Telemarketers - How do you deal with them?

My question is very simple. I want to know how other people deal with them, other than the "Do Not Call" list. Do you have any funny things you've done to them? What's something you've said/done that's either stopped or slowed their calling? Also, at what times do they usually annoy you? Isn't there some sort of rule against them not taking no for an answer?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

My mom curses them out. I just do it in a manner that suits me best.

I go along with thier little gig and I wait for a certain line of thiers to pop up and then I hang up in thier face.

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Oh oh oh!

I remember one time I came up with a pretty nice response:

<Tele> Hi, we're doing a survey of consumer products ...blah blah blah...and we require a person over the age of 18 to answer these questions.

<Spatula (who is 21 at the time)> Ummm...I'm not 18 yet, but I'll see if my brother is here>

30 seconds later after some yelling at my "brother"

<Spatula> My brother is here but he's busy having sex with his girlfriend. Can he call you back?

<Tele> Err...ummm......no, thats alright thanks. Bye...(quickly hangs up)

You hear the funniest responses ever.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Well, I remeber one time when I was younger I tried to sell this telemarketer my little brother. He told me I was "Fucked in the head" and hung up. Then probably 4 months ago I got some offer for a free Satellite TV installation and such, and Iwas just like "OMG ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!" and started screaming like a lil school girl who just met a Nelly. If that doesn't work you always have the occasional female caller who sounds hot. So you can start to hit on her ,I tried to get a phone number once but.. it didn't work .

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

foreign languages are always fun, i tried it once with some success.
I must admit actually since i've moved house i don't really get telemarketers, i've had a few but they usually involve switching services in the house which i can't do that cos i'm only renting (or at least that is my excuse).
One time they did manage to con me into getting life insurance, they gave the blurb on it and then just went straight in with wanting my card details, it kinda took me by surprise. i tried to get out with the fact that i had no card on me but she was persistant. In the end i took the policy and as soon as the documents came through i rang up and cancelled it.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Spatula

Oh oh oh!

I remember one time I came up with a pretty nice response:

<Tele> Hi, we're doing a survey of consumer products ...blah blah blah...and we require a person over the age of 18 to answer these questions.

<Spatula (who is 21 at the time)> Ummm...I'm not 18 yet, but I'll see if my brother is here>

30 seconds later after some yelling at my "brother"

<Spatula> My brother is here but he's busy having sex with his girlfriend. Can he call you back?

<Tele> Err...ummm......no, thats alright thanks. Bye...(quickly hangs up)

You hear the funniest responses ever.

Ohh I gotta try that... I hope one calls me today.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I used to love it when my parents would pretend not to be old enough to pick up the call ("I'm babysitting for them") even though it was blatantly obvious they were.

Of course, since we've gotten Caller ID, we never pick up phone numbers that come up as "unavailable", we pretty much screen almost every call that goes through the phone.

Think of it as a necessary precaution.

Can I also add that telemarketers in Japan are notoriously difficult to hang up on? They're so polite that you almost feel like you're doing a bad thing by rejecting their offer. I figure if they did a little bit of that in America, the success rate would go up.

Of course, most of your telemarketers are people who don't want to be doing that job anyway, so it's hard to get motiviated >_>

FELIPE NO

Also a thing I want to try (but I gotta think fast and speak fast like a valley girl)

<tele> Hi how are you doing today (ya know the small talk stuff)

Now they'd expect a "good", "fine", "whatever" response.

But instead you say,

<spatula> Oh I'm so glad you asked! Ya know the people in the world are so inconsiderate today that they don't care about feelings! I'm so glad you asked how I am! I've got this terrible headache, my kids are screaming, someones at my door, my baby is crying of a dirt diaper, my wife wants a divorce, my dog just died, I got a repremand from work today, my nails just broke but I'm a guy and my co-workers are questioning my sexuality...my doctor says I've got cancer....on and on and on until they hang up.

You just gotta be quick at BSing.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I have the Caller ID option and none of the telemarketer calls are listed as "Unavailable". I usually pick up the phone out of curiousity as to who's associated with a weird number. Sometimes people in my fam use calling cards so this 800 comes up.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Usually there is a 2 second lag between us saying "hello" and them answering. If there is that lag we hang up without even saying a word.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I usually stay polite, and just say "please add me to your do not call list." I really feel sorry for these people, and I don't want to make life more unpleasant for them than it already is.
I have been tempted to occasionally strike up just a normal conversation with them, but I have usually been busy when they call.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I generally hang up immediately as opposed to trying to be funny. They're annoying the fuck out of me, but then again they're just doing their jobs as salespeople.

For every time I've been "sold" a product it's generally been because I remember how I couldn't seel shit to anyone when I tried to, and I'm pretending like I was sold out of pity because I remember how bad I used to feel

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Ask them what they're wearing. And of course if they respond seriously, you must reply that "oh that's hot". I am not rude to them, since they are humans and probably wouldn't be working as a telemarketer if they had better options, so I just try to give them a laugh as I tell them that I am not interested.

