[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

The dwarf winced in sympathy as the human retched, indicating the barrels in the corner with his hammer.

"Ale. You'll, uh... you'll need to rehydrate, lad."

He eased himself down the wall into a sitting position, letting the hammer ease across his knees. He groaned as he felt the toxins coursing through his system. He needed somewhere to rest, somewhere where he could take the team to heal himself, and hopefully the human, of this fever.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

A search of the remaining intact crates in the rat room reveals a broad brass crown, inlaid with a small emerald.

Also, 250 GP, but that doesn't lend itself to self-indulgent prose

Most amazing jew boots

"For a fair warning, there is definitely plenty of reason that we should keep moving. And if I were any of you, I would keep myself from going that way," I said, pointing in the direction I left the yellow mass of ooze.

Move through to room with crates. Investigate area.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Argumentus pockets 50 gp and adorns himself with the crown

I lord fancypants now I leads you 'cuz I'm king.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The dwarf saw the barbarian pocket the gold and stood up to join him. He pocketed 50 gp himself and then glanced up at the man with a smirk.

"I like your hat."

He then followed the rogue into the next room.

"And what, exactly, is it keeping us moving in this direction, then?"

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

"Well, it's much larger than you, or you and I, or you and I and the rest of us together, I'd wager. That's about all I know.

Pockets 70 gold.

I was speaking idiomatically.

"Well then, I suggest we go catch some rest and then hit it until it's smaller than you and I put together, hm?"

He grinned and began looking around the new room, taking in his surroundings.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

With the rats vanquished, I surveyed the carnage in front of me. There were bits of rat everywhere, the beasts had fought and died in an equally impressive fashion. My cloak was tattered at the end where one of the creatures had snapped at me and I had lost a fair few sequins as a result. I swore at that moment to find whoever had put me in this dungeon and make them pay for a new cloak, no matter what obstacles stood in my path.

The horde were acting more like traditional zombies for now, shambling around and groaning mindlessly. The big human had found a crown of some description which he placed on his head. Maybe this one had been royalty of some description in life? He certainly looked inbred enough. The shifty human and the ugly dwarf were stuffing gold pieces from the box into their pockets, to what end I could not fathom. The chances of finding an even semi-passable boutique in a place like this struck me as unlikely at best. Still, not wishing to alienate my companions, I shuffled over to the crate, uttering a low moan and gathered up the remaining coins.

The zombies seemed content for now to just sit around mumbling. At this rate I thought, we'd never be free of this place. We had after all been here no more than a quarter of an hour and already my minions wanted to rest. I decided the time was right for a motivational speech. Drawing on my years of experience working as a departmental supervisor at Golde Piece Lande - Everything in ye store available for just ye one golde piece I addressed my minions.

"Ok everyone, now gather round, gather round. You, with the crown, stop licking at the walls like that and pay attention.

First of all, I feel I ought to congratulate you all on a successful battle. That was some sterling hammer work by the camp fellow, once he got into his rythm of course and I think we can all learn a lesson from his efforts. Even though you might be a bit rubbish at something at first, with a little practice you might eventually be able to hit a massive rat that's standing directly in front of you.

I'd also like to commend your stunted companion, not only for his axe work but for the motivational groaning which seemed to really inspire the rest of you. Jolly good work that dwarf.

Again, Mr Crown over here provided some useful squishing support but I'm sure you'll all join me primarily in thanking him for his invaluable getting attacked and drawing attention away from the rest of us abilities. A round of applause for the big fellow!"

I clapped enthusiastically but the horde seemed reticent to join in. Obviously they were not yet fully motivated and required some stick to go with their carrot.

"Now I 'm sure we're all aware that not everyone was perhaps pulling their weight there. In the earlier stages of the conflict, when teamwork is most crucial to get a good start, one of our number was conspicuous by his absence. I know we can't all choose when we need to relieve ourselves but in future, if anyone is going to go for a toilet break it would be helpful if they could let the rest of us know so we don't go starting any fights without you.

Now, are there any questions?".

There didn't seem to be any questions forthcoming and all this talk of toilet breaks made me realise that I rather needed to go myself. Assuming that the shifty fellow must have found some form of latrine in the southern room, I wandered over to the doorway. Remembering that I had shot one of the goblins with an arrow and not sure when I'd have the opportunity to re-supply, I looked for the skewered corpse so as to retrieve it before popping through the door on the other side of this room to find a toilet.

