life issues and a new boyfriend, unsupportive mother

First to start off I am same sex oriented and this plays into some of my problems. a short time ago my long distant boy friend wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and I did also. no dice, he passed away a week after. I was about to move to japan to be with him and then the Gods happened to find another use for him... As callous as it sounds i am over this and need to move on given my personality. The mother of my deceased boyfriend along with his sister and father (who to this day still think as family) are asking me to move on as they know my personality and need to be with someone. So that is some of my background.

Now to the present time, my cold hearted mother found out about my boyfriend passing and basically said it was the will of god that he died because our love was a freak of nature. In doing this she decided to set me up on a blind date that i did not accept with a devote Christian girl from a bible study. Long story short I met her for a total of 30 minutes and dislike her even as a human, My mother and I are no longer on speaking terms anymore especially in what she has done. BTW I am a devote Shintoist to make matters worse with the terms between my mother. No one else in my family including my father is opposed to my life style or religious affiliations.

I am in crossroads as of right now with work also, I am an electronics engineer by education as of now. I currently reside in Arizona temporally and am a German citizen. Now I ask the following because I have allot of options and want to see if anyone can use their wisdom as help.

Ok so first off I am looking to start a serious relationship and even though i am not shy in other situations I am when it comes to boys -_-. I am very submissive in relationships and seek the same. Well i have a crush of a friend from back home (a very long term friend) and according to my cousin he has a crush on me. We both are very shy and submissive and I am wondering what would be the most tactful way to ask him out. My last relationship had a very interesting way of unfolding (we were also long term friends from childhood) kinda we never ask each other out we just went out and one thing led to another. (so i have never had to ask any one out really)

Next on to my mother, I don't want to sound juvenile here but I am thinking of just severing ties with her what so ever. Any other solutions please post ^^. Emotionally i just cant stand it any more, the constant taunting and telling that i am going to hell.

Now onto a place to go... I am leaving Arizona as most of my friends are leaving and going other places from here during the holiday season to go live other places. Really the only reason i have stayed here was the people i cared for. But i will be back later to visit them in their new locations. I was given an offer to stay with one of my childhood friends in Japan (also a friend of my boyfriend). The passing has made her very sad and lonely as we were all really good friends. I really need to visit and I am thinking it best to stay with her and look for work at a previous employer in Japan ? also on the other side back home in Germany my family and friends are asking for me to come back, this is were i am torn. any advice in how to choose would be welcome.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I'll keep it short.

Cut ties with your Mum

Go back to Germany.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Not sure about where you should go but if I were you, I'd cut ties with your mother. You need positive people who accept who you are in your life.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Yuki Chan, you have an issue. A serious issue. And it's not your mother.

You have a co-dependency problem. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet before getting into a relationship. In other words, you need to learn how to be by yourself before you need to "be with someone."

Before I start jumping to conclusions though, how old are you?

Sounds like your mother won't do well in accepting your lifestyle right now. You're best to just stop listening to her. You know who you are, obviously. You have your own beliefs and you are your own person with your own life views. Her nagging and lecturing you will only further the gap between you.

You need to explain this to her. If she can't accept it, cut the ties and move on. You can't live life for your mother, compromising yourself.

But seriously. Considering being single for a while. Not because of your mother or anything, but for your own strength. "NEEDING" to be in a relationship is very, very unhealthy.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Ya know, I wanted to say "cut ties with your mom", but I didn't want to be seen as a cold-blooded asshole. So now that other people said it first, I can be sure that I don't actually have a really skewed reading of this, and say that I agree with them entirely.

I'm also inclined to agree with Sass, but only you can set the course of your life. You have to decide whether or not time alone would help you.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I agree with Sass, as well. Also, I have to question the whole "I am very submissive and seek the same" thing. Why are you so submissive, and if you really are, why would you want someone else like that? It's not exactly the sign of an emotionally healthy person. I would guess that you have been abused in some way, probably all throughout your childhood, but that's really none of my business.

