Hey! Are you listening to me?

I always thought it was ridiculously cliche for women to complain that men don't know how to listen but I seem to be experiencing it firsthand. When I talk to someone and they're telling me about something, I always try to ask questions to be considerate and to seem invested in the conversation but lately I've been spending time with a guy who has an inability to do that. Most of the time we're talking about him and his life and I know he's not doing this on purpose so I'm at a loss if this is a personality trait or a gender trait.

It's not crippling my perception of him but it is bothering me a bit. So, is this a typical guy thing to do? To only want to hear and talk about college football and shit like that. When you're with girls, even if you don't give two shits about whatever spiel they're spilling, do you at least pretend to be interested and create a conversation around what they're saying?

How ya doing, buddy?

I can't answer in authority, since I am not a typical guy. However I will say that in my experience, those who I've observed to be "typically guyish" don't know how to truly converse unless you share a narrow field of interests with them.

The thing is, for a lot of people, their favorite subject is themselves. (So much wrong grammatically with that sentence but oh well.) But there is a difference between relating a part of the conversation to something in your life, and making the conversation only about you. I find myself doing the latter quite a bit while trying to do the former. The main difference I can see is being aware of it.

So make him aware of it. Show him how he diverts the conversation, if at all possible. This is another part of communication.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

My husband isn't much about talking about himself...but he can have a listening problem. Sometimes he forgets something I told him five minutes earlier. I agree with Ayos. Try just telling him he has a problem, in a nice way, of course.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

In all honesty, neither gender really listens to me at all. The girls get bored because I take too long to say things and the guys get bored because I'm not saying anything interesting, or so I'm told.

How ya doing, buddy?

Well, Fire On Ice's post was WAY too long and boring to read so I just skipped over that one (jay-kay, jay-kay ) but I just thought of something else.

Everyone fails to listen well enough at some point or another. Some do it more than others, some do it more with one person than another, but it always happens. So if you want to know if it's his personality, and not just the way he is with YOU for instance, observe him with others.

And if you wanna know if it's just a male trait, observe some other males. Although, I'm betting you've already spent time with and observed other males, and come to a conclusion anyway.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I've observed that most males ARE pretty self-involved and talk mostly about themselves but the thing is, I'm spending more than just time with this guy so somehow, I have this thought that he out of anyone else should want to get to know more about me. Somehow I get the feeling that it isn't he doesn't want to hear about my day or anything like that, but if he's not interested, he won't pretend that he is, which I'm not sure if it's selfish (which I'm thinking it is since I do directly the opposite, especially when I care for that person) or if it's just a guy thing. Hell, it might as well be a person thing, I have lots of guy and girl friends who won't pretend to be interested but like I said, I just wish that he out of anyone else should do directly the opposite.

Or maybe I'm just sitting here trying to find something wrong with him since he's the most perfect guy I know. ugh.

The observing him with other people is a good idea though.

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Yeah, I have been known to talk about myself too much, but I don't think I am that anal about it. I am usually over the top when I first meet someone, but after a while I tone it down and let the woman tell about herself. I sure love telling stories however.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by kat

I'm spending more than just time with this guy

Not sure I follow you there...

Quote:

if he's not interested, he won't pretend that he is, which I'm not sure if it's selfish (which I'm thinking it is since I do directly the opposite, especially when I care for that person)

Well, you may think it's selfish, he may think it's honest. Perhaps a little too honest, but feigning interest in something and having the other person discover you really weren't interested at all, is usually worse than just acting uninterested.

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Or maybe I'm just sitting here trying to find something wrong with him since he's the most perfect guy I know.

This kind of statement usually hints that there's way more wrong with him than you're willing to let yourself see or even admit if you DO see it. Usually. At the very least, it shows a tiny bit of idealization, which may not be a bad thing, but it's something to be careful of. Realistically, what makes this guy so perfect?

(Edit: Double Post)

Originally Posted by The Wise Vivi

Yeah, I have been known to talk about myself too much, but I don't think I am that anal about it. I am usually over the top when I first meet someone, but after a while I tone it down and let the woman tell about herself. I sure love telling stories however.

Well yeah, because it's key to make yourself interesting, and stories are great for that. My favorite thing to do, though, is tell the woman about herself. It has to be accurate, of course, but I haven't been wrong yet when telling a woman profound things about herself within 15 minutes of meeting her.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I do listen, but often discover the other person has absolutely nothing interesting to say. And anything I have to say usually goes way over their head.

There should be another thread about dumbing things down for people.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Ayos

Not sure I follow you there...

I thought it was obvious but he likes me and we're been spending a lot of time together.

Quote:

Well, you may think it's selfish, he may think it's honest. Perhaps a little too honest, but feigning interest in something and having the other person discover you really weren't interested at all, is usually worse than just acting uninterested.

