[Classic] Manhogan Fantasy V: Because CHz really, really hates himself

Ok, gonna beat this game this week. I think I'm over leveled because I'm at level 45 right now. Let's end this shit.

Worlds have just merges and going to the pyramid.

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Originally Posted by CHz

Ahahahaha yesssss. Gonna need you to code it so I can give my entire daily allotment of props to one post. Just for this.

IIII'M THE BEST

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

So last update we got hold of the chicken knife. Did a bunch of running away at max throttle and took about twenty minutes to obtain the Boss Slayer.

On with the story...

Found the old flying boat just in time for Exdeath to do a bunch of this.



And some of this.



Haha, fucking furries.



Exposition Town was shit. The only loss to the world as a result of this is the shop that sold scrolls for ninjas to throw.

Fartz does not agree and goes postal.



He steers the airship due north at such a speed we circumnavigate the globe at least five times in 20 seconds. I can only imagine he's trying that trick from Superman where he flies round the world really fast to turn back time.

PHYSICS DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT DICKHEAD.

Airship bagged, we revisit some old haunts.



Die in a fire.



The clues in this game are subtle as fuck.

We reach Phoenix Tower and meet these guys.



With my knight using a Blood Sword and Thief Knife to give us occasional Mug attacks, this is a recipe for the three other reflect rings we didn't get earlier. A bit of farming later we head up the tower.



I got another four reflect rings by this point, most pointless bit of farming EVER. I also didn't think to equip any of them so burned through a LOT of maiden's kiss and mallets. Get to the top and...



FUCKING DRAGON. WE LEFT YOU TO DIE BY A ROCK FOR A REASON.

Story time!



Yep.

We bag a summon we can't use and then wait for the dragon to carry us down.



Fuck.

After traversing the tower again, we go to get Bahamut, seeing as how we're in the desert anyway.

I had my chicken knife all powered up and I had four reflect rings ready to bounce back his magic attacks. What could go wrong?

Well, I could have completely forgotten to equip all that stuff. Still, fortune favours the brave.



Not a flawless victory by any means but a victory nonetheless and without using the magic lamp either as I didn't realise you had to charge it up and I was down to chocobos. Danceserker was a bit of a hero here, as was twin lance plus gaia hammer Ninjerker hitting three times a turn.

Who wants some next then?



Yeah, Odin time!



MORTAL KOMBAT!



Chicken knife, zeninage, triple-hit Ninjerker and a slightly extraneous Knight get this done in 38 seconds. That CHZ says he's never beaten Odin without using break before suggests retarded limited parties are in fact the best way to play this game.

So at what cost these three summons I can't use?



Quite a lot...

Nothing much exciting in the Island Shrine, except the annoying bird things towards the end until this guy



Just pressed attack a lot really, he died pretty easily.

Time for more drugs.





It's a Mitsubishi logo.

And with that, we rave the night away...

FELIPE NO

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Shinryu.

Here's how Shinryu says hello:







He's an affable guy.

Coral Rings are essentially required to survive his opening attack, which is super unfortunate because it means we can't use the accessory slot for something more useful. He also flings fire (also absorbable by the ring), ice, lightning, flare, status effects, and so on, so it's your choice if you want to guaranteed absorb one element with a Ice Shield or go for the Aegis Shield and hope RNG bestows favors on you. A few of his moves are reflectable, so summoning Carbuncle is a decent idea, but none of his worst ones are so it probably won't save your life.

The Chicken Knife is awful for this fight if you're not using a special attack command, because you can flee! Since Shinryu is a dragon, Dragon Lances would probably do more damage than the Chicken Knife anyway. Hopefully everyone in your party learned Equip Lances from the Dragoon class.

The easiest way to beat him is probably just to Berserk him, because that way he'll only kill one of your party members at a time instead of all of them at once.



I gave it a few shots at level 38 for laughs and that shit clearly wasn't happening. I did like 20,000 damage to him one time, that's 2/5 of the way there!

To the grinding grounds!





By the way, these guys have a common steal of elixirs. Sure beats buying them for 50,000 gil.





Level 43: nope.



Nope.



Nope.



Nope.



Nope.



HAHAHA YUP

Okay here was my strategy, to the extent that the word "strategy" can be applied to what amounts to prayer.

Faris: Berserker with Equip Lances, Dragon Lance, Hermes Sandals, and an Ice Shield. WILL NOT survive the opening Tidal Wave.

Krile: Thief with Artful Dodger and a Coral Ring. Will revive Faris and then probably die on Shinryu's next attack.

Lenna: Geomancer with Artful Dodger and a Coral Ring. Will heal Faris back to full and then also probably die. She and Krile are on healing duty for as long as they're alive.

Butz: Dragoon with Artful Dodger, Dragon Lance, Mirage Vest, Hermes Sandals, and an Ice Shield. Will avoid Tidal Wave by Jumping.

