit.

Her natural instinct for such things led her with unerring accuracy to Crazy Ahmed's. In she went and recognising the patch on her jacket, if not the person wearing it, the angry midget behind the counter happily handed over a massive quantity of highly unstable explosives at a very reasonable price. If the bitch of a nun had survived the fire, she wouldn't survive the dynamite under her bed.

New sponsors: Jimmy's Meths Palace and Sister Ennuncia's School for the Uniquely Gifted.
Buy 5 litres of methylated spirits, drink half a litre. Buy as much cheap and dangerous explosives as remaining cash will cover

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?