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GFF is a community of gaming and music enthusiasts. We have a team of dedicated moderators, constant member-organized activities, and plenty of custom features, including our unique journal system. If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ or our GFWiki. You will have to register before you can post. Membership is completely free (and gets rid of the pesky advertisement unit underneath this message).
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 Member 1131 Level 41.71 Mar 2006 
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Funniest Quotes
I thought we should make one of this kind of funny quotes thread. Let's start from mine (feel free to lock this if there is one available already). I always have good laugh when reading these:
=========== When I was little, I thought God made thunders when he was angry. Now I know He was using it to kill gay people -from Cyanide & Happiness Superman once betted with Chuck Norris who was the strongest. The loser had to wear his underwear over the pants forever. "Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids...........eat them!" - Homer Simpson encountered some monster the third is surely damn hilarious. :lolsign: Most amazing jew boots
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Member 4413 Level 10.62 Apr 2006
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"You're racist against ugly people! Er, wait." - Me to a friend who refused to believe that anyone ugly in anime or videogames ever got lucky.
"Stick a cock in me, I'm done" - The brother of a friend, subject unknown. "You know why they have them, right? For those girls that have sex with the dogs. They don't want to risk giving birth to a furry. Oh, zing." - Me, on the subject of dog condoms (Just....don't ask.)  Drew: "He's going to die." Lon: "Noo...he looks so old and kindly..." Old man: "Fuck you..." Drew: *After laughing* "Reeeaaaal kindly, Lon." - Couple of my friends, watching Boondock Saints. Most amazing jew boots
The above statements may or may not be true.
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Member 1131 Level 41.71 Mar 2006
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"That guy's so hot! I'd do him in a second!" ~ Chuck Norris on Chuck Norris "Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus!!!" ~ Jesus on Chuck Norris “Chuck Norris is greater than God, but Oscar Wilde is greater than Chuck Norris” ~ Oscar Wilde on Chuck Norris "HARDER! OH YES!" ~ Christy Brinkley on Chuck Norris "NOT THAT HARD!! NOOooo!" ~ Christy Brinkley, Deceased on Chuck Norris "We are glad that Chuck Norris dosen't attack our kind!" ~ Pencil turtles on Chuck Norris "You may think I'm like Steven Segal but I have kung fu-MY ARM DOES NOT BEND THAT WAY!!" ~ Jean Claude Van Damme on Chuck Norris "Chuck Norris can play guitar faster than me." ~ Herman Li on Chuck Norris "None of these quotes are funny! ~ Everyone else on The above "Quote" Double Post: You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more? - Chris Rock :lolsign: I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays. - Henry Youngman This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
Last edited by eriol33; Jun 14, 2006 at 09:23 PM.
Reason: Automerged additional post.
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Member 607 Level 33.17 Mar 2006
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Lewis Black:
"I was shocked to discover that our president had never been to Canada.... How is that possible? Even drunk on a bet you make it to Canada!" "I was in Italy a while ago, and Jesus Christ...... He's big there." Heidi Foss: "I found out i'm obsessive compulsive, but i also found out i have ADHD. So essentially i forget to wash my hands about 150 times a day." "I found split personality medicine in my roommate's medicine cabinet yesterday. Then i realized i lived alone. Mitch Hedberg: "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." "If you are walking down the street with a friend who's a tightrope walker, and he falls over, that is unacceptable." "I slept over at a friend's house one night, and he said "you will have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity, got me again. You know how much i wanted to sleep on the wall. "The other day i helped my friend stay put. It's alot easier than helping him move, i just sat there and made sure he did not start to load shit into a big van." "I was in a casino, just minding my own business, until this security guard comes up to me and says "You'll have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." All i said was, "No i'm not. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.... unless you're a table." "I play sports. Wait, no i don't. Fuck" "I was writing a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, Dear Dad, i'm really enjoying my time here, but instead of really i wrote rarely by accident. But i didn't wanna scribble it out, and make the letter all messy, so i decided to use it. I wrote "Dad I rarely pilot steam boats. There's alot of shit you don't know about me. Stop trying to pretend i'm a steam boat operater." Yeah, that letter took a nasty turn real quick." "At the end of my letters i like to write "P.S. this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated" My buddy Jake: "You have a nack for saying really homosexual things, and by nack i mean stop it." Me: "I'll post 'em when they come to me" I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body? |
Member 1131 Level 41.71 Mar 2006
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who is this lewis black? a comedian? I was speaking idiomatically.
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Member 194 Level 28.24 Mar 2006
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What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
Dekoa's Friend Quote: "You can't rape the Willing!"
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Member 607 Level 33.17 Mar 2006
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FELIPE NO |
Member 545 Level 9.50 Mar 2006
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Just a few by/from Bill Hicks:
"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant." "We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free." "The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel, isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance, too?" How ya doing, buddy?
Last edited by eks; Jun 15, 2006 at 12:30 AM.
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Chocobo
Member 1565 Level 13.78 Mar 2006
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dumb question guys, but Im not from america, isnt chuck norris a martial artist/actor? whats with all the jokes about him ive been reading around him?
Jam it back in, in the dark. |
Member 4413 Level 10.62 Apr 2006
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There's nowhere I can't reach.
The above statements may or may not be true.