Once Faris was revived, she was usually able to get two or three attacks in before dying again, and the Berserker + Dragon Lance combo would hit for about 6500 HP. Butz jumping would do about 9000 damage, so for this strategy to be viable, Butz would have to survive to jump four or five times WITHOUT Shinryu ever using Mighty Guard, which halves physical damage.

So the battle plan was to furiously slam on the keyboard every time it was Butz's turn to get him in the air, all while hoping Shinryu didn't use Atomic Ray (usually an instant HP kill), Evil Eye (instant Break kill), or Roulette (sometimes an instant Death kill), or attack twice before I could renew the Mirage Vest, or do any of the many other things he could do to fuck me over. Eventually I pulled the right random numbers for it to work!

Here's a video, you'll notice this one ends differently than the screenshot above THAT'S RIGHT I DID IT TWICE

YouTube Video

SKILLS, THE GAUNTLET HAS BEEN THROWN

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I couldn't wait for you to finish the rest once the idea hit me, CHz:

(Hit play then open the spoiler box)

YouTube Video

Spoiler:

lollin' @ face in the ground forever Faris

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I really need my girlfriend to stop playing Farm Heroes Saga long enough for me to get a decent session on this...

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Now this asshole is Omega. His attacks don't hit as hard as Shinryu's, but he's far more impossible for this party because his evasion and defense are off the charts. Most Omega strategies use an attack that bypasses those stats, like Rapid Fire, or reflect spells at him. I, of course, can't do any of that: Gaia doesn't work, most Magic Lamp summons just heal him, and even my Chicken Knifed Berserker isn't strong enough to dent him.

Omega also counters all damage with two attacks, one of which might be Encircle (permanently removing that character from the battle). Oh, and he knows Earthquake, which is a total party kill.

The only way I have to damage Omega is equipping my Dragoon with a Trident (lightning-element weapon) and then jumping, because Jump disregards evasion and the Trident disregards his defense because he's weak to lightning. With the right equipment, I can bounce or absorb most of his attacks, and it's tricky but theoretically possible to time my Dragoon's jumps to avoid his counterattacks when Reflect temporarily causes Omega to target himself. With enough speed to keep healing, something approaching a strategy miiiiiiiiiiiiight be possible.



However, without Float, there nothing I can do about Earthquake.

With Omega's AI script, the point where he might use Earthquake is too close to the attack window for the Dragoon to be able to hop both, so I'd have to come up with some fidgety, frame-perfect jump timing strategy with multiple characters that manipulates ATB, or abuse save states to ensure he never uses Earthquake. Either way, fuck this, I'm out.





I've never been to the bonus dungeon, and I haven't read any walkthroughs or anything, so I don't have the slightest idea what the fuck is in here or how manageable it's going to be.

FOR VICTORY





Well this seems safe.





There are three bonus GBA job crystals hanging around in the antechamber, and you get a fourth one for being the end boss of the dungeon. Since that last part will never happen, and I'm never going to use the crystals I do get, I'm not even going to tell you what they are.





I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.





I WAS WRONG





OH GOD GIL TURTLE

So this is an optional boss I skipped in world 2. I didn't even attempt it because it's majorly overpowered for that part of the game, and I had absolutely no chance without grinding for days. With levels in the 40s now, though, this might work.

His attack pattern is pretty simple: he just attacks, and when you hit him he counters with two Turtle attacks, which hit a bit harder than his normal attack and inflict poison and blindness. With HPs near or past 2000 and lots of hi-potions and antidotes, I can manage this.







Oh right, forgot he uses Earthquake when he dies. Whoops.

Welllll, guess I'll have to count his HP and have someone in the air.



lawl offscreen victory

So now we're down to just one skipped boss again.





fuck this maze btw





Oh boy, another boss.



All right it's fightin' time



Wait you want what



So apparently there's a fucking job wall in this dungeon, and to proceed you need a Beastmaster. God damn it, S-E.

There are a couple of other places in this dungeon I can go to right now, so I'll check those out first. I REALLY want to poke around in this place as far as I can go, so after I reach the other dead ends I'm going to switch to a Beastmaster for one battle to capture the Behemoth. For purism's sake, I'll make a note where the end of the run technically should have been.





PREVIEW FOR NEXT TIME: I FOUND FLOAT IN THE BONUS DUNGEON

OMEGA YOU'RE MINE

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

CHz, I can't believe you beat the game with level 36 characters. I got to Neo ExDeath last night and wiped twice before giving up at 5:30 am (got a random bonus and bought games on steam and whynotbingegaming) falling asleep. My dudes were at level 50.

