Thinking of heading back home

Skip down further for the emo part. I'm giving a little back story first.

I recently took a trip back to California and I had a great time. It made me realize how much more fun things were there. The few friends I have here in Virginia pale in comparison to any of my friends in CA. I have stronger ties to family there, with my grandparents and father living out there, as well as my mother and great aunt in neighboring Nevada. Also, Virginia is home to fuckers who don't like having GFF meets or hanging out . (c'mon guys, srsly)

Anyway, the three main reasons I moved to Virginia were:
1) Living relatively close to my brother.
2) Check out the east coast.
3) Living with my boyfriend.

Well, my brother is now serving a 6-month stay in Afghanistan, which is still active for the next several months. And he may be deployed in other places afterward, which would my proximity to his base pretty much useless.

Checking out the east coast so far has been cool, but I could do so much more. I love traveling and exploring, but I'm a lame duck when it comes to pushing myself to go visiting/touring places. I usually only go to places if someone else invites me there.

Nevertheless, I don't necessarily have to live here just to check the place out. I could fly out here from CA if I really wanted to. And with my ability to work remotely, I could technically do so without using vacation time, providing I had a place to stay out here so my wallet doesn't run dry.

There's still more I'd like to see of the east coast, but it's not a huge concern for me at this point, so I'll cut this short.

Now I'm to the heart of the problem: the boyfriend. Simply put, I don't think I'm interested anymore. I don't know if there's anything in particular that has changed to make me feel this way, but the magic seems to be gone. This doesn't come as a shock though. I have been contemplating breaking up with him almost as long as we've been dating. Given, most of the reasons for those thoughts were naive, being that this is my first functional relationship. But now I'm starting to see that some of my reasons for getting together with him were naive as well (e.g. I was desperate).

He's a really nice guy with morals and habits I can relate to. He makes a very good roommate too. However, I just tend to feel bored around him. I have a better time hanging out with my friends in CA than I do with my own boyfriend. Honestly, it's beginning to make me think I just prefer to be alone most of the time and just have someone to be intimate with on occasion.

Basically, I think the relationship is over, but as far as he knows, everything is fine. I'm having a hard time deciding what I should do. I really just want to tell him that I don't love him any more and that I want to end the relationship, but I know that will hurt him pretty bad. I already went through a previous experience with dumping somebody, but in that case I at least told the guy that the relationship would probably be temporary beforehand -- I still feel bad about it, even though the two of us are still friends.

Also, there's the little part of my boyfriend having recently purchasing a house, with me being the only other person here. I'm paying rent, and I share a bedroom with him, so if I move out, he's going to have a hard time making mortgage payments unless he finds a roommate. I know I have it easy, being that none of this has ties to me, so I could split at any time. However, I don't want to leave someone in a financially vulnerable position. I'm slightly upset because I originally told him that we should rent in case I wanted to move back to CA, but he decided on getting a house anyway.

I think it would be majorly awkward to continue living in the same house as him if we broke up, so I don't think it could happen. Furthermore, if I do this, I'm still stuck in VA, away from CA and all of its glory. Additionally, I know some guys in CA that may be better matches for me as a boyfriend. I haven't been able to date them due to my current relationship.

This whole situation is a clusterfuck, but there seems to be pros and cons to every choice. Any of you have any similar situations? What did you do, or what do you recommend? I don't contribute to GFF much any more (when did I ever do much, really?), but I know you are a bunch of smart folks and will point me in the right direction. Thanks.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

You have to put yourself first.

He can find a roommate.

Load up your things and save yourself!

Boredom=Brain Death

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Quote:

This whole situation is a clusterfuck, but there seems to be pros and cons to every choice.

What are the pros to staying out in VA other than you possibly helping your boyfriend-who-you-don't-really-like-that-much-anymore with house payments when you told him not to buy a house since you weren't sure if you were going to stay together?

How ya doing, buddy?

Quote:

Additionally, I know some guys in CA that may be better matches for me as a boyfriend. I haven't been able to date them due to my current relationship.

This jumped out at me waving a giant red flag. I'd be sure you were clear with yourself exactly what your real motivations are for feeling as you do. Otherwise you'll make a decision based on the same poor judgement that moving to VA was.

This is basically a "been there done that" situation for me, based on what you describe. I made a decision that turned out to be a complete waste of time and money, so...

Most amazing jew boots

this doesn't sound like a cluster to me, it just sounds like you're too inert to do what you want to do so you want Gamingforce to decide for you. The question you should be asking yourself is, if you keep dating the VA guy, where will you end up? What's going to happen?

I was speaking idiomatically.

As a PS to lurkers comment: Keep in mind that relationships aren't all magical and wonderful and a never-ending adventure of LOOOOVE. They get boring, tiresome, trying, and downright unbearable sometimes. Relationships go through cycles like that, and it's kind of dumb to think that they don't otherwise. The key is to try and bring something new to the table, and if you're unwilling to do that then by all means, break up with your boyfriend before you screw him over in some horrible, horrible way.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Thud.

Boredom=Brain Death

You have a good point.

Originally Posted by RacinReaver

What are the pros to staying out in VA...

