[DnD] URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana

"Looks like Jones is jumping right in. Good to see the team will still have a designated trapspringer without Murderson around."

"Callahan's taking the PSPKH. I don't know if that'll earn him points with Porkwood Springs; the whole fiasco was a real embarrassment to them."

"Thorolfsson's just flung Jones over his shoulder! Looks like he wants a shot at being the glory hog."

"Hope it works out for him. There's not usually a lot of good that comes out of pissing off pixies."

"Well, he's also fey, so maybe she can't curse him? Is that how it works?"

"How would I know?"

"Well, I mean, you're, you know, of that persuasion, that is, err—"

"Like 1/8th, Korgar. Round ears are just a recessive trait."

"So you've never been?"

"Been where?"

"To the, uh, Forest Primeval, you know? Queen Titania, mischievous satyrs, centaurs, all that stuff."

"Sylvania is literally just 300 miles from here. It's not some kind of mythical... the old days of the blood tests are ancient history. You should go! Treants have the best stories."

"Back to the Xpedition! Everybody's making faces at Thorolfsson for some reason, maybe because he's sweating like a pig. But what has he found? Bunch of odd little sand pits. Is this some kind of cactus farm? Looks like there were three fire beetles a little while ago. That rogue boulder was a lucky break!"

"At least two reptilians present, trying to keep the beetles from wasting more time on the hologram... but those robots aren't so smart."

"Smart or not, that's some fancy hardware. That's either military or pre-Mistake."

"I'll tell you this much, there's nothing that looks like that in this year's Djinn's Recognition Guide".

"True enough. I don't see the military application of a subterranean cactus farm either. Judging by the stone idol I'd guess this is some kind of cult thing."

"Lava god? Fire god?"

"Why the cactuses? This is gonna bug me."

What with the constant rocket fire thanks to robots being easily fooled, you haven't been heard. However, horrific dino odors are doomed to ruin your stealth. Because I'm lazy tonight you have two posts before the smell wafts southward and hell breaks loose.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Ooooooh, stinky mr dino!

Jill flew into the room, taking cover behind the nearest cactus as much to get away from the prehistoric gas as to shelter from the impending violence. The shock of the chemical assault was almost enough to make her forget the grave insult the elf had just handed her.

Almost...

FELIPE NO

Sven admires his gigantic ham and puts it into his bag.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

9 Dice Rolls Beetles init

"I guess Jones trusts those cactuses more than I do."

"Cacti."

"Nobody's impressed by your English degree, Lydia. Who cares about dead languages?"

"If it's used academically it's not dead!"

"Irregardless, Jones has a much better grasp on the situation now. I'm seeing three reptilians, not two, and some kind of greenish simian fellow way down there by the statue."

"Ah, the Gren! Odd to see them this far from their camps."

"The Gren? More like the Green. Am I right? Am I right? Up top. Anybody?"

"You joke, but the Gren contempt for the trappings of civilization does, in fact, extend to competent spelling. It is entirely possible that 'Gren' is simply the Grennish word for 'Green'. Because the Gren are idiots."

"However you spell it, looks like he's noticed Jones. She'd better move fast, he's already drawing a bead with... is that a bow? Seriously. A bow."

"Idiots!"

"Death to the corruption of the Old Ones!"

"Surtr will cleanse this world with his flames!"

"COMBAT_TAUNTS.BAT NOT FOUND"

Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Dragonborn Cultists 13, Crushdick 13, Rocketbots 11, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 2 ->

Lol @ worst initiative in the party going first & Diss forming an Epic Legend of Slowpokes

Cactuses provide minor (-2) cover. Don't end your turn on a lava square, just some friendly advice.

Beetles HP 32, AC 13, Fort 13, Ref 12, Will 11
Cultists HP 38, AC 16, Fort 13, Ref 14, Will 14
Gren HP 51, AC 19, Fort 17, Ref 18, Will 17
Rocketbots HP 36, AC 17, Fort 15, Ref 17, Will 14

Jam it back in, in the dark.

