What to do about being shy...

Okay, since I've been teased 3 years during primary school, I greatly lost confidence in myself and in other people. My confidence has dropped a lot back then and I ended up being shy when other people are around.

Also, during primary school, there was NO contact at all between boys and girls. It was boys with boys, girls with girls. I almost never spoke to a girl during primary school.

Now, it's been three years since I left primary school, and currently i'm in the 3rd class of high school.

Since I chose an other high school than the rest of my old class in primary school, I ended up in a new class with total different people. I really needed to get used to the fact that in that class, everyone was friends with each other, meaning girls had male friends, and boys had female friends. During that year, my conifdence in people came back and I made new friends. I fell in love with new girls but none of them liked me.

The second year was pretty the same, although, during this year i got my first 2 female friends. (No girlfriend though)

Now, in the third year, i've been changing the way I looked. I swapped my glasses for contacts, got rid of my brackets, grew my longer (still doing that) and dyed my hair black. I seem to have more luck with girls now, because I look way better than I did before, in my point of view.

I fell in love with a girl, and she was in love with me too. That was for 3 months... We were both shy, so nothing came out of it. :dotdotdot: (Damn I hate my shyness)

Last week, I've been on cultural exchange to France. it was very fun! A girl who's in my class came to me and said: '"I think you easily can get girls." I was like, WTF. I asked why. she replied: "Well, you're hot, nice and sexy" I was like: Yeah right. A guy who's also in my class heard that and said: "You're kidding right?" (He's pretty popular among girls, so i guess he was jealous) She replied: "No, i mean it!" I said "Thanks a lot!''

Now, that girl has or had (Dunno, but during the exchange she had) a boyfriend so i knew she didn't want me to be her boyfriend. I liked her in the beginning of the year, i believe she liked me too, but now... Nah. We get along with each other well but we aren't friends or something.

Also, during the exchange there was this french girl i liked and she liked me too. Now that I'm back in my own country I was trying to get contact with her, but alas... Nothing. :aargh:

And when i was in Amiens during the Exchange, two french girls came out of the blue and asked me where I came from etc. etc. We had a nice chat for a while.

This gave me a big boost of confidence in myself. I dare to say more things about what i think and such... I somehow get some people to laugh at my jokes, which never happened in the past...

But, (now the main deal is coming) I'm still not confortable with talking to girls. I really want a girlfriend, and i think my time that i get one isn't far off, the only thing that's stopping me for getting one, is my shyness.

On MSN, i have some pretty nice girls too, and there's this girl I talked to pretty much during the exchange. She's not in my class but we're in the same school and both in the same year of high school. We get along very well and everytime we meet during school we say hi to each other. I want to be friends with her but i'm to shy to talk to her on MSN.

Now, how am I supposed to get rid of my shyness? I'm introvert, but I'm trying to be more extrovert and it's working out for a bit, but if I just could get rid of my shyness it would work out better.

So, how am I supposed to get rid of it?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Just start talking to her. You have to do it sooner or later. Why not now?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

gaming's right . . . just talk to her . . but if you're scared, then what you do is small steps. You've already done one step by saying hi. So next time, say hi and maybe "what's up?" or "how are you?" Keep on doing that till you're comfortable. Then proceed to longer convos, then hanging out with them somewhere etc etc. Hope this helps.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Do it on a day you feel good about yourself. I don't know what it's called, but I have days where I feel like the most sexiest guy on the planet :biggrin:

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Haha, it's easy to just say "go and talk to people" but it's definitely hard to implement when you're actually the person who's shy.

For my personal experience, I was more or less within your same experience, that in being shy and having to deal with it (and not with the part about cute French girls going after me =/ ). Actually the why I ended up dealing with it was that I was getting tired/frustrated with being shy and it reached its breaking point. But it might not be that desperate for you yet.

A little bit of me believes that you see a lot of girls as possible girlfriends, which makes it harder to talk to them. I know you're just looking for one, but since you're talking to them for a purpose, it might seem a little more imposing to talk to a girl since you're probably thinking, if you mess up, than that's it with any chances of her being your girlfriend.

If that's the case, then you have to try and remove that doubt in your head. Just trust in yourself. Sure, it's good to be a little nervous, but don't let it become so deabilitating that you don't even make the effort.