I really have no idea. I just feel a bit hesitant to bail on VA so quickly. Moving to VA was in consideration from most of 2007 to early 2008. I've only really considered moving back to CA starting last month.

Originally Posted by Radez29

This jumped out at me waving a giant red flag. I'd be sure you were clear with yourself exactly what your real motivations are for feeling as you do. Otherwise you'll make a decision based on the same poor judgement that moving to VA was.

Can you elaborate? I'm not exactly sure if you're saying that I've already made up my mind on what I should do, or that I may be making another bad decision.

I don't think I'd be persuaded by other guys if I felt that my current relationship was meaningful enough to me. In that case, I guess I have made up my mind already.

I suppose the true questions I have are how I should approach the break up, and when?

Originally Posted by a lurker

The question you should be asking yourself is, if you keep dating the VA guy, where will you end up? What's going to happen?

I guess if I continue to date him, things will stay the same, or possibly get worse. I honestly don't see how it can get much better.

Originally Posted by Seris

The key is to try and bring something new to the table, and if you're unwilling to do that then by all means, break up with your boyfriend before you screw him over in some horrible, horrible way.

I could try to see if there's anything I could do to make this better. Not that I have any ideas. There isn't any particular glaring flaw about him, it's more about my incompatibility with his overall personality and such. It seems like I'd have to change how he thinks and how he acts before I'd be satisfied, and I know I can't do that.

FELIPE NO

Seems like your mind is set on one thing and all you need from us is a confirmation on your feelings.

I can relate and I'm going to have to tell you I can only let you learn life your way.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

If you have nothing new to bring to the table, then is it really him who's boring? Is there anything more he's expressed in wanting from you? Have you brought up your concerns for the future and what not with him? You talk about having a desire to explore Virginia or at least an interest... and I really have to say, it's probably cosmetic rather than anything legitimate. Nerds are like that, speaking from experience there. The only reason I'm here in Virginia is that I get a 500 dollar kicker for being attempting to major in English and the GI Bill is wonderful to allow me to pocket that cash. My brother's in the area to help me out in case of problems and it keeps me away from the family (mom and dad rather).

If I said I had a desire to see Virginia, I'd be lying. Because I don't. I want the degree and I want to leave, simple as that.

If you're having cold feet and relationship problems you might want to evaluate yourself. If you're not confident enough to make a decision like this, I'd seriously consider pondering why that is. Because I'm seeing a lot of myself in your story, and if anything holds true to my gut feeling, it's that there's more to your feelings about this then what you're letting on.

Uncertainty is a motherfucker, but if none of what I said is founded in your view, strongly consider the actual advice of Seris and lurker. Because telling you to "go your own way" when you clearly don't have your head screwed on enough to not make a thread on a forum about a decision is gonna make that a very painful path to follow.

How ya doing, buddy?

Most advice so far are similar in the sense that you are cautioned to think things through, search your feelings, and evaluate yourself before taking the plunge.

Just to be different, allow me to quote Senator Paul Laxalt:

I think you should cut and cut cleanly. The time has come.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Being one of your good friends in CA, I want you to move back ASAP lol.

But on the real side, If I wanted to move back home and things weren't really going well with my BF or living in another state, I would leave.

Honestly I would have a huge talk with him. You can't feel guilty that he bought a house but you're paying most of the rent. How does that even make sense? That's not your fault at all.

I say think about it for a good week or two, then make a decision based on what you feel. Then have a huge talk with him. Then you'll find out what you need to do after the talk.

I consider you my best friend pretty much and it's awesome if you came back to CA. Everyone else here is boring except for Steven and his friends a couple other people.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Kaleb I'm saying that you moved all the way across the country to essentially be with your boyfriend. Now you're coming up with a bunch of reasons to move all the way back across the country. Nestled in all of those reasons is the comment that there are guys you like, all the way across the country, whom you'd feel bad pursuing because you're currently in a relationship.

I'm not saying go or don't go. I'm saying be brutally honest about your motivations before you go haring off, all the way across the country, because you're chasing a piece of ass.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I see what you're saying Radez29. But I think the majority of his reasons to move back are because he's best friends are here. Friends as in strictly friend only.

In addition there probably are guys here and his relationship is failing. He's finding himself in an unfamiliar place and thinking of how it would be if he were back home.

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Originally Posted by Andrew Evenstar

Being one of your good friends in CA, I want you to move back ASAP lol.

STAY


STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.


FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, STAY THERE.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I think I am agreeing with Andrew here. When I was back in California last week all I could think about were my friends. I didn't have any other agenda.

Meeting new potential boyfriends may open new doors for me, but I'm not expecting it. Honestly, I think I mostly just like being by myself, or with friends. Getting a "piece of ass" once in a while might be fine, but I'm rather content on my own.

It's hard to say for sure, because it's one of those "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" situations. However, I honestly admit that while I was gone for 9 days from my boyfriend, I didn't miss him at all. I feel more isolated being here with my boyfriend than I did when I was back in CA with my friends.

Then there's all the other reasons I listed (family being in/near CA), and some I didn't (my job also being in CA).

