I suck at talking to people

Basically as the title says: I suck at pointless conversations.
I'm pretty good at talking to people if I have a reason for talking to them. If I'm just shooting the bull - you know, idle conversation - I lock up. I stat thinking about how I have nothing to say and then I get uncomfortable for not saying anything, and I then I get even more uncomfortable for the other person being uncomfortable and then I usually just say something stupid and go away.

I'd just love to be able to speak without anxiety to people. I'd love to start a random conversation with someone and you know, just enjoy talking for the heck of it. I'd love to meet new people like this. It'd just make everything easier if I didn't have this block in my head whenever I tried speaking with people.

So yeah. Share your experiences (if you have them -- can it be that I'm the only freak in the universe who does this ) and advice on how to become more sociable.

How ya doing, buddy?

Alcohol fixes this problem.

There's really not much advice anyone can offer here... the best thing to do is to just have confidence and practice.

I'm not very good at talking to people myself, but I manage okay by pretty much being the first one to smile and laugh. So long as you break the tension by putting your guard down first, everything is usually okay.

A conversation takes two people. If the other person isn't helping the situation any, that pretty much just means you guys didn't click. There's honestly nothing you can do about that.

But yeah, practice talking to people and you'll get better at it.

Did I mention alcohol?

Oh. One more thing: avoid staring people DIRECTLY in the eye 100% of the time. That's annoying and uncomfortable. You're not interviewing them, you're holding a conversation.

Oh, and alcohol.

Finding the dumbest things to talk about can be key as well. Talk about the situation you're in with that person. Comment about something they're wearing that stood out to you. Make a comment about something you can both see right away. If you involve them usually they're more... well... involved. :/

alcohol.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Umm... yeah, don't resort to drugs and alcohol. Those things a nice crutch and can take the edge off, but you can't use them all the time obviously. You get a job and want to talk to the hot chick at the copier machine at the workplace then you obviously can't down a beer or smoke a fat one real quick.

I have to say that I'm kinda in a similar situation. I'm shy, have social anxiety, and just have pretty bad social skills in general. My saving grace is that I have a great sense of humor and can break the ice a bit with humor. Trying to deal with new people has been the biggest challenge for me my whole life.

A short list of things that seem to be doing okay for me:

#1 Confidence: Be confident in who you are and whatever it is that you do. If someone starts to converse back with you and asks you about yourself, you'll want to tell them things that'll sound interesting otherwise they'll be bored with you quickly and not feel comfortable continuing the conversation. Now I don't mean that if you work as a bagger at a grocery store that you think of yourself as the best bagger ever, but understand yourself, your situation, and who you are. Your confusion with yourself will reflect to the person you talk to and they'll know you're a freak. So you might need to do a bit of soul searching.

#2 Little Bit of Practice: Try small conversations with random people. For example, you're waiting in line somewhere for something and you notice something grossly stupid or annoying that is causing the problem. Vaguely mentioning the problem in a general area, not loudly and annoyingly mind you, will draw some minor attention towards you. Most of the people there are probably uncomfortable in the situation already and your comment might make them more comfortable. At that point though, don't overdo it. Be happy that you took some initiative, broke some ice, and had some social interaction. If someone responds really well to you, obviously just roll with it, but don't force anything more out.

#3 Practice at Home: Post on forums, play online games, and/or go to chatrooms. Lots of people in these areas are social recluses but not always. You have a barrier of anonymity to ease some tension. Talk to random people, lots of them. However remember that the internet and normal social situations will always be vastly different, but you can still use online interaction for confidence-building, self-understanding, and just general chit-chat practice.

#4 Use Your Strengths: Mine is humor... you've got to have something that people respond well to, find it and use it.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Kalekkan

#3 Practice at Home: Post on forums, play online games, and/or go to chatrooms.

NO. Don't do that, it's pointless and you'll never get anywhere. I mean, since when has an internet conversation mirrored a real-life one? There's always some lame acronym/l33t sp33k going on anyway, so why bother? You'll start to pick up mannerisms from chat and instead of actually laughing at a joke you'll probably yell out "LOL! LOL LOL!" and look like an idiot in the process.

Plus there's the whole body language thing. It's something like 80% of our communication, whereas verbal communication is a measly 20% (I'm probably not exact but it's something like that).

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Matt's right.