And in the times that I've wanted to talk to someone of special interest online, I find the best way to tackle it was to just jump right in and press enter. Since you've already established some sort of rapport with her, I don't see why talking online would be any different than offline.

But it's all about taking the first step. After that, I think it'll become easier.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I don't know Expert, I think you're pretty much on the right track already. You changed your outer appereance, got some gal pals and you're gradually building up self-confidence - things that aren't so easy when you've been teased (or even bullied?) at school early on.
Give it time. Being an introvert won't get you laid every Saturday night but from what I can tell from your post you're not the kind of guy who's - to dramatize things a little - condemmed to a life of emotional solitude. And do you really want to rush things and become some wannabe-chick-magnet-caricature of yourself?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

There's really no easy way to do it if you're shy. Just try talking to random people daily to get used to it. If you're waiting in line at the bank, try talking to the person next to you about anything. When the teller is handling your transaction try talking to him/her about anything. Little things like this will improve your confidence when it comes to talking to people.

Also, shy people tend to look down when they walk. If you're like that, take it out of your system. Walk like you're in charge (without overly doing it). People can pick up on people that are shy just based on their posture so assuming a more dominant and/or relaxed posture is a good thing to do.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Rollins

A little bit of me believes that you see a lot of girls as possible girlfriends, which makes it harder to talk to them.

Best tip ever! Erase the thought of them being your future wifey/girlfriend and it will come natural. You can then talk to her with ease. You will get hints if she likes you. If she doesn't like you, go for another girl.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

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And do you really want to rush things and become some wannabe-chick-magnet-caricature of yourself?

That's something i DON'T want to become. I want to be a nice guy and not some kind of player.

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Also, shy people tend to look down when they walk. If you're like that, take it out of your system. Walk like you're in charge (without overly doing it). People can pick up on people that are shy just based on their posture so assuming a more dominant and/or relaxed posture is a good thing to do.

Wow... Thanks for that advice. I tend to look down when i walk. I'll throw that outta my system.

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A little bit of me believes that you see a lot of girls as possible girlfriends, which makes it harder to talk to them. I know you're just looking for one, but since you're talking to them for a purpose, it might seem a little more imposing to talk to a girl since you're probably thinking, if you mess up, than that's it with any chances of her being your girlfriend.

You understand me! Exactly! I don't know why I think that way... But it's true. It's true, I'm easy going with guys. I just mess around a bit... And we have fun.

But somehow, I don't do that with girls. To them, I'm just nice... And, that's all. I try to help them out when they have troubles. And sometimes, but less frequently than with guys, I mess around with them a bit. But when it comes to talking to them... Aiaiaiaiaiai... And on MSN it's even worse.

Anyway, thanks for the tips guys! I hope they work. :biggrin:

Jam it back in, in the dark.

If you are shy and introverted, my feeling is you’ll be less likely to run your mouth off and say stupid stuff, but more likely to have awkward silences. However, along the same lines, you probably think about things a lot more before the situation occurs, so can plan ahead in detail: the timing, the opening line, what to say in case of silences etc. Think of it like having to give a 2 minute speech on a topic… it’s hard to do so off the top of your head, but if you’ve had the opportunity to think about it and some preparation it becomes easier to manage. If you’re able to focus on achieving the task at hand, you won’t have time to worry about being self conscious.

I don’t think you can ever completely get rid of shyness… but what you can do is to ‘pretend’ to be an extrovert. Initially, just feign the confidence: act how you would if you did have confidence. Thinking about how you would change is the first step -soon, you’ll have that confidence for real.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Pez

If you are shy and introverted, my feeling is you’ll be less likely to run your mouth off and say stupid stuff, but more likely to have awkward silences. However, along the same lines, you probably think about things a lot more before the situation occurs, so can plan ahead in detail: the timing, the opening line, what to say in case of silences etc. Think of it like having to give a 2 minute speech on a topic… it’s hard to do so off the top of your head, but if you’ve had the opportunity to think about it and some preparation it becomes easier to manage. If you’re able to focus on achieving the task at hand, you won’t have time to worry about being self conscious.

I don’t think you can ever completely get rid of shyness… but what you can do is to ‘pretend’ to be an extrovert. Initially, just feign the confidence: act how you would if you did have confidence. Thinking about how you would change is the first step -soon, you’ll have that confidence for real.