1 Dice Roll *Game ends in...

Look Mr Bear, a party! We like party games don't we Mr Bear? Let's play pass the parcel!

Jill flew across the room, finding another helpful spot of dubious cover. Pausing for a moment, she flourished her wand, causing a mis-shapen lump of something wrapped in brightly coloured paper to appear in her other hand. With a shower of sparkly dust, she tossed the object towards the nearest beetle, her uncanny ability to communicate with lesser beasts conveying her intentions loud and clear to the firebug.

Move to AB25, toss Hot Potato to beetle B

You're it Mr Beetle

There's nowhere I can't reach.

2 Dice Rolls *taste the meat, not the heat

"Why is Jones carrying around a big bundle of sweaty dynamite?"

"The sheer number of open flames we've seen in just the last few minutes makes that an obvious bad idea. Still, if—"

"Wow, that beetle's got quite a kick."

"Literally! Eh? Eh?"

"Well, also figuratively. In the sense that being engulfed in flames is a kick. Actually that's not much of a kick. I would not enjoy that."

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it."

"The cactus is apparently fireproof. What are these cactuseseseseseses."

Beetle B kicks the bomb to Rufus
Both beetles move to just outside the blast radius
Beetle A burns Jill for 10 fire damage

Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Dragonborn Cultists 13, PROJECTED DETONATION, Crushdick 13, Rocketbots 11, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 2, Jones 18, Beetles 17

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

3 Dice Rolls damage

Rufus catches the dangerous looking little object, and decides he'd rather not be holding it when it inevitably explodes. It would seem that his former ally who had a penchant for blowing things up, regardless of whether they were trying to kill him or not, would have probably liked this little girl. Rufus moves next to a nearby cactus and volley kicks it straight to the combat robots.


move to AF19
Toss Potato to Robot B


Thus the long wait begins. Hopefully the thing would explode before the robots could throw it back, or the nearby cultists could flee. Rufus decides to take at least one of those options off the table, firing off one of the glue-filled bullets at one of the dragonborn standing nearby.


Hunter's Quarry on Cultist A
Action Point
Fading Strike vs. Cultist A fails horribly.
NO WAIT Elven Accuracy
Hit for 10 damage. Cultist is immobilized (i assume).
Backflip back to AD18


Nothing to induce a little panic like sticking someone to the ground moments before a bomb goes off right next to them.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

1 Die Roll Get yer garments out

Though going through this cloud isn't Mamara's idea of a good time, the battle raging on the other side without her is enough to get her to bear it and soldier through. She wouldn't want to see what this dino's innards are like for all the world's crimson treasures.

Move to AC 14 through AB line so as to avoid trap of lose your face and identity
Ranged attack on firebug A
Pretty sure that's a miss


Whilst trying to fire a blind shot at a BUG through a CACTUS, The Suck Queen only manages to create a beautiful hole-filled billboard with one of her "Plaster Master: We'll plaster you faster" Womens' baby tees.

Most amazing jew boots

5 Dice Rolls *oh it hurts

"Lot of gunfire, things are getting really chaotic down there, why don't we—"

"Wait, the cultist is trying to tackle that robot. This hardly seems like the time for infighting."

"No, he's trying to get to the... there it goes!"

"ZOOM OUT, HOVERCAM! ZOOM OUT!



"Well, that was messy."

"Just organs and scrap metal everywhere. Reminds me of my sister's wedding."

"I didn't know you had a sister."

"Emphasis on had."

"This could have gone better."

Hahaha that firebreath missed thoroughly
And so does that axe
Robots don't care about shoulder tackles
KABOOM! 41 damage to every robot and every dragonborn.
Let's say the crater is 15 feet deep. HoloRufus is hangin' out down there if you need him.

Crushdick 13, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 2, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

1 Die Roll Dinokick

Rasdga?

Crushdick is confused. He's not bleeding out or....or anything. What the fuck.

The explosion rocked the corridor before he could dive out of the way or not look at it. He'll have to co-ordinate better with his friends next time.

In any case, it's time to DINOSAUR.

Move to AB22.

Beetles aren't even SHIT, man. Crushdick eats beetles for breakfast.