I haven't had a telephone in a few years, so I haven't gotten any telemarketer calls in a while. I am not saddened by this.

I was speaking idiomatically.

hehe... this one is quite good:

<me> hello
<them> hi, i'm calling from ABC and would like to know if you're interested in our new off--
<me> could you please just hold on a second, i have something boiling on the stove and i just need to turn the heat down. Won't be a second.

I then go off and return to doing whatever the hell I was doing before they interrupted me with their crap, smug in the knowledge that they're wasting their own money waiting for me to return instead of wasting my valuable time. For extra amusement you could just cover up the mouthpiece and stay on the phone waiting to see how long it takes before they hang up, but I imagine it would take a lot of self control to not laugh out loud and ruin the whole charade. In fact, them uttering some profanity against you just before they hang up would make the whole thing worthwhile!

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Also, if I'm by the computer some time and I have a cordless ready, HERE COME'S THE AH-NULD SOUNDBOARD!

"I'm gonna RAM my FIST (sup Rab) into UR STOMACH!"

FELIPE NO

It's quite amusing how they telemarketers who are obviously based in a foreign country (such as India, for example) always say "Hi, my name is <Insert Christian name here>" before anything else.

They sometimes hang up straight away after I ask them who they are, if not then I simply say I'm not interested. Next time I'll be sure to ask them to add my number to the "do not call" list.

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Oh my, makes me feel bad for something I remember happened a couple of years ago. My dad had the radio on and we had gotten so many calls within such a short time. He said: "cover your ears" and after he pressed the "talk" button...WHAM! Full blast music to whoever was listening!

Other than that, we just have to strain politeness with the boring old "I'm sorry she's not here right now" or "I'm sorry we're not interested." My dad's pretty funny though, as he always asks "where are your headquarters?", and "who am I speaking to?", as well as: "how did you get our number?"

You could also just hang up in the middle of what you are saying and make them think it was a lost connection. I do love that dead silence idea to see how they react.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by The Wise Vivi

Usually there is a 2 second lag between us saying "hello" and them answering. If there is that lag we hang up without even saying a word.

Same here. If they do manage to get a word in before I hang up, I just tell them that no-one is at home who can deal with them (I live with my parents, so they tend to always want them - not that I mind!) I don't see the point in being rude to them, as others have pointed out, they're just doing their job!

There's nowhere I can't reach.

My brother and I are hardly home whenever the telemarketers like to call, so I haven't had to speak with any for a few months now. When I lived at home, I would just say that my parents were not available.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by The Wise Vivi

Usually there is a 2 second lag between us saying "hello" and them answering. If there is that lag we hang up without even saying a word.

I do that.

Or if all else fails, say that you're dead or something.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Quote:

I do that.

Or if all else fails, say that you're dead or something.

Heh. I like that one.


Tele: May I speak to Mr. X?

You: No, I'm afraid I'm dead right now. Sorry.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I have on one occasion tried to sell them something. A few weeks ago, my band had just pressed our first CD "Bringing in Your Emergency Card" (In retrospect, naming the album an inside joke was a bad idea) and we were getting ready to start distributing them at our school. Whenever telemarketers would call, we would interrupt them as they began their pitch, and try to sell them our CD.

One guy agreed to buy a copy if we would buy the plan he was offering.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Sir VG

Heh. I like that one.


Tele: May I speak to Mr. X?

You: No, I'm afraid I'm dead right now. Sorry.

Try acting like someone else and then say that, "Oh shit, this person's dead... I'm going through a really hard time now, i'd appreciate if you didn't call for him..."

FELIPE NO

I had a great time with a telemarketer once. They woke me up from a drunken stooper, and I started throwing up half way through the sales pitch. I had a cordless phone, so I clutched the side of the toilet with one hand, and stayed on the line with the other. The best was the fact that the sales woman tried her hardest to stay on the line and sell me on insurance for my gas lines, but she eventually gave up.

*ring* *ring*
"... You just called at the wrong time"
"Hello! I'm [somebody] from Nicor Gas. How are you doing today?"
"I'm really not holding up too good."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but please consider this to brighten up your day."
*mnph* "oh man I really can't" *mnph*
"I can set you up with leak insurance for only-"
*BBBLLLARGGG!!*
"-Um sir? Are you okay?"
"I need hel-" *BBLLLARGG!*

That's the gist of it.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I've only seen, never done anything against the telemarketer. Usually I just say not interested and hang up immediately. But here's some I've seen on tv which I found funny and I've always wanted to try.

Originally Posted by Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up phone]

40 year old virgin

Originally Posted by Trish

Trish: "Are you a telemarketer, James?"
Andy: "Yep."
Trish: "Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the fucking head. Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?"

Jam it back in, in the dark.