The One Shot Joke Thread.

Single jokes, riddles and anything similiar for laughs goes here.

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your doctor's bill!!
--------------------------------------------


> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
> Officer: Don't have one?
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
> Officer: Why not?
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
> Officer: Stole it?
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
> Officer: You what?
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
>want to see
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
>officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Th! e
>woman steps out of her vehicle.
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
> stolen this car and murdered the owner.
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
> ! Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> The officer is quite stunned.
> Off! icer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>license
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
>the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too


I'll post more later.

Most amazing jew boots

Here are a few riddles for y'all to ponder over.

1. Here is an interesting set of sentences. Everything is normal about them, yet they have a hidden meaning. Looking closely at them will gain you nothing. Looking at them with a piece of paper partially or totally covering every word will. Okay, so what are the sentences really saying?

2. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?

3. A ball of yarn that is 3 inches in diameter costs 30 cents. By the same pricing system, how much should a ball of yarn 6 inches in diameter cost?

4. What is the only thing in our household whose only purpose is to soil a clean white surface?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'll make a joke in relation to the name of the thread.

Could a one shot joke also be a joke about a bunked free-throw?

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Moon

2. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?

3. A ball of yarn that is 3 inches in diameter costs 30 cents. By the same pricing system, how much should a ball of yarn 6 inches in diameter cost?

2. No, because to be married, you have to be alive.

3. 1 dollar, 20 cents.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Admiral Amara:
For number 4,

1. Find volume of yarn in 3 inch diameter ball (4/3(pi)r^3) = 4.5(pi)
2. Find volume of yarn in 6 inch ball by same forumula = 36(pi)
3. Compare two volumes (36 is 8 times greater than 4.5)
Hence, the barn of yarn with diameter of 6 inches would cost 30 cents x 8 = $2.40

You did get number 2 right, which is good.

Reposting remaining riddles:
1. Here is an interesting set of sentences. Everything is normal about them, yet they have a hidden meaning. Looking closely at them will gain you nothing. Looking at them with a piece of paper partially or totally covering every word will. Okay, so what are the sentences really saying?

4. What is the only thing in our household whose only purpose is to soil a clean white surface?

I was speaking idiomatically.

Oh, damn, I did it by circumfrence, not volume. Whoops. I'll try to do better next time.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

4 = Toilet Paper!
That's nasty!


My favourite Joke from the last time:

"Your momma is so fat that when she got in the elevator, the only floor she could go was down!" LMAO!

FELIPE NO

Atheist dies and goes to heaven, when he gets there St. Peter says, well since you didn't believe you'll have to go to hell. So the atheist goes to hell and everyone is partying and it's like a 24/7 club. He looks over and he sees all these people falling down to hell and they're burning in agonizing pain. Just in flames falling and continuing to burn for eternity. The atheist goes over to Satan and asks "what's up with those people?" and Satan replies " oh that's the christians, they wouldn't have it any other way."

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Joke about a blonde guy.
------------------------
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of
a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one
more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm
going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Fish paste
again! If I get a fish paste sandwich one more time,
I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and
jumped, too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the fish paste and
jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him
again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The
blond's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own
lunch."
______________________________

Birth Control in Liverpool
-----------------------
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

whats the difference between a black jew and a white jew?

Spoiler:

the black jew sits in the back of the oven

tasteless?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Reminds me of a particular 80s book I'll never read again.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

What do you call a cow too close to the ground?
A: Ground Beef

lol I love that one..

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

So there is this guy with speech problems. He goes out shopping for a few things. First he goes into the bakery and asks the the assistant
"Can I have a Bum please?".
the assistant looks at him and says "Dont you mean Bun",
The man replies "Yeah thats what I said", and he takes the bun and goes to the sweet shop.
In the sweetshop he asks the assistant
"Can I have a Lickit please?"
The assistant assumes he means a Liquorice stick and asks
"Don't you mean a Liquorice stick?"
The man repies, "Yeah thats what I said"
He takes his Liquorice and goes to the Clock shop. In the Clock shop he asks the assistant,
"Can I have a Cock please?"
The assistant looks at him in disgust and says
"I believe you mean a Clock sir"
The man replies "Thats what I said you moron". He takes his clock and walks out of the shop.
On his way home, an elderly woman asks him for the time and he replies
"Hold my Bum and Lickit, while I get my Cock out"

:biggrin: I believe he got a slap after that lol

I was speaking idiomatically.