I think it's hard for me to decide now because I have no big "goal" in my life right now. Things are pretty good for me, honestly, so it's hard to say that any particular choice would make my life better. I'll just have to think it over for a couple weeks and analyze my feelings about my current situation.

Thanks for the feedback so far. I may respond to some comments later.

FELIPE NO

I can't possibly know what you're going through right now but, to relate, my girl is out on the road right now. If she asked me one day to pack up my shit and go find her, I would do it in a heartbeat. But see, I'm not in a desperate position where it feels like my only way out is chasing a boy or girl and it seems to me like that's what you did. I would do it if I had to be with her and because I KNOW for a fact I'd be happy wherever she is.

I knew a guy who did the same thing and he always told me it was the most terrifying experience of his life but he wanted to make sure he could make that relationship work. It couldn't. Now he lives in Corvalis, OR and he's happy (and single) there.

I guess what I'm saying is simple: If you're not happy, make yourself happy. How you go about doing that will probably become clear as time goes by.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Anyone who moves around the world for a boy/girl is destined to feel unfulfilled and disappointed. You'll always be the one who displaced for them, and if it goes well, you're still sacrificing your own goals for their whims. Clearly you care waaaay more for them than they do for you if you're willing to follow them, but they're not willing to stay for you.

Cut your losses and run. You do a good enough job of making yourself look like a chump, Kaleb. No need to compound the issue by making yourself look like a desperate chump as well.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Paco, I'm always looking for whatever will make me happy. I guess I just have to figure out exactly what that is. Thanks for the anecdotes.

Deni, it's difficult to argue that I'm not a chump when I make several regrettable posts at GFF. But just to be clear, I have no regrets about moving to Virginia. I recon I'd make the same choice again if I were given the option. The time spent here so far and the experiences I've had have been worth it. I came, I saw, I conquered. But I now I don't think there's much for me here anymore.

On the subject about chasing a person around the world, you're right. While I've been out here, I've learned that I can't expect things from somebody, even if I'm really close to them. I have to put myself first. Maybe I need to apply that knowledge on a larger scale and do exactly what I feel like with my life.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Good posts, opinions and thoughts by everyone. Kaleb give it till the end of Sept and see how you feel. If you're still unsure, give it till the end of October. And so on...

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Andrew Evenstar

Good posts, opinions and thoughts by everyone. Kaleb give it till the end of Sept and see how you feel. If you're still unsure, give it till the end of October. And so on...

that's a great idea. Keep putting it off, staying safe in your current situation because it's familiar. Don't want to be too hasty now...

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Umm can't you see that he is asking for assistance. I actually know him very well and talked to him besides this topic. He wants to wait at least a month or so and has deadlines due at work. Why rush a MAJOR decision?

Sure waiting months could be changed to a weekly basis, it's whatever he feels.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Yes, this is true. And I'm not exactly losing anything by staying where I'm at for a little longer. Nevertheless, I may be a procrastinator at times, but I get down to business when somethings really important to me.

I feel I have enough input for now anyway. I'm going to think this over during the coming weeks.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Damn your right Kaleb, these guys are smart.

I kinda figured your situation was as you put it before i even read any of this, lets see what my brain can cook up to say.... (thinking)

1. Dont rush anymove right now, not because you need to decide weather you wanna stay in Virginia or stay with your BF, you already know the answer to that. Its not cause you need to think about how to help him with his house situation or how to talk to him about leaving, You already know the answers to that to, just gotta face that stuff strait on with no fear. Dont rush cause you need to find a place to live in Ventura first and how to move.

2. First things first, Find a place to rent or somewhere to live in VTA. Second, think of some ways to help the BF get out of his house thing (not involving giving him money). Third, when your plans for how to move your stuff and a date is sort of set on when to move.... then talk to him. Yes i say pack your bags (figuredly speaking) first then talk to him second. WHY? simple, first of all you already know what you wanna do, so dont let your guilt or fear of letting him down stop you. But more importantly it puts that air time of awkwardly breaking up to a minimum. Last but not least if your head was where your heart was and vis versa... and you really do want to stay, then your know it in the last few days before you move back to VTA, and you can cancel... easy.

3. You can do what you want, but in the end Im gonna be moving back to Ventura when my service is up. I'm gonna go back with a storm, Im gonna make it big. Im gonna perfect my skill in Media Art and take it to Hollywood, I'll be making films, comics, skits. I might work for a game company, or do voice acting. Im gonna dominate the internet, and im gonna help friends open up Arcade hang out spots or whatever along the way. So you might want to be there for that

Yes I have a plan! Think a 4year mechanic of the Airforce cant get a part time job while he uses his GI Bill for free college? HAHAHA

Much luck to you, Brother

talk to you on loneshadow

Aaron

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Denicalis

Anyone who moves around the world for a boy/girl is destined to feel unfulfilled and disappointed. You'll always be the one who displaced for them, and if it goes well, you're still sacrificing your own goals for their whims.

I came here from a different country. As far as I'm concerned, I was born displaced.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

O HEI GUYZ WUT GOIN ON IN HER!?

Jam it back in, in the dark.