The One Shot Joke Thread.

TECHNICIAN - Technical support, how may I help you?
CALLER - Yes, hi I have a problem with my computer.
T - Ok what is it?
C - Well I can't see anything on the screen.
T - Well, is it on?
C - I don't know... How do I turn it on?
T - There should be a power button somewhere on it.
C - No... it doesn't do anything.
T - Well then, is it plugged into your computer?
C - How do I check that?
T - Look behind your monitor, there should be a cable that runs from the monitor to the computer.
C - Well, it's kinda hard to tell when it's dark like this.
T - Then turn on the lights to see better.
C - I can't, do that.
T - Why not?
C - Because there's a power outage.
T - I see. Power outage. Great. Ok, then I'll tell you what you should do. Wait for the lights to come back on, then pack everything up that came with your computer and bring it back to the store.
C - Really? Is it that big of a problem?
T - Yes it is.
C - What should I tell the people at the store?
T - Tell them your too fucking stupid to own a computer.

What makes it funny is that I took that from an actual transcript of a technical support phone call. The technician got fired for it. I think he should have been promoted.

FELIPE NO

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks 'Why the long face?" The horse says " I have Aids".

What's got ten legs and makes women scream?

Gang Rape.

What's pink and smells of holly?

Ian Huntleys cock.

What's red and rapes children?

Me, in my luck red coat.

What's brown and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

Rambo.

What's got eight legs and one big, black arsehole?

The A-Team.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

What's better than getting a silver medal in the special olympics?

Not being a retard.

What's the best part of fucking a 3 year old?

Hearing the pelvis snap.

What word beginning with n and ending with r would you not like to call a balck man?

Neighbour.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> why do you kick me
<bitchchecker> can't you discus normally
<bitchchecker> answer!
<Elch> we didn't kick you
<Elch> you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
<bitchchecker> what ping man
<bitchchecker> the timing of my pc is right
<bitchchecker> i even have dst
<bitchchecker> you banned me
<bitchchecker> amit it you son of a bitch
<HopperHunter> LOL
<HopperHunter> shit you're stupid, DST^^
<bitchchecker> shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
<bitchchecker> for two weaks already
<bitchchecker> when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
<Elch> You're a real computer expert
<bitchchecker> shut up i hack you
<Elch> ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
<bitchchecker> tell me your network number man then you're dead
<Elch> Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
<Elch> or maybe 127.0.0.1
<Elch> yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
<bitchchecker> in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
<Elch> Now I'm frightened
<bitchchecker> shut up you'll be gone
<bitchchecker> i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
<bitchchecker> say goodbye
<Elch> to whom?
<bitchchecker> to you man
<bitchchecker> buy buy
<Elch> I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP address in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure.

I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
<Metanot> lol
<Elch> bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
<bitchchecker> you're so stupid man
<bitchchecker> say buy buy
<Metanot> ah, [Please control your cussing] off
<bitchchecker> buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

There was a tension in the room... Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve...

Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> elch you son of a bitch
<Metanot> bitchchecker how old are you?
<Elch> What's up bitchchecker?
<bitchchecker> you have a frie wal
<bitchchecker> fire wall
<Elch> maybe, i don't know
<bitchchecker> i'm 26
<Metanot> such behaviour with 26?
<Elch> how did you find out that I have a firewall?
<Metanot> tststs this is not very nice missy
<bitchchecker> because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
<bitchchecker> be a man turn that shit off
<Elch> cool, didn't know this was possible.
<bitchchecker> thn my virus destroys your pc man
<Metanot> are you hacking yourselves?
<Elch> yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
<Metanot> he bitchchecker if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
<bitchchecker> yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
<Metanot> what firewall do you have?
<bitchchecker> like a girl
<Metanot> firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
<He> Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
<bitchchecker> turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
<Elch> Noo
<Metanot> he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
<bitchchecker> you're afraid
<bitchchecker> i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
<bitchchecker> elch turn off your shit wall!
<Metanot> i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
<bitchchecker> shut up
<Metanot> lol
<bitchchecker> my grandma surfs with fire wall
<bitchchecker> and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall

He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn't let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don't have a firewall at all, only my router.
<Elch> bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
<Metanot> bitchhacker can't hack
<Black<TdV>> nice play on words ^^
<bitchchecker> wort man
<Elch> bitchchecker: I'm still waiting for your attack!
<Metanot> how many times again he is no hacker
<bitchchecker> man do you want a virus
<bitchchecker> tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
<Metanot> lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
<Elch> 127.0.0.1
<Elch> it's easy
<bitchchecker> lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
<bitchchecker> and are the first files being deleted
<Elch> mom...
<Elch> i'll take a look

In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?
<bitchchecker> don't need to rescue you can't son of a bitch
<Elch> that's bad
<bitchchecker> elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
<Elch> yes, there's nothing i can do about it
<bitchchecker> and in 20 seconds f: is gone

Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn't matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. bitchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.
<bitchchecker> tupac rules
<bitchchecker> elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too

Drive E: ? Oh my god... All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted....