FELIPE NO

He rolled his eyes as the elven lady began talking again. Running a finger across the edge of his hammer as he considered the drawbacks inherent to just breaking a knee. Nothing fatal, just a joint or two. Surely his god would look the other way in understanding. After all, she was an elf.

The talk went on for a long bloody time, and then he heard a door creak open. Initially he wasn't worried. Probably just the slow human playing with the kegs. Or the elf woman opening the south door like an utter slag. The south door where the thief had just said there was some giant... thing lying in wait.

It wasn't so much the concept of the elf getting eaten, or smashed, or crumpled by whatever was out there. It wasn't that. No. It was a matter of his fellow followers of Kord never letting him hear the end of it if this elf found valor in battle while he stayed behind and talked shop with a human thief.

He sprinted, as much as a dwarf in heavy armour could, back into the room, hoping to at least be within near reach of the middle of the room by the time the elf maiden was murdered horribly.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Argumentus brazenly picks his nose

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Before even having the chance to glance the room over completely, the rascal man-lady (I was wary enough to detect the male gender, but not the reason for such femininity) was heading back the way I had just warned the dwarf to not go. Unfortunately, not everybody had heard me. The dwarf, with his fetish for hitting things with blunt objects in order to compensate for some other deviation in his persona scuttled along after him.

I managed to catch up with them before they encountered whatever it was that attacked me, and tried to warn them one last time...

"Trust me brothers, you don't want to go that way. Not only is it a dead end, it's not friendly."

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The shifty man ran after me, wildly gesticulating and shouting about not going into the other room. "Look fellow" I told him, "I lived with a vegetarian for six years, I'm sure whatever you left in the bowl can't be any worse than the horrors I experienced then, now leave me be, I believe I may be touching cloth".

With that I hurried into the southern room.

I made it as far as the door on the western wall and was about to open it, bracing myself for whatever foul ordure the rogue may have passed into the facilities when a wet schlepping sound from behind me caught my attention. Turning slowly I saw a huge gelatinous blob on the other side of the room, oozing around leaving a trail of slime behind it. What in the world had the rogue been eating? Still, the ooze seemed fairly benign for now so I passed through the door behind me and quickly found something to prop against it. That ugly dwarf had a funny look in his eye and whilst my tastes were far from mundane when it came to the art of love, cottaging with a recently deceased and very ugly dwarf was not high on my list of priorities today. The door safely wedged shut, I squatted over the convenient trapdoor in the corner of the room, hitched up my robes and gave birth to a chocolate Kobold.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

As the wizard sprints past it, the jelly finishes its meal of goblin and briefly trundles toward the western door in curiosity before noticing two more abandoned corpses in the next room. Squeezing through the doorway, the ooze gets started on lunch.

I certainly hope no one intends on retrieving the gems from the hatch now.



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The dwarf immediately pulled up as he saw the giant blob moving through the door. On the plus side, it didn't look like it was coming after any one of them with any real sense of speed, but on the other hand, it didn't seem likely that giant jell-o pudding cups (not invented yet) were not likely to be overly damaged by a hammer. He quickly slid his warhammer behind his shield and drew a throwing hammer with his right hand, backing up a couple steps as he muttered under his breath.

"Thrice damned elves. More troublesome than children."

He wasn't about to start attacking the blob until it got aggressive, so for now he was happy to backpeddle a few steps and look slightly worried.

I was speaking idiomatically.

As my first, satisfying log dropped into the hatch, I heard a clinking noise. Looking down, it seemed as though some poor fool had mistaken this latrine for a wishing well of sorts and cast some gems into the pit. Oh well, I thought, they can stay where they are for now.

It was a shame there was nothing to read in there.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

As the rat-battle came to a finish, Motsognir had once again become enveloped in his ever-present struggle to present himself as a natural leader, and had spent the last several minutes in a rather strange vein of the shallowest kind of deep thought. It was then, quite a surprise when a giant, amorphous blob slunk it's way into the hall and began dining on Goblin remains. Self-pride at least temporarily overrun by self-preservation, Motsognir proceeded to get the fuck outta there.

