Simple 2000 Vol. 5: The Block Kuzushi Hyper / Bust-A-Bloc

Developer: Tamsoft
Publisher: D3 Publisher / Midas

BWOOP, BWOOP.

"Quick team, we have an incoming super action... mega hyper transmission from our D3 overlord! Activate hand! Pick up phone!"

"Attention Tamsoft, Barry the janitor here. We have a new mission for you! Make an exciting new video game. You have one hour. Good luck!"

"Whoa hang on, give me a second here, I'm still trying to catch my breath."

Twenty-seven minutes later, Bust-A-Bloc is out on retail shelves. Forget about busting moves or grooves, busting the letter "K" out of "block" is where it's at! With their release of Bust-A-Bloc, Tamsoft, once known for the Toshinden games, have attempted to update the crusty classic Breakout from the early 1900's. Here's a paddle, here's a ball, use them to break some walls.

The secret to video games, though, is to keep the player interested, which can be quite difficult when using Breakout as your blueprint. Sure, the game may have been so thrilling you'd wet yourself by merely making eye contact when it originally came out, but that was then, and this is now! These are the shocking, hardcore facts. Of course, it's not automatically doomed based on that, others have had a decent crack at reducing the yawn factor in the past with their own spruced up clones. Alleyway from Nintendo (destroying Mario's face is pretty satisfying) and the Blast-Processing-powered Sage creation Devilish both proved to be pretty entertaining lumps of stylishly shaped plastic. Oh wait, this is a Simple 2000 game.



Bust-A-Bloc gives you roughly one hundred levels scattered around the world. Sounds exotic, with famous locations such as "Jungle" and "Large Temple", but you don't exactly get to take in any of the sights. Just blocks... so many blocks. Your enjoyment of this game will be pretty much dependent upon your caring enough to finish the first ten levels. This is, by far, the slowest start to a game ever. Everything moves in slow motion, with only a handful of blocks to hit in order to prevent any threat of gameplay. You'll practically be begging in front of the television set for something to happen. Imagine the next Sonic the Hedgehog game dedicating the first few levels to its latest badass character, Slowface the Stupid Snail. Well, Bust-a-Bloc would still be slower. Roll your eyes all the way into the next zone and the game will begin to twitch. It's alive, but just barely. Blocks will start populating the screen - even piling up on top of each other - taking full advantage of the amazing 3D world we live in. Remember Upwords, the space-age version of Scrabble? It's kind of like that, except your friends will hate you even more if you bring it out at a party. Your only objective is to clear the screen; it's very complicated. There are a few different types of blocks to vandalize. Most will crumble after a single hit, others will put up a fight only to wave the white flag after two. Some even hide surprises to help you on your pointless quest like a barrage of tiny balls to ruin your eyesight or an extension for your sexy paddle.

You're given up to five balls to launch right off the bat (painful). It's recommended to get them all going at once, as this provides lovely chaos. By doing this, you also confirm you like living dangerously; everyone will be impressed. You can even shake the entire screen around, causing the balls to bounce around even faster. But, despite this interactive magic, it's still just Breakout. The boredom will quickly set in. Extra fancy features in later levels such as jumps, pipes and tornadoes merely add unwanted frustration to the mix rather than excitement. To further help you on your way to a coma, the game also has no music at all. Well, actually, I lie, there are a few seconds of, well, noise, to introduce each level. Then you're on your own, listening to the same sound effect of the ball hitting blocks. This can drive you absolutely mad - both types! The fist shaking variety and the whole insanity thing. Some catchy music could have done wonders.



It's a very difficult game to recommend, what with it being 2007 and all. It's pretty fun in short bursts, say, one or two levels, but it's absolutely lethal for extended periods of time. Anything over ten minutes, really. Perhaps it'd be better suited to a portable, where you could leave it switched off in your pocket while you do something more exciting. Those already offer much better alternatives, though, such as Break 'Em All, which, oddly enough, is another Simple Series game.

Final score:
Out of five.

Most amazing jew boots