[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

Argumentus's efforts weren't paying off, so his short attention span redirected him towards other purposes.

Argumentus leaves the room and makes his way to the room with the jailed lizardman.

"Why you lock up, uh?"

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The dwarf looked down at the scroll.

"Well. Ain't that a bitch."

How ya doing, buddy?

"It seems to me though like we need some acid to set the things off. By the time we get all the way downstairs the stuff leaking out of the dragon will have dried up and anyway, it's wet down there so we need a waterproof container". I was more thinking out loud than particularly expecting any help, especially as despite our time together, I still could not make head nor tail of anything the Horde said to me and the small child could have been speaking Swahili for all I knew.

Still, our time together had changed me in some ways. For starters, I had a load of new gear, at least three crossbow bolt shaped scars forming on my chest and some new, mysterious powers, some of which I even commanded the use of. I had become bolder too, thanks in no small part to the proximity of three and a half walking killing machines dogging my steps. It was that point that a plan began forming in my mind.

"Hmm, a source of acid and a water-tight container... Well the obvious choice to me would be to grab one of these two-faced little runts, take him down to the dragon's lair, snap his little ankles so he can't run off then prop him up next to the boulder and feed him candy until there's a way out. Any other plans or objections?". I opened up the floor to the Horde, expecting neither objections nor alternatives. Everyone loves a firework display after all, especially a Kobold flavoured one.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Argumentus attempts to engage in dialogue with the caged lizardman. The creature seems very pleased to have a visitor, and begins rapidly scrawling simple drawings in the dirt floor of his enclosure. Argumentus can't quite understand what the reptile is trying to say, but he's able to comprehend most of the pictograms.

Lizard Break Window

Tiny Man Yelling

Smile Eye Tall Man

Cage Break Run Around

Belly Hurt Give Candy Present

How ya doing, buddy?

Argumentus nods and draws a winking smiley face in the dirt. He goes back to the party before they move any further and swipes a piece of candy from the bowl before anybody notices. He makes an 'ok' sign with his hands and waits for the lizardman to put his plan into motion.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

The lizardman stares at Argumentus. He points at the lock on his cage, then pantomimes breaking something. Try as it might, the lizard cannot reach the lock from within the cage.

After a moment of long concentration, the lizard forces a single word through its crude jaws.

"Duhhhhhh."

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Motsognir doesn't really understand why everyone is still fucking around with the lizardmen. He grabs a handful of the dangerous candies and goes down to the Dragon's cavern. He does some quick maths and put the candy in the place where an explosion would work best. He drinks his canteen dry and fills it with dragonblood, since there would be plenty left, because the dragon was pretty big and we just killed it like a few hours ago. He puts the canteen, lid removed, by the candy, then stands a safe distance away and throws a rock at the canteen. He repeats this process until the acid blood falls on the boom-candy, then he leaves the cave, and goes to find a brothel.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Pangalin

The lizardman stares at Argumentus. He points at the lock on his cage, then pantomimes breaking something. Try as it might, the lizard cannot reach the lock from within the cage.

After a moment of long concentration, the lizard forces a single word through its crude jaws.

"Duhhhhhh."

Now the lizardman was speaking his language. Argumentus attempts a feat of mighty strength to break the lock.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The dwarf wanders out towards the explosion, hoping now that a tooth was dislodged in the process.

"Oh hey. The way out. I guess mighty Kord has smiled upon us and smoten the rock asunder. Truly it is an act of the great and mighty god, as he shows us favour for living up to his values." he said, utterly ignoring the perfectly mundane solution like a good believer. Even though it's walking out of the cave with a rock in its hand.

"There's this big hole down here. It's pretty cool. Truly Kord provides."

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Motsognir sacrifices his canteen for the greater good, blasting the rock to smithereens. He and his brother dwarf wander out through the cave entrance onto a broad hillside, squinting in the sunlight. The coastal metropolis of Freeport sprawls across the valley below. The salty sea air is bracing after so many days underground.


Quest Complete! 1000 XP awarded (200 XP apiece). LEVEL UP!


They wait for the rest of the party to finish dicking around. It could take a while.

Argumentus smashes the lock on the hulking lizardman's cage. The beefy creature charges out, seizing the candy out of Argumentus' hands and charging into the Chieftain's private chambers. Gulping the candy down, he sweeps the kobold leader into a friendly embrace. The kobold retainers hurry to free him.