I'm also not using save states. I'm assuming from the posts that you are?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

38 is a little low, but within the normal realm of possibility if you've learned the right jobs. Typically during the endgame, you have a bunch of jobs mastered and use a party of Freelancers and Mimes, which have multiple ability slots and the innate abilities and stat boosts of all mastered jobs. I think the usual recommended final boss level for FFV is 40ish?

Of course, the reason I tried it at level 38 with THIS party is that I'm a total buffoon.

Originally Posted by Hyde

I'm also not using save states. I'm assuming from the posts that you are?

I'm using save states for screenshots (rewinding), to speed up trekking through dungeons (when I wipe), and for getting rare drops & steals from enemies. I decided at the beginning that I wasn't going to use them to manipulate the outcomes of boss battles, so I play those from start to finish and always restart from the beginning when I lose.

But I miiiiiiiiight cave on Omega.

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Ayup. Gonna TRY to take on the superbosses this time, but a couple test runs don't leave me feeling good about my chances.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

^^^^^ Omega and Shinryu can both be trivial with Bard as one of your classes if you use the right exploits, as Bard is super broken





Without magic or Beastmasters, the only way for my party to get Float is to confuse a monster that casts it. With the jobs I have, the only way I have to confuse monsters is with Geomancer's Gaia attack Ignus Fatuus, so not only do I need to find a monster to confuse, but it also needs to spawn on a terrain where Ignus Fatuus will happen.

The two monsters that fit this category are Gaelicats and Poison Eagles, but I can't confuse them because my Geomancer's level is so high that Ignus Fatuus KILLS them. So that's why I was convinced that I could never get Float.

I was right in that I can't confuse any monsters that specifically cast Float, but I was wrong in that there is a monster I can confuse that casts a spell with several effects, including Float.







That spell is Mighty Guard, a Blue Magic spell that gives Protect, Shell, and Float.

Stingrays normally spawn on the ocean, where I wouldn't be able to use Ignus Fatuus, but they also spawn in River of Souls B3, a cave area where I can. Wouldn't have helped with the Catastrophe fight, because you can only come here once you've beaten the final boss.

On to Omega!





Fuckballs.

So I'm calling this one as impossible, unless I can figure out a way to get Haste while keeping a Reflect Ring on or have some grand epiphany about healing. My party is simply not able to keep up with the necessary healing.

here's way more detail about why this isn't workable than anyone cares about:

The problem is the middle part of his AI routine that goes like this:

1. Wave Cannon
   --> Dragoon needs to jump here -->
2. On the same turn:
   • randomly 1 of Delta Attack, Blaster, Wave Cannon
   • randomly 1 of Maelstrom, Earthquake, Rainbow Wind
3. Search
   --> in order to land here -->
4. randomly 1 of Rainbow Wind, Flame Thrower, Atomic Ray
5. Wave Cannon

In order to not trigger Omega's counterattacks, I need to reflect his attack Search back at him; using Search on himself will cause him to target himself instead of my party for his counters. The Dragoon needs to jump at the exact point I've listed in order to land while Omega is mistargeted.

The problem is that Omega uses Wave Cannon, which hits for half of maximum HP, right before the jump, and there's no time to heal before jumping. So when the Dragoon lands, she'll be at less than half of maximum HP. Omega is so fast that he'll then use his next two attacks before the Dragoon gets another turn, and one of those is another Wave Cannon. The only ways to guarantee her survival are to Haste her or heal her with another character.

The only way Haste her is with Hermes Sandals, but that's not an option because there are several instant-death moves I need to reflect. Keeping a support character alive is a problem because a couple of Omega's attacks will unpreventably kill them: Flame Thrower because they can't equip a shield to absorb fire, and Maelstrom when they're also leaking HP from a Wave Cannon blast. Even if they're alive at the end, her healing of the Dragoon will come at the expense of her own; she dies shortly thereafter and the Dragoon can't spend a turn to revive her while healing herself.

So in summary: life sucks, throwing in the towel.

lawl check out that zombie with a Reflect Ring, here's a failed strategy that'd work WITHOUT Float if I could Haste my Dragoon.

I need to have someone to reflect Omega's Search attack back at him, but my Dragoon can't do it while she's in the air. Soooooo, rather than having to keep a support character alive, I can just equip a Reflect Ring on someone and then have a Shield Dragon in Kuza turn them into a zombie. Omega's attacks will never kill them (since they're already dead), so they'll just be an eternal reflect wall.

But of course, that strategy doesn't work because I can't keep my Dragoon alive. 8)





Okay, we're back!





O... okay?



Well I'm sure this is a completely insignificant detail.

Fuck this maze. Just give me the thing now, don't make me find the thing I'm supposed to use it on first and come back.





Found this thing, which is a GBA-exclusive armor that halves fire damage and is equippable by Thieves. I could use this to reduce the damage from Flame Thrower and maybe stand a better chance against Omega.

