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Greed: Earth and Rebirth
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NaklsonofNakkl
Th3 0m3n


Member 6922

Level 10.17

May 2006


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Old May 17, 2006, 01:45 AM Local time: May 16, 2006, 10:45 PM #1 of 2
Greed: Earth and Rebirth

Yea, sounds kinda lame at first, but so far i have turned it into an interesting story...although it is still in editing stage [meaning needing major clean up and some plot fix's] please try and grasp the main plot before hating/liking the story. You never know until you try.

Also, note that whatever context i use to relate to religion is false, but all names related to religious characters are used in proper context. Please note that i am in no way suggesting that these are personality traits for the biblical characters nor am i in any way trying to lower the ideals and respect for certian people(s) by their actions or context.
_________________________________________
Prologue:
It is the year 2010, the world has not changed at all since the beginning of the new millennium, and technology is slowly taking over. At this time America and Europe are the current world leaders and no one dares to change that. As for the way of society, well that is another story. The people of America have become very wealthy and with such wealth they have become nothing but walking greed. Because of this God frowns upon their way of life and has made plans in order to change it.

While the Earth is in a neutral state, the gates of the high heavens and the burning pits of hell are not as quiet. For years now a seemingly endless war between God and Satan has been waged and many lives have been claimed so far. This war was about to be ended though, and God knew just how it was going to happen. The Angels of the round table had devised a plan that would allow heavens forces to break threw the gate, but it was going to be risky as God himself would have to make an appearance to push back the invading demons for a while as the elite team of angels infiltrated the gates and opened them so that reinforcements could come and provide back-up to help win the war.

As the plan was set into action, the angels managed to win the war against the demons and with this victory ended the war. During which, Lucifer and his generals tried to flee the center of the earth, but were caught and killed on sight before they could escape. When the news was sent to God, he had a plan for the body of Lucifer, a plan which would cause the ultimate sacrifice of human life…


Chapter 1:
“God…Sir…” a solder said.
“Yes, what is it solider?” God replied.
“Um…what exactly do you want with Lucifer’s body?” the solder asked.
God glared at him and the solder knew to shut his mouth. God continued to walk past the troops dragging the body of Lucifer and he threw it onto the back of a truck and got into the passenger side of the vehicle and drove off.

There was a lot of talk going on between the solders back at heaven, some were talking about how God was going to do experiments on the body to rid the world of evil, others claimed God was going to bring him back and force him to be a slave. If only the rumors were true, the real plan for the body was something more sinister than reincarnating the devil himself. God had planed to use the body of a Human and the blood of Satan to create a creature capable or ridding the world of all the people who were the cause of this greed that plagued the American people.

The idea was skeptical at first but when put into a physical mold it seemed almost perfect. Though unforeseen by God, the creature managed to create a mind of its own. This would ultimately cause the downfall in the ‘perfect’ plan to rid America of Greed.

“God, we have the drop zone prepared for ‘its’ arrival!” One of the solders sated.
“Good, make sure that all goes according to plan, we can’t have this turning into a mess down there you know!” God ordered.
“Yes Sir!” the solder said as he took his leave.
God then stood from his seat, putting his arms behind his back and stared down at Earth.
“I hope this works…if not, I can’t begin to think of what could happen if I let this greed get out of hand.”

Just then Mary came into his office in tears.
“What is wrong Marry?” God asked in a calm voice.
“Please, tell me the rumors are not true!” Mary pleads.
“What rumors?” God questioned.
“I have heard rumors that you have created a horrific creature that you are going to let loose upon the earth to end the spread of greed that has infected the American people!” Mary cried out.
God comforted her “there now Mary, you know I would never do that to those people!” God informed.
“You promise?” Mary asked.
“I promise.” God replied.

Mary then smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“I am glad you are in charge, I don’t know what I would do if something like that ever happened to those innocent people!”
“Well, all is fine Mary; you better go before you flood my office!” God joked around.
This made Mary smile as she left his office still wiping her eyes.

“Those innocent people.” God said angrily “Those INNOCENT people who were given a second chance by the sacrifice of my son and yet they still insist on deliberately sinning beyond forgiveness. I don’t know how those people can live with themselves, honestly I don’t.” God said shaking his head as he stood watching the ship with the creature head towards earth.