Kick beetle A into cactus AC25, impaling it.
Awww yeah critical kick to the head

YouTube Video

FELIPE NO

2 Dice Rolls shoot baby shoot

"Well, I laughed at that bow, but I can guarantee you Thorolfsson's not laughing."

"He's not doing much of anything. Well. Bleeding. He's doing quite a bit of that."

"It's important to have hobbies."

5 damage to Beetle A from Unpleasant Cactus Experience

Gren uses Takedown Shot vs Rufus: CRIT! 30 physical damage, all the usual dyin' statuses, plus slowed. Because salt, wounds, etc.

Gren flees to AW16 behind cover of cactus

Callahan 7, ROUND 2, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8

Forgive the .jpg compression for a few days, sorry.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

With an unanticipated burst of speed, Sven lumbers out of the corridor and, seeing Rufus injured, moves to assist.

"Do not worry, small elf woman! I have a DNAnnihilator® sterilizing kit from our friends at Kennedy & Sons! When you need foreign organic matter obliterated, call them first! Also, I sort of know first aid! You are in good, enormous, ridiculously-muscled hands!"


Trade in standard action and move twice to AE20.


How ya doing, buddy?

3 Dice Rolls Damage

Even Jill was faintly impressed by the carnage caused by the hot potato and immediately wished she'd taken more of them from that dwarf village she'd lived in until everyone had mysteriously died in the night from various crushing injuries.

Gleefully, she flitted between the two beetles, spinning round for joy, Mr Bear held out at arms length as she aeroplaned him round.

Yay Mr Bear, pretty explosions!

Shift to AB24, Forceful push on B to move to AA24, spinning clothesline on beetles. +3 strength +1 level +3 accuracy +1 combat advantage.

Hit both, 12 damage and knocked prone

RING A RING OF ROSES, HIT YOU IN THE NOSES, HIT YOU THEN HIT YOU, ALL FALL DOWN

Giggling uncontrollably, she continued spinning, scattering beetles everywhere.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

6 Dice Rolls burn check b

"Fools! Your explosion may have slain my simple-minded retainers, but the noise has awakened... the diggles! Your carelessness dooms us all!"

"Awfully well-spoken for a Gren."

"If I saw that many diggles at once I'd probably develop some new vocabulary too."

"Fear my martial prowess!"

"Strength in numbers, boys, strength in numbers."

"This was supposed to be my day off."


Beetle A misses bite
Beetle B bites Jill; Crit! 10 damage. Jill blooded.

DIGGLES! AC 15, Fort 13, Ref 11, Will 11, HP 1.

Rufus' doom clock strikes 1.

Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 3, Diggles 21, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

2 Dice Rolls Squirt it

Seeing a clear line to the beetle, Mamara fires off another round of her cannon in hopes of getting to drink beetle juice soon. Delicious Beetle juice.

Cannon to Beetle A
10+5=15 damage
Move to AE19

Her shot striking true, the vampiress moves closer to her good friend Rufus to empathically tell him about the savourous beetle juice that will be forthcoming.

Empath grants +5 to death saves'O'Rufus
Keep an eye out for that beetle juice

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

5 Dice Rolls I HAVE THE POWER.wav

HGAHUGAHUGHALJAKLHJAH

The beetle in front of him was liquefied, no longer the tasty treat to be enjoyed, but an awful pudding in which to step and make funny noises with. Oh well.

Move to AB25 via dead beetle A corpse to avoid AoO.

This motherfucker right here though. Fuck him. He's a bit of an asshole.

Quarry on Beetle B.
Twin Strike on Beetle B.

Whiff horribly on first attack.
Second attack hits.
4+6+1 damage.


Glancing south, the dinosaur realizes shit is about to get real. He has no choice now. He raises one of his swords.

YouTube Video

Overcharge Alpha power DUCK.
Holy shit it worked. Am now a duck.

I was speaking idiomatically.

3 Dice Rolls recharge that legbreaker

"That was one juicy beetle. There's beetle juice everywhere. Kind of a waste. A waste of beetle juice."

"Beetle juice?"