If you want to learn how to be social AVOID "practicing" on the internet. That's ridiculous. You could have the words of cassanova but that doesn't mean shit if you're sitting there twirling your thumbs while staring at your feet the entire time.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Alcohol definitely helps you meet new people. But your still gonna feel uncomfortable because you know that they don't know the real you. I find that it helps if I keep a couple cliche conversation starters on hand. Usually discussing the weather can get a good conversation started. Because then that can lead to media and other things. Just practice basically. And don't worry about what they think of you.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I've usually found alcohol to be detrimental to me meeting people since I tend to get more reserved as I get more and more worried that I'll be a jackass (when I drink I tend to be even more of a dick since I usually stop myself from making fun of people in real life).

I'd actually say that spending time in places like IRC really isn't too bad for getting used to being part of a moving conversation, but it doesn't do much for getting you ready to approach new people and start conversations on your own.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Smelnick

Alcohol definitely helps you meet new people. But your still gonna feel uncomfortable because you know that they don't know the real you.

How you act is how you are. The alcohol does nothing but make you more bold and less reserved. It's not as if you take a drink and an ethereal being takes over your body controlling your every thought and emotion.

You'll always be you, it's just a matter of how much you're going to be you. You can acheive the same results without alcohol, but that's on you. The quickest and easiest way to open up and be social is to drink. Hands down.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Talking to someone isn't just about an exchange of information or opinions. Even if the contact is momentary, communication can build or maintain a relationship. Don't think about what you want to say while the other person is talking: just listen. A pause in conversation is ample time to come up with a response since you will know what to respond to.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I'm a very good public speaker, but like you neus I can't stand idle chit chat. Generally, I solve this by compulsively lying. No joke. I make a bit of a game out of chit chat by starting with a relatively small lie and just building it up and building it up until either you know for sure the person you're talking to is a complete idiot for not cluing in or the other person picks up on it and you both have a laugh. It works wonders as an icebreaker, as long as you figure out the right balance of realism and absurdity to make a joke out of it. I picked this up from a dramatic improvisation class I took.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by knkwzrd

I'm a very good public speaker, but like you neus I can't stand idle chit chat. Generally, I solve this by compulsively lying. No joke. I make a bit of a game out of chit chat by starting with a relatively small lie and just building it up and building it up until either you know for sure the person you're talking to is a complete idiot for not cluing in or the other person picks up on it and you both have a laugh. It works wonders as an icebreaker, as long as you figure out the right balance of realism and absurdity to make a joke out of it. I picked this up from a dramatic improvisation class I took.

That's a good idea.

It must be tricky to balance though. If someone where pulling this on me, I'd pretend to believe them the entire time and then walk away before the conversation was done.

I'm going to give this one a shot, though.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone, but it always feels a little awkward at first if I don't know the person. Usually I have to be in a really jovial mood and they have to do something to acknowledge me first in some way or another. For example, this lady I was standing in line behind in Wal-Mart told me I could go in front of her and stow some groceries in her cart until I got to checkout, cause I had like 15 things in my ARMS, and she had 3 in her cart. Doesn't speak highly of my planning skills or intelligence, but anyway. So I said thanks, commented on how the speedy checkout lanes are ALWAYS the SLOWEST, and she laughed and agreed. That led to "do you live around here, or you just passing through?" and she revealed she lived on the hill about a mile away from my apartment building. So I chatted about that for a while, then about the show I perform in, then I walked away. It was groovy.

I can't really give any advice other than GO FOR IT, and PAY ATTENTION. Notice what they seem to like, or whatever, and talk about it, but don't just make a stupid comment, ask them questions, because a question opens the way for THEM to carry the conversation further. Basically asking a question lets the other person do all the work - you just have to figure out what to ask.

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Yeah. I'm in this situation too, well, most of the time if that makes any sense. Usually, I'm brain dead. A brick wall seems more vibrant than me. If someone starts a conversation with me or comments on something of mine, I'd just laugh or smile and turn away. Sometimes I'd pretend I'm busy so people wouldn't bother me. This was a constant problem for me since Grade 9 up until Grade 12, where somehow I broke out of it. I love music so I'd play on the piano in the auditorium, and luckily, some cute girls would come in. I don't know, when I'm on the piano, it feels like I'm a different person. Some weird instinct kicks in and I'm able to talk freely with them. Piano must be some crazy confidence booster. I'd play them romantic Final Fantasy music (that's basically all I got) And SOMEHOW, they even liked me (I went out with 3 of the girls I met from the piano). Obviously, the relationships didn't go so well because the boring me kicks in. I even think that I have multiple personalities.

