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Your friend's exs
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Tama8-chan
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Old Jun 19, 2006, 03:21 AM Local time: Jun 19, 2006, 07:21 PM #1 of 22
Your friend's exs

There's a general guideline when it comes to most friendships:
Never date your friend's ex.

There's even another rule I was told, that seems compliment the first one:
Never date any of your ex's friends.

I've been wondering about these 'rules' for a while now, and I've been told again and again, especially by girls, that dating your friend's ex, or dating your ex's immediate friends is an absolute no-no.
Some people are absolutely fine with it, while some people avoid such associations like the plague.

It's been nearly 3 years since my friend broke up with his ex, and I've been friends with her since then, but he doesn't know about it. Whenever we go out for lunch or something, I feel as if something is developing between us that would take us further than just being friends. I wouldn't mind going in that direction, to be honest. But I still keep in mind the possible negative reaction my friend would take.

Has anyone else been in a situation where you found themselves going for your friend's ex, or them going for you? If you did get together, did it work out?

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Last edited by Tama8-chan; Jun 19, 2006 at 03:24 AM.
lol_nl
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Old Jun 19, 2006, 08:26 AM Local time: Jun 19, 2006, 02:26 PM #2 of 22
Sorry for being a little off-topic, but what about the ex of an "ex-friend", so someone who was first your friend, but now your enemy, and the ex of that ex-friend?
I can imagine such a situation for myself.

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Tama8-chan
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Old Jun 19, 2006, 09:05 AM Local time: Jun 20, 2006, 01:05 AM #3 of 22
that counts too, i guess.

this isn't just whether you think if you think it's ok or not, but whether it has happened to you, and what your response to it was.

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Slash
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Old Jun 19, 2006, 12:05 PM Local time: Jun 19, 2006, 10:05 AM #4 of 22
Originally Posted by Tama8-chan
There's a general guideline when it comes to most friendships:
Never date your friend's ex.

There's even another rule I was told, that seems compliment the first one:
Never date any of your ex's friends.

I've been wondering about these 'rules' for a while now, and I've been told again and again, especially by girls, that dating your friend's ex, or dating your ex's immediate friends is an absolute no-no.
Some people are absolutely fine with it, while some people avoid such associations like the plague.

It's been nearly 3 years since my friend broke up with his ex, and I've been friends with her since then, but he doesn't know about it. Whenever we go out for lunch or something, I feel as if something is developing between us that would take us further than just being friends. I wouldn't mind going in that direction, to be honest. But I still keep in mind the possible negative reaction my friend would take.

Has anyone else been in a situation where you found themselves going for your friend's ex, or them going for you? If you did get together, did it work out?
In all honesty...I personally think that whole rule thing is crap. I wound up dating one of my friends ex's and we're still together to this day. Nothing bad has gone between us cept me stealing the covers at night but yeah.

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soapy
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Old Jun 19, 2006, 05:20 PM Local time: Jun 19, 2006, 03:20 PM #5 of 22
If you want to maintain a decent friendship with your friend though, dating an ex can ruin that. They aren't off limits, but I don't think it does wonders for your friendship.

My husband's ex is now married to his good friend from college. He doesn't really care about the relationship, but it's hard to hang out with his friend without his ex showing up who he doesn't want to see

I was speaking idiomatically.
Slash
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Old Jun 19, 2006, 11:43 PM Local time: Jun 19, 2006, 09:43 PM #6 of 22
You can be surprised at how me, my g/f and her ex get along...lol

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Thanatos
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Old Jun 19, 2006, 11:58 PM Local time: Jun 20, 2006, 12:58 PM #7 of 22
Doesn't work for everyone, however.

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Old Jun 20, 2006, 01:05 AM Local time: Jun 20, 2006, 09:05 AM #8 of 22
Originally Posted by Slash
You can be surprised at how me, my g/f and her ex get along...lol

I'll put in an asshole-ish assumption that you're all getting along too well

Ever wanted to tilt both ways , slash?

But axe that, as to the topic at hand, i see nothing big about dating ex's.. Really.

I mean, 2 of my friends went out with my ex's and i was completely fine with it, mainly because we broke up on good terms. Actually it's ME who doesn't want to show up too much when they're together, because it would feel wierd for THEM, like i'd be sitting there and he'd be thinking like "So yeah, this guy had his tongue down your throat not too long ago, hmm " But that type of thinking is probably cuz we're arabs and all.