...

After the dust has settled, there's not much left of the kobolds other than teeth, hair, and a fresh coat of paint. Well, Argumentus' intentions were noble, anyway.

How ya doing, buddy?

"I don't know about you, Brother, but I'm gonna find the fucker who buried me in that cage and introduce him to Kord's warm love via cold steel."

He patted his fellow dwarf on the back and then smirked. "Who would have guessed a pair of dwarves would leave the underground before a pack of weak-backed non-beards?"

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

With all the kobolds dead, there was nothing left to do but root through all of their worldly possessions for anything of use.

How ya doing, buddy?

The kobolds, sadly, had very few material possessions left after many years of pushy adventurers barging through their village and demanding things. Whatever goods the chieftain may have kept for himself have vaporized into a fine mist.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Sighing at the missed opportunity for torturing small animals but happy that we had finally killed every last living thing in the dungeon, I drew one last tag on the wall to mark our passing and headed out to join the dwarves.

The sunlight and fresh air was invigorating after so many days underground but I felt as though the days in the cold and dark had had a rather lastnig effect on me. Once again, I felt my powers increasing and knowledge sprang unbidden into my mind. I knew at once how I could make my ice spell that much more effective and wondered that I had not realised such a thing before.

Looking at the dwarf zombies beside me and realising that I still had no clue whatsoever as to how I had managed to reanimate them and flushed with my new-found powers over ice and fire, I made a momentus decision. No longer would I persue the arts of revivification, from this point on, I would become an elementalist!

Unless of course I met someone who could teach me to control my necromantic powers, in which case I would resume my efforts to become a mighty and powerful reanimagus and take over the world ahead of an army of the undead. MWAHAHAHA

MWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, GADGET!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I ain't like the kobolds all that much, but I ain't wanted to see 'em dead, either. I'll have to keep my eye on that golem, he might try'n feed me some of them explosive sweets.

I follow the rest of the party outside. Sure is nice to see civilization again. I can't wait to get some proper supplies, crawdads and goat spleens and moose hooves and all. Mebbe I'll fix up a heap'a my rheumatiz lixer, that'll simmer down whatever got that fragile dwarf all riled up!

There's nowhere I can't reach.

AND THEN SUDDENLY THE CRUMBLING DUNGEON BEGAN TO FALL APART AND ROCKS WERE FALLING AND IT WAS DANGEROUS AND ARGUMENTUS HAD TO RUN OUT OF THERE REAL FAST BACK TO HIS PARTY AND THEN HE WAS OUTSIDE AND IT WAS SAFE AND HE SAID

"I'LL GET YOU BACK, EVIL DUNGEON"

AT THE TOP OF LUNGS!!

So reassembled, the party meanders downhill toward Freeport. A winding dirt road leads through a packed assembly of ramshackle homes into a broad market square full of soaring chapels and ancient shrines. Spotting the baffled expressions of every newcomer to the city, a wiry little gnome runs up to the party — rubbing his hands together gleefully.

"Welcome, friends, to Freeport! City of Adventure, they call it. I don't know why. I've lived here 20 years and I've not had a single adventure. Not one. Perhaps an escapade or two, but no adventures. You look like you've had some adventures, though, I can tell. You're all covered in blood and filth. You can always spot an adventurer by the filth, that's what I always say. But enough about me! What brings you to Freeport? Looking to shop, perhaps? Seeking anything particular? I'd be glad to help you lighten your coinpurses, sure I would. Or maybe you're seeking a soft bed, or a meal, or looking for work? Freeport's a big town, it'd be risky to go wandering around by yourself without a guide. I won't stop you, of course, but I won't be held responsible for anything that might happen to you! No sir. I won't, I won't, I won't. Oh, this! This is the Temple District. You probably figured that, on account of all the temples. But it never hurts to explain the obvious, am I right? Particularly when dealing with adventurers. Not the brightest sorts, those folks. Not you, though! I can see that all of you are very savvy customers."

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Having regrouped, we made our way down to the city. I was concious of the stares we were getting from people as we passed by but assumed it was due to my incredible aura of power. After all, the sight of an elf wizard, a massive human retard, a small child and two dwarves, one of whom had had his beard burned off and was wearing a variety of goblin hexxer skull adornments and all of whom were drenched in blood, covered in dirt and had various bits of Kobold gib hanging off them is hardly an uncommon one in any city of the civilised world.

