Have you/would you stay with someone if they cheated?

Say you've been dating this person for quite some time now, and then one day you find out they had an affair. You love this person dearly and they are your world; they are all you have known for most of your life.

Would you stay with them/forgive them and continue with the relationship?
Or would you dump them like the sack of shit they are?

I want real thought out answers. Not "I'D NEVER STAY WITH SOMEONE THAT CHEATED ON ME CUZ CHEATING IS BAD!!11111111".
If you've ever been put in the situation before... Why did you make the decision you did?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I have been in a situation where I was in a long term relationship and the girl cheated on me, and I did break it off for that reason. But circumstances weren't quite quite the way you describe them in your post.

I was in love with her, but I also was quite painfully aware of the fact that she was not in love with me anymore. In a way, the fact that she cheated on me provided us both with an "easy way" to break off the relationship. And after some internal conflict and having to resolve my feelings for her, I can now speak to her as a friend (though we're never going to be very close).

Anyway to answer the topic question: the old, cynical me would've said that I would dump her at the drop of a hat. I've dumped girls over less.

However now that I found the girl of my dreams things become more complicated. I suppose that even if she cheated on me, I'd try my best to find it in my heart to forgive her and make it work despite it.

Of course, I can't imagine her cheating on me, because it's disgusting and I think she's better than that. =D

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'd stay.

I'm not a jealous(sp?) guy but I think there's a big (I mean hueg) difference between cheating and being unfaithful.

The times I've cheated were only one nighters, and I'm the kind of guy who approves to receive what you get, so if my girl cheated on me with some loser we probably talk about it, if it's constant and the girl actually interested in the other guy, well, I'd just kick the bitch out of my life.

How ya doing, buddy?

I'm a jealous, fearful, insecure individual. If someone were to cheat on me, I don't think I could tolerate being around them for much longer after. I was in a situation where I was strongly tempted to cheat on my then current boyfriend. Instead I broke it off with him. If it's to be done, that's how it should happen. I'd expect the same respect.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

If they cheat, hack them off; that's my philosophy. If they do it once on your watch, rest-assured that they'll do it again. When you enter a relationship, you're supposed to be faithful. Failing to do so is fair grounds to axe the whole thing.

If they cheat, it means they're bored with you (at least momentarily). Best way to teach them a lesson is to break up. Let 'em writhe if they realize that they fucked up a perfectly good relationship. As far as taking back the ones who come a-crawlin'? That differs from one instance to another.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Pretty much I think all men are just dogs and it's basically impossible for them to stay monogamous. So for me, while it hurts and shit and fucking sucks, I sort of understand it and it really depends on how the guy treats me when he does this shady deed and how often he does it. If he succumbs to a moment of weakness, is wracked with guilt and comes apologizing, then I might be able to overlook it. But he's just an dog that will pound anything that moves, then there's no need to waste your time. It really depends on the character of the guy and the situation, although on the flip side I might be inclined to take revenge and screw the pool boy. I never technically had a guy cheat on me (since we were technically "on a break" at the time) so it's really difficult to say how I really will react, I can only idealize. For me the act of sex doesn't hurt as much as when your significant other falls in love with someone.

My dad was always unfaithful to my mother but the suprising thing is that it never bothered her until he started treated his whores better than my mom. Then the shat hit the fan.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

That's pretty funny. I was with the same person for almost four years and the one who did the cheating was her, not me. It's unfair to scrutinize an entire gender based on the actions of another person. It's just as likely for a woman to give in to a "moment of weakness" as it is for a guy. I really hope you were at least half-joking with that post. At least partially.

To stay a little on topic... I did try to work it out, several times; because when you are with someone long enough it's a lot harder to just "break it off" than many people seem to think. It's easy to hypothesize about what you would do when you aren't in the situation, but the simple fact is that emotions can cloud rational judgement and you'll never know how you will respond to anything until you are actually going through it.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Forsety

That's pretty funny. I was with the same person for almost four years and the one who did the cheating was her, not me. It's unfair to scrutinize an entire gender based on the actions of another person. It's just as likely for a woman to give in to a "moment of weakness" as it is for a guy. I really hope you were at least half-joking with that post. At least partially.