T

Totally true. I think about things a lot before I say them. It sometimes takes a bit courage for me to say what i think. Heh, I think of things sometimes nobody else would think of. I'm think and plan a lot yeah.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I think you should cut down the planning a little bit and not plan so much. What happens if things doesn't go after your plan? You don't exactly have much time to think it over. Do what you think is right and say what you think is right at that time. That way, if she likes you, she likes the person you really are and not some pretender.

Just don't be a jackass or something, be the nice guy =)

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

However, if you end up being the typical "nice guy," it would appear that girls would not pursue you really but see you more as a accomplice or a good friend. That is ideal rather than thinking...oh shoot which girl would I want as a gf or something. Ah yes, just be a nice guy. Girls like them but wouldn't want to date them.

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Well, it really depends on the girl. Some girls like nice guys...

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Quote:

However, if you end up being the typical "nice guy," it would appear that girls would not pursue you really but see you more as a accomplice or a good friend. That is ideal rather than thinking...oh shoot which girl would I want as a gf or something.

I know some relationships emerge from friendships. I dunno if that's going to happen to me, but okay.

But...

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Ah yes, just be a nice guy. Girls like them but wouldn't want to date them.

So, in other words, i should mess around a bit with them? A bit more playful? Hmmm... :eyebrow:

FELIPE NO

Hmm that never happened to me either; girls have a wierd perspective regarding dating guys anyway. Girls seem more willing to date guys who are flirtatious, but of course these guys are more socially inclined. Messing around with them/being playful would imply that you are being flirtatious so I wouldn't recommend it. Try being the "nice guy" then move up when you feel like you got the nice guy thing right.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

What I did to overcome my social fobias was joined my school's drama program. I got to perform on stage, which was and kind of still is a big fear to overcome. This, on top of getting a job where you're constantly dealing with many customers in person helps too, you can't be shy in this kind of setting.

Getting up and saying you're not going to be shy anymore is kind of a wacky way of doing things, you have to ease your way into it if you truely have social phobias. Ease yourself into it, getting a job is probobly the best route, but school performance is still another good path as well.

After all this is said and done, you wont be completely cured, but you'll definitely have an easier time getting to know people and talking to strangers, and even girls you like. This takes time, and I know being shy can be torture. Just keep your head up.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

hey, if you're hot, nice and sexy... just talk to her!!! I'm pretty sure she's more nervous talking to such a hot guy than you are worried about talking to her.

How ya doing, buddy?

I think it's bizarre that you have a harder time talking to her online. It's just the opposite with me, and I'm just about as introverted as an introvert gets ... almost.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Smoodle

I think it's bizarre that you have a harder time talking to her online. It's just the opposite with me, and I'm just about as introverted as an introvert gets ... almost.

Yeah... Well it's more like... taking the first step. Just tackle it and press enter... It's just not my thing. I'd rather talk to a girl in person. Sounds weird, but it's the truth.

On MSN, I have to ''take the lead'' in convo's 9 out of 10 times. That's really annoying since I have to come up with things to talk about. But, that isn't the main deal.

This is the main deal why I dislike talking to a girl on MSN.

2 years ago, there was this girl. We were getting along great. Especially on MSN. I had a webcam I mostly used when I was chatting with her. Then one day, I fell in love with her.

Then things started to happen. In class, I kept looking at her. One day she noticed that. Later that day, I was on MSN. She came online and I thought: Yay, there she is again. To my suprise, our ''last'' convo went different.

<Girl> WTH is wrong with you?!?
<Me> ?
<Girl> You're staring at me!
<Girl> Are you in love with me something?!?
<Me> No
<Girl> Freak *Blocks me*

My first reaction: Okay... Rejected again... V_V *sigh*
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Now, that I was rejected didn't bother me at all. I'm used to that. What bothered me, is that she blocked me for more than HALF A YEAR. She came online in few matters of occations, just to pick on me and block me again. COWARD!

Now, one of her friends is my friends too so I talked with that friend about it. She said she would ask that girl that blocked me for the motives of blocking me.

My friend came back with this aswer: She didn't like the convo's you two had with each other. I was like: WTF is she talking about?!? Cuz, before she blocked me, it was her most of the times that began a convo.

A few months later she unblocked me. I blocked her after she unblocked me. All she did was lieing to me all the time.