As for your mother, it does matter how old you are. If you're an adult and she can't accept you and the way you choose to live your life, then you're probably better off severing ties with her, at least for now. Why keep a constant negative force in your life? Someone constantly telling you that you're going to hell? Forget that.

It's also interesting how you say "I am same sex oriented" as if you're afraid to utter the words "I'm gay." You really need to work on being more assertive and sticking up for yourself and who you are.

By the way, how did your boyfriend die, if you don't mind my asking.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

sorry bout my wording earlier, yes i do say that I am gay, damn proud of it also ^^. I just turned 21 and this is why i am leaving home, just finished post high school education thats why i am still at home. I don't listen to my mother at all, haven't since i came out when i was 16... But it i a real moral killer when you come home from work and here all the shit... As for a relationship, it is a need to be around people... not just a boy friend... after some deliberation and talking to my friend currently residing in japan I have ask here to become my room mate and she has accepted. So either I go to japan or back home to Germany. She is a dual citizen and doesn't mind either place. After reading this I may have been to hasty to start another relationship, being with freinds may just be fine right now. I am thinking now after some input that i would be better off with freinds for a bit before going into a relationship. The reason i like having a submissive other is because they match my wants in a relationship and it worked out with my last boy friend. I just have no need to be controlling or to be controlled by someone else. In an answer to the question of how my last boy friend died was respiratory distress caused by respiratory problems he had since a child.

As for the co-dependency problem i do acknowledge this, I can go for a few weeks on my own but thats the isolation that i can take. Any more then i start getting really depressed, i always grew up around freinds and extended family.

FELIPE NO

I don't think you should cut ties with your mom...but you are 21. Make her understand that she has to accept you as her son, the way you are.
the only way to do that may be to take a temporary 'leave' from her though...

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Can't add much to what's been said, I agree with all the above. I guess depending on what sort of mummer you've got, perhaps a frank conversation letting her know that she's got to start accepting that this is who you are, otherwise it's bye-bye for now. Maybe after a bit she'll come to and realize, hey, I miss my son and what does his sexual orientation have to do with our relationship anyway? If not, well, tough and I guess you've gotta keep moving for the now. I guess, keep your options open and maybe she'll come around is all.

And yeah, I'd actually say discourage yourself from getting into a relationship. Seeing how you just went through the loss of a loved one, I sure there must be some issues you're sorting out, and issues which you and you alone must figure out. Friends are great, because you can think outloud with them, hang out and put everything aside for a bit and if you have a bunch, you can spread your emotional needs across them. But if you started dating s/o else, the relationships gonna be lopsided since you're going to be more high maintenance at first and need more from them, and this would put strain on it which could lead to potential collapse, and that would be more bad times.

Wait. Did I actually say anything new at all? Ah well...

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

It's not exactly the sign of an emotionally healthy person.

IRONY.

Also, does anyone else notice an extreme abundance of gay people at GFF? I mean, we've got to be way over the 10% average. Which levels the question: Do gays like video games, or do gays like video game forums?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Deni, clearly you are gay for pointing that out.

>_>

Actually I was noticing the same thing. I think despite our generally cold hearted exterior, GFF is a liberal place that is refreshing and welcoming to many different people. Thats just my take. We also find a lot of non-gamers and girls here too. Also wanted to point that out as well.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Denicalis

IRONY.

Sorry to disrupt the conversation, but what? Oh right, it's the cousin thing, isn't it?

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I have a firend who is also having issues with his mother due to his sexual orientation, but he has not severed all ties with her, they do not get along per'se, but they have come to some grips with each other. His father supports him.

When it comes to your mother, I would not cut all ties just yet... if you move, try writing to her about your feelings... or calling her, some things can get through when your are not actually present. If she still cannot accept you, then it is hard to tell. You will be in your own home, but I would not cut the last string with her.

If you just need to be around people, try going out more often... movie with friends, a bar, or whatever you are in to. Other then that, I can't really saying anything that has not already be said. Good luck.

I was speaking idiomatically.