Chapter 2:
The ship was now floating over L.A. and so the angels activated the cloaking device so they wouldn’t attract attention. Before they got to the drop zone they heard a strange noise coming from the cargo hold. The crew was too frightened to check if everything was alright just ignored the sound and continued flying. Little did they know that the sound was actually the creature escaping from its containment box and had now plummeted itself over L.A.

The people noticed the creature falling from the sky but paid no attention to it as it did not concern them. So the creature managed to land in a dark ally way, as it hid out of sight from the angels who had just gotten to the drop zone when they noticed that their cargo was missing. The angels panicked as they knew the consequences God would bestow upon them if they were to tell him the dreadful news.

The angels looked everywhere but to no avail. The creature saw the ship as it left the earth and knew it had gotten away. The creature then felt hungry and remembered what it was created to do. The creature then looked for the greediest person it could find. Finally, it found a man wearing a top hat and suit that was walking past some homeless men and spitting at their feet. This angered the creature and so it hid in the shadows as it slowly creped up on the man. As the man was passing the ally at which was creature was hiding at, the creature then grabbed the man with one of its arms and pulled him into the darkness. The man could only see four red eyes looking at him before he was swallowed whole by the creature.

This snack did not fill the creatures hunger, and so the creature then found more and more people to consume and it did so until it finally became full. While the creature was resting in an ally it realized something. The people he ate are just typical greedy people; the disappearance of these people will not frighten the others into changing their ways. The creature then devised a plan to kill the three top men in the planet at the time, these men were top idols of the American people and their untimely deaths could put fear of greed into their hearts.

“God sir?” one of the pilots asked.
“Yes? How did the mission go? On course I hope.” God questioned raising an eyebrow to the shaking pilot.
“Well sir, it seems that the creature.” The pilot explained “The creature has seemed to break loose on the way to the drop zone in L.A. sir”
“WHAT?!” God exclaimed. “How could this happen pilot? If that creature is loose in L.A. there is no way for me to keep track of its actions, by known I am sure the thing has already killed a dozen or so innocent people!”
“I’m sorry sir, I will make sure that the creature is found and captured!” the pilot ensured.
“No, let him be, it won’t be long now until I find him. He won’t leave the L.A. area just yet.” God planed. “That creature has a mind of its own now; it will catch on to my plan and expose it to the world unless we stop him!”

“Sir, it seems that there have been recent accounts of missing people in the L.A. region, I assume that the creature is already up to it’s games?” a scientist asked.
“Yes, it seems that the creature escaped before it could be delivered to the drop zone, I want you to keep track of the creature’s kill count and make sure it doesn’t get to extreme.” God asked.
“Yes sir!” the scientist exclaimed as he rushed out of the office.
“I don’t know what he is up to, but it cannot be anything good.” God said looking down at earth.

Chapter 3:
The creature had his first target in his sights. The man was John Peuder, owned or the Peuder hotel empire that had hotels in every country in the world, except Japan. The creature overheard a news report saying that John Peuder was going to be opening his final hotel in Tokyo, Japan tomorrow live for the world to watch. This was perfect; the creature knew that the only way it could get the message out was if the whole world was watching!

God knew what the creatures’ plans were and he knew that it was his job to stop him before his creation got out of hand. God ordered an immediate draft and managed to recruit more than five thousand angels for the service along with the eight hundred remaining from the previous war. The solders were then told what they were to do and they froze in fear.

“Take out that thing?!” one gasped
“It’s impossible, the creature is impervious to our bullets!” another noted.
“Calm down, I have our science department working non-stop on a way to fight off this menace, but we need to take him out quickly, who knows how powerful he has gotten already!” God explained.
Some of the solders worried that the creature would kill them, others were more concerned about it getting back to heaven. Chatter quickly filled the briefing room as solders from all platoons complained and worried about what God will do with this body, will be do the same as Lucifer’s some feared while other made rumors of God going to let it loose on Heaven to get rid of the greedy there.

“Before we go, I want you to know that we will be visible to humans, this is a problem we will have to face. Remember that you will not speak with anyone, even if they are loved ones from another life time, do not interact with humans!” God exclaimed.
So the solders piled up in the ships and got ready to be deployed to earth. They were given machine guns that had special bullets that would pierce the creatures’ skin and the angels were equipped with special armor that made them impervious to being eaten alive.

