tl;dr

Since ChocoJournal isn't back yet, I'll use this thread to remark about my current situation concerning my social life. (It's not called "ANGST!" for nothing.) I'll apologize ahead of time and at the end for the length, but when I want to type I fucking do it and at great length.

Since GFF was wiped and I was still relatively new when it happened, some people may not know the story yet so I'll summarize.

• I'm 22, and I've been single my entire life. Never had sex, never been kissed (on the lips...I was once on the cheek but that was in a game of Truth or Dare, so I don't count it), and I've never been on a date. I don't drink, I'm atheist, and I have only one actual friend right now.
• How many friends I've ever had depends greatly on what the parameters of friendship would be, but best friends I've only ever had 3 to speak of, and the total number of possible friends is probably less than or around 10.
• None of my friends have been female.
• Yes, this includes Erin.

As the calendar year turned, I felt a particular wave of general dismay, despair, loneliness and boredom concerning my life, particularly my social life. I had just left Circuit City (which I had worked at since August 2002) to work at Home Depot, and Circuit City was not a happy place to work on many levels. Biologically speaking I've not been able to handle getting up in the morning since during school, whether I'd be tired or my body would not be happy gastrointestinally speaking. So, I worked nights exclusively, with a couple rare morning shifts here and there...and when I say rare, I mean one morning shift every...oh...6 months. As you would expect, this is tantamount to social suicide. I would rarely get to hang out with the people I'd want to hang out with and I accepted this as a casualty to my need to feel healthy biologically as opposed to socially. So, much like for the other 13-16 years prior to working, my social aptitude languished. That isn't the main reason why I left Circuit City, nor is it in the top 5, but I've made it not an issue at Home Depot. Nevertheless...

Being friends with someone, to me, is the sense that both people involved enjoy each other's company and would like to spend time with each other on a regular basis. How you define "regular" entirely depends on how much time the both of you COULD spend with each other. Erin is not much unlike the typical college student; gotta work to pay the bills, gotta get educated, gotta try to fit in a social life. What I think about how much time she may have to spend socially is irrelevant; the fact is we've only hung out once (back in late January) and we've not since while she's gone out drinking on a somewhat irregular basis (maybe once or twice a week). She works 40 hours, has class 2 days a week (one of which bisects one 9-hour workday; the other consumes a day-off), has an internship one day a week (which consumes the other day-off), and has presumably been making trips to the gym. Still, some people would suggest that she still would have time to hang out with friends anyway (and she does get to when she goes out drinking, which, despite some hint-dropping, she's not invited me to). Should I feel a sense of dejection, that her telling me that she'd like to hang out and she wants to be friends is simply an outright embellishment? As a person who overthinks and overanalyzes (sidenote: she recently told me she does to), this is one instance where, over time, I've groomed myself to not getting into. Conclusions:

• If she does want to spend more time with me it's only when she can invest a great deal of it at once (i.e. a planned event, like going to Boston as we've previously discussed and she's shown great interest in).
• Aside from the "stolen" time I've had with her (spending chunks of lunch breaks...or entire lunch breaks...or time when I'm out of work but stay to chat), she doesn't seem keen on spending only brief time with me, which is part of why she doesn't invite me to go out drinking.
• The other reason is she's a self-proclaimed "mean drunk", which I haven't had the chance to suggest I could deal with or accept as part of getting to know who she is or get to meet her friends.

Erin has some mentalities I would assume are based upon life experience, including her rape/abortion 3 years ago. I find it respectable that while I have a hard time even considering the whole story (which I haven't heard) she was capable of expressing it in various ways: writing, drawing, public speaking. She hasn't done much of any of this (that I know of), but it seems to have led to her dominant mentality of "I can handle my issues myself, no matter how enveloping or difficult they may be". So, when I go down the list of all the stressors in her life (work, school, parents, personal health, the health and general concern of both her brother in the armed forces and her grandfather, economic issues, general disdain for living situation, and possibly more that she's not letting me in on), I see that list and think, "What would I be like in that situation?". Of course, I could never know...the reasons why include that I'm slightly aloof but also because I've never experienced ALL of those issues at the same time. I'd presume I'd be a wreck, and that's what Erin has been for the past couple of months. I've been telling her that I hope she feels better, and more recently I've been asking her if or telling her I wish there was something I could do to help, but the general response is that she is going to make it through, for better or for worse. Respectable? Admirable? Foolish? Sometimes when you're younger you think you can do it all on your own. Whether she can or can't remains to be seen. She consistently suggests she wishes it would all go away, or that she could go away...and she is pretty confident in moving to Arizona towards fall 2007.