What happened to the wooden car with the wooden engine?

Spoiler:

It 'wooden' run!

Why did the golfer have on two pairs of socks?

Spoiler:

He had a hole in one!

Brian teasers:

How much cubic feet is there in a rectangular hole that is 2x3x4?

Spoiler:

There is no dirt in a hole!

Johny picked 5 apples. He at all but 3. How many were left?

Spoiler:

3

Here is a good trick to play on a group of people.

Start by telling this story...

One day, a young female teacher led a group of mentally handicaped people (back then they called them 'retarded') to a zoo for a field trip.
They came to the first exhibit and saw a couple of animals that looked similar to humans but were swinging on trees. The teacher said, "What animal is this?" the students said, "It's a monkey!!!." The teacher said, "Yay for the retarded children!"
They went outside to see more animals. They came to a large animal enclosed to a large pin. The animal was huge and gray with big ears. The teacher said, "What animal is this?" the students said, "It's an elephant!!!." The teacher said, "Yay for the retarded children!"
They went further on and saw an animal with a very long neck. It ate at the tops of trees where no other animal could. The teacher said, "What animal is this?" the students said, "It's a.........."

Here you stop and act confused like you just forgot which animal it was. Suddenly, someone from the crowd will say, "It's a giraffe!" This is when you fall back in and say, "Yay for the retarded children!"

Joseph

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Here's a really corny one.

What did the tree say to the math teacher?

"Gee I'm a tree." (geometry)

Now on the other hand, I have five fingers.

FELIPE NO

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

Spoiler:

Prostitutes can wash their crack and sell it again.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Moon

1. Here is an interesting set of sentences. Everything is normal about them, yet they have a hidden meaning. Looking closely at them will gain you nothing. Looking at them with a piece of paper partially or totally covering every word will. Okay, so what are the sentences really saying?

They're saying there's no point to them.

Quote:

Looking at them with a piece of paper partially or totally covering every word will [gain you nothing].

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Helloween:
Nope. There is something rather interesting about them besides the fact they don't make sense.

Spoiler:

Hint: try putting each sentence on a new line.

Reiterating 4:
4. What is the only thing in our household whose only purpose is to soil a clean white surface?

And no, the answer is not toilet paper.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Spoiler:

Hello

Oh i so got it before anyone else. Although this victory feels empty cause i took the hint.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

You could add a sense of yayness to the victory by answering number 4.

Also, here's a few more while I'm at it.
5. A helicopter hovers a few feet above a house with a triangluar roof. A chicken egg is dropped right on the very center of the roof. Will it roll down the left or the right side?

6. Consider a record spinning on a record player. Take two points on the record, one close to the center and one on the edge of the record. Notice that the point on the edge is travelling a larger distance in the same amount of time than the one in the center, so it's speed is greater. Yet the velocity of the disc is the same regardless of what two points you pick on the disc. How is this so?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

this is one from another forum, i couldn't resist!

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Moon

You could add a sense of yayness to the victory by answering number 4.

is it a

Spoiler:

pen

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Helloween:
A WINNER IS YOU!

How ya doing, buddy?

Proud to be an American.

Two families moved from Saudi Arabia to the USA.

When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever
family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud. How about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck You, towel head."

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Moon

Also, here's a few more while I'm at it.
5. A helicopter hovers a few feet above a house with a triangluar roof. A chicken egg is dropped right on the very center of the roof. Will it roll down the left or the right side?

Umm, It didnt roll down either side because the egg broke?

Jam it back in, in the dark.