[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

Eat the stone slab.

Poke snout into Rancor viscera, looking for goodies.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Check the rest of the room for traps and disarm them before anyone else gets themselves killed.

Check for interesting ammunition on the corpses of the engineers.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Stretch noisily.

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll MY DEVITALIZER!

The slab goes down smooth, soothing the nausea brought out by Crushdick's recent bout of stirge-puking.

Crushdick finds several intriguing objects inside the slow-acting digestive tract of the rancor:

a nearly complete life-size rubber skeleton, missing only the left hand

an oddly luminescent, perfectly spherical gallstone

a latex unicorn mask

red/blue 3D glasses

a fist-sized steel icosahedron, each face labelled with a different internal organ

Rufus quickly checks the rest of the room, hoping to disable any remaining traps before the others trigger them in their greed. He finds three more pressure plates that won't splatter anyone into boulder oatmeal thanks to his caution.

The engineer's guns are jury-rigged nightmares that are probably best left unused, but their ammunition seems to be of reasonably professional make. Altogether Rufus is able to break down 3 ignition rounds, 2 adhesive rounds, and 6 stench rounds for use in his own firearm.

New mutations:

Callahan: Horrible Singing Voice
Thorolfsson: Distressingly Sweaty
Crushdick: Secretly A Duck
Mamara: Red Light, Green Light

I'll write these all up once Shin gives his pixie a name, since I love putting things off and then doing them all at once. It's my jam.

Callahan hears an unpleasant crunching sound as he stretches. He probably shouldn't have put his sweet megaphone between his buff as fuck shoulderblades. No matter. Such weak megaphones are not worthy of him.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Crushdick takes ALL OF THESE THINGS in the Rancor and totally wears the Horse Mask for the foreseeable future.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

"So why not come on down and visit? If you can walk out under your own power, the visit's free. That's the Steak & Bitches guarantee."

"Steak & Bitches is an eatery, bordello, and registered charity. Leave donations in the dumpster out back, knock, then run. Steak & Bitches Guarantee is not extended to the undead, mechanicals, or certain varieties of demon. Ask about Pajama Thursdays and Karaoke Night."

"I'd like to remind our morally upright viewers that all employees of Steak & Bitches are employed of their own free will, except for those employees whose philosophies do not permit free will."

"Steak & Bitches is certified clean by the Board of Public Health, and received the Platinum Star award for excellent hygiene 3 years running. And their wings are fantastic."

"Looks like Melancholy of Perfection has picked up all the spoils they're going to find on these kobolds; now we're just waiting on Murderson's replacement. The pod should be along any second now."

"And there it is, the distinct grinding drone of a Magic Missile Bunker Buster tunneling its way down and... whoops! It nearly caused another casualty right then and there!"

"Crushdick might have seen it coming if not for that ridiculous mask."

"It's much too small for his head. It's disturbing. Grotesque, really."

"Regardless, here's hoping he gets along better with his new squadmate than he does with pilfered headgear."

"Indeed. Exiting the pod is Jill "Jailbait" Jones, with no less than 9 outstanding regional warrants for identity theft, blackmail, and fraud. Jill's going to have some explaining to do if she follows this team to any Xpeditions south of Enver."

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Jill skipped merrily from the pod, her sudden and violent ingress into what was minutes ago a combat zone appearing not to faze her in the slightest. She flitted from member to member of the team, examining each in turn, her grin broadening with each new meeting.

Look Mr Bear, it's a DINOSAUR! You like dinos don't you Mr Bear, they don't hardly break at all when you shake them! And look at the funny tree-man. Hello mister tree man, I'm going to call you Branchy, let's be friends! And there's a vampire lady too! Remember when we went on holiday with the nice vampires and we had so much fun and then naughty Mr Bear opened the curtains and they all burned up in the sunshine? That was so much fun! I hope we have fun with this vampire lady! And look, it's a elf!

What's that Mr Bear?

You don't like elfs?

You think they're mean an sneaky and you want to crush them with your psycho powers?

That's not a very nice Mr Bear...

She rapped her toy on the head with her wand, scattering pixie dust around in the process and causing chunks of kobold to float around the room. Mr Bear apparently placated for the time being, Jill flitted off around the room, looking for an exit.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Not a lot of good options for the team going forward, looks like."

"Sure enough. Northwest is just more rubble; east is a wall of fire and south looks to be an interminably long corridor."

"You say corridor, but for Melancholy of Perfection it's just another chokepoint to get trapped in."

"Bad news all around."

Ugh, kindly ignore my cursor over by the fire there

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Ooh, pretty fire. We like fire don't we Mr Bear, that's why you set fire to that orphanage isn't it?