Where does all this leave me? Not far from where I was after leaving Circuit City. I've had the same one friend since then and, though I've made efforts to spend time with Erin and, more recently, another female coworker (since there's maybe one guy I like enough to think about hanging out with), it's all come out as wheels spinning. "Don't mix business with pleasure" to me sounds more like "don't bother making female friends of your coworkers", which is self-defeating on enough levels to consider it complete bullshit. My lack of a social life and, therefore, increased feeling of loyalty to the few who would spend time with me reinforce the notion that I would not betray or backstab my friends. Of course, this theory hasn't been tested, ever, so I'm probably saying this to make me feel better. However, it seems when talking to Erin that she's got enough of that shit going on with her friends ("mostly guys", which is why she says "guys suck"...but she wants to get married and have children someday), so I'd be better off maintaining my confidence in my ability to not lose the confidence of my friends, something Erin has had issues with in recent history. Now it's just a matter of winning said confidence.

Otherwise, my social life isn't any different. I work more days now (2 or 3 a week), and I still spend my days off (like tomorrow, I'm predicting) either doing nothing or hanging out with my friend. Those of you who have seen my prior threads on this situation have already suggested numerous ways of getting out and being social, but I can't do it myself and all at once. I feel like I do need someone to hold my hand, which is why when I stepped into Erin's haunt (a local bar), I briefly surveyed the situation, and ducked back out. I've never had a drink in my life and I quickly run through all the negatives about doing it when I'm by myself and I can't find a positive in there at all (the fact that the crowd was almost all in their 30s and up). The only solution is school. I've been meaning to go to school for almost a year now (took the SATs last June, filed for financial aid in the past few days), but the stopgap will be money. If that goes away, the questions that arise are, "How much do I try to be a social person? Can I balance my life like Erin is trying to; being social, working, going to school, and maintaining my health, my well-being and my economy all at once? Can I transcend my shitty high school work ethic?" I am hoping for a turn for the better in my social life (i.e. relationship) before going to school so I don't have to worry as much about being social, but that's elaborated upon in the next paragraph.

(Told you it was going to be a long thread.)

How should one feel when they've gone their entire life and have done all the asking but have seldom been asked? Would I have no social life if I never asked anyone to hang out? How would I know either way? I don't know how my current friend and I ended up hanging out, and neither does he. All we know is that we're each other's best friend, but he's got a girlfriend he loves and intends on moving away with. If he did, I'd be left to myself, with my same boring life. Making life exciting in this area is tough. It's tougher when I have no strong interest in drinking (especially not by myself), or going to clubs. Making people think you are an interesting person isn't as easy as you'd think. But that's how I have to get Erin or Nicole to hang out with me more. By spending time doing fun things with people, like Chris and I did when we were starting out, you probably/hopefully end up where you don't need to do something interesting to want to spend time hanging out. Erin likes me for my ability to listen to her and that I want to listen to her as she's ranting about her issues, and the fact that I am concerned for her well-being can't be going unnoticed or unappreciated. We've only hung out once so I don't consider us friends, but it wouldn't take much in my mind to make The Leap. It's the need to differentiate myself to her and her other guy friends that is my sole concern if and when the chance comes along. If and when we go to Boston may be the chance.

Sorry again about the length.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

You're still on about this Erin chick? Mark my words: LOST CAUSE.

Man. You have this really creepy aura about you, where you overthink this shit.

Are you lacking in confidence? Seriously, its nothing to be ashamed of. It seems like you do a lot of thinking, but not a lot of acting.

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The fact that I've made efforts to hang out with someone else other than Erin should indicate where I feel I am with her and where I think my confidence level is. I know I'm still pretty socially inept but I've at least got some resolve to fix it.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Yea, but you're still on about her. I would have thought by now the conclusion would be pretty self-evident.

You should just fucking throw caution to the wind. Stop thinking so much and DO IT. If we all sat around on our hands all day contemplating the most intimiate workings of the universe, nothing would ever get done and no secrets would be found.