One day (way past the day I chose to unblock her for several reasons) she talked to me again. All she had was a question. I was like: Kay... go ahead then. After that question i was like: Kay, is that what you wanted? Bye.
But, she kept talking to me. To me, that convo didn't feel like the convo's we had in the olden days. I haven't spoken to her ever since and I don't feel like doing so.

But her motive... left a scar. I'm afraid that history will repeat. Sounds crazy, I know. Almost everytime I talk to a girl, I think: I hope she doensn't think our convo's are boring...

That's why I don't like talking to a girl on MSN.

BTW, the tips you guys gave me work out great. A little example:

Several classes including mine are holding a signature petition on school to prevent a favorite teacher of us getting fired. A gal in my class had a paper for sigs and I had one too. We decided that I would go around to ask for signatures in a part of the school and she would do a part.

I got the crowded part of the school. first I went to get signatures from my friends and buddies, but soon I ended up saying: Hey you, come here and plz sign for this petition we're holding. I ended up with around 60 Signatures and she ended up with rougly 20 to 30. She was like: Where the hell did you get so many signatures?

So in other words, I'm becoming less shy! :biggrin:

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Why didn't you say yes when she asked you if you were in love with her?

I was speaking idiomatically.

Getting over being shy is very hard. I dealt with extreme mental issue regarding this problem because i thought nobody liked me nobody wanted to date me blah blah blah. ANd i hated my self and my parents and everyone. This was all part of deppression i was suffering also. I mean i wouldnt talk to girls, and the ones i did get with could see i was deppressed and eventually got tired of me, or i would start hating them for not liking me and this caused problems.
Ive gotten over this now though. I mean one thing that has helped me the most, is Exercising, and Eating Healthy, this not only makes u healthy, but also makes your more attractive to women. On top of that ive noticed a boost in confidence that you couldnt possibly get by just trying to will it, its something that just kinda happens. And now i have found i have no problem meeting girls, i mean just the past weekend i met a super hot latina - although we danced and she stared in my eyes all night i dont think it will work out, not much in common there, but anyways the number one thing is Being CONFIDENT in your self. And bottom line do what you want. Stay Active fill your schedule, Like me scince i started Running i love it im thinking of now training for like a 5k or something, im also going to take the salsa lessons that i wanted to take for the longest time and hopefully do some Exhibition Dancing one day. And of course i have my Pursuit of a degree in piano performance, and i want to Learn Chineese and Russian.
And god reading into womens signs this is impossible. Just know this if a woman doesnt show any interest dont waste your time trying to tip her interest, if she wants you she will come around, if you keep trying to go after a girl with no interest in you, it will only end up hurting you. Believe me ive done that plenty of times. Like the girl i met i could tell she was into me on Sat but like i said we dont have much in common she's not into art, Rather i think she is a FREAK (and probably upset i didnt go after her harder that night, and i think she lied when she said she didnt have a boyfriend cause this guy was kinda hovering around her all night) Anyways i called and left message, i will not call her back again till maybe next week and thats it, I have other women too call i wont waste my time on her. and even if i didnt i want her to think that i do. Ya Feel ME!

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by gaming

Well, it really depends on the girl. Some girls like nice guys...

A LOT of girls like nice guys. However, hardly any girls like cowering, unself-confident guys.

FELIPE NO

<Girl> WTH is wrong with you?!?
<Me> ?
<Girl> You're staring at me!
<Girl> Are you in love with me something?!?
<Me> No
<Girl> Freak *Blocks me*

Due to this, do not concern yourself over her. Sounds like she is too self conscious with a desired acknowledgment concerning awareness or such. I mean, that question was really direct and then her response of blocking you was rather immature...perhaps she could have added levity to the response with a "lol" or something...come on now, the PHONE is the more ideal means of communication.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Quote:

Posted by Expertgamer
(way past the day I chose to unblock her for several reasons)

Why in the world did you unblock her? She sounds like a psycho. Sometimes you need to just burn bridges and be done with it.

Part of building up your self-confidence is learning to trust your judgement after the fact. Part of shyness is being afraid of doing something that you'll regret later. It's unlikely that you change that drastically from minute to minute, so if you did something a few weeks back, odds are you'd still consider it to be a good idea now. If not, learn from the mistake and move on; only hindsight is 20/20, and there's plenty of other fish in the sea.

Jam it back in, in the dark.