That's where it gets kind of tricky, I don't feel I'm being dishonest when I pretend to be interested in what he talks about (usually his major, his frat stuff or football), I feel I'm being considerate in wanting to learn more about him and also allowing him to talk about the things that interest him, because inevitiably what interests him should interest me to some degree, right? That's how I feel and I don't think it's such a huge stretch to treat other people like this.

Quote:

This kind of statement usually hints that there's way more wrong with him than you're willing to let yourself see or even admit if you DO see it. Usually. At the very least, it shows a tiny bit of idealization, which may not be a bad thing, but it's something to be careful of. Realistically, what makes this guy so perfect?

I know my statement sounded a bit idealistic but there's a difference between me calling him the most perfect guy I know, and a perfect guy. He's got flaws too and I do see them, but what attracted me to him in the first place was what a gentleman he is in treating women and what good manners he has, which is so rare to find. Also he's got a great personality and is hilarious

Really I feel that the problem (if it even is one) is easy to fix, I know if I tell him how I feel, he'll try harder to listen better but I was simply curious if this is a trait universal amongst males or simply his own thing. I'm starting to lean more towards the a dominant male personality trait since I've noticed and asked some guys I know, and I've gotten mostly the same answers. The only difference is the type of interest they would pretend when hearing things about girls that don't interest them.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by kat

I thought it was obvious but he likes me and we're been spending a lot of time together.

That's what I figured, I just didn't want to assume something when you didn't say it outright.

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That's where it gets kind of tricky, I don't feel I'm being dishonest when I pretend to be interested in what he talks about (usually his major, his frat stuff or football), I feel I'm being considerate in wanting to learn more about him and also allowing him to talk about the things that interest him

You kind of stated the major defining factor right there. There's a difference between wanting to learn more about him, and pretending to be interested in what he's talking about. If you're pretending, you're not interested in what he's talking about, therefore whatever he's talking about is not something you want to learn about. However if it is something you want to learn about, it automatically becomes interesting. Thin line but still completely different things. You're being considerate, and I'd appreciate it a lot if a girl took time out to listen to me talk about something she's not already interested in - if she really wanted to learn about it and learn what could make it so interesting. If she was just pretending to impress me, or make me like her better, or appreciate her listening and conversation abilities, that's kind of manipulative and makes me sad. Harsh, and perhaps a bit too general, but I think you get an idea, right?

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because inevitiably what interests him should interest me to some degree, right?

Maybe yes, maybe no. No two people have to share the exact same interests, and it's usually more interesting if you don't. An uneasy thought is that you're saying if it's his interest, it should become yours too, because you like each other. This is a dangerous line of thought and in combination with the pretending, may cause you to live your life for someone else without even realizing it.
However, I'm probably just overreacting to that, and I'll take the question at face value. You should at least have an interest in letting him pursue his own interests.
If you don't have any interests in common, though, no matter how engaging his personality, you'll find that you have nothing to talk about with each other, and any long-term relationship will probably fizzle out eventually.

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I know my statement sounded a bit idealistic but there's a difference between me calling him the most perfect guy I know, and a perfect guy. He's got flaws too and I do see them, but what attracted me to him in the first place was what a gentleman he is in treating women and what good manners he has, which is so rare to find. Also he's got a great personality and is hilarious

Ah, someone who appreciates chivalrous gentlemanly behavior, and can recognize a good combination of that, personality, and humor. If he's got such an awesome personality, surely you can find some mutual interests.

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Really I feel that the problem (if it even is one) is easy to fix, I know if I tell him how I feel, he'll try harder to listen better but I was simply curious if this is a trait universal amongst males or simply his own thing. I'm starting to lean more towards the a dominant male personality trait since I've noticed and asked some guys I know, and I've gotten mostly the same answers. The only difference is the type of interest they would pretend when hearing things about girls that don't interest them.

I think it's a dominant trait in general, not just in males but females as well. I've seen it just as much in girls as guys, now that I think about it. You however seem a rare type who makes a conscious effort to share interests, learn about people, care about their life and not just how they fit into yours.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

These kinds of things can be difficult matters. There can be a lot going on here.

From my own experiences, I know I find it difficult to keep up when my girlfriend jumps topics around quickly because my mind is focussed on prior discussions. Your boyfriend's mind could be similar in that it's too caught up on small details of random parts of the discussion rather than keeping up with everything that is being said. You must remember that men in general are bad multitaskers in comparison to women by nature. If the TV is on and he is watching and you are talking to him, it might not be getting through at all.

Also he might not be paying attention because he thinks your hot and he's checking you out while you talk. This has its ups and downs obviously.

He might also be one of those types who just kinda space out a lot and only things that really excite them get their attention.

You could try out some tests to see if he's just ignoring you or caught up with other things in mind. Phone conversations work well for this kind of thing because he can't stare at you then. Then what you could try to do is have some topics of discussion in mind beforehand and try to keep the discussion fairly linear and see if he can follow along.

How ya doing, buddy?

Hey thanks for the help Ayos, help put things into perspective and it helps from an objective point of view. I don't feel as if I've solved things or come to a great epiphany but I'll just see where things take me.