HAHA NOPE NOT GOING BACK





ufk dead end already

Apparently there's only the one boss accessible without a Beastmaster, Gil Turtle, so this is the pedantic end of this FFV run. I've seen all I can see and fought everything I can fight with this party.

However, because I hate the way this place is designed and hate all the worthless treasure chests it has, I'm absolutely going to swap in a Beastmaster for one battle so I can pass the totally unnecessary job wall.

Because the way to show my utter disdain for this bullshit is to keep playing.

FELIPE NO

Dammit Pang, you officially lapped me.

Well, never too late. Let me drop this right here.



So, my final team was:

Bart - Beserker
Lenna - Dancer
Faris - Ranger
Krile - Thief



DIE NEOEXDEATH!!! DIE!!!

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So this weekend I'm going to stop playing Hotline Miami and finish this. I'll admit the prospect of facing Fork Tower with no magic users has put me off a bit but I shall have a proper go and report back soon!

How ya doing, buddy?

Oh really, Shin? Tell me all about having no magic users.



Hurry up and finish so we can Manhogan Chrono Trigger or something.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

fuck this guy





fuck this job wall



fuck THIS guy





fuck this door



fuck this statue



fuck this guy especially



fuck this timed sequence



finally





All right, here we go with the first original boss of this joint. I'm going into these fights totally blind so this should be good.

I can already tell that I'm going to need Reflect Rings for this fight to deal with the Dark Elementals, because I fought them elsewhere in the dungeon.



I WAS RIGHT

Actually this guy really likes to turn people into zombies so some Angel Rings might be better.



NONE OF IT WORKS

Reflect Rings are a bad idea because they only reflect Blaster and Aeroga. Reflecting Blaster is good, but reflecting Aeroga is bad because it heals Grand Aevis and damages the Dark Elementals.

The Dark Elementals heal with White Wind, and when they're both dead Grand Aevis revives them, so to have damage stick to Grand Aevis I need to kill one and keep the HP of the other one very low. Bouncing Aeroga doesn't fit into a strategy of controlled damage.

... nor does a Berserker. Might have to kill him beforehand.

Anyway, I don't stand a chance here until my people have enough HP to survive Aeroga, which means grinding out the ass. Still probably won't stand a chance afterward, but I won't know until I try!





These guys, who spawn in the Hall of Doubt in groups of 3, are my new favorite XP grinding chumps. They leave 7,000 experience points apiece, so that's a whopping 5,250 for every party member with each encounter.

The best part about them isn't that, though. It's that they only attack with third-level elemental spells, so with Reflect Rings they literally can't harm you and will eventually kill themselves (with lots of healing and absoprtion).

IF THAT OMNISCIENT BATTLE TAUGHT ME ANYTHING, IT'S THAT I SURE LOVE REFLECT RINGS AND EMULATOR SPEEDUP KEYS





btw if you were wondering why it's been so long since my last post here's the reason

LEVEL 45 NOPE



LEVEL 50 NOPE



LEVEL 53 NOPE

REMINDER THAT I BEAT THIS GAME FIFTEEN LEVELS AGO (38)



LEVEL 55 NOPE



LEVEL 60 NOPE

BUT I'VE GOT ENOUGH HP THAT IF I GO STEAL 99 ELIXIRS I MIGHT STAND A CHANCE HOLD UP





OH MY GOD

Okay, breathe. In. Out.

No video of the fight for two reasons: I totally abused save states to work around some of his attack sequences (I think it's theoretically possible to do this fight without that, but I'd have to be psychic), and I paused every 15 seconds to fuss with a calculator. A full video would've been insanely long and boring.

Bartz: completely unequipped, except for an Angel Ring so he doesn't turn into a zombie. I don't want him dealing damage to anything.

Lenna: Geomancer + Artful Dodger, Angel Ring, Chicken Knife, Circlet + Black Robe (magic defense)

Krile: Thief + Equip Axes (strength boost), Angel Ring, Gladius, Hypno Crown + Vishnu Vest (magic defense)

Faris: Dragoon + Artful Dodger, Hermes Sandals, Dragon Lance, Aegis Shield (occasional blocks), Mirage Vest (magic defense)

Lenna, Krile, and Faris all in the FRONT row because I needed to do normal attacks with them occasionally. Grand Aevis only has one physical attack, so being in the back row doesn't protect against much. Magic defense is a more important stat because of Poison Breath, Zombie Breath, and Aeroga.

The Dark Elementals have 5500 HP apiece, and when they're both dead and you attack Grand Aevis, they respawn. To get through this fight without White Wind being an issue, I had to kill one ASAP and then keep the second one's HP low. That meant keeping track of its HP having my other characters keep it low while my Dragoon jumped on Grand Aevis.

