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[Movie] The Twenty Minute Movie: The Way They Really End.
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Ah! Amoeba
"You mean the movies lied?"


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 01:43 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 01:43 AM #1 of 30
The Twenty Minute Movie: The Way They Really End.

Time to get way too anal and realistic about movies that have an otherwise unreal or fantastic premise!



DIE HARD

Terrorists have closed John McClain off in the elevator shaft. In a desperate move, John "Cowboy" McClain undoes the strap on his machine gun and uses it to descend into a seemingly bottomless air duct. All of the sudden, the strap breaks free of the gun! Oh, fuuuuuck. At the speed he is falling, any hope of catching an open duct with his fingers are dashed faster than you can say Die Hard 2: Die Harder. So long, Roy!


KING KONG (REMAKE)

Naomi Watt's body breaks at the neck and spine as DK shakes her about like a stubborn ketchup bottle.

Adrien Brody is trampled by dinosaurs.



HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS

HONEY I KILLED THE KIDS WITH A RELATIVELY GARGANTUAN BROOM!

Jam it back in, in the dark.
Thud.
Michael J. Floppies


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 01:45 AM 5 #2 of 30


Fin.




All I got to say.

There's nowhere I can't reach.
No. Hard Pass.
Salty for Salt's Sake


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 01:55 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 12:55 AM #3 of 30
LORD OF THE RINGS

"One does not simply walk into Mordor."

Frodo goes the fuck home and has a beer.




THE LOVE GURU

"Hey guys. This is Mike Myers. I want to make another movie."

*click*




THE DARK KNIGHT

In the opening scene, the joker pauses to take a hit off some prescription drugs in order to relax his nerves before a big bank heist.

Credits.

How ya doing, buddy?


John Mayer just asked me, personally, through an assistant, to sing backup on his new CD.

value tart
FROM THE FLOOR




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Old Feb 18, 2009, 02:11 AM #4 of 30
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Jim Carrey undergoes mind erasure, and the ensuing brain damage causes him to go back in time to make Liar Liar and forward in time to make 23.

The end.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?
Paco
????


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 02:17 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 12:17 AM #5 of 30
TITANIC

That bitch's heart never actually goes on.

The end.

Most amazing jew boots
Ah! Amoeba
"You mean the movies lied?"


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 02:23 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 02:23 AM #6 of 30
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

Over come with grief at the sight of his murdered koala, Ford hangs himself around the neck from an adjacent fan blade.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
value tart
FROM THE FLOOR




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Old Feb 18, 2009, 02:29 AM 1 #7 of 30
The Nutty Professor

They all fart, someone turns the oven on, and the blow up.

The end.

FELIPE NO
YO PITTSBURGH MIKE HERE
 
no


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 03:09 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 12:09 AM 2 #8 of 30


Wall-E (Andrew Stanton, 2008)

Faced with the reality of what Man has become thanks to Wall-E's enterprising spirit and winsome disposition, the sprightly little robot that won the hearts of millions is hastily compacted with the trash, leaving Mankind to spend its final years adrift in space before finally succumbing to its own excess.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?
Fluffykitten McGrundlepuss
Motherfucking Chocobo


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 05:01 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 11:01 AM #9 of 30
The Matrix

Neo takes the blue pill.

The End.

Jam it back in, in the dark.
Chaotic
Waltz of the Big Dogs


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 05:06 AM 1 #10 of 30
The Lion King

Hakuna Matata. Scar killed Mufasa.

Most amazing jew boots
Fluffykitten McGrundlepuss
Motherfucking Chocobo


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 05:11 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 11:11 AM #11 of 30
The Poseidon Adventure

The helmsman successfully turns the ship into the waves and it doesn't capsize. After the storm dies down they continue on and finish their cruise.

Director's cut

A wave hits the ship broadside, dashing it onto a rogue iceberg, ripping it in two and sinking it instantly. There are no survivors.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.
Jurassic Park Chocolate Raptor
Reactor online.
Sensors online.
Weapons online.
All systems nominal.



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Old Feb 18, 2009, 05:20 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 04:20 AM 1 #12 of 30
Transformers

Bumblebee forgets to let Sam out before transforming to robot mode to fight Barricade.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?
Kolba
-


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 08:39 AM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 02:39 PM 3 #13 of 30
Marty Mcfly gets a full on Oedipus and fucks himself into oblivion.

I was speaking idiomatically.
Wall Feces
Holy Cow! What Happened!


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 01:33 PM #14 of 30
The Island

Lincoln 5 Echo wonders why everything in his futuristic remote colony of very few human survivors is sponsored by corporations such as Aquafina, Xbox, Puma, and Speedo, and figures out the truth without having expository dialogue shoveled down our throats.


The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Kirk knocks on the screen door, sees that nobody answers, and goes back to his friends.


The Host

Gang-du grabs Hyun-Seo's hand, and nothing eventful continues to happen in their lives.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
wvlfpvp
I'm going to write the most erotic, graphic, freakiest friend fiction ever


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 01:52 PM 1 #15 of 30
The Muppet Movie

Frogs don't talk.

