[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

"It is good that you have decided to not die, small horned man! Perhaps if you could only explode foes in future encounters that would be also good!"

Most amazing jew boots

"—a vast waste of oxygen and you smell. But it gets even better! Your entire family wishes you were dead. Even your dog! So kill yourself right now. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain."

"And we're back! Looks like Melancholy of Perfection are still picking through the debris. While we're waiting for them to get into trouble, why don't we check in with Steve "Jawsome" Fernandez at URBX Operational Headquarters in Destroyed and find out about tonight's other Xpeditions. How are tonight's competitors faring, Steve?"

"Korgar, I've got some bad news. As you know, most of the Great Lakes region is being hammered by a brutal blizzard right now, and Destroyed is no exception. Consequently, very few of our live feeds are stable right now. To make things worse, our air conditioning refuses to shut off and temperatures here in the URBX Analysis Lab are well below freezing. But our competitors can put up with a little hardship for the fans, and so can we.

Again, the weather is making reports a little sketchy, but here's what we do know. Shotgun Appreciation Society out of Pitts is doing well clearing out a dilapidated mall in Surprise, Arizona. True to form, DJ Dark Irony predicated no surprises for this squad, and that's what we've seen.

Huntsville's Subtle Piledrivers aren't doing well in Yujeen tonight. The abandoned steel mill is doing nothing to help this all-reptile southern squad adapt to north Pacific weather. At least one confirmed fatality thanks to some very rusty ladders. This could be a career-making night for DJ Ferrovore.

Finally, This Is Not A Drill is making record time during their hometown Xpedition in Buflo, despite unusual tension between the squad and DJ Drill Kill. Not a scratch on them, apparently.

The Lab will keep you up to date with these and tonight's other delves as information comes in. For the URBX Analysis Lab, I'm Steve Fernandez. Korgar, Lydia, back to you. I'm going to find myself some hot cocoa."

"Hang in there, Steve!"

"Isn't Steve cold-blooded? I hope they're taking care of themselves over there."

"Don't you worry. If the Charon Incursion didn't take URBX off the air, we're certainly not going to knuckle under to a little hypothermia."

"Looks like Crushdick's raiding the fridge! Not normally a dangerous thing to do, but judging by his behavior so far tonight I don't doubt he can find a way to make it lethal."

Murderson finds another decaying door in the southwest corner of the room. Crushdick pops open the puny little fridge, finding it stocked with about 80 single-serving boxes of chocolate milk, a half-eaten bowl of Commander Crisp, and a partially-defrosted slab of unidentifiable purple meat. And some wilted lettuce in the crisper, of course.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Kickpunch's face lights up. Or as lit up as a Dinosaur gets, rather. It sort of looks like a grin, but then you recall that dinosaurs have no emotions. Only eating.

He takes all the chocolate milk and throws them into his pack.

I was speaking idiomatically.

A door, how refreshingly unoriginal. Still, where there was forward progress there were sinners in need of enlightenment and had not the prophet said "The path of truth is hidden behind the doors of fact"? This certainly looked like a factual door so Murderson gave it a hefty kick, still too irate about his recent re-incarnation to waste time with subtlety.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

If Rufus' experiences thus far this evening had taught him nothing else, it was that trying to guide the rest of his team on any safe route was going to be an immensely difficult task. He had planned on sticking ahead of the rest of the team, but it was becoming apparent that that wouldn't be possible no matter how hard he tried.

He proceeded to check around for any traps, spinning a spare round on his finger to amuse himself for a moment before replacing the spent casing from his weapon.

FELIPE NO

Sven bench presses the pool table to stay pumped.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

1 Die Roll I am soooo feeling this

A cat-o-nine-tails. How refreshing.

Though she's left her dominatrix act behind in choosing to become an URBX competitor, Mamara decides to take it along anyway. She inspects the empty socket, and she tries to remember her previous field of work for any items that might be useful to stick in there.

Esoterica(?) check on the whip 16+9=25

And the ad delivery gun is out again. After all, if she doesn't find anything of worth in this dungeon, she can at least count on her sponsor compensating her for a job well sold.

Take out Tee cannon

Jam it back in, in the dark.

"It may seem like Crushdick is just being gluttonous here, but milk can be a useful strategic tool against several lethal URBX hazards. Invisible stalkers, for example. Not so invisible when they're drenched in milk!"

"Then they go home to wash off the milk, right? They've got to take a shower. That's when they're vulnerable! Unplug their freezer, steal their car, plant some dust in their suitcase, set fire to their cat. Milk is just the first step in a truly thorough counterattack. That's how you teach them not to fuck with you."

"I, uh..."

