Money matters (relationship-related monies style ANGST)

How patronising would it be for me to give my boyfriend (who is four years my senior) a talking to about his budgeting skills?

He seems to have no understanding of the ways of frugal shopping (I've seen him spend upwards of £10 on one night's meal), and when he was rejected by a phone company for a new contract because his credit rating was bad, he tells me he has NO IDEA how he ran out of money.

I have lent and lent and lent and lent and lent him money over the past year, always on the assurance that I will get it back but I have not seen one penny of it. This from a man who reminded me three times over within five minutes that I owed him £6, on the night that he lent me the money in the first place. I wouldn't care about the money if I saw that he was actually trying to sort his spending out but it's the same fucking story every time. I've just spent £52 on those Aphex Twin tickets because he can't afford it. At this point I'm not even lending the money to be kind, I'm doing it simply because I don't know Manchester that well and it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to go by myself. I'm at the end of my tether really.

I've bit back my tongue for the past year. Is it about time I unleashed all hell on him, or am I being a bitch for looking at it like this?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I'd say unleash all hell on him.

If he's that nosy to go and remind you about owing him £6 in one night multiple times, but fails to give you back money he owes you, I'd say that he's just trying to take money from you simply because you're his girlfriend and he could get away with it because of that fact.

Do it on the sake for keeping a healthy relationship, because if money is going to potentially destroy it, you might as well address it.

How ya doing, buddy?

Cut him off. That'd be the best lesson. Especially since he complained about £6, which I don't imagine is a lot.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I'm with Chaotic. Money issues are no joke, and you need to look out for yourself. Get his ass in gear so you can maintain a healthier relationship in the future. He is absolutely taking advantage of you and you shouldn't stand for it anymore. If he freaks out about it, then he's being a baby. He needs to get a grip on his spending if he's going to lead a normal life.

I must ask though, is £10 really a lot for a meal? That's what, roughly $15? Is he employed?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Bob

I have lent and lent and lent and lent and lent him money over the past year, always on the assurance that I will get it back but I have not seen one penny of it.

You've learned a valuable lesson, which is to always assume that loaned money will never be returned.

You could give him a talk about the value of budgeting, but clearly he has budgeted your generosity into his lifestyle. Wean him off of it. I'm not saying that you should cut him off entirely, merely that as long as you're financing more than your share of the relationship, you get more than your share of the say. Take him to see Aphex Twin because you wanted to go, not because he really wants to.

Frame these changes in a way that suggests that you are concerned with your finances and are trying to cut back. Which is exactly what you're saying right now, that you're tired of his spending habits affecting your finances so negatively.

Answering your question? I don't think it's patronizing to talk to him about his spending habits. I don't think it will do you much good, either, until you start protecting your pocketbook from him.

Additionally:

Quote:

This from a man who reminded me three times over within five minutes that I owed him £6, on the night that he lent me the money in the first place.

In my experience I've found that reminding the offending party about how much they owe me, and how this £6 will help repay that debt, helps. At least it helps my ego, I don't really give a damn about anything else.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Cut him off, but be prepared for the consequences.

I've been in your shoes. When I cut mine off (when I was much younger) from my finances, I lost him entirely.

Which is what needed to happen.

He'll never learn to budget until he absolutely has to, and right now, you're enabling his bad habits.

So not only would you be doing yourself a favor to cut him off from your bank account, but you're doing HIM a favor as well, no matter how much he bitches about it.

If he DOESN'T learn after you cut him off? Well, hey. You ain't his momma, is you. You just takin' care of your own. I wish you luck in it, though. I doubt you're anything like me in this sense, but I have a hard time watching people suffer when I know I can help.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Dump the schmuck.

FELIPE NO

I'm glad I made this thread, it's given me a more objective view of things. I was feeling quite used in terms of money by him and that was making me really angry, but it's me who offers the money. Yes, he's gotten used to it and it's like he expects me to pay for things now, but that's no one's fault but my own.