God sat in the passengers’ seat in the cock pit as he stared at Earth once more. He knew what had happened to the creature, but he didn’t know why it happened. So the ship took off towards Earth.

[It has come time to stand up and show these people that there is more to fear than fear itself. I will make sure all these humans are given the proper wake up call, there is a new devil on earth, and his name is Demonicon.] The creature though to himself as he watched from the shadows at the humans walking past him, caught up in their own business and too busy to help the others around them. Demonicon just stood in the shadows, waiting for the time to strike.

Chapter 4:

Demonicon; a creature that was build to withstand any form of attack as it was on it’s mission to eradicate the form of greed from the face of the planet. It was formed using the blood of Lucifer and a human body which Demonicon quickly grew out of. His form now is an all black shadowy figure with four blood red eyes, he has four arms which can grab people or pierce through there bodies. Demonicon was also given the ability to consume human’s whole, which could help make his mission go quicker.

God; is the president of Heaven for life and leader of the Heavens’ Military unit. He was the founder of the creator of Demonicon and thus was looked down upon from the residents of heaven because of this. He has a grudge against humans which he keeps a secret.

Little do both know that they are nothing but mere pawns in a game of lie and deceit. It was in the heavens science department that a general named Mammon resides. It was this general who helped Lucifer during the war between heaven and hell, and was given specific orders from Lucifer after he intercepted the message about the creation of Demonicon that he wanted Mammon to join the science community in heaven and secretly insert Lucifer’s brain into the creature along with his blood so that Lucifer would be reincarnated into Demonicons’ body.

Although this was not known to anyone other than Lucifer and Mammon so that the secret was never figured out and that Demonicon would be able to do as he pleased. It was not until God was on his way to Earth that he figured out why the creature had disobeyed. God’s worst fear had come true; the devil was reincarnated and now had more power than ever before. God tried not to show fear but it became worse, a message was intercepted that Mammon recorded telling everyone the news of Lucifer’s reincarnation and that it was all thanks to God for bringing Lucifer’s body back to heaven.

This caused a riot from the troops and God lost control of his army. God then tried to regain the troops trust by telling them that everything was under control but to no avail. The troops still retaliated against God and refused to fight against Lucifer once more.
“You don’t have any other option but to fight Lucifer or else you will be stranded on Earth with the creature left to fight for yourself.” God said angrily.
“You wouldn’t!” a solder shouted.
“Oh, believe me, I would.” God replied.

This scared the troops into obeying his commands once more and just in time as they arrived on Earth. The men looked out their windows at the home at which they once resided to, the people they once lived side by side with. They knew this was something they would not experience again and they savored every moment of it. It was like the feeling of Christmas for a child.

The ship landed in the middle of a busy L.A. street and the troops were given the green light to disperse. The solders marched out of the ship and got their guns ready to fight off Demonicon, where ever he might be. Demonicon knew that the solders had arrived by the sound of the ship, a ship he was once contained in. Demonicon knew what he had to do, so he quickly darted in the shadows of people until he came to the shadow of the ship.

Demonicon waited until nightfall arrived, that was when he came out of hiding. The solders were still searching for Demonicon but to no prevail. They were returning to the ship when they noticed a trail of blood leading to the inside of the ship. They quickly followed, only to be horrified at the sight of the pilot dangling from the cargo roof, his arms sliced on the veins and the rope cutting though the neck causing the head to dangle off the neck, falling at the arrival of the troops causing some of the solders to vomit.

“This is no suicide!” God suggested.
“Then who could have done this?” A solder questioned.
“You mean what could have done this!” God replied “I am afraid Lucifer is on to us, by stranding us out here, and at night, he has full advantage over us.”
“What should we do?” A solder panicked.
“Stay calm and hold your ground.” God commanded.
The solders all stood in formation holding their guns upward and stood ready for an attack. The silent sounds of the city created tension between the solders and with ever little sound made the solders jump. Demonicon just sat and watched the solders one by one growing in fear, Demonicon could sense their fear which made his hunger grow.