"Overwatch has spotted another trap, but Murderson's feeling cocky after his miraculous survival and just takes out another door with caution to the wind. Good thing that hinge was so rusty."

"On the other hand, if that scythe had taken his head off, he'd probably just stick it back on. Looks like a choice of two routes south from this corridor."

Trap spotted, door kicked, trap sprung, trap insufficiently lethal to result in instant death so it doesn't matter, wheeeeeee. Smells are wafting from the southern corridors. Old urine. Lavender.

Sven immediately pockets the 8 ball. He is the worst at Inverted Blind Gravity Pool. The worst. Yes, I forgot to move his token next to the pool table before taking the snapshot. Cope.

Mamara reckons you could stick a big marble in there. Or an ordinary-sized Ben Wa. Or anything roughly spherical really. Not that it would be useful as such. Unless it was, like, a magical Ben Wa, and those are highly illegal pretty much everywhere since that incident with the explosive runes.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The demon kicked in the door and narrowly avoided losing his head to the crude trap. Whereas this would inspire caution in many, it served only to fuel Murderson's anger. Rifle in hand, he rounded the corner, ready to unleash a hail of righteous fury into what or whoever might reveal themselves.

Move west a bit and see what's cracking

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

AGJLKA:GJ:LAGAG

Do a flying dinosaur jump kick through the door Murderson just went through, coming to a flying dinosaur stop right behind him.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Roll eyes. Follow fools and attempt to keep them from killing themselves.

I was speaking idiomatically.

"Friends! I do not know if you heard me counting, but I did over a thousand!"

Sven sets the table back on the ground and climbs to his feet, grabbing his hammer.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

"Well, that first passage looks impassable. Huge slab of granite blocking the way. Maybe there's something worth protecting down there!"

"And the next passage... what is that thing? Folks, the head of some huge beast has blocked off the second passage south. Good thing it's asleep!"

"Asleep?! Tarnation!"

"It looks like our competitors will need pickaxes, or maybe some explosives."

"What they really need is some way to deal with that thing when it wakes up!"

"That's what I said."

FELIPE NO

The marble sized hole looks like it could very well house a certain souvenir she had kept from her last meeting with Zarba! the great and mystical Wizard when he had neglected to pay her for her services on their last few "dates". Too bad she had left it in her jar room with the rest of her hardly won late payment keepsakes.

She brings the whip along nonetheless, as she figures she might be able to extract something during the dungeon crawl which would fit the bill.

Mamara moves up to the hallway, but upon seeing the cramped condition her teammates are in, she decides to wait just inside the entertainment room.

Stand one north of hallway, between poker table and wall.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

His explosives all used up, there was no immediately obvious way for Murderson to get past the granite slab and anyway, the beast was surely guilty of numerous sins and slaying it with holy fury was his sworn duty. Had the prophet not written "He who snoozeth doth lose"?

Returning to the games room, the Tiefling picked up the bench and carried it back to the corridor with the sleeping beast.

No cleaning job they say is too powerful for Cilit Bang! Stand aside you whoremongering bretheren of flea-ridden latrine diggers.

He paused to load a full clip of Cilit Bang Acid Burst Ammo (Guaranteed to get rid of all stains both inside and out). In an entirely uncharacteristic display of self-restraint, he then edged down the corridor towards the monster as slowly as he could, trying not to wake the creature or set off any more traps that might line the route. Once he got close enough, he dived forward, ramming the bench between the slumbering monstrosity's jaws, wedging them opening. The bench in place, he swung round and in a smooth movement, brought his rifle to bear, screaming an ululating cry to the heavens as he emptied the clip into the gaping maw blocking their route.

Grab bench, sidle down the corridor being all stealthy and shit looking out for traps, wedge bench in monster's mouth. shoot lots

Jam it back in, in the dark.

RAAUGHAGH?

It's not often that milk has a purpose so soon after it's procurement.

Crushdick approaches the slab, and takes out half of his stashed moo juice containers. Opening them and pouring their contents around the edge of the slab. He then proceeds to headbutt it several times, trying to gain access to the wonders beyond.

Lubricate slab with 40 containers of chocolate milk.
Attempt to dislodge slab with cranium.

How ya doing, buddy?

Sven heads west through the door and sees his therapodian compatriot attempting to batter his way through an enormous stone slab. If there was one thing Sven excelled at it, it was anything involving strength, agility, or coordination. Okay, so that was a lot of things. But battering was one of those things.

As Kickpunch, head lowered, repeatedly rams himself into the wall, Sven swings his hammer over top of the dinosaur to assist in pummeling the stone.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

10 Dice Rolls Miners initiative

"Milk as a lubricant? That never works."

"Never? You sound like you've looked into this pretty thoroughly."

"...I'm just guessing. Probably."