No, women are really stupid, so she probably actually believes that.

=D

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Forsety

To stay a little on topic... I did try to work it out, several times; because when you are with someone long enough it's a lot harder to just "break it off" than many people seem to think.

That's more what I was getting at. What people don't realize is emotions play a big part in the final decision.
People think it's incredibly easy to just say "fuck it" and break it off, but it's really not that simple.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I agree with Devo, these things are completely based on the circumstances surrounding the relationship.

Although I am a firm believer in the saying "once a cheater always a cheater", I still think that if I loved someone enough, I would take them back. And yes, emotional cheaters are FAR worse than physical cheaters.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Devo

I'd also be much more upset with emotional cheating than physical cheating. I might be less upset if he fucked some whore than if he made out with some ex-girlfriend, simply because I know the whore meant nothing but his ex meant something.

That baffles me. I'd be pissed by either. It's funny though, since you're not the first person to say that you'd rather he just fucked someone out of meaningless need for sex.

I wonder why you say that. The thought of your guy with someone else, even if he doesn't care about her, doesn't make you angry?

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I stayed with my guy after he cheated on me, but I didn't trust him any more. I broke up with him a few months later because I knew that I would never be able to trust him and be as happy with him again.

Most amazing jew boots

Quote:

I stayed with my guy after he cheated on me, but I didn't trust him any more.

Therein lies the major difficulty. Once the trust has been broken, how do you get it back? You also have to wonder, if they cheated on you, what else have they done that you don't know about? Trust is a cornerstone of a succesfful relationship, and if it isn't there things are going to fail.

For the record, I've never cheated. I don't even really look at other girls when I'm in a relationship--I'm always having them pointed out to me by my male coworkers and friends. My thoughts are almost always on the girl I'm seeing now.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by ElectricSheep

I don't even really look at other girls when I'm in a relationship--I'm always having them pointed out to me by my male coworkers and friends. My thoughts are almost always on the girl I'm seeing now.

This is actually kind of difficult for me. Even though I'm in a relationship and I'm happy in it (more than happy), I have trouble not-looking at other girls.

It's not even something where I compare them to my girlfriend or think about leaving her or cheating on her--it's almost more like a reflex or a habit. I feel bad about it though, so I try not to do it, but it's much harder than I thought it would be.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I'm a realist. I also believe that humans aren't programmed to be monogamous. If my husband had a "moment of weakness" or whatever you want to call it and screwed some girl once - probably even if this happened more than once during the course of our marriage, I probably wouldn't leave him. On the other hand, if I found out that he had an emotional connection with another woman and was spending time talking to her on a regular basis, meeting her for lunch, taking long drives together, etc., even if he wasn't having sex with her, I'd leave him.

To me, sex isn't that big a deal and we're all human. It's emotional unfaithfulness that I wouldn't tolerate.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

I'm a realist. I also believe that humans aren't programmed to be monogamous. If my husband had a "moment of weakness" or whatever you want to call it and screwed some girl once - probably even if this happened more than once during the course of our marriage, I probably wouldn't leave him. On the other hand, if I found out that he had an emotional connection with another woman and was spending time talking to her on a regular basis, meeting her for lunch, taking long drives together, etc., even if he wasn't having sex with her, I'd leave him.

To me, sex isn't that big a deal and we're all human. It's emotional unfaithfulness that I wouldn't tolerate.

I find it strange that you're able to contradict yourself so easily. You don't believe humans are monogamous yet you're married. Marriage is supposed to be about monogamy.
It sounds more like -you're- the monogamous one, but are willing to be a doormat because of the love you have for your husband.

Have you slept with anyone while married to your husband?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Married people aren't perfect, and it's always amusing to me when people assume that just because you're married you suddenly stop finding anyone other than your spouse attractive. There are MANY difficult aspects of marriage, and remaining faithful is one of, if not the, most difficult thing of all. I'm not sure that I agree with your statement that marriage is about monogamy. I think that marriage is about love and partnership.