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Member 607 Level 33.17 Mar 2006
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Mike Wilmot:
background: Within the last few years, Canada has made it required to have graphic pictures of the effects of smoking, with health warning labels on packs of cigarettes "I'm a smoker, but i moved down to the states for a while for work. I moved back up here, and everything changed. I used to have a brand, but now i have a picture. I used to go up to the clerk at the store and say, pack of Pall Mall, but now i say, please, just don't give me the lung, or the brain. The Heart i can take, but, oh hey, you have any pregnant women left? that one doesn't affect me. I have more but i have to go for a bit This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it. |
Member 4413 Level 10.62 Apr 2006
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I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?
The above statements may or may not be true.
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Member 1285 Level 26.51 Mar 2006
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I'm not original, but I love Family Guy:
Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur skeltons.) Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night. Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts. (Lois and Peter stare in silence) Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts. (Peter and Lois keep staring) Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs) Peter: Who was that guy? Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear (Peter is in court) Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god? Peter: I do........You bastard. And I can't forget Conan O'Brien: "Fagerstrom, I'm waiting!" "I know you're in there, FAGERSTROM!" (perhaps the hilarity enhances when one actually watches the Finland special... here) I was speaking idiomatically. |
Member 607 Level 33.17 Mar 2006
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Jebb Fink:
So my daughter's hamster died recently, and i figured this was a good time to give her a life lesson. She said "Daddy why did hammy die?" and i said "Sweety, your hamster died because.... you don't eat your broccoli." Yeah, so this christmas we got her a puppy. Now she eats anything we put in front of her. "Come on honey, eat your spam and onions.... you don't want any? hmm, poor dakota." So i've gotten pulled over a few times since i moved to canada. Once it was late in the evening, and there were no cars around, so start going 136 in a 100 zone. Eventually the one cop car out there at this time pulls me over, and asks me, "What makes you think you can go that fast?" And i said "Well, there's only two of us out here...... and i missed you...." The other time i got pulled over was once when it was really slushy out, and i was going down this hill, and the light at the bottom had just turned yellow, so i didn't want to break, cause then i would have slid right out into the intersection anyways, and i'd risk getting hit, and i didn't want my passengers to get hurt and the whole deal. The cop pulled me over, and asked me what was going through my head at that point. So i told him it was slushy and i was going down the hill and i didn't want to slide, and the whole thing, and all he said was "That's alot to think about when you're going 120 in a 60 zone. I found them funny, it's probably funnier when you hear him say those. What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now? |
Member 4413 Level 10.62 Apr 2006
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"Hey I know that's not a full pentagram. It's called taking liberties for a joke. I knew I'd receive emails on that. What I didn't know was that I'd get hate mail from Wiccans. Pentagram being of some importance and non satanic. Sorry if there's offence, I didn't think brooms got DSL." - Scott Ramsoomair, re: http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=198
FELIPE NO
The above statements may or may not be true.
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Member 8643 Level 4.31 Jun 2006
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Dane Cook:
"In the year 3000, everything's gonna be instant. We can just teleport anywhere we need to be, but going to the DMV will still take 9 seconds. 'COME ON!!! I GOTTA BE AT WORK IN 3 SECONDS!!!!!' ''So why were you 6 seconds late for work today?' 'DMV.' " How ya doing, buddy?  Internet: for the win! |
Member 4413 Level 10.62 Apr 2006
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God, yes. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch. Most quotable comedian I know. "Fuck, those are huge Indians! Please do not tell me those are giant Indians. God, damnit, they're huge Indians. Okay, good game America, we had some fun, ah? Hi...giant Indians. We did some shit and....Could you show us how to make giant corn...?" "'I think someone shit on the coats!' You say 'you think', but you know. You just don't want to be the bearer of bad news. 'I think someone shit on, or around the coat area. There is a smell of shit in the vicinity of the coat area....leading me to believe...that someone has shit on the coats.'" God, and how could I forget about the greatest monologues of all time? From Clerks: "I feel good today Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money, and you know what we're gonna do, we're gonna have a party, we're gonna get some pussy, an' I'mma fuck this bitch, I'mma fuck this bitch, I'll fuck anything that moves!" *Guy rides past on his bike* "Yo, what the fuck you lookin at, I'll kick your fuckin ass! Shit yeah. Yo, don that motherfucker owe me ten bucks? Y'know, fuckin tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, take out his fuckin soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something from me I'mma shit in the motherfucker's bag." *Car full of girls drives by* "Yo 'sup, baby. 'Sup sluts. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker you know that? Cute as hell. I'd like to go down on you, suck you. Line up three other guys, make like a circus seal." *Makes head motions* "Ew, you fuckin faggot. I hate guys. I love WOMEN!" *Random guy walks up* "Whatchoo want Grizzly Adams?" ~ Jay. ...and Mallrats: "One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, 'Jesus, Walt ! You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off ?' And he said to me, 'Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?' My cousin was a weird guy." ~ Brodie Jam it back in, in the dark.
The above statements may or may not be true.
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Member 607 Level 33.17 Mar 2006
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Sorry sir, but the most quotable comedian is, and always will be Mitch Hedberg.
Cue Hilarity some of my favourites that i didn't post before: Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I said, "You fuckers don't farm! C'mon, what about some celery? I like carrots. Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like tiny snowmen." Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "AWWWW Fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!" I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here." If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school." The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless. I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole. Those are only some of the ones off the top of the extensive list at the link i gave above. I almost cried the day Mitch died. There's nowhere I can't reach. |
Member 8643 Level 4.31 Jun 2006
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Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.
This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it. Internet: for the win! |
Member 1131 Level 41.71 Mar 2006
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I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?
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eriol33 
McCloud 
Helloween 
Roan 
