LEADERSHIP: how to deal

I really debated whether I should put this here or in General Discussion, but since this is more of a 'what would you do in my situation' question instead of 'how do you deal with any random situation', I decided it'd be more appropriate here.

So:
Once a week a professional orchestra (Wisconsin Chamber Orchestra) performs a concert outside the state capitol in Madison. It's a massive public concert, each week drawing crowds of over 30,000, and I am the one who's in charge of the crew that sets up for the event (approximately 20 people). They're all very hardworking, so they only need a minimal amount of actual direction from me, like being reminded of deadlines that certain things need to be finished and such.

One of the things I'm struggling with, however, is that my girlfriend is part of the crew. As a leader, would you have difficulty completely stepping out of the 'significant other' role for the 12 hours that you work? Is it necessary? Am I obligated to for the sake of the others' comfort? It might be awkward for them knowing that their boss is dating someone they're working with. We don't flaunt our relationship while on the job, certainly, but I imagine it's obvious just by the way we communicate to one another.


Cliffsnotes version:
I lead crew. Girlfriend on crew. How much of the 'signicant other' role would you sacrifice for the 'leader' role?

I would appreciate any insight or perspectives you can offer on this!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I've worked in an environment where the boss was dating married to "one of us". I have to admit that it was awkward for us, and for his wife.

Employees talk, naturally. Sometimes they talk about things you wouldn't want the management to know about, such as... how much we hate the management, or how badly we screwed up, and nobody found out. For that reason, conversations used to abruptly stop as she arrived in earshot.

There's always a degree of "them and us" in a workforce, and by dating one of "them", I guess the boss's partner would become one of "them". That's been my experience.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'm more concerned with how they perceive me as a relative authority figure than how they perceive her as "one of them," but you're right, I never even thought about that.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Cellius

I'm more concerned with how they perceive me as a relative authority figure than how they perceive her as "one of them," but you're right, I never even thought about that.

I don't really know for sure how it is from that side of things. The only aspect I have any personal knowledge of is how we as a workforce reacted to his wife. To the best of my recollection, the manager in question wasn't generally regarded any differently because of it. I can't say I was ever entirely comfortable with the concept, but it didn't seem to compromise his authority. He was scrupulous about maintaining the barrier between personal and professional life, though, and would communicate with his wife the same way in the workplace as he would any of us.

Ours was a fairly non-authoritarian workplace though. We all knew our jobs, and needed very little guidance on how to proceed in doing them. In theory, the boss was giving the orders, but in practice, he would simply prefer that we proceed as we know best, most of the time. That may have affected the situation.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I would downplay your relationship as much as possible. The last thing you want is others to feel that you are playing favorites or having double standards due to your girlfriend. Off hours is the time to have fun, but during the job, everyone should be concentrating on rehearsal with minimal distractions. I think in a small group it might be possible to pull off your relationship during the job (especially if everyone is cool with one another) but it seems like you deal with a large group without such familiarity.

I was speaking idiomatically.

This is what is called a Conflict of Interests. Its your job duty to act entirely professional when dealing with your gf, treating her no better or no worse than any other member of the crew.

I know some employers that will transfer you to avoid a conflict of interests.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

If I were in your position, I would totally focus on work over the significant other stance. Since your coworkers already know, it's already grounds for juicy gossip and it's unlikely, but still possible that it might distract them from the tasks at hand. This is especially if you two are even glimpsed together.

As well, complaints of favouritism or preference may arise even though you and her know that's not the case. However hard-working people are, they may just use it as an excuse to not have to work as hard, since the opportunity is present.

Those points might sound negative, but logically, a professional relationship can really twist work situations around. Therefore, it's better to be cautious about the whole dilemma.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Summonmaster

As well, complaints of favouritism or preference may arise even though you and her know that's not the case. However hard-working people are, they may just use it as an excuse to not have to work as hard, since the opportunity is present.

Agreed. This is an issue that I'm quite conscious of, and makes me hesitant to interact with her. The work area is a very people-crowded couple of acres, and we always have our own tasks to accomplish, and by the job's nature can go without seeing each other for quite a while, so I thought the situation was rather unique compared to the more common 'I'm dating someone in the office/store/restaurant' issue.
Thank you for your replies.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Cellius

ICliffsnotes version:
I lead crew. Girlfriend on crew. How much of the 'signicant other' role would you sacrifice for the 'leader' role?

Just do your job! More than likely, she'll think it's hot that you're showing good leadership skills. If anything, by the end of the day she'll be all hot and bothered and want to take the boss home and nail him. As long as you don't start power tripping and get on anybody's case, I'm sure it'll go smoothly.

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