Like the over-sized moth she vaguely resembled, Jill was naturally drawn towards the flames, looking to identify the source of the conflagration.

Check out the flames, looking for the source and cause without getting too close probably

I was speaking idiomatically.

Crushdick cocks an eyebrow.

Pick up and throw a rock at conspicuous dotted square.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

As the spirit of Murderson leaves her body, Mamara finds herself shedding a tear for the now lost to the ages Tiefling. If only he hadn't been in such a hurry to destroy everything in his path, maybe they could've shared a few more overly awkward moments.

The vampiress is still visibly shaken by her recent experience with possession, and she decides to take a small break to center herself around the current situation.

As she notices the pixie, she finds herself somewhat confused at her presence, and the fact that she is no longer the only female in the group. She finds no insecurity in this fact however, as pixies are usually rather piss poor at anything besides annoying the living shit out of people with their constant pleas for attention. *HEY* *LISTEN* *WATCH OUT*

Grrrr...

Do jack squat.

FELIPE NO

"Hello, puny fairy girl! And puny stuffed bear! You should meet puny elf woman, for you are all very small! Puny elf woman, come say hello to puny fairy girl and puny stuffed bear!"

Sven felt much more comfortable around creatures with the typical four limbs. You always had to be careful of those other folk. Could never be sure what those extra limbs were up to.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

"What is that dotted line?"

"Probably residual transmutation reagent burn-off. At a guess."

"At a guess."

"I took some classes. Lot of free time during the offseason. You should consider it, admission standards are at an all-time low."

"I'm going to ignore that, partly because I'm not sure what it means, and partly because this residue could be very significant to the Xpedition. If transmuters are openly operating this close to the squad, threat levels might be higher than our scouts anticipated."

"This sort of residual energy can also be the result of sloppy DJ interference. We'll have to look at the tapes later, but having the squad identify his tampering could earn DJ High Noon a Fourth Wall violation. That's a hefty fine."

"Not just a fine. Fourth Wall violations have resulted in expulsion from the DJ's Guild and even jail time. Just look at DJ Soul Train."

"While DJ Soul Train did flagrantly violate the Fourth Wall protocols, the larger issue is that she did so by kidnapping an entire squad and welding them to lightning rail tracks. That's manslaughter, and it's not sporting."

"Crushdick's noticed the residue... and he's thrown a rock at it."

"Any effect on the rock?"

"It's turned into a lovely glass pitcher in midair... and shattered. Not sure what that signifies."

"Well, we've got no mineral competitors on-site, so it's probably not a lethal threat."

"Jones is getting awfully close to that wall of fire. What are those silhouettes on the other side? Some kind of big bugs?"

"Fire beetles would make the most sense. Impressively well-trained fire beetles, if they stuck around after boulders started flying."

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Sven is intrigued, and tentatively tosses a couple of seeds from his gardening kit onto the magic square.

How ya doing, buddy?

EWWWW! ICKY BUGS! ICKY FIREY BUGS!

Clearly not a fan of insects, Jill flew back into the room.

SQUISH THEM! SQUISH THEM QUICK!

She swooped down and struggled to lift a fist-sized rock from the heaps on the floor.

BRANCHY! HELP ME SQUISH THE BUGS! SQUISH THEM GOOD!

Frustrated with the rock, Mr Bear's eyes suddenly lit up and a weird, sickly halo of energy played around his head. The rock leapt off the ground and flew through the fire towards the bugs.

Throw rock at bugs

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Callahan's throwing... seeds at it?"

"Wow, they're growing instantly into... cacti?"

"Wouldn't think Lunar Zenith would spend a lot of time on the humble barrel cactus. Better ways to store water in space, I'd imagine."

"I don't think they were cactus seeds, unless Lunar Zenith found a way to add a charming terracotta flowerpot to the cactus genome. And also to have the cactus grow to full size instantaneously in a subterranean environment with no sunlight or water."

"Science marches forward, Lydia."

"Jones is throwing rocks at the fire beetles now, but they don't seem to care."

"Once you've seen one rock, you've seen 'em all, and those beetles saw one hell of a rock just a few minutes ago."

"If Jones is going to get past these mindless domesticated insects, she'll have to do better than bombard them with her eerie psionic nightmare powers."

How ya doing, buddy?

Maybe the fire was an illusion. Jones had seen her fair share of illusions over the years, in a magical community like the pixies, you had no way of telling if the old man you went to bed with would turn out to be a pre-pubescent girl in the morning.