If you don't believe me when I say that humans aren't monogamous by nature, do a little research. I took this quote from an article on MSN:

Quote:

A poll done by the New York Times in 2000 found that 44 percent of the male respondents admitted to having had an extramarital affair (and that percentage doesn't include those unfaithful guys who weren't willing to own up to their transgressions).

I found lots of other articles to substantiate my claim that people are cheaters by nature. I think the best one can hope for is to find a partner who is willing to try his/her best to be faithful, and to be willing to forgive a person who slips up once or twice. There's also a big difference between a person who screws up once or twice and a nasty, lying cheater who can't keep it in his pants. I'm not condoning cheating, I'm just a realist, as I said before.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I believe people can be faithful to one another. Not all men/women are horndogs and can't keep their clothes on. I don't believe that cheating is a mistake that's kind of like "oops". If you kissed someone else while in a relationship, that might be something that just happened. It's quick, you're confused, moment of weakness, whatever. You can recover. But to have sex with someone, while taking off your clothes you don't have the chance to tell yourself, wait, I'm with someone else? People don't just fall into bed by accident. Drunken stupor possibly, but the whole "caught up in the moment thing" you know you wanted it, and you didn't try very hard to stop it.

I really admire people who can still take back husbands/wives who have cheated. I'm not that kind of person. I couldn't even forgive myself if I cheated on someone. I admire a couple more if they can stay faithful to one another. We're all human, it's not uncommon to be attracted to someone else and be tempted to, but to actually go out of your way and jump into bed with them, that's just not right.

I've known people, friends and family members even that have cheated. None of them ever said it was just a heat of the moment thing. It was always on the back of their minds.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

Married people aren't perfect, and it's always amusing to me when people assume that just because you're married you suddenly stop finding anyone other than your spouse attractive. There are MANY difficult aspects of marriage, and remaining faithful is one of, if not the, most difficult thing of all. I'm not sure that I agree with your statement that marriage is about monogamy. I think that marriage is about love and partnership.

If you don't believe me when I say that humans aren't monogamous by nature, do a little research. I took this quote from an article on MSN:

I found lots of other articles to substantiate my claim that people are cheaters by nature. I think the best one can hope for is to find a partner who is willing to try his/her best to be faithful, and to be willing to forgive a person who slips up once or twice. There's also a big difference between a person who screws up once or twice and a nasty, lying cheater who can't keep it in his pants. I'm not condoning cheating, I'm just a realist, as I said before.

Sorry, but I don't agree with you. It sounds more like you're making an excuse for this behavior. Maybe it's true for some people, but I have more respect of anyone who remains faithful during marriage.
Why did you get married anyway, if you're willing to let your spouse cheat? Why didn't you just remain at an exclusive status? Marriage -is- about love and partnership, but partnership means having eachothers back and not going behind it.

Cheating is wrong. Clearly. Do you know anyone who has simply gone up to their SO and were just like "Okay honey, I'm going to go screw someone else now, I'll see you in a little bit!".

No. If cheating was normal, there wouldn't be such an issue with it.
If you personally want your husband to go off with some other woman, that's fine. I realize people have their own screwed up ways of maintaining their relationships (IE: swingers, etc).

The fact of the matter is if marriage wasn't meant to be monogamous, it wouldn't exist. Marriage is about a bond and becoming one with eachother.

I'd think maybe you'd be singing a different tune if your husband really did go out and screw someone elses brains out. Or maybe, he already has, and you're making excuses for him.

That, I don't know. But I don't agree that it's human nature. My grandparents have been together 60 years and have not strayed. Along with a few other couples I know.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

No one really knows what goes on between two people in a long-term marriage. Just because your grandparents haven't felt the need to share every intimate detail about something doesn't mean it hasn't happened. I'm not saying that your grandparents have cheated on each other, I'm just saying that it's quite possible that one of them did and you never knew about it. There was infidelity in my grandparents' marriage that I didn't find out about until I was an adult, yet they remained married.