Move to north room

FELIPE NO

Seeing the small dwarf flee away from what I had already once before, I didn't feel so bad. The ignorance of the elf wasn't granting me any guilt either. I knew the other dwarf would probably try and kill everything that moved from hereonout, so I proceeded to also get the bloody hell out of there.

Move to north room. Examine furthest doorway.

Are we ever gonna get that room description? Don't wanna miss anything.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Argumentus stretches out his mighty arms and lays him down for nap time on the remnants of a giant rat's nest, ignorant of the oozing monstrosity in the other room

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Argumentus falls swiftly into a deep and untroubled sleep.

Fescue manages to escape the range of the jelly's perception without drawing its notice, and examines the northeastern door:

Unlike all the doors so far encountered in this place, this one is built of solid iron and is securely locked. An arrow slit lies open down the center of the door, and through it you can see an empty corridor, about 35' long. On the opposite end there's another door of identical construction, and the flickering of candlelight is visible through the far slit.

The jelly shuffles forward onto the last of the corpses.

I did give a description of the room at the start of the rat fight. It's just a bunch of ruined crates and barrels mostly

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I am a thief, after all. Open Sesame!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Feeling much better (And about a stone lighter) after a satisfying dump, I looked around for something to wipe up with and grabbing a bit of sackcloth, cleaned myself up. Getting up and straightening my robe, I threw open the door back to join the others.

To my horror, I saw that the slime had oozed over to the dead goblins and was now filling the doorway. Quite how the shifty human had passed this through his system I would never know but pass through him it had and now it was apparently hungry. I could see no way past the blob and rather than stand around waiting for it to move, I gathered my will, girded my loins and readied myself for combat!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

After a handful of failed attempts, Fescue eventually picks the lock. The door swings open, and as the thief peers into the corridor the arrow slit in the far door fills with shadow. A split-second later, a bolt flies over his head.

A guttural voice calls out: "That was a warning, boyo. Why don't ye head on back wherever ye came from, before I make a new quiver out of yer hide?"

Meanwhile, Scary Bob provokes a biological terror four times his size in a fit of misplaced bravado, meaning it's KOMBAT TIME.

Initiative: Scary Bob, Fescue, Motsognir, Gabriel, Jelly (Argumentus is asleep: waking someone up is a standard action.)



I was speaking idiomatically.

"Aye, mate! But might I ask what impulses you to put an arrow into my brain?"

Attempt to converse with mystery person for information.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I surveyed the blob with a cool, critical eye. Sure it was big but it was just a blob of slime, how dangerous could it possibly be?

It was then I noticed the dissolved remains of the dead goblins. I had been in the toilet for no more than five minutes and this, this thing had reduced them to a mere puddle of fluid. I looked around, hoping to find some way to avoid this confrontation but could see none. It seemed as though the drafting of another violent chapter in The Lay of Bob was an inevitability and I prayed it would not prove to be the epilogue.

I called out to the horde to come to my aid but with the exception of the camp dwarf, they were all too far away to be of immediate assistance. Crouching low in the Angry Cockatrice stance, I circled my foe, thinking that the cooking pot might at least slow the inevitable charge of the beast. This was a live or die situation and only the most powerful of my magiks could save me now. Hoping that his was a particularly alkaline slime beast rather than an acidic one, I swung forward my staff and unleashed a ball of corrosive filth from the tip of it, streaking towards the vile slime-creature.

Move 4 spaces east, cast Acid Arrow at the slime

FELIPE NO

The caustic arrow sinks deeply into the blob's translucent form, but the acid seems to do little harm.

11 damage

The stranger responds to Fescue:

"Och, no. We're not going to discuss this. Every week there's some new jackanape trying to get past the door. I shoot at them, and they beg me to let them in. And I say 'Well, why do you need to get in for?', an' they always give me some line about they're hungry or they're tired, the usual sob stories. And ol' Jakob takes pity on them, an' what happens? They've got a dozen goblins up their arse, or skeletons in their sleeping bags, or some other such rubbish. Every time. And then who has to clean up the mess? Aye, old Jakob. Well, not this time! You just head back the way you came, and take whatever trouble you brought with ya!"

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?