I've even dated a friend's ex before, didn't work out and they got back together after it, what made it less weird probably was that i didn't sleep with her.

Anyhoo i think it should be like whenever a break up is on good terms, all you should do is ask your friend, he might be ok with it. I know i am.

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Visavi
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Old Jun 20, 2006, 03:35 PM #9 of 22
Personally, I'm a believer of that rule...then again, it's always been my friends who steal my crushes (not the same as boyfriend, but a little similar). I had a small crush on this one guy that was my best friend's ex. I asked her if it was ok if I could ask him out, and she said it was perfectly fine, but I never did. I broke up with this one guy--who I knew was trying to finanical advantage of me even though I don't have that much money--and 2 weeks later another best friend of mine asked if she could date him. I told her what I thought of him, but I said that if she wanted to she could date him since I only went out on one date with him. Their relationship lasted for about a month before she found out that he had 3 different girlfriends and a fiancee who gave HIM an engagement ring instead of the other way around. Nothing wrong with the engagement ring, but I later talked to his other ex's who told me of the thousands of dollars they spent on him and he only spent $3 on a Wal-Mart necklace (and he wasn't poor).

I know of people who went out with their best friend's ex and ended up in long, happy relationships (even marriage). However, tread lightly and think about if she is really who you want and not just some crush that you'll be over in a couple of weeks. Personally, I think it's fair game when it comes to love, but if you want to add a little more honor to it you could ask your friend about what he thinks of friends dating ex's in general (not specifying your case).

I have a crazy friend who didn't even date a guy, but had a crush on him and made out with him once about 5 years ago. If she even hears that some stranger, let alone a friend, has a crush on this guy--even though she already has a boyfriend--she becomes very angry and threatens to kill/cast evil spells on the girl. I wouldn't dare think about getting near the guy b/c of her suspicious nature.

It depends on how close of a friend this person is, how horrible the relationship ended, how strongly you feel about the girl, and a few other factors. I believe in the rule since relationships are less likely to last than friendships...and there are better guys out there than the ones my friends date. However, don't let the rule limit you if you want to take a chance. Like any rule, there are exceptions and if you are really worried about what your friend thinks of it then ask him/her about it.

Jam it back in, in the dark.


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Old Jun 21, 2006, 02:25 AM #10 of 22
I agree with Devo.

I've unfortunately been in a situation when I dated my ex-girlfriend's close friend and things did not end well at all. To be honest, it is hard for anyone to be mature about the situation because it is such an awkward position for everyone. In my case, I don't think anyone was mature, myself included.

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Cyrus XIII
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Old Jun 21, 2006, 04:26 AM Local time: Jun 21, 2006, 10:26 AM #11 of 22
An ex-girlfriend and a good friend of mine once started a (distance) relationship behind my back. I knew them very well, so I was aware that a) he was looking for something steady and fulfilling and b) her men-consumption-rate had become something like 1/month. After I learned about it (through her blog) I told them right away that I wouldn't go along with it, for their own and my peace of mind. They made their decision, we stopped talking. I had second thoughts about the issue for months but looking back I still consider it the right thing to do.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
Tama8-chan
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Old Jun 21, 2006, 06:22 AM Local time: Jun 21, 2006, 10:22 PM #12 of 22
There's one reason I think why people would adhere to that 'rule', and that's to avoid those kinds of awkward situations.
Asking for approval from your friend; maybe having to go ahead with the relationship behind their back; sometimes they may even think you betrayed them!

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acid
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Old Jun 22, 2006, 10:06 PM Local time: Jun 22, 2006, 09:06 PM #13 of 22
Well dating a friends ex (especially soon after the break-up) can be a little tricky, you situation doesn't seem that difficult. I mean, they have been broken up for 3 years.

It's very simple.

Ask him. Don't play stupid girl games. Simply come right out and say "I've been talking with _____ alot lately, would it be a problem if we went on a date sometime". He will say yes or no. You will now know what to do.

If he says "no" and he really means "yes" then fuck him, he's obviously not mature enough to be taking advice from anyways. He should knock it off with the childish games.