Giving the Dragoon Hermes Sandals instead of an Angel Ring was a calculated risk that twice the turns would be more useful than protection against zombification. As long as her HP was over 500 or so, the only way she'd turn into a zombie was if Grand Aevis used Zombie Powder on her specifically, so I only ended up having to turn her back once or twice.

That fight took 66 elixirs.





YEP THAT WAS TOTALLY WORTH A WEEK AND A HALF

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I've just gotten past a couple really busy weeks as well, so I'm picking up where I left off like everyone else.

Most amazing jew boots

Right, I did actually play this the other day and it was time for Fork Tower



Not gonna lie, just ran straight up the left hand side, escaping from every fight on the way. Got to the top with no problems.



First at the top, you fight the Minotaur. I totally forgot to equip the Chicken Knife on my Berserker so went in with a Danceserker.



Minotaur is apparently a pauper and easily defeated by the age old technique of throwing money at him.



The killing blow actually came when the dick cast Holy on us and we reflect ring-ed it back. Noob.



What prize for this epic floor-wiping?



FUCK YOU MINOTAUR.

The preliminaries over, it was time for the main event...



Tried throwing scrolls, reset the battle. Tried using items, reset the battle. Resorted to CHz-brand strategy.



A rare glimpse of how big I actually play the game with my old man eyes.

About two hours later...



Shank dat bitch.



FUCK YOU WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.

With that, the Fork Tower disappears forever.



No great loss.

At this point, I remembered that I could have gone to pick up some Legendary weapons two dungeons ago, lol. A quick trip to the castle that for some reason took me an age to find and in we go. Met this dude in there.



What the fuck? He's a pain in the arse and keeps killing people or would if they weren't all wearing Reflect Rings. Still gets killed though. We pick up a bunch of new weapons and re-equip.



COME GET SOME.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Awwww yeah the path is open, finally I can get back to looting this joint.



WHY IS EVERY TREASURE CHEST IN THIS PLACE USELESS



FUCK



FUCK



FUCK



FUCK



FUCK





... ooh?



Ahahahahahaha looking at a guide this thing halves all elemental damage and ups physical evade by 10% and magical evade by 20%. THIS IS NOT OVERPOWERED AT ALL





No I do not wish to partake in this Super Mario Bros. reference

Thanks for at least asking me if I want to teleport though unlike the other warps in this place.







If "around here" is ten rooms away like this other fucking lock-and-key bullshit has been then I am going to put out a level 2 warning on me flipping my shit in the near future. Sick of this.





Ahahaha check out this THIEF job wall. To get past the waterfall on the upper level, you have to flip this switch to turn it off and then B-dash up and around before it turns back on. JOKE'S ON YOU, ASSHOLES, I CAN DO THIS ONE





Oh lord another one of these chucklefucks, now I'm guaranteed to have to do something on the opposite end of the dungeon.



Yo so if you didn't know, this dungeon has even harder versions of both Omega and Shinryu. This is gonna be magical.



There's a teleporter in this room that's locked like that cave from four screenshots up, so I guess that's what this is referring to.



GOD DAMN IT I WAS RIGHT

I didn't take a screenshot, but in one of the first rooms in this place, there's a monster locked in a cell. So, of course, guess where I have to go next.

Note: it's the opposite direction he wants me to go, because fuck this guy right in his stupid fucking face.

Here's the most accurate summary of this dungeon I can think of:

YouTube Video

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Next up on my inaugural Fuck This Dungeon Tour: this door!



Leads to the Tomb of Memory area, which uses the pyramid tileset and has a bunch of those Mecha Head enemies running around again. Square-Enix: officially out of ideas for this dungeon.





OH JESUS BAIL OUT





Cool it's a button, I'm sure nothing bad will happen if I hit it.





Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

So it turns out that, when that asshole said "you must defeat he who is locked in the dungeons of the Sealed Temple," he ONLY meant for the teleporter in that room, and Neo Shinryu & Omega Mk.II are accessible without that.

That means that, instead of hauling ass back to the start to die to a boss, I can just stay down here and die to a boss. Cool, I guess?





Cool, it's another button right next to an open pit. I'm sure nothing bad wi—



WHGARBLRBRBLHRB



Aaaaaand, scene!





Neo Shinryu! I already beat Shinryu, and I've gained 17 levels since then, so this won't be so bad.







I WAS WRONG, SHINRYU LEARNED EARTHQUAKE

Lemme go grab Float off a Stingray and I'll be right back.





Jiminy.

I gave it a shot with my Shinryu strategy of slapping Dragon Lances on everyone and hoping to kill him in 15 seconds, but that's not going to work here. The reason is that the developers have cheated in two ways.

First, Neo Shinryu is randomly invulnerable half the time. This is achieved by there being two forms, one completely impervious to damage and the other not, that rapidly switch back and forth without a signal. So 50% of attacks will be absorbed without even popping up a 0 damage indicator.