Or isn't it happening on my computer?
<bitchchecker> and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
<He> why doesn't meta say anything
<Elch> he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
<Black<TdV>> ^^
<bitchchecker> your d: is gone
<He> go on BITCH

The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! Bitchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I'll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.
<bitchchecker> elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
<bitchchecker> i'm already at c: 30 percent

Should I tell him he's not attacking my computer?
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

Too late... It's 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias "bitchchecker". We see that he has a "Ping timeout".

We haven't seen him since then... must be the Daylight Saving Time.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I was so dumbfounded I couldn't laugh.. -_- Was a good read... Sounds like a 12-year old is hard at work here.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Excellent drama!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Divest

I was disappointed when I find out what a chav was. It's basically just a poor person? That doesn't make it funny at all because it could be anybody. If it were a racist joke, however...

Try ChavScum - Welcome for a better idea.

Two chavs in a car and there's no music on, who's driving?

The police.


Also, you guys should check out Sick Joke Wiki - Sickipedia, best collection of off-colour jokes anywhere.

Most amazing jew boots

On death row

There's a blonde,a red head and a brunette all on death row
they are all out in the desert about to be executed
first up is the brunette the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the brunette yells out "Tornado!!" everybody turns around to see the tonado and the brunette runs away
next up is the red head the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the red head yells out "Flood!!" everybody turns around to see the Flood and the red head runs away
next up is the blonde the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the red head yells out "Fire!!"............

I was speaking idiomatically.

let share with you some humour about MEN...and WOMEN
Men and his irony :
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women :
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes
and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to
wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old
rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to
compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Note: It might be funnier if you're married...

INSTALLING A HUSBAND ...
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

How ya doing, buddy?

Oh men!

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Another Marriage One:

A man, sick and tired of work everyday, asked God to switch bodies with his wife.

The next morning, he woke up as a woman… cooked, fed the family, drove to school, washed and ironed, went out for groceries, balanced the checkbook, vacuumed, dusted and swept, cooked dinner… after supper cleaned the kitchen. At night made love to the husband.

The next morning, he admitted his mistake to God and prayed for a trade back. God said, “O.K. But you’ll have to wait for nine months. You got pregnant last night!”

Jam it back in, in the dark.

What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with a Collie?


......................................









A dog that rips your arm off and then runs for help.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

man, you tell good story about bitchhacker marina, he/she was epic phail. =) my heart was beating so fast, it was exciting story xD

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Here's one of my favorites...

When you roll a die, the chances of rolling a three are one in six. The chances of rolling a three twice in a row are one in 36, and the chances of rolling a die three times in a row are a jaw-dropping one in 216.

Assuming that you roll a die three times and get a three each time, your chances of rolling a three on your next throw are one in how many?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I'd say the chances of rolling a three on my next roll are still a mere one in six. The odds of getting a three don't escalate just because you rolled one previously.

I was speaking idiomatically.

What's worse than islamic extremism?

Chinese Democracy.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

There was an Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman sitting together at a pub with a friend.
The friend turned to the Englishman and said:"So, George, why are you called 'George'?"
George replied:"Because my parents are patriotic and I was born on St George's day, the patron saint of England."
"Ah right, that makes sense"., said the friend.
Then he turned to the Scotsman and said:"So, Andrew, why did your parents call you that?"
Andrew replied:"Because my parents are patriotic and I was born on St Andrew's day".
"Ah yes, very good.", the friend exclaimed.
Turning to the Welshman he asked,"So, David, why are you called 'David'?"
David said:"Well, my parents are patriotic also and I was born on St David's day."
The friend nodded sagely.
Turning to the Irishman he said:"So, Pancake...."

FELIPE NO

Kelowna, B.C. crook needs lessons in subterfuge and footwear

How ya doing, buddy?

the egg broke

Additional Spam:
things you might not know....

Ma ny years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Additional Spam:
more things....
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Additional Spam:
more....
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

Spoiler:

One needs tweetment, the other needs oinkment.

Most amazing jew boots

You're in your truck, and you see a black man riding a bike.
Why don't you run him over?:
It's probably your bike.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Here's a riddle:

A man and a woman are speeding down the road when their car breaks down. The man gets out and says: "Ok, honey, I'm going for help. Stay here, lock the doors, don't let anyone in." So the wife takes her husbands advice and he leaves to get help.

About 10 minutes later, the husband comes back with a police officer.

His wife is dead.

There's a stranger in the car.

There has literally been NOBODY or NOTHING that entered or exited the car.

Where were they going, how did she die, who was the stranger, and how did he/she get into the vehicle?

There are hints all throughout the riddle.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

They were going to the hospital, the woman died in childbirth, the stranger was their child, and the child got into the vehicle after exiting the woman's womb.

I was speaking idiomatically.

WELL that was certainly fast, coeccias. That's the only good riddle I know.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?