For the record, my husband has never cheated on me and I hope he never does. I certainly don't see myself as the type who would "let" him cheat, as you said earlier. I just know that if it happens, as long as it's a one-night stand or something meaningless like that, I think I could get over it in time.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

My grandma actually caught my grandfather cheating on her, and she kicked him out and divorced him. I have tremendous respect for her because of that, it takes some real balls to stand up like that even though she was married to him for like 30 years and he was responsible for most of the income of the household.

I don't know if humans are meant to be homogenous. I know that the best way to raise kids is in a normal household with both parents, though. I think cheating is pretty tasteless anyway (are you so incapable of controlling your urges?), but even moreso when you have more than just yourself and your woman who could get hurt.

Or man, but I'm speaking for myself and I don't swing that way. =D

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

No one really knows what goes on between two people in a long-term marriage. Just because your grandparents haven't felt the need to share every intimate detail about something doesn't mean it hasn't happened. I'm not saying that your grandparents have cheated on each other, I'm just saying that it's quite possible that one of them did and you never knew about it. There was infidelity in my grandparents' marriage that I didn't find out about until I was an adult, yet they remained married.

For the record, my husband has never cheated on me and I hope he never does. I certainly don't see myself as the type who would "let" him cheat, as you said earlier. I just know that if it happens, as long as it's a one-night stand or something meaningless like that, I think I could get over it in time.

No, I just think you contradict yourself. You don't believe in monogamy yet you hope your husband will stay faithful to you.

But as I've said, you never really know how you're going to feel until it happens, so you can't really say that you could get over it if you've never experienced it before.

It's easy to form an opinion on something you've not experienced.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Everyone's marriage is different though, like swingers, some people maybe not agree with that choice, but it's really their choice. If people are very forgiving when it comes to their partner's sexual desires, then that's still their issue.

I mean some couples don't let the other person go to strip clubs, some do. Not everyone takes their vows the same way, I'm guessing some are okay with having an open marriage, you would think most aren't. It's really their choice. People marry for other crazy reasons and if fidelity isn't one of them, I don't really care as long as it's not hurting anyone and it's not my marriage

I'm just not that understanding, which is why I am not married a guy that might potentially have the urge to get into someone's pants by accident. If he ever tried, I'd be gone. I know I deserve someone better if he was willing to try and pull something like that.

FELIPE NO

Fucking another person is still breaking trust. Rather or not you have an emotional attachment to them does not matter at all, you are still going behind your SO's back and doing something you know they don't want you to do.

Eh, this entire topic is kind of silly, when you start getting people who respond and have never actually gone through it. The reason ultimately that I'm not with my fiancee, isn't just because she cheated on me, but because by doing so she violated my trust. (not even just once, but twice). It was HARD to even trust her after the first time, let alone the second time, you know? Hell, to be honest it was probably as good as over after the first time but I was trying really hard to work through it anyway because I loved her.

And I won't lie, if you had asked me before this happened if I would have tried to work it out I would have said no, because the act of cheating disgusts me, and if you can't fucking contain yourself when you "claim" you love another person you don't deserve them and that's all there is to it.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Initially before reading these replies, I was dead-set on staying and forgiving my cheating gf/wife. If it were my gf I could obviously understand as relationships exist to see if people are compatible with each other, and I wouldn't hold it against her or be bitter. If it were my wife, I would be forgiving, because I always think that I have just as much of a chance of losing myself in a "moment of weakness" or would be tempted to try something new. Maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that the best case scenario of genuine repentance from the cheating party would occur and they would make an utmost effort to patch up our relationship, but I would be forgiving.

However, I'm now moreso undecided after reading the KEY point of cheating being a definite stab to the concept of trust. That's deep, and as forgiving as you can be, you would also have to be incredibly trusting (not necessarily naive) to keep the relationship in a stable shape. Of course, I can say that I would be willing to trust, but perhaps my personality will subtly change towards my gf/wife after I caught them cheating, and things would eventually become sour over time. I would like to think that cheating is a regrettable mistake, even though that might not always be the case with some people and their lusts.

Jam it back in, in the dark.