Also thanks to everyone else.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Ok, ok.... straight answer for you. If you don't want to be having to listen to junk over and over, then find another man. But, it seems that you like him so obviously you will do whatever it takes to make him happy, while at the same time, being moderately happy (content).

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Originally Posted by Sar

I do listen, but often discover the other person has absolutely nothing interesting to say. And anything I have to say usually goes way over their head.

There should be another thread about dumbing things down for people.

Wow. Your elitism is astounding. Why do you assume that what you're saying goes over everyone's head? More likely, you're boring as hell and they don't listen to you any more than you listen to them.


kat, I've been around men longer than a lot of the people who post here have been alive, and I have to be brutally honest. Men just can't take our incessant babbling. Women (in general) just talk WAY too much. Also, I've read about studies that prove that men don't pay attention to women as much as they pay attention to men, and I believe this to be true.

My husband has developed this wonderful skill of appearing to be listening to me, nodding his head occasionally, adding in "yes," "right," and "OK" in all the right places; however if I bring the subject up a couple of days later or even the next day he has no clue what I'm talking about. I'm convinced that unless a woman is talking about football, sex or beer the guy won't be paying attention to her.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Devoxy

Women shut off their ears when men speak of things they have no interest.

Maybe you do. Most of the men I know (my husband included) don't talk enough to bore me, and when they do speak it's a rare enough thing that I automatically pay attention because I assume it's important.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

Maybe you do. Most of the men I know (my husband included) don't talk enough to bore me, and when they do speak it's a rare enough thing that I automatically pay attention because I assume it's important.

I just want to throw in my two cents here.

I almost always (almost) listen at full capacity. I listen to things at such full capacity that I've developped a nasty habit of eavesdropping.

I hate asking someone to repeat what they've said, so I generally listen at full-throttle no matter what gender the person is. Unless I have a reason to believe otherwise, all people have equal listening room in my head.

HOWEVER. I have only got to say that I have yet to meet and experience a man who listens as intently as the women I have experienced.

The best way I try to catch a man to see if he's listening is for him to repeat back to me the last few points I've made. I'm a bitch like that, and I hate wasting my breath.

I feel bad for the men sometimes, because I DO talk a hell of a lot more than the typical man. Blab blab blab all day long. I usually apologize, too. "I'm sorry I'm talking so much, it's just I have so much on my mind." Sometimes I get mocked, sometimes I don't.

But yea. Men, from what I can tell, do NOT listen as closely as women do.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Devoxy

Also: Guys will stop listening when you don't have something interesting to say. Like critiquing another woman.

Quoted for truth.

Solution: Kat, find something to bond on so your communication will be more balanced. If you can't, face that fact and call him on it. Don't be a bitch about it, just bring it up in conversation one day. It might actually work its self out, it might not. You will never really know till you do something about it. The problem here is not gender, it's people who are too passive to stand up for themselves. Speak the fuck up, people aren't mind readers. He probably just has no clue and is going to himself "wow, a chick that doesn't complain when I talk about football!"

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I almost always (almost) listen at full capacity. I listen to things at such full capacity that I've developped a nasty habit of eavesdropping.

Thank God I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel very guilty, but I can't help it, people are so... loud when they talk. Sometimes. It's not like I go out of my way to eavesdrop, unless of course I feel it would somehow be right to do so (which has happened once in the past.... lifetime.)

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I always try to listen to other people, unless it's someone I have a hidden dislike for. I try to ask questions, and also balance the conversation by injecting (interesting) stuff about me of stuff that I know if it can be related to what the person is talking about.

I think I am pretty aware of how a conversation goes, and I always want to avoid a one-sided conversation (whether it's me talking or the other person), unless the other person just needs someone to listen to his/her problems. I've been told once that I was a good listener which was nice.

But like Devoxy said, the one time where I can really lose grip on a conversation is when a woman goes all the way out when critiquing other women (or just anything sometimes). I try to avoid it, but after a while I can really feel my thoughts drifting

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I wouldn't blame men for tuning out when a woman goes off on one. I can see why it would be so fucking hard to concentrate on a conversation that follows the same general line as the ones I have with other women. The conversation interminably leads to how they are bitching about someone. It gets tiresome. I do it, but I don't announce it to the world. But from a woman's perspective I can understand and empathise with them.

I was speaking idiomatically.

When I'm around women, which is a lot seeing as most of the office are women, I tend to be very selective of what I listen to from them. If I know that they are going to say something that interests me then I will stay and listen, and add my input as well.But if they start talking about clothes or shopping, then I make a quick exit, either that or I just tune out so that it looks like I'm interested in what they have to say, when actually I'm not.
Also, women have a knack of talking about things that I would rather not know about when I'm in earshot of them.
Men seem to be to the point and don't waffle as much as the women I know, which means I will listen more closely to men than I will women.

How ya doing, buddy?