"Well, you guessed wrong, because that slab of rock is giving way under Kickpunch's unending cranial assault."

"Archaeologists have said that Kickpunch's people were extinct prior to the Mistake, and I always wondered what could have wiped out such powerful creatures. But now I know. Head trauma."

"The relatively small brains of the dinosaurs leave no room for abstract concepts like impulse control or self-preservation. Their crushing powers are unhampered by the weaknesses of civilized men."

"Murderson is also unhampered by self-preservation, it seems. All the bullets and screaming certainly woke that monster up. It's backing up into a bigger room... it's a kobold mining party!"

"Kobolds aren't brave on their best days, but they know how to capitalize on a numerical advantage and that's definitely the situation here. A full dozen of them, plus that monster? I hope Murderson has a better plan here than he had the last time."

"Crushdick and Callahan have broken through, and they've run straight into the same mess. They can't be happy with this."

"Any man who knows how to crush is happy when he sees some kobolds, Lydia."

"Intruders!"

"They have awakened the sleeper!"

"Tell my wife I loved her!"

"You have no wife, Kyle."

"Tell my Malibu Stacy that I loved her!"

----


Kobold Guards: HP 36, AC 18, Fort 14, Reflex 13, Will 13

Kobold Engineers: HP 24, AC 13, Fort 12, Reflex 14, Will 12

Rancor: HP 88, AC 15, Fort 17, Reflex 14, Will 14 (HP at 80 after Murderson shot it in the face while it slept.)

Kobold Miners: HP 1, AC 15, Fort 12, Reflex 14, Will 12

Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14, Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3

Rufus is standing in total darkness at O6

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

3 Dice Rolls quarry

Rufus is unable to do anything to prevent either disaster from occurring, as both the Tiefling and the Dinosaur manage to do something incredibly stupid at exactly the same time. Hurrying down the hallway after the destruction caused by Kickpunch, Rufus sizes up the situation, spins the chamber of his weapon, and fires an ice round at the monstrous creature in the middle of the room.

move to V6
mark Rancor with Hunter's Quarry
Fire Warning Shot. So much hit.
double anti-crit! 9 damage.
Target X4 with secondary


I was speaking idiomatically.

5 Dice Rolls damage again

"That bullet came out of nowhere!"

"Not nowhere, just Overwatch blindfiring over Callahan's shoulder. The beast was barely winged, but it's still an impressive act of marksmanship."

"Some of those kobolds are bringing shotguns to bear!"

"You see shotguns, I see rusty pipes held together with a bunch of elastic bands."

"Fire your glue rounds, boys. If we can keep 'em stuck in that tunnel we're safe as houses."

11 damage to Murderson, immobilized (save ends)
7 damage to Callahan, immobilized (save ends)

Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14, Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

4 Dice Rolls Marinated in pain

YouTube Video

Crushdick has none of this. None. Nothing roars louder than him. He wouldn't allow it.

Reaching into his pack, his robo-dino appendages grasped some of his leftover snacks.

Minor: Arm self with two, one pound, one-handed light beef missiles.
Free: Drop 1 more pound on Callahan's sticky feet.

He glances downward, and almost sheds a single massive, manly dino tear. It hurts to waste perfectly good flanks of mutated super cow that he got from that prison so many years ago. But he was saving it, like a good wine, for such a perfect occasion. This might as well count.

If Crushdick knew anything about Rancors, it was they stopped what they were doing for any quick bite. Happened to a Gamorrean friend of his once. A shame. He was planning on eating that guy himself.

Standard: Twin Strike (with beef) versus Engineers A and B.

19 + 7 = 26 vs 13, hit. 5 damage. COVERED IN BEEFY STEAK AURA.
16 + 7 = 23 vs 13, hit. 6 damage. COVERED IN BEEFY STEAK AURA.


What used to be a delicious (if... well aged) cut turned into ground chuck upon hitting the engineer in the face. But Crushdick could smell it from here. He's sure the Rancor would have an even tougher time resisting those Kobold pops.

FELIPE NO

17 Dice Rolls Miner F rock vs Crushdick

As Crushdick ruefully flings away part of his prized meat cache, one of the many cranial implants in the cyborg dinosaur's head crackles to life. Oddly familiar voices reverberate in his skull.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Code Indigo. Subject has thrown the meat."

"Confirmed. We have meat throw."

"We've had to make a lot of sacrifices, but we finally made it. He threw the meat. He finally threw the meat!"

"Champagne, anyone?"

-----

"What a waste of good meat."

"How good could it be? It's been sitting in his pack for hours at the very least!"

"ALL MEAT IS GOOD MEAT."

"I smell so delicious! It's makin' me crazy!"