The problem is that if I don't front some money every now and then we have to stay in because of how bad he is at budgeting for things himself. There's only so much time you can spend in someone's house doing the same shit over and over before you start to get a mild sense of cabin fever. This is one of the reasons I don't understand how he can be so badly off for money, because he doesn't really do that much. Even when I'm not there it'll be just a couple in the pub with his mates, maybe just a bit aside for a smoke, and that's about it.

I'm not anal about money I've lent to people I know well enough unless the situation calls for it. I mean it's gotten this bad and I'd still forget about it if he, oh, I don't know, bought me a drink every now and then without expecting one in return. Next time he asks I could just say "hay what about that £250 you owe me :'D"

Sprout: Well considering we're on student budgeting, and since I can get my weekly shop done for £10, I'd say it's a lot of money. Not relatively speaking but as a student for a night's meal... Food is probably his biggest weakness in terms of money. He never plans ahead so if he's got no food in (happens a lot) and all the shops are shut/he can't be arsed walking to the supermarket he'll splash out on a takeaway. Or like his curry-making phase, I helped him buy a shitload of spices to make a base sauce since he said he was going to freeze it in portions (so I thought hey, now overall that's cheaper and it seems like a good idea), but he made one curry out of it and threw the rest away, I mean what the fuck.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Bob

The problem is that if I don't front some money every now and then we have to stay in because of how bad he is at budgeting for things himself. There's only so much time you can spend in someone's house doing the same shit over and over before you start to get a mild sense of cabin fever. This is one of the reasons I don't understand how he can be so badly off for money, because he doesn't really do that much. Even when I'm not there it'll be just a couple in the pub with his mates, maybe just a bit aside for a smoke, and that's about it.

I don't think that a talk, or several talks, about budgeting will fix this problem. You can still try, I am just not optimistic that this guy will be able to learn how to hang onto money without a big traumatic to-do about it. Especially if all his money disappears due to his convenience, not because he has expensive hobbies or anything like that.

So the next thing you should ask yourself is how comfortable are you in this situation of always having to provide entertainment for the two of you.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Not very. In this instance, it's not the money that's the problem. It's that I'm usually the one who suggests doing things. Now he's in Stafford where there isn't really all that much to do I can sympathise but back here we could have done quite a lot of stuff. His idea of a good day though equates to a lot of lazing around which I find quite frustrating. Also, to use the Aphex Twin thing as an example, I'll suggest going, he'll sound enthused and say it's a good idea and that we should definately go, and then a few days beforehand he'll dick around saying he'll try to get the money together but thinks he can manage it, only to end up with me paying for both of us because he's got my hopes up about going so I'd rather pay the money than end up doing bugger all again =/

Most amazing jew boots

There are things to do for free which get you both out of the house and makes for a day's worth of entertainment.

Outings aren't just for the rich, you know. ;_;

I would refuse to do anything which you need to front money for him for. If you wanna go out, do something free.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

So he's lazy, is the problem.

Lazy and mooches off of your desperation.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Bob

ISprout: Well considering we're on student budgeting, and since I can get my weekly shop done for £10, I'd say it's a lot of money. Not relatively speaking but as a student for a night's meal... Food is probably his biggest weakness in terms of money. He never plans ahead so if he's got no food in (happens a lot) and all the shops are shut/he can't be arsed walking to the supermarket he'll splash out on a takeaway. Or like his curry-making phase, I helped him buy a shitload of spices to make a base sauce since he said he was going to freeze it in portions (so I thought hey, now overall that's cheaper and it seems like a good idea), but he made one curry out of it and threw the rest away, I mean what the fuck.