Second, Neo Shinryu has three hidden, unselectable, invulnerable targets. They don't show up in the monster list and you can't intentionally attack them, but random attacks like Rapid Fire have a chance of choosing them and therefore doing no damage.

The net effect is that my Berserker will only land a hit 1/8 of the time, so I pretty much have to solo this fight with my Dragoon. But wait, there's more.

Neo Shinryu has a 1/3 chance of countering damage with White Hole, which is an instant kill for this party. He has 65,000 HP, so with a 9,999 HP limit on attacks, I'm going to have to land no less than 7 hits on him without triggering White Hole. I might be able to bring that down to 6 or 5 if I get lucky with my other three characters before they die, but 7 is the theoretical target.

The odds on that are (2/3)7 = 5.85%. And that's assuming I can figure out how to keep the Dragoon alive during the other attacks. So that's a pretty big pile of shit I've got to figure out how to deal with.

... later!

FELIPE NO

With Fork Tower destroyed, we hook up a new ride.



Time to go swimming, fool.





Yeah, and my dick is only ten inches long.



COMMENCE STANDING AROUND.

Actually, forgot to nullify the berserker so spent the first thirty seconds hitting him with the other characters until he died.



Pointless new job acquired, we leg it, made it back to the boat with 3 seconds remaining. We head off to the nearest glowing blob on the underwater world map.



Gonna need some wellies I fear.

Pretty easy dungeon this one, more or less linear and no tough monsters.



Wait, what? Fourth? I don't remember getting a third. Lol doing dungeons out of sequence. Anyway, we grab the tablet with no sign of a boss...



Bugger.



Only just beat him with no particular strategy.



More pointless shit and the realisation I totally could have just walked past this guy. Fuck my life.

So we go to the actual third dungeon next and man is it a pain in the arse. Thinking it would be easier than the fourth I didn't bother restocking on Hi-potions and came in with about 60. There are high-hp monsters that do a fair bit of damage and doom you which would be bad enough but then there are arsehole lava sections you're supposed to float over only no float so after nearly running out of potions, I resort to using the ninja's escape command to run away from battles with one hp a piece. Got to the end eventually though.



A pig?



Three (little) pigs, obviously.



Insanely easy fight, zeninage and straight up hard hitting get this done in a couple of rounds.



GEE, THANKS.



Yeah, let's leave that shit for CHz shall we.



Whatever dude.



Hooray for bad guy clichés!

Bitch gets owned.



Apanda? An actual panda? What is this, World of Warcraft?

Dude goes down pretty quick too.



Backrowserker? Ah hell no, Dual-wieldserker with Thor Hammer and Titan Hammer of course. 6,000 odd damage a turn to most bad guys.

Beat the tall dude boss easily then got raped by the octopus thing a couple of times. Time for a rethink...

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Chapter VI: A Brave Suspiciously Similar World

Spoiler:

But first...



...we need to run the Grass Tortoise population into the ground and harvest their mighty shells. To the mortar and pestle!



Oh and I guess we need to kill some monsters, too.



Unlike poor CHz, I can mix up some stuff that lets me float, so Titan is a complete joke.



Purobolos is a little bit more difficult because I completely lack the ability to deal reliable multi-target damage.



Then I discovered that they are vulnerable to silence, which I can conveniently apply via Spellblade.



So, when they try to cast it, I can just keep on killing them.



HAHA NOPE.



Sure thing, gramps.



Old people, man. For real.



Remember that bow CHz made fun of me for getting? The one that sometimes applies an instant death effect?



Yeah, that one. Anyway.



Meanwhile, somehow my paper map is able to show me animated pulses of light directing me to my next destination.



Yeah, say goodbye to the chocobo you constantly abandon and never talk about. He probably means a lot to you, you asshole.



LATER, WORLD.



HELLO, WORLD.



Oh man, sure is nice that we get to have a little bit of time to ourselves like this! Just kick back with a nice campfire and-



CRASH! STOP THAT!



Oh hey this creature that just kidnapped my friends left me a gift! I should probably open it and stick my head inside as far as it will go, because this is an excellent plan.



Oh man, the Big Bridge?



Yeah, I suppose this bridge is pretty big.



Honestly, this sounds so god damn sinister without any context.



Now, I only know a little bit about optics but I'm pretty sure that's not what a giant mirror would actually do.



Oh Gilgamesh, you card you.



YES BIG BRIDGE TIME



OH MAN THIS MUSIC IS FUCKING AWESOME



I AM NEVER GOING TO LEAVE



EVER



Real talk, Gilgamesh's dialogue is all fantastic.



See!



We arrive in the village of Regole, and take a well-deserved nap. However...



Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.



Naturally.



Oh, a chance for character development!



Naturally..



The townspeople see fit to offer me an important piece of advice.



Which is, of course, immediately disregarded.



Just as immediately I can tell this fight is totally not going to happen.