Demonicon’s stomach began to growl and made the sound of human screams. This sound frightened one of the solders to run off the ship yelling, but before the others could stop him he was already onto the streets. The solders watched as one of their own ran until the solder stopped in his tracks. The solder then turned around and began to run back to the ship shouting, but the solders could not make out what he was saying. It wasn’t until the solder was about to re-enter the ship did his words come clear.
“Lucifer’s heading this way! Run!”
Right as the solder stepped foot onto the ships loading ramp a shadowy figure grew behind him and the solders watched in sheer terror as Demonicon pierced threw the solders ribs using only his left arm causing blood to spew everywhere on the ship. The solders began to fire at Demonicon but lost sight of him in the shadows of the city street.

“Aright, that’s enough! Hold your fire!” God shouted “He is gone for now, let’s just seal the ships hanger and get a good nights rest, we will continue out search at dawn!”
The solders moaned and gowned but to no avail; God sealed up the ship and shut down the lights. The solders lay awake, unable to sleep knowing that Demonicon could attack at any moment.

Chapter 5:

As the solders slept, God began to doze off as well. While sleeping God experienced a nightmare, a nightmare filled with death and killing of innocent people. The murderer was a cloaked male with sharp teeth and claws for hands. The cloaked figure covered his eyes and always smiled while he was killing. The first appearance this figure showed him killing what seemed like 4 teenagers, one being hung by his own intestine and missing the lower half of his body and the skin on his face, another was a girl lying in the corner with two holes going threw her stomach. The figure was dragging a girl by her head with his claws piercing threw her head and blood flowing down at every step, and finally was a boy who was missing his right leg and had 4 holes in his stomach, the figure was holding the boy by his head as his claws were going threw his face.


Next was the figure again killing some teenagers, this time he had killed a girl by sticking her threw a flag pole in the chest and then ripped her legs from her pelvis. In the corner was a boy holding his arm, has half of it was gone, torn from his body and the boy, still alive but losing blood stared at the figure with anger as he stood in front of his girlfriend who was laying face down on a sharp object sticking out from the ground which pierced threw her heart and she laid bleeding. The final teen was a boy whose head was being held in the claws of the figure as he smiled re-creating the famous Shakespeare scene and in his right claws held the boys body which has three holes in the chest and covered in blood which was coming out of the his neck.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Come, Dance the Dance of Love!
Kazyl
Good Chocobo


Member 1774

Level 17.65

Mar 2006


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Old Jun 5, 2006, 03:00 AM Local time: Jun 5, 2006, 01:00 AM #2 of 2
I’ve been meaning to read this for awhile. It was kind of hard for me to get over the fact that you humanized god the way you did. But besides that, a few questions:

Why is he only fixated on the problems in America? I mean, he created the world and mankind, why only rid America of Greed (I noticed you capitalized ‘Greed.’ Are you suggesting Greed is a person?)?

In chapter 3 someone says their available bullets won’t work then at the end of the end of the chapter, they’re suddenly equipped with bullets that do. Anticlimactic?

There are more questions, but they all stem from the conflict between my current knowledge and the humanization of these immortal beings. I noticed that you tend to reiterate the subject (like in chapter 2: “The creature saw the ship…” “The creature then felt hungry…” “The creature then looked for…” etc.). You only have to state the subject once and then you can refer to it with some other pro-noun. Or you could even substitute the word ‘creature’ with another adjective like ‘beast’ or something.

I also noticed that there’s not a lot of description. This might be a personal bias but you should try describing a scene more. For example, you say that a scene takes place in heaven yet you don’t describe what ‘heaven’ actually is. I’m thinking of a cliché blue sky and clouds but you might be thinking about something completely different. Heaven is probably a floating military base in the sky for all I know.

Oh, before Demonicon gained his identity, he was supposed to kill significant icons of the time period (i.e. that John Peuder guy) then in chapter 4 he’s just stalking god and his army. Did his objective change because he realized who he was? Because you didn’t mention that so I’m only assuming. In addition to that, why would he kill the Peuder guy? Aside from the fact that he’s important, you didn’t state that he was greedy so what would killing him prove other than important people are capable of dying as well?

Lastly, threw is not the same thing as through.

Anyways, I hope that was the type of feedback you were looking for.

Off topic but…:
Originally Posted by Your myspace profile
“I am a good debater when a topic of interest comes up and am a funny person once you get past my "i am going to kill you" outlook and appearance. I am a friendly person and have never had a relationship out of either my own insolence or lack of decisive acting.”
I like how you said that and how in the last chapter you describe the gore in the dream in graphic detail. It’s just an amusing contrast to me.


There's nowhere I can't reach.
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