Also, I was in a drama production where I played the piano. And again, I met at least 8 girls. And for the whole duration of the drama rehearsals, I was talking/joking with them. (One of the girls tried to make out with me a few weeks back, meh). (You can tell, I don't meet that many girls -___-)

So basically, find your strength. Find something that can boost your confidence. Anything. Maybe you have a lucky underwear?

If only I had a portable piano...

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Sepharite

If only I had a portable piano...

Hey Sep - how about this?


Back to the topic, I myself am have quite a difficult time talking to people back then when I was 13 or 14. Its much better now. I think I managed to break that difficulty in talking when I met a group of friends who didn't really bother how nerdy I looked or how much I stuttered (back then). So I kind of picked it up from there and not too long later, I had more confidence talking.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

hmmm....same problem for me.
I've seen so many pretty girls while waiting for the train in the subway at my place but had no conversation topics to talk about

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I'm confused by this, to be honest. I don't see why you should even care to make idle chit chat. It's easy for me, sure, but I also try to avoid it as much as possible. I speak when I have something to say, and I don't see why staying silent when you don't seems to bother you people so much. But hey, I get it, you want to join the ranks of people who talk without saying anything. Fine. Here's my tip:

Originally Posted by Divest

ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCHOL ACOHOLOLOLOOL?!

Running with this, a good place to practice these little bullshit conversations is the bar. I don't know (or particularly care) how old you are, as age really isn't a factor if you play your cards right. A room full of drunken strangers is the perfect place to hone your chatting ability. Not only are they less likely to hit you for randomly starting a conversation, but holding a beer gets rid of the problem of not having anything to do with your hands. And, yeah, you can always drink it too.

You can use kinky's approach in a bar to hilarious ends, too. Not to mention most (decent) bars have a jukebox, pool table, or something of the sort to keep you busy and assist in conversation.

I mean, hey, how shy can you be in a room full of drunks?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

You want to be careful with the alcohol thing, though, because a lot of people are turned off by a drunk person. A drink (or two) probably does help most people, in all honesty, but anyone who thinks they can drink a fifth of Crown Royal and still be able to hold an intelligent and engaging conversation is fooling themselves.

Also, wouldn't it be better to somehow develop your social and conversational skills naturally by, I don't know, practicing them (with real people in bank lines, grocery stores, etc.) than to have to depend on any substance to make you more likeable?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

^^ Just had to prop Alice's post. I felt obligated to, since it was perfectly expressed and encapsulates my opinions, too.

I'm not fully aware of how my social skills are. As far as I know, they are tolerable; I get rid of all awkwardness that arises in day-to-day conversation, although coming up with topics can be a challenge, depending on the audience. But yes, like Alice said, practice in mundane environments such as the mall and stuff. Just don't be too liberal with your interaction; people may mistake you as either A) an excessively cheerful person or B) a weirdo.

I should probably practice what I preach, though. Don't want to sound like a hypocrite.

Now that you have seen this post, you must copy and paste this in 5 different threads or journal comments within 5 minutes. If you do not do so, your computer will blow up, your pet chihuahua will get AIDS, and /b/ will hack your MySpace page. Oh, and you will die.

Have a nice day!

How ya doing, buddy?

I find this happening in friend-of-a-friend situations a lot.

I also suggest real-life practice and common topic pursuit. I think stuff like the weather should be last attempts because I always see that as sort of desperation to fill a void of silence. That's the kind of thing you can talk about with any random stranger, and even just blurt out to a random person on the street. I try to take a genuine interest in the other person and inquire about them. Not enough to just say the words but I also try to actually feel interested. Very common topics for my age include "what's your major?", "what do you plan on doing afterwards?", "how do you know so and so?", etc. They almost always reciprocate back and you find at least something to talk about. As long as it's not something terribly inane, I think it would help a bit stimulating an exchange of ideas rather than feel obligated to force something.