"Boys, we have to act fast. If we don't get these maniacs out of here before Jeremy eats himself, then we're going to end up in some real trouble."

"We have to take down their meatlord! Without meat support they'll fall like dominoes!"

"These kobolds are fearless! They're just charging through Thorolfsson's suppressing fire!"

"That pickaxe swing had a lot of momentum behind it, for sure. I don't know a lot about saurian anatomy, but I don't think Crushdick's knees are supposed to bend that way."

"The Ayatollah certainly seems unhappy with his new patellar configuration."

19 (!) damage to Crushdick from Guard A's Dirty Tactics; immobile 1 round and bloodied
6 damage to Guard C from Rufus' Warning Shot
12 damage to Murderson from Guard C's Dirty Tactics; bloodied and uh well he's already got a stronger immobilizer on him so no effect there

"The beast smells my savory goodness! All is doom!"

"Our traps are still in place! The eater will be brought to heel!"

"The monster's stepped on some kind of pressure plate. Common in kobold lairs."

"Wow! A man-sized boulder just rocketed out of that western wall!"

"Just flew right through between the legs, though. That monster has a wide stance."

"Off it goes into the darkness. I hope there's some baddie back there with a face full of rock!"

"That kobold has an impressively shrill scream. We apologize to any viewers needing to replace their speakers."

"IT HURTS SO MUCH! MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I WAS NOT ABLE TO BITE MYSELF FIRST!"

Boulder trap misses Rancor, flies off who knows where
16 damage to Engie B from Rancor bite, bloodied

"Throw rocks at them! Rocks aren't delicious at all, so they're the natural enemy of meatlords!"

"I wish I could say that this is the first URBX event to feature the repeated use of the word 'meatlord'. I truly wish I could say that."

"Harry 'Meatlord' Malone was one of URBX's finest. Still, he went out the way he always wanted."

"The loss of profit on that pastrami recall was astronomical."

4 damage to Sven from Miner A's rock
4 damage to Sven from Miner C's rock (bloodied)
4 acid damage to Guard A, Crushdick, and Rufus from Sven bleeding on them

Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

What's that sound? is that the sound of her team in over their heads again?

Double move to get behind Murderson

With her ability to see in the dark, Mamara has no problem walking the tunnels to get up nice and close behind the Tiefling.

"hiya hon!"

She says as she slides her hand over his shoulder and onto his chest.

"Can't move huh? Well don't worry, I've had this effect on men before, and it doesn't turn me off a bit. To be honest, I think it's kind of cute. You might wanna take care of that gash though, you're losing a lot of precious fluids."

She's whispering in his ear now...

""Fuck The Infidels", huh? That's quite a nickname... I hope you'll live up to it when we can be alone later!"

With a soft nibble on the neck, she leaves the surely traumatized Ayatollah to his business.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

2 Dice Rolls Oath re-roll

Already desperately angry and looking to kill things, the physical assault from the Kobold combined with the much more intimate assault from his team mate finally pushed Murderson over the edge. Dropping his rifle, he unsheathed his blade and screamed in the face of the Kobold in front of him.

ALL OF YOU WILL DIE IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET MOST HOLY MAY THE GODS BLESS HIS COUNTENANCE.

He then whispered just loud enough for the kobold to hear.

And you shall be first. Men will weep in centuries to pass when they hear the tale of your fate, unholy thrice dammed cur

Minor - switch to sword, minor - Oath of enmity on Kobold C

He swung his sword at the Kobold, a massive hacking lunge that completely over-balanced him when he discovered his feet were rooted to the floor, sending him crashing into the other kobold, knocking him away.

Standard - Focused fury on Kobold C, if it hits push Kobold A to Z5

There's nowhere I can't reach.

3 Dice Rolls gtfo

Being pelted with rocks was not something that Sven had ever suffered well. He had no patience for it when the other children were throwing stones at him in his youth, and he was presently discovering that he had no patience for it now. The difference, of course, was that while these kobolds were still child-sized, he was now far larger, and far more able to dispense crushery. Unfortunately, he was stuck to the ground. They would be crushed later.

What he could accomplish now, at least, was assisting Kickpunch's ranged marination of the kobold engineers. He winds up like so many of the participants he's seen playing televised bolf (like the traditional sport frolf, but with a ball and a stick) and clubs the meat at the third engineer with his hammer.


Standard: Golf meat at whichever engineer hasn't yet been infused with beefy deliciousness.
17 + whatever= vs AC (13)
Damage: 5 + 4 = 9

Minor: Second Wind

Move: Nothing, failed save throw!

I'm not certain re: the specifics of your conversation with Skills about meat projectiles, but it looks like the damage was 1d8 + 4, so I'll go with that unless told otherwise.


This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.