"Beetle juice."

"..."

"..."

"So it wasn't a documentary after all."

"I am simultaneously disappointed and relieved."

"First Birdemic and now this."

"In other awkward segue news, Mamara has been shot in the chest and Crushdick is now a duck."

"More like Crushduck."

"Ugh, that's awful."

"C'mon! Quackpunch Crushduck. C'moooooooon."

"That beetle juice is looking pretty good right now."

Mamara arrow'd for 14 damage, bloodied
Crushdick is now a Crushduck. He can do all the things a duck can do, plus all his regular stuff. Fly speed? Let's say 9 why not. And... irritating quacking sound as a minor action, close burst 2, marks enemies. Rad.

Callahan 7, ROUND 3, Diggles 21, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

1 Die Roll Intimidation

Sven turns to his left, puffing out his chest and generally making himself look as large and as threatening as possible.

"Puny duck things! Behold the Overseer of Ducks and tremble! His Excellency Quack Quackity approaches! Bow in reverence; the Devourer of the Bread of the Cosmos demands your obedience!"

He gestures emphatically at Crushquack.

Intimidate the duck army.

8 + 6 = 14.


FELIPE NO

8 Dice Rolls Rufus' terrible headache

"Don't know why he thought that would work."

"Just because they're yellow doesn't make them ducks. The common diggle is, yes, a bird, but rather than a duck's bill they are equipped with the rubbery nasal apparatus that gives them their name."

"I'd like to see a duck burrow through solid stone!"

"Let me assure you that you would not like that. Ooh, it's hard to watch, those two are getting diggled pretty badly."

"At this point I'd be surprised if anyone in this squad gets through the night without some heavy diggling."

Crushduck gets diggled for 10
Jill gets diggled for 5, KO
Crushduck beetlebit for 6 (bloodied)

Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8 , Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO), Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14 (KO)

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

1 Die Roll Suck it

"I Wonder if diggle blood tastes as cute as it sounds?"

Ponderous ponderousness. Let's find out.

Move to AD 21
Taste of life on Diggle E

I guess we'll never know!

Edit: As if by premonition, Mamara be suddenly pluggin' those ears. Yo.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

7 Dice Rolls HOW MANY MILKS

QUACK

And some people don't believe birds evolved from dinosaurs.

Wordlessly. Silently. With a creepy stare, Quackduck decides it's time to find a pond to eat bread out of.



A POND OF BLOOD.

Minor. Quarry on Beetle B.
Standard. Twin Strike. First strike on Beetle B
14 + 8 = Hit.
6+2+1 = 9, finally dead.

The power of his mighty quackslash reverberated through time itself, leaving a powerful shockwave that just so happened to catch one of the diggles square in the chest. Exploding him violently.

Other half of Twin Strike on Diggle A.
Popped, if only just

FINALLY. AFTER 10,000 YEARS I'M FREE. IT'S TIME TO CONQUER EARTH.

ACTION POINT

CUT THIS UGLY CACTUS DOWN.

NEW STANDARD: Twin Strike Pt1 on CACTUS AC25.
Going to assume that 8 + 8 = 16 > the AC of a cactus and it cuts.


Before the plant even had time to fall down, and using the momentum from the slice, Duckquack carries forward and roundhouses the damn thing, sending it FAR DOWNFIELD. Straight towards Gren.

Other half of Twin Strike on CACTUS SEGMENT AC25. WEAPON USED: FOOT. IMPACT ON GREN?
AHA 19. PLUS...I dunno, strength or something.


RIGHT INTO HIS FACE.


Satisfied, but tired of hearing the squishy noises left behind by this flying midget dying next to him, Duckwise Gamgee grabs

Move for Minor: 4

milks from his pack and stuffs them in his ears. The less he has to hear in the next few seconds the better.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

3 Dice Rolls *DUCK DUCK NOOSE

"That's terrible! That cactus never did anything to merit that kind of abuse."

"Perhaps Crushdick was thirsty for the bountiful water stores inside. A waterfowl like himself surely finds the Xpedition environment dry and confining."

