I don't know what to do here. Parent problems.

I was kind of wary about posting this here, but I feel like I need to talk to someone about it and not many people read my Livejournal. I apologize if a similar thread has been done before, but I did skim back a few pages and didn't see anything that could help me.

Now for some back story. I'm 19 years old. I was 4 when my parents married. Both of them had been married before, to different people. My mother was in an abusive relationship, and my father was just with a whore, for a lack of a better term. They seemed happy to find each other and lived happily ever after. At least until I was about 12.

In 1999 (when I was 12) we got a computer. I remember asking for one a lot the years prior. We've constantly had one since then. A little over a year ago, my mother accidentally signed on to my father's screenname (we used AOL) and noticed he had quite a few emails. I'm not sure why, but she looked to see what they were. (Which I -know- is wrong, but it's good that she did that.) There were some advertising porn sites, but I told her that they might have been spam, which wouldn't have really been his fault. She also looked at his site history and found many, many porn sites. Those obviously weren't spam. I was upset, but I figured porn wasn't THAT bad. I mean, it's better than cheating.

Which brings me to a few days ago. I went online to check my schedule for work, and I had to use Internet Explorer (for some reason the site wouldn't work on Firefox), and typed the first letter of the url in the address bar. A very large amount of pornography sites came up. I showed my mother and she went through some of them that seemed somewhat okay (just regular porn), but then came across many gay men sites and sites like myspace, but only for sex.

We (her and I) came to the conclusion that he was looking for someone else. (Maybe a man, who knows.) She thinks he's been doing this since 1999 and is possibly seeing someone when he works 'overtime' at work. (she has no proof of the latter though.) On the way home from work today she told me they talked last night and she gave back her wedding ring and everything. (He denied everything, but she told me they talked before and he promised he'd never do it again.)

Anyway, I'm really scared. I have a job but my mother doesn't. If they get divorced, I've decided I'm going with her, but what will we do? This is all hitting me very hard and I just need someone to talk to. Aside from small things my life has been pretty okay, and this is the first 'crisis' I've been in. I'm confused.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

First of all, I think this is a severe intrusion of your dad´s privacy. Checking browser histories and the kind of sites he was on - why all this paranoia? Has he cheated before? What next - checking the phone numbers he has called? Hiring a detective?

I mean, maybe I just don´t know enough about the situation. I heard something similar before. He never wanted to have sex with his partner, but was happily watching porn and masturbating. Well, while I understand the thinking behind it, I can´t follow it. It´s along this ancienct cliché of total monopol over the partners sexuality in a relationship.

And if your dad is really homosexual - well. Then he´s been hiding a part of his identity for a long time. That brings you in a conflict. You want your parents to stay together, most children do, as this was their base for surviving the helpless years if childhood. But don´t you also want your dad to be happy and to be able to express his true feelings, his true sexuality? Tough situation.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I don't see what the problem is, here. So the man looks at some porn. Who cares? Don't most men do that anyways, even out of curiosity?

I don't see why people would automatically jump to the conclusion that he's cheating, or even PLANNING on cheating because he's looking at porn.

If you found concrete evidence that he's been corresponding with women, then you could probably be worried. But seriously, he's just looking at porn. From what I gather, a lot of men who have been married a long time do it.

So yea, I guess the point is that if he's just looking at porn, neither you NOR your mother should be too concerned. It's normal, suppose.

Also, jesus CHRIST, stop intruding on the man's personal space. Wait until he gives you a real reason to worry. Being PARANOID about him looking at porn shows a lack of trust in both of you. Has he given you reason to be so goddamned paranoid?? O_O

How ya doing, buddy?

Hey I look at a lot of porn too? Does that mean I'm cheating on my wife? What? I don't have one? Oh, what about my girlfriend then? Oh, right, I don't have one of those, either.

Hmm...

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

A lot of married men look at porn. Because porn is kind of an addiction, especially scientifically speaking. And maybe his tastes stretch a little farther than conventional fare. As for the adult myspace (which I assume is supposed to be an "adult networking site" sort of like adult personals sites) ... could be he wants to know he's looking at some women who don't get paid for it, they just want to get naked. I dunno.

He was far too careless, so I can't blame either of you for investigating into it, because sooner or later it would have just popped up in your faces and you would have had to look into it anyway. Reading the e-mails is a bit of an invasion of privacy, I suppose... but if all they were centered around is porn, that's definitely no indication of infidelity.

Both you and your mom should, in my opinion, lean back and take a breather, then talk openly and POSITIVELY with him about it.

I was speaking idiomatically.

It's no use to comment on your father (unless you want DRAMA) because there isn't enough information.

But have you thought about how this break-up will affect you? I don't want to go into details but I've grown up without a father and I can tell you that it will fuck you up in the worst of ways. It's nothing you will notice right away - nothing that you can immediately put your finger on, but a few years from now when you have the benefit of hindsight, you'll see how different - how much easier - life could have been with both parents.
I won't go more into that, partly because if I was in your situation, I would disregard this advice and treat your father like a scumbag that needs to be shoved out as soon as possible.

If you do feel very passionately about booting him out of your life, here's some food for thought. Giving up on anything is damned easy. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Just think about it - it takes so much to find that right person, to get the courage to talk to them, to find spare time to spend with them, it takes so much to make it work ... and a single sentence can destroy it all.
Giving up on kids, on relationships, on goals, on schoolwork, on most anything really, is just too easy. It's a measure of character if you can stay focused, strong and tough it out. Your dad probably isn't perfect and you shouldn't accept his faults - you ought to tolerate them until he fixes them. And work with him to fix them.

Man, it's just that-
It's bloody easy to give up on stuff and not consider the consequences. Getting a divorce will fuck all three of you up and the only thing you can think of now is "porn, omg".
I probably seem bitter now but really man. Don't rush this. Step back and think about stuff through and through.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Celes Chere

We (her and I) came to the conclusion that he was looking for someone else. (Maybe a man, who knows.) She thinks he's been doing this since 1999 and is possibly seeing someone when he works 'overtime' at work. (she has no proof of the latter though.) On the way home from work today she told me they talked last night and she gave back her wedding ring and everything.

Maybe you two should stop jumping to conclusions, and your mom should talk to him about it like a grown woman instead of snooping around behind his back. Those MySpace clones are awesome places to get nude pics, y'know, and last time I checked most guys DO enjoy looking at naked ladies.

Open conversation is my advice. Frank discussion and honest expression of feelings an' junk. Trust is the real issue, not a lotta porn.

...Gave back his fucking wedding ring? That's cold. Real cold.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Celes Chere

sites like myspace, but only for sex.

THAT is what got my mother upset. Not the general porn. I realize my initial post wasn't necessarily clear, but I didn't expect every.single.person to literally jump down my mother's and I's throats. She told me today that he was unfaithful at the beginning of their relationship (way before the computer) but she was trusting then and forgave him for what he was doing.

I was pretty upset when I wrote the first post in this thread. I realize, that if I need help and would like to talk to someone, that I need to be extremely clear. I apologize for not being that way.

I am closing this thread, only because the responses I received didn't help me at all, and I'd rather not have more like them. I'm sorry.

EDIT: After glancing at the responses again, I needed to reopen the thread to say one more thing. She did talk to him. She did so the other night and she's doing it now. I really didn't think anybody would assume she would just give back the wedding ring WITHOUT even talking to him first. I doubt anybody would actually do such a thing.

I don't think it matters too much what I say now anyway. You've all come to your own conclusions on this.

How ya doing, buddy?