To test the theory, she dragged one of the dead Kobolds over to the fire before tossing it on the pyre with a quick blast of Mr Bear's psycho powers.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Inspired by the flying child, Sven also took one of the dead kobolds, and also threw it. Onto the Square of Transfiguration.

"Ha ha! I'm doing science!"

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

As Rufus watched the rest of the party throw things at magical squares, it occurred to him that while such simple amusements might distract his allies, most of the viewership was probably growing bored and changing the channel.

As the fire beetles blocking their path seem to show no sign of moving, Rufus decides to get creative. Tapping the mysterious technology at his belt, Rufus summons an exact replica of himself - and sends it sprinting through the flames, leaping over the insects' heads, firing several rounds as it goes. That ought to get their attention.

Preapare for fight, ready to fire at surprised beetles

How ya doing, buddy?

"That's a lot of smoke."

"Well, you can't expect miners to be especially clean. Good luck getting the smell of broiling kobold brains out of your jumpsuit, Jill."

"And when you do, remember Sartorial Sanitation, serving hard-working professionals who aren't afraid to get dirty since 2521. If you're a new customer, mention URBX and get 15% off your first year of service."

"Looks like Callahan's engaged in corpse abuse as well, what the fuck is that. ROB WHAT IS THAT."

"The dead kobold has been transformed into a mint-condition Porkwood Springs Portable Krispy Ham, Lydia. A PSPKH."

"Krispy? With a K?"

"Yes, Lydia. Its a fully-cooked dehydrated ham product for pork-lovers on the go, available in Classic Saltlick, Maple Syrup, Beer-Battered, and new Strawberry Fluff. This particular kobold has transformed into the discontinued Nine Hells variety, which was taken off the shelves after consumers were transformed into hate-driven blazing wraiths by the consumption of a massive amount of ultra-hot Macronesian Banshee Pepper."

"Folks, Banshee Peppers are not illegal, but please: use them sparingly, and never feed them to guests or customers without warning."

"The safety risks of Nine Hells PSPKH aside, nearly all unopened packets were returned to the factory and destroyed. That's a collector's item there."

"With a K. Wow. Okay."

"Lydia's got that look in her eye again, folks. My apologies in advance to the families of those interns who don't make it home tonight."

"Never mind me. Thorolfsson's actually doing something productive."

"Is that a Holodude? Haven't seen one of those since I was a teenager. Looks like HoverCam's having a little trouble matching refresh rates; I'm not sure if the Holodude will be visible to those of you at home."

"Well, the fire beetles definitely see it. They're immediately turning to give chase, and — that was a rocket. Someone's fired a rocket at Thorolfsson's holo."

"Sure, the holo doesn't particularly care, but still!"

"Definitely some incoherent, angry shouting there. Melancholy of Perfection has stumbled into something bigger than a couple of bugs. Probably a matter of moments before somebody smarter than a beetle puts 2 and 2 together. Maybe those cacti, they look pretty sharp."

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Hearing the explosion, Jill flitted down the corridor to investigate further. Explosions were always fun.

Move to the far end of the corridor to see what's occurring

Most amazing jew boots

If possible to do so without endangering himself (save from the ever-present threat of massive flavour) Sven retrieves the delicious ham.

"Did somebody order a large ham?!"

There's nowhere I can't reach.

1 Die Roll skullduggery (i think)

Rufus dashes forward and snags Jill by the back of her shirt, dropping her just behind himself as they reach the edge of the room. Motioning for silence, he glances into the room, doing his best to go unnoticed. To this end, he sends his holodude dashing towards the source of the rocket, firing all the way. Nothing like a psychotic man with a gun who happens to be immune to military grade munitions to grab one's attention.

Use stealth to approach the corner of the room without being noticed. Really hope that the rest of the party gets around to catching up

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

2 Dice Rolls He did it

Crushdick dinosighs. Will this elf never learn? Fine, we'll play it by his rules for the next...3.5 seconds.

Walk behind Rufus, slowly. Quietly. Eat all the boulders on the way

Or not.

When behind Rufus, rip hugest dinofart possible.
Gonna assume Skullduggery bonus for both of these. 12+5 = 17....meters? Radius?

Place blame on Rufus.
13+12 = 25. BLAME SUCCESSFULLY SHIFTED?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The aromas reaching Esperansita's nose suggest that this campaign is now at the "nature hike" segment. The cacti and beetles certainly add to the impression. Since her tour group seems to be slowly moving along to follow the trail, Mamara follows along, while firmly gripping her cannon.

Move carefully towards the rest of the crew, staying a safe distance away from dinobutt.

I was speaking idiomatically.