Christ, you guys are STUDENTS and he's spending all that money? Much of it being YOUR money, to boot? That's just gross, seriously. I don't have much more wisdom to impart upon you other than to leave his worthless ass. I know I don't know dick about the guy (or you for that matter) but this is a problem that I think everyone can universally agree on as being fairly incurable unless drastic measures are taken.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Sass: I did manage to get him to come out for a picnic in the park once... Problem is that if he's not got anything on for a day he'd rather spend most of that day in bed or chilling out in his room, prime time for him is the evening, which means our only real options involve money (ie. cinema, pub, music gigs etc).

Lurk: I suppose that's one way of looking at it, aye...

Sprout: I won't deny that it's crossed my mind of late. There have been other reasons to think that other than the budgeting shite, but I have a hard time differentiating between what's a problem with the relationship itself and problems I have myself that I need to work through. Though now I come to think of it, one of my problems is an inibility to know when to let go, and to actually go through with it, so... (cuts out a shitton of genuinely angsy crap)

How ya doing, buddy?

If the relationship isn't working for you, it's time to let go. Even if it's not working for you due to problems you have yourself that you need to work through. You'll have a pretty hard time working through your problems as long as you're in an environment permissive of them; the same reason why your bf has no interest in learning how to be frugal or productive.

How ya doing, buddy?

You are absolutely right lurk, as ever. But you see I'm a complete retard when it comes to relationships. I have a complete and utter fear of being alone, so I have a tendancy to cling to things that are unproductive or destructive. I know so little about my own motives that it's only just become apparent to me that by making this thread I was looking for reassurance that it was okay to even be angry with him, let alone break up with him. Rest assured though, I'm going to get this shit over with, this weekend when I actually see him. Of course it's easy enough to say that after a bottle of the bad stuff. Here's hoping I actually have the balls to do something about it when the week finishes.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Okay, first off, you're not going to fix your boyfriend. If he is a lazy schmuck, then he is going to remain so. Just accept this fact.

Now, assume you guys are still together after college. Can you live with this guy? Is he honestly going to fairly support his half of both of your lives? You know the answer already. If yes, then shoot for the moon. If no, then leave now while you still can.

Maybe you are just another one of those emotionally needy girls (likely) who just needs a pistol to fit her mortar. If that's the case, accept the prices you pay for the affection you receive, or go be a slut. Either one works.

By everything you've described, sounds like you're in a lose, lose, and lose situation. Just pick the lesser evil....or fix yourself.

Additional Spam:

Originally Posted by Bob

I have a complete and utter fear of being alone

Totally called it.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Zephyrin

Maybe you are just another one of those emotionally needy girls (likely) who just needs a pistol to fit her mortar. If that's the case, accept the prices you pay for the affection you receive, or go be a slut. Either one works.

Whoa. What is it, like the one year anniversary of your wife leaving you or something, because damn son.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

It's not my fault I learned a lot about slutty/needy bitches by being married to one.

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Originally Posted by Zephyrin

It's not my fault I learned a lot about slutty/needy bitches by being married to one.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Citizen Kane? Really? Really guy?

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Zephyrin

Citizen Kane? Really? Really guy?

Yes, I know, you don't grasp the movie. Your loss. Don't care.

Just focus on the clapping for your comment.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

So are you around to do anything other than derail threads nowadays deni?

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Zephyrin

Maybe you are just another one of those emotionally needy girls (likely) who just needs a pistol to fit her mortar. If that's the case, accept the prices you pay for the affection you receive, or go be a slut. Either one works.

Wow, Pie. WOW.

I'm not sure why you're concluding the problem is likely in her court, but I swear you become more misogynistic by the day.

I agree that if you lay yourself out to get walked on, you shouldn't bitch about it. But at the same time, I think she knows what's going on and needs some confirmation. She very likely just wants to talk about it.

"Accept the prices you pay for the affection you receive." WOW. You've got balls of steel. Good luck with the lady-catching with that attitude. =/

Then again, you could just be saying these things to be intentionally inflammatory, which I wouldn't put past you. In which case, ignore this post, you ass

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Funny thing is, I don't see any part of your post that says I'm wrong.

Jam it back in, in the dark.