UNTIL LATER, IMPERVIOUS DRAGON.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Chapter VII: Trading In For a Newer Model

Spoiler:

Our heroes took stock of the local fauna.



Typical Lenna.



I'm sure it's just a silly name; the moogle will be fine.



At Lenna's insistence, we intervene on the moogle's behalf.



Yeah, that's right. I one-shot another boss with that bow. How you like them apples?



In exchange for his rescue, the moogle shows us how to safely cross the desert! Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea after all.



You FUCK.



After managing to avoid the Sandcrawlers, which you cannot run from, we made it to the moogle's village, and Lenna channels everyone who's ever played an RPG. Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they always tell us.



F YES. I forget if CHz explained how this thing works, but every time you choose attack it has a 50% chance to use !Dance instead, which is identical the the Dancer ability. This is noteworthy because !Dance uses 1 of 4 randomly-selected abilities. Most of these suck, but Sword Dance is selected 25% of the time and does quadruple damage. Since I'm sporting a Lamia's Tiara that I made sure to steal earlier in anticipation of this, Sword Dance has a 50% chance of being used if !Dance is chosen, instead. It's pretty boss.



Then the drake, too weak to go on, saves us at the cost of his own life. I'm not really sure why he couldn't have just waited a little bit; we were pretty comfortable in the moogles' village.



I KNOW YOU ASSHOLE. STOP IT.



We continue on our way to Quelb, the furriest town of them all.



These dudes wish me luck and safety.



This was when I happened to realize that the way they're programmed they walk a given direction for a given number of steps, and then change direction, going in a loop.



However, if something is in their way (like me) then it's possible to push them off the rails, as it were, and have them run loose.



I'm going to load up a save state later on and see if I can get them to actually leave the town.



Heading up into the mountains we come across a golem who's being attacked by some jerk undead dragons.



He thanks us for our help.



Then we awkwardly stare at each other for some time, a situation that will later be perfected with Gau in Final Fantasy 6.



These are the parts that test my suspension of disbelief. All the drakes must be extinct because of one god damn plant? They're drakes! Just fly away from it! What's it gonna do? It's a PLANT.



Later on I decided not to exploit boss weaknesses like this as badly, 'cause my party is pretty stupid. But irrespective of that an antilixir, which can be created using !Mix, will take an enemy down to single digit hit points, more or less.



Then they die from a stern look.



COME ON WHO REALLY BELIEVES THIS?



Naturally Lenna is poisoned again.



It sure is lucky that Krile happened to have some dragon grass antidote or whatever on-hand. Very convenient.



We launch a fleet to attack Exdeath's castle, and then while his attention is diverted we sneak in aboard this bomb-ass little sub. So cool.



Xezat heads into the basement, and we go up top to destroy the antenna!



Naturally, it won't be that easy. It may cost us our blood.



This fight is super funny with a mystic knight because spellblade-applied Sleep never misses, and Atomos is vulnerable to it, so he didn't really get to do much of anything in this fight.



You'll notice that Faris, who was the character killed at the beginning, hasn't been pulled closer to him at all. Owned.



Obligatory noble sacrifice.



Top-tier elemental spells are kind of hilarious on spellblade, because if you're attacking a non-heavy enemy that's weak to it, it doesn't actually do damage.



It just outright kills them.



Catlolblepas more like. Eh? Eh?



OR CAN WE? EH? EH?



This seems like an overreaction.



This fight that CHz hated (aka all of them) was so long ago I don't actually remember my exact tactics, but I think it was probably something like this: kill everything and laugh maniacally at how easy it is.



First time I played this I was actually like HOLY SHIT at this part.



Well isn't that convenient.



I am a terrible person.



Can't I just leave her as a freelancer?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Suppose I should get this over and done with...



Throwing Elixirs mainly won that one.



Insert joke about Alice being a cumdumpster here I guess.



Another dumb bitch who needs to learn when to shut the fuck up.



Told.



Some big, ugly, gigaflare motherfucker next. I used the patented CHz cheap tactic and magic lamped the bitch.



Nearly there now!



Nobody likes it here. There are King Behemoths everywhere, I'm almost out of hi-potions and it's fucking miles to the nearest shop. We decide to tough it out.

There's a bunch of Fuma Shurikens in chests here. Also this:



Might not open that one after all.



In the best tradition of jrpgs, Exdeath spouts a bunch of faggy nonsense when you meet him. These games need to give you the option to slap emo fags in the face and skip all the crappy dialogue.



Was a giant tree really the most terrifying form they could think of for the end boss?

The world gets fucked, Simon says:





Sounds like a gay sauna society or something.



ROUND 1, FIGHT.



GOSH, THAT WAS EASY, I BET THAT'S ALL THERE IS AND THE FIGHT IS OVER.