FELIPE NO
It was lunchtime at Wagstaff.
Touching butts had been banned by the evil Headmaster Frond.
Suddenly, Tina Belcher appeared in the doorway.
She knew what she had to do.
She touched Jimmy Jr's butt and changed the world.
WolfDemon
Grub Killer


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 03:02 PM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 12:02 PM #16 of 30
The Boondock Saints

Whilst attempting to ambush a group of mobsters, the McManus brothers fall through the ceiling of the hotel room, entangled in the rope that Connor insisted they bring along. The brothers are gunned down and Rocco is killed before he can even use the six bullets in his gun.

Willem Dafoe dies of AIDS.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?
packrat
Mountain Chocobo


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 03:20 PM #17 of 30
The Mummy Series

It turns out that there is no such thing as magic, and reading a page from "The Book of the Dead" in the middle of the night is spooky in a 13-year-old-girls-slumber-party sort of way.

Independence Day

Aliens know basic computer security. The world is fucked.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Crash "Long-Winded Wrong Answer" Landon
Zeio Nut


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 03:41 PM #18 of 30
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Charlie is forcibly ejected from the factory for pestering Mr. Wonka and spirals into a self-destructive depression that forces him to ultimately take his own life three years later. Grampa Joe is indicted on one count of industrial tampering and one count of conspiracy to defraud. He dies three weeks before his parole hearing.

Ocean's Eleven

Upon hearing that his casino is currently being robbed, Terry Benedict, a sensible casino owner, orders that all exits are to be sealed and manned by security guards. Danny Ocean and company have no alternative exit strategy and are buried in the desert two days later.

The Royal Tenenbaums

Royal Tenenbaum takes up tai chi and becomes a much calmer person. Everyone reflects upon his spiritual awakening and finds it within themselves to go on to much fame, fortune and happiness. The dog survives for eight more wonderful years.

There's nowhere I can't reach.
BlindMonk
A ride! Now that's a good idea!


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Old Feb 18, 2009, 10:15 PM Local time: Feb 18, 2009, 10:15 PM #19 of 30
Another: DiCaprio doesn't win the poker round and Winslet commits suicide.

How ya doing, buddy?
yevheniy
Євгеній


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Old Feb 19, 2009, 03:21 AM Local time: Feb 19, 2009, 02:21 AM #20 of 30
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Charlie is forcibly ejected from the factory for pestering Mr. Wonka and spirals into a self-destructive depression that forces him to ultimately take his own life three years later. Grampa Joe is indicted on one count of industrial tampering and one count of conspiracy to defraud. He dies three weeks before his parole hearing.
I remember someone always used to try and convince me that the ending where are flying around the town in the elevator was somehow symbolic of Charlie and his family dieing and going to heaven. And that the whole chocolate factory was just some starving/dieing child's hallucination.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?
wvlfpvp
I'm going to write the most erotic, graphic, freakiest friend fiction ever


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Mar 2006


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Old Feb 19, 2009, 12:19 PM #21 of 30
Taken

Liam Neeson DOESN'T have a specific set of skills & there's no way in hell they're seeing their daughter again.

OR:

Liam Neeson HAS the specific set of skills, and is smart enough to indulge his paranoia, follow his daughter to Europe, and stop her from being kidnapped in the first place.

I was speaking idiomatically.
It was lunchtime at Wagstaff.
Touching butts had been banned by the evil Headmaster Frond.
Suddenly, Tina Belcher appeared in the doorway.
She knew what she had to do.
She touched Jimmy Jr's butt and changed the world.
Misogynyst Gynecologist
In A Way, He Died In Every War


Member 389

Level 49.28

Mar 2006


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Old Feb 19, 2009, 12:26 PM 1 #22 of 30
The Dark Knight

Christopher Nolan is thrown off a bridge by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, hit by a passing commuter train bound for a ferry ride.

Wanted

Mark Millar is thrown off a bridge by Denny O'Neil, hit by a passing commuter train bound for a deep ravine.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Guillermo del Toro is thrown off a bridge by Tim Burton, hit by a passing commuter train bound to kill Sammael during the original movie.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?
WolfDemon
Grub Killer


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Level 27.82

Mar 2006


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Old Feb 19, 2009, 01:10 PM Local time: Feb 19, 2009, 10:10 AM #23 of 30
A Nightmare on Elm Street

After taking the law into their own hands and torching Freddy Krueger in their brand of vigilante justice, the Elm Street parents are arrested for arson and murder in the first degree. Their children go on to live normal lives and there's no reason to make six inferior sequels.

FELIPE NO
Fluffykitten McGrundlepuss
Motherfucking Chocobo


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Old Feb 19, 2009, 06:03 PM Local time: Feb 20, 2009, 12:03 AM #24 of 30


Stolen from b3ta.com

How ya doing, buddy?
Ah! Amoeba
"You mean the movies lied?"


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Old Feb 19, 2009, 08:02 PM Local time: Feb 19, 2009, 08:02 PM #25 of 30
...Parp?

Jam it back in, in the dark.
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Exploding Garrmondo Weiner Interactive Swiss Army Penis > Garrmondo Entertainment > Media Centre > [Movie] The Twenty Minute Movie: The Way They Really End.

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