"Too bad most of that water spattered on the cooling lava, then. But Crushdick has bigger problems than thirst, with the Gren lining up another shot."

"That's, uh, that's a really sharp arrow."

"Worse, it seems that Crushdick had a remarkably soft head. Perhaps being a duck isn't all it was quacked up to be."

"Judging by the results, I'd say it was a fowl decision."

"Strictly for the birds."

"As strategies go, it certainly didn't fit the bill."

"Well, it was a complicated situation. Sometimes you just have to wing it."

"He certainly got his feathers ruffled."

"What a daffy idea."

"...I don't get it."

Cactus hits Gren for 8
Gren retaliates for 26 damage to Crushdick, severely flocking him up and putting an end to his poultry existence.

Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO), Thorolfsson 14 (KO), Mamara 14, Gren 8

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

19 Dice Rolls *TOOOOT TOOOOOOT

Hm. So as it turns out, the diggles don't speak duck. That's unfortunate. In fairness, Sven supposes, Crushduck wouldn't be speaking much duck anymore either.

Sven recollects his childhood spent on the mountains. The wondrous skyscapes and magnificent vistas fill him with nostalgia and child-like joy. It's been so long since he's been back. Such powerful emotions bubbling up from deep within! Sven, moved as he is by the memories, cannot deny himself this moment.

Perhaps there was one last way to attempt to communicate with the diggles. Surely they spoke the universal language of music.

Sven plugs his ears and whistles his most glorious whistle. He whistles the whistle of his people.

YouTube Video

Standard: Horrible Singing Voice

Hit: (Attack) + 3 + 1 + 2 vs. Fort

Diggle B: 22 (Dead)
Diggle C: 13 (Dead)
Diggle D: 10 (Miss)
Diggle E: 7 (Miss)
Diggle F: 20 (Dead)
Diggle G: 18 (Dead)
Diggle H: 17 (Dead)
Diggle I: 23 (Dead)
Diggle J: 13 (Dead)
Diggle K: 14 (Dead)
Diggle L: 7 (Miss)
Diggle M: 12 (Miss)
Diggle N: 19 (Dead)
Diggle O: 10 (Miss)

Jill: 15 vs. 16 (Miss)
Rufus: 24 vs. 13 (11 damage)
Mamara: 20 vs. 13 (11 damage)
Sven: 19 vs. 20 (Miss)

Damage: 18 + 3 + 1 = 22

Minor: Make Rufus use second wind or whatever. That's a minor, right?


It was spectacular.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

6 Dice Rolls Rufus dyin'

"WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!"

"WHAT? I CAN'T... AHHHHH—"

"SOMEBODY TURN IT DOWN!"

"I CAN'T THINK! IT'S HURTING MY THOUGHTS!"

"BLOOD IS COMING OUT OF MY PORES AHHHHHH"

"NO MAN IN A CENTURY HAS SUFFERED AS MUCH AS I."

"FUCK! FUCK! CUT THE FEED! CUT IT! COMMERCIAL! PSA! SOMETHING! MY SKIN IS SLOUGHING—"




Diggle D takes an AOO from Mamara and dies
Diggle E: 5 damage to Sven
Rufus sails into the Midwest
Jill is 33.3% doomed

Mamara 14, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO)

I was speaking idiomatically.

3 Dice Rolls Do you juice DIggle M?

Still frustrated by her curiosity for Diggle juice, Mamara sets out to finally get her fill.

Taste of Life on diggle E
YUM (11+4+3+1 = 18)
Mamara regains 6HP
Blood Drinker for extra HPs
+2 HPs

That was pretty darn good! Let's try that one more time.

Action Point!
Taste of Life on diggle M

The second diggle doesn't seem too tempted to be part of the feast, so Esperansita reluctantly let's him be. For now. As such, she decides to step back a bit and give him room to breath, as well as obstructing Gren's line of sight ever so slightly. What a bad, bad man. Suddenly Mamara is reminded of a certain suicidal maniac who recently left the group to follow his own devices in the ever after. Maybe she'll go over later and see what makes Gren tick...

Shift to AD20

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?