Note the various haste effects rather than reflect, this was a first attempt, I switched to reflect rings for everyone except the berserker for subsequent goes with the zerker still in hermes sandals.



DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.



FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Took a couple of attempts, the main issue being the bit at the back casting meteor and killing everyone and running out of all healing items with two bits still to kill. The Fuma Shurikens helped, dealing 7,000 odd damage each time.

Well that was a decent enough game. I'm not normally a huge fan of old-school rpgs, I certainly never got on with FF6 but I think the challenge element of this made it more entertaining that it otherwise would have been. Would have stood no chance without CHz playing it through in front of me, primarily because there are a couple of bosses I don't think I would have beaten without his strategies.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Glad to hear that the enormous piles of hero corpses I left lying around helped you out.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Chapter VIII: We're Back! A Story of Old Things

Spoiler:

We take our new recruit exploring, and find a cave that gives us money just for walking around!



It doubles with every step! This is the greatest!



However, with every step there's also a chance of encountering Gil Turtle, who is absurdly powerful at this point in the game given my comparatively meager firepower. Yes, even my rapid-firing spellblade isn't really a whole lot compared to this guy at this point. What I ended up doing was having my Pharmacology-boosted (potions are twice as effective) chemist chuck hi-potions for 1000 damage over and over until he died.

Given the crap luck I had in encountering him so early, I figured I'd make a ton of bank getting to the back of the cave. NOPE. Next step, hit him again.



WORTH IT.



BACK TO BIDNISS. The mightiest warriors of the kingdom having fallen, it's up to use to save the day!



Oh. Well then.



Okay it's up to a badly beaten wolf man to save the day.



Not really the decor I would have sprung for, but who am I to judge the tastes of a powerful malevolent force?



THIEF CLASS PAYING OFF AGAIN. APPROXIMATELY TEN STEPS SAVED.



Carbuncle has two forms, one where he's really difficult to damage and casts a bunch of offensive magic, and one where he's pitifully weak and heals himself. If you just heal through his magic for a bit, he becomes weak to a bunch of stuff. Like the whole instantly dying to -aga elemental spellblade thing. So that happened.



LONE WOLF I HATE YOU.



Oh wait a minute, what







For real, Gilgamesh owns.



YEAH!



Well, uh. I mean. Obviously, you, uh. You're trying to. Well.



You win this round.



This fight was super easy, even without casters. Biceps hits like a truck, and with a Drain spellblade is basically unkillable. Characters with !Mix can double their HP first of all, and then mix up holy damage that's based on their HP. It's pretty stupid.



WE DID I-oh shit.



Well I guess that worked out after all! Yay us!



BICEPS LIKES MILHOUSE



I'm not sure why but this line made me laugh super hard. The mental image of this contrast between something incredibly bad ass like riding a motherfucking dragon, and screaming like a child, was so silly. I imagine the beaming face of the king, overflowing with pride as his daughter takes her first lesson in becoming the warrior daughter that would honour his family's royal legacy. Then I imagine the frustration and shame as she screams incoherently and runs around the castle, red-faced and wailing.



Oh please we all know you don't even care by this point.



Are you trying to convince us? Or are you trying to convince yourself?



What do you know, here we are in a cave about to be attacked by some weird insect or something.



This fight was so easy and over so fast I forgot to take a screenshot, so instead here's CHz fighting it.



We escape after being taunted by a rope, to discover that Faris has bailed on being a princess because it sucks.



Oh okay I will totally not. It's probably not important for the story anyway.



Two minutes later, the inevitable abandonment occurs once more.



Ghido busts my balls some more for saying dumb things, which is fair.



You said not to worry about it!



Apparently she meant she was impaled by a branch.



I am positive there was a better way to write Exdeath into this scene than the one that they chose.



Exdeath beats us up again and we check out the ancient library, where Ghido ridicules Biceps' intellect some more and then bestows upon us some homework.



We go to see if the library has filled out our favourite section yet.



AND FOR SOME REASON LENNA IS HERE STOP SPYING ON US WHAT THE HELL



GILGAMESH!



EVERYONE IS A THIEF AND A JERK.



Hm. Well, I mean I'm not not brave...



Well



Yeah, that was easy.



This is quite an upgrade due to my unstoppable cowardice.



Time to check out the ol' pyramid! For real. It's really old.



Hm.



Okay, so that transpired pretty much how I expected it to.



Another joke of a boss.



This is foreshadowing because his brother is also a total joke of a boss. If he finished his sentence, it would have ended with "also die instantly."



With that, the first tablet is ours!



FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF



That was a suspiciously-shaped peninsula, now that you mention it. And now it's sinking. That's odd.



FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF



Oh thank god for that.



YES



FARIS THAT IS A NORMAL WATER SHIP YOU ARE A PIRATE I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW THESE THINGS

I was speaking idiomatically.