If we run out of stuff to talk about or the other person doesn't seem interested to talk with you, then whatever.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by neus

Basically as the title says: I suck at pointless conversations.
I'm pretty good at talking to people if I have a reason for talking to them. If I'm just shooting the bull - you know, idle conversation - I lock up. I stat thinking about how I have nothing to say and then I get uncomfortable for not saying anything, and I then I get even more uncomfortable for the other person being uncomfortable and then I usually just say something stupid and go away.

I'd just love to be able to speak without anxiety to people. I'd love to start a random conversation with someone and you know, just enjoy talking for the heck of it. I'd love to meet new people like this. It'd just make everything easier if I didn't have this block in my head whenever I tried speaking with people.

So yeah. Share your experiences (if you have them -- can it be that I'm the only freak in the universe who does this ) and advice on how to become more sociable.

Only advice I can give is to stop worrying and just talk about whats on your mind and if that doesnt work you can always talk about the weather. Though have you considered visiting a psychologist?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I used to totally suck at talking to people once, but now consider myself a bit better.

Usually you should start the convo off with the usual "How are you" "what have you been up to" and try to lead off from there. If they give so-so answers from that, then try and ask about something they might like, might have in common. If they're the metal type, ask them what bands they listen to. If they're the arty type, try and ask them something relevant.

It takes practice, and it won't happen overnight, thats for sure, you just sorta "learn" how to manouvre a convo over time.

With some people, no matter how much you find it boring, you've got to pretend to have an interest in some of what they say and sorta shut up for a while and let them speak.

Also:

http://www.succeedsocially.com/conversation
http://www.succeedsocially.com/examples

howtobecooler/succeedsocially is a nice little site. :3

I was speaking idiomatically.

The easiest way to get a conversation going and keep it rolling (and get the person to like you as well) is to ask them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. So get them going, and make them feel important. Listen, and ask good follow up questions. Also, smile a lot.

If you ask enough questions, eventually they may reveal something about themselves that you can relate to, then you can add some of yourself to the conversation.

When you're done, go home and look up more info on the things they were interested in. Familiarize yourself cause 1. you can never know too much, 2. if you run into them again, you'll be able to ask better questions and relate more to what they're saying, and 3. ya never know when you'll run into somebody else who has similar interests.

Talking to people you don't know is one of life's great joys, cause ya never know when a random person might turn out to be a best friend.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I find that in the workplace there are two types of random conversations. One is the typical elevator/break room situation: you're stuck getting coffee or going to the 20th floor and someone says something to you. Normally it's something "funny", just laugh and play along. Say a follow up joke. Smile. Get away. The second is something along the lines of you've seen the person around and you're trying to get to know them better. Ask typical things like, "Where're you from? What college did you go to? What kind of music do you listen to?" ad naseum. You'll never know the types of people you meet. Every now and then there's someone who is pretty interesting. In less formal situations (school, clubs, college, etc), normally a compliment would be a good start (e.g., I like your jacket, where'd you get it?). Or whatever situation arises, poke fun at it. Don't just stand there and whip out the PDA. That just shows how unsocial you are.

Part of being human is being able to communicate [well]. If you can be comfortable in these types of social situations, more power to you. As you get older, you pick these things up more and you'll soon lose your anxiety. It's not like an interview or something. And if you don't want to talk, normally a smile would do, even if you don't mean it.

FELIPE NO

What's with all the alcoholics? Alcohol might be good for certain occasions, but what the fuck are you going to do when you're sober? Say, "I'm sorry, I'm not really like this ... you should see me when I'm drunk, hurhurhur."

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

People tend to usually talk when they have reasons to talk. I suck at talking to people too, if they aren't into sports, movies, games, current events, and some other stuff. That isn't necessarily bad though. You don't have to be good at talking to people, as long as you are polite and courteous. Then if your conversations are boring, they are boring. The blame goes 50/50 because if the person isn't into what you are into, then that isn't your problem.

For example: if you aren't into politics and some guy wants to talk politics, then that may be boring to you and not to him, and if you like sports and he doesn't then that may be boring for him and not to you.

That is why I usually let the other person initiate the convo. The person who initiates it sort of has responsibility for how the conversation goes because he started it.

As for the alcohol. I don't believe in it for this type of thing. I am never for relying on something as a crutch, because you will need to face the demons sooner or later.

I usually just try to be funny when you feel a bad conversation coming. Out of all the people I know I'm labeled as the comedian, so I can be funny when need be.

Jam it back in, in the dark.