Thinking is all fine and good, kind sir. ACting after thinking is even better. I don't know why you need an essay of a thread to say "I don't have many friends. How can I make more?"

Please don't get mortally offended or intensely DEFENSIVE by this post.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Dude, you need to jump in with both feet. Stop analyzing everything to death and just DO SOMETHING!

And also, what's up with your unnatural fear of drinking? Having one drink isn't going to kill you or even get you drunk, and goodness knows you sound like you could use some loosening up. Good lord, if you're like this in person it's no wonder you're socially deprived. CHILL OUT, friend. Have a drink and some fun and stop worrying so much!

Sheesh.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

Dude, you need to jump in with both feet. Stop analyzing everything to death and just DO SOMETHING!

And also, what's up with your unnatural fear of drinking? Having one drink isn't going to kill you or even get you drunk, and goodness knows you sound like you could use some loosening up. Good lord, if you're like this in person it's no wonder you're socially deprived. CHILL OUT, friend. Have a drink and some fun and stop worrying so much!

Sheesh.

Fucking A, Alice. Is the moon in allignment or what? I've never agreed with you this much in the entire time we've been posting.

Alice makes a point - having a glass of wine with dinner never hurt anyone. I would like to second the question regarding drink. I've never actually ASKED you about it. Whats the fear about.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

You two understand the concept of quitting smoking "cold turkey"? Difficult for most, simple for few. Jumping in with both feet would be akin to quitting smoking "cold turkey", something I can't fathom doing. As it is, I'm trying to quit being boring and lonely as most people quite smoking: slowly but surely, and with some sense of resolve. It may take some time but at least I'm trying.

My stance on drinking was more towards "unnatural fear" until last month when I concluded it was completely irrational to avoid bars. Not that I haven't been in drinking establishments in the meantime (the pool hall Chris and I frequent is the best example), but Chris is underage (despite that, he drinks at home) so we don't go to drink. I'd prefer not to have to drink to spend time with people but if that's how it has to be, then so be it. I don't want to need to have a drink in order to have fun (which is what your post suggests but I know you're not thinking it), but I also don't feel comfortable just going by myself and drinking. Best case scenario is I get comfortable going out drinking with someone (not particularly Erin but then again the list isn't very long ), meet some people there, and take it from there.

Hell, I wouldn't even know what to order for a drink.

It's not that I don't think I could control myself (right now I'm doing well enough), but that I would need to have a drink in order for me to "loosen up", and that only by "loosening up" will people find me more appealing. It may seem like I'm not too appealing based on what I've posted but I'm not this crazy in real life.

FELIPE NO

Try a beer. There's not a lot of alcohol in most beers. Better yet, have a drink at home a couple of times first and experiment with different things until you find something you like.

Of course you don't want to have to drink to have fun, but your completely unnatural aversion to drinking might freak people out. It would me.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Have you ever considered joining any clubs at school. I've always felt that clubs are idiotic, and are just a desperate way for lonely people to find others that share the same interests. But you may have some luck with it.

I'm just getting the vibe that you're way too concerned with societal convention. You gotta have a busy social life, you gotta drink, you gotta have a relationship, etc. It's all bullshit. You just gotta be happy with yourself, that's it. But you say you aren't, so who knows.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I'm not in school yet, but the idea of joining a/many club(s) is one I've been entertaining.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Just get something to do, seems like you complain a lot about life in which it appears that you do not seem like a big participate in it, but rather a viewer of it. Go and do something thrilling like going out and finding a GF or other methods of killing time and money. If Erin isn't going to work with you, go out and find some other fish in the sea. Nothing is going to happen to you...you have to go and make stuff happen. UGH I hate being ambiguous.

(hope I wasn't being too forward)

How ya doing, buddy?

The thing is, all this advice we're giving him (which is pretty much all the same) sounds so cliche. But it's actually really good advice.

You shouldn't go through life over-thinking everything. Just...live. Sometimes you'll make the wrong decisions and you'll get yourself in a mess. That's part of life. But that's better by a long shot than just sitting around analyzing every little thing to death while life passes you by.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I also have to second the thing about not drinking. I start drinking until a month or so ago and it's definately a lot easier hanging around with my friends. They used to hassle me a lot about it and they always felt awkward drinking around me when I wouldn't have anything. Now I'll just have a few drinks (still haven't found anything alcoholic I liked yet) and they won't make a deal out of it.