I was speaking idiomatically.

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Old Jun 22, 2006, 11:49 PM #14 of 22
Originally Posted by Cyrus XIII
An ex-girlfriend and a good friend of mine once started a (distance) relationship behind my back. I knew them very well, so I was aware that a) he was looking for something steady and fulfilling and b) her men-consumption-rate had become something like 1/month. After I learned about it (through her blog) I told them right away that I wouldn't go along with it, for their own and my peace of mind. They made their decision, we stopped talking. I had second thoughts about the issue for months but looking back I still consider it the right thing to do.
I don't know, that seems kind of presumptuous, don't you think? Why should you have anything to do with it?

Anyway, echoing what Devo said. Sometimes the friend/ex can be a dick about it, like our friend quoted above. If it bothers them, then it bothers them; you do what you do. Also I expect time would be a factor; three years is a long time, and if their relationship wasn't all that important or the breakup all that bad, it should be fine. So in short, ignore this post because it's superfluous, just do what acid does.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Last edited by Sarag; Jun 22, 2006 at 11:53 PM.
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Old Jun 28, 2006, 01:47 AM Local time: Jun 27, 2006, 11:47 PM #15 of 22
In my group of friends it doesn't seem to be a big deal. There have been more than a few occassions where someone's dated someone's ex, and no one's really cared. I think time is a factor in this; the time between on relationship and another all been several months if not years apart. On one occassion my ex started to date my best friend, and she was worried I was going to be upset--but I thought it was hysterical, and it turned out to be a really good thing because it meant that he and I could be friends again (he'd been mad that I started dating someone else a month after he and I broke up, but now that he was dating someone else, it was somehow okay).

At any rate, I think trying to get involved in your friend's relationships is a bit of a bad idea. Unless your ex cheated on you with your friend, getting upset about people being attracted to each other is a bit juvenile.

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Old Jun 29, 2006, 03:27 PM #16 of 22
I believe that given enough time, all females are fair game whether it's an ex of a friend or not..

I mean, they broke and all so why shouldn't it be fair game.. I think the only time that it isn't fair game is if the friend is still into the ex then out of respect for the friend you should wait til he or she gets over the other person.

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nanashiusako
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Old Jul 13, 2006, 03:03 PM #17 of 22
I'd say, if you are still friends with your friend, and he has a sore spot, don't date the ex. Unless of course, you don't care if he gets mad (you're not worried about the friendship). Some people can handle that type of thing....some can't.

Jam it back in, in the dark.
BlueEdge
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Old Jul 13, 2006, 03:59 PM #18 of 22
If your friend and their ex get along, then it works. But if they don't and you start dating, imagine hanging out as a group, it might create an awkward environment.

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Old Jul 15, 2006, 06:19 PM #19 of 22
What about dateing someone who insists on remaining friends with her ex?
(that took/takes advantage of her and who has feelings for her)

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
Radez
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Old Jul 15, 2006, 06:54 PM #20 of 22
What about forming a threesome with your ex and his new boyfriend? Serious question. Does the comment on maturity still apply?

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Old Jul 15, 2006, 07:16 PM #21 of 22
Originally Posted by janus zeal
What about dateing someone who insists on remaining friends with her ex?
(that took/takes advantage of her and who has feelings for her)
How strong are the ex's feelings for her? My ex-cuddle buddy (still friends) has dated someone and still wants to be friends with them, but when his ex found out that I was hanging out with him (yes, my ex-cuddle buddy is bi now), he got mad and started talking about how I probably didn't like my ex-cuddle buddy even though the guy doesn't know me. Ironically, the ex has been begging the former cuddle buddy to meet me.

As long as you two want one another and she doesn't take whatever the ex says about you seriously then it should hopefully be ok. However, the fact that the person still has feelings for her and may be able to take advantage of her is a negative.

Originally Posted by Avalokiteshvara
What about forming a threesome with your ex and his new boyfriend? Serious question. Does the comment on maturity still apply?
I would say it would take a lot of maturity, but it's a little odd to want to have a threesome with the ex and the boyfriend (unless you want his boyfriend to dump him and date you). Plus, chemicals are relased during sex that create the feeling of comfort which could be bad if it's not serious.

I was speaking idiomatically.


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