How ya doing, buddy?

The key to enjoying alcohol is to select quality products. If your first experience is some piss like Budweiser, then yeah, you're gonna hate it.

To help you, here's a list of stuff you might want to try:

Beers - Yeungling, Guinness
Wine - There is this excellent wine called "Pagor". It's $15 a bottle and tastes like a $50 bottle, easily. Let it breathe for 15-20 minutes before drinking.
Hard stuff - Jagermiester and Crown Royal are both Liquors you can drink straight and enjoy.

Just try to stay away from cheap stuff and stuff that college frat boys drink and you'll find that alcohol can be quite pleasureable.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Minion is right. Stay away from Budweiser of any variety. Yeungling is pretty good beer (although not as tasty as Newcastle Ale), but if you're a total wuss and can't stand the taste of alchohol at all, try some of the Puckers, which are really easy to drink straight.



They come in probably ten different flavors, and they actually taste good.

FELIPE NO

Try to avoid going the chick drink route, if at all possible, for the sake of your dignity. He is a man, if I'm not mistaken, Alice.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Point taken.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

If you want to mix drinks, go for the long island iced tea. You'll need to work your way up to that one, though.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

As it's being said, you've figured out what's wrong, now it's time to actually fix the problem.

Drinking in social situations (especially for those of us with poor social skills) can be extremely helpful. I used to not be into drinking, and I'm still not much on it. It's not my thing, BUT a few friends coerced me into it and it definately helps. (It removes your inhabitions, yada yada, yada.)

Personally, I find Guiness to be disgusting. Go with Corona. That's some shit I almost LIKE drinking. I've never had Yeungling, tho. I prefer liquor since there's less filler. For mixed drinks, I've always liked Jäger Bombs - Jägermeister shot dropped into a glass of Red Bull.

Chick drinks? That's absurd. lol

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Are you saying there is no such thing as a chick drink?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

You're still on about this Erin chick? Mark my words: LOST CAUSE.

Being the Patron Saint Of Lost Causes, I was summoned to this thread by Sass's iteration of that statement.

Heres the long and short of it: Hire a hooker.

Women are insane. They bitch and they bleed from the crotch without having kicked them in the gut. They love your money but won't love you. They may love your cock if you're black or hung like one. They say they don't play games but the ones that say that are just doing a feint before the bayonette charge.

They're listless and argumentative. For ever woman that says men are pigs and cheat - theres another woman out there sucking that husband's meatpole. They're hypocritical, bitchy, manipulative and overlyemotional like a season's worth of PMS on Dawson's Creek.

I speak from horrible, dark experiences involving women. For every girl that sucked me off at a playground and rode me after, the same girl would do something stupid like get gangbanged or suck some dude off underwater while in Aruba or get knocked up by someone else. For every woman that hemmed and hawed at me - see-sawing the whole relationship, eventually drove me to tell her I'd be digging up her father's cancer ridden corpse and leave it on her doorstep if she didn't leave me the fuck alone.

For all the women I dated I never realized how good I had it with one of them - and then lost her to someone else (though thats a serious understatement) and for the last three women I dated - they all married the guy they met after me.

Women are human like everyone else. They're also useless, breeding shitbags like everyone else. They hate and dream and fuck and spit and scuttle about their lives not unlike any other animal or very much like cockroaches.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Minion

Are you saying there is no such thing as a chick drink?

Pretty much. I look at the alcohol content; not the color and presentation.

The idea is to loosen up. Giving genders to drinks is a pretty anal idea.

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I guess it's anal to label a dress "women's clothing". I just look at whether or not it's covering skin.

FELIPE NO

Oh, there are definite chick drinks, my friend.

We're trying to help this guy, not turn him into a fag.

I'm not entirely sure that drinking straight Pucker is girly, but drinking anything that ends in "tini" other than a plain, old-fashioned martini, definitely is.

How ya doing, buddy?

Actually, if you want a flavorful drink that is not too harsh but doesn't make you look like a fairy, then try Dogfish Head beer. It sounds weird, but it's actually good. I've tried a flavor called Rasin d'etere (I think - something like that) and I would definitely get it again.

How ya doing, buddy?