No sooner had we passed the suburbs and were entering what was obviously the Sumerian quarter from the architecture, we were accosted by a tiny man with a pointy hat and a fishing rod who, sadly enough seemed to speak the same crazy garbled nonsense as the Horde. I assumed he was some kind of locally employed tour guide and marvelled at the foresight of the civic leaders of this particular conurbation in organising such a thing for visitors to the city. It occured to me that I couldn't even remember if this had been the city I was in the night I got drunk and ended up in the dungeon. Quite what I had been drinking that night I might never know but I resolved to stick to white wine in future. I addressed the charming little fellow, slowly and loudly as is best when dealing with foreigners.

"HELLO THERE. ME SCARY BOB AND THIS'M MY HORDE. MUCH AS WE APPRECIATEY THE OFFERIO OF TOURY, WE MIGHTY BUSY BUSY. NEED GO SHOP SHOP FOR A BLUE HAT AND FACEY PAINTYS, THEN FIND MIGHTY BAD MEN WHO PUT NICE MR BOB IN HOLE AND KILL THEM, POSSIBLY IN THE FACE. YOU KNOW ANY MIGHTY BAD MEN OR HATTY SHOP SHOPS? YOU TAKE BOB TO HAT SHOP, BOB GIVE YOU A COPPER PIECE SEE? BUY NEW TOADSTOOL FOR THE MISSUS."

I supposed that a bath wouldn't hurt either and a nice lie down. It had been a pretty busy day after all and goblin blood tends to stain the skin if you don't wash it off for a couple of days.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The dwarf sighed. Truth be told, he missed the dungeon a bit. As a dwarf, he longed for the soaring ceilings of stone and the dark caverns cried out to him the way a siren might to a sailor. However, it had been too long since he was in a place of reverence to his lord.

"Fair enough, stranger. For starters, you can tell me where the nearest Temple to Kord lies. It's been too long since I offered up a prayer to the god of war in his own house."

It seemed a smart request, given they were in the temple district. He glanced over at not-so-silent-Bob and smirked, despite himself. He may think these people were utter wankers, but they were his allies in battle, and for that they had his loyalty.

Adjusting Murray and Thomas he let his axe slide onto his shoulder, running the hand clutching his shield through his long beard, sighing at the singed quality to its former lustrous glory. He was covered in grit and blood, but he would not wash it away just yet. These were the marks of Kord's favour, and he would not insult his god by walking into his house devoid of proper livery. He took a moment to summon his mastiff, scratching the dog that was as tall as he was between the ears and squinting against the bright light.

I was speaking idiomatically.

The skulled dwarf had a mighty fine suggestion, though what anyone would want to worship a pile of firewood I can't guess.

"I aim to pay my respects proper, as well. Where is the house of Melora?"

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The gnome gives Bob a long, sour look, but decides he'd rather have the elf's money than his respect.

"Well now, Freeport's just about plumb full of bad men if that's what you're after. Narrowing down one in particular would take quite some time, don't you think? Now, hats... well, your average Freeporter's got no use for a hat. It'll be swiped off your fool head if the wind doesn't take it. Edgar's on the East Side might have something. Place is chock full of snooty-arse clothes."

He turns to Gabriel.

"Kord's house is just down that alley there (he points to the west). Hang a left at Vinely's Ecumenical — you'll know it by the stuffed owlbear — and stop when you run into the half-ogre. That'll be Brother Giorgi, and I do heartily recommend you give him whatever offering he thinks Kord is demanding today."

He turns to Brigid.

"Melora, well now. The Sea Queen's house isn't hard to find in any port town, is it?" He points at a domed building only a few dozen yards to the south, surrounded by a moat of saltwater.

"Now, when you're all done playin' dress up and talkin' to invisible people, you can find a decent meal and a clean bed at the Diving Fin — that'll be down at the docks. Mind, it's not cheap, but at least you know they're not puttin' sea devils in the crab cake."

The gnome holds out his palm expectantly.

FELIPE NO

The small creature spent a minute or so spouting more garbled nonsense and gesticulating wildly. Try though I might I could not understand a word of it. Abruptly, it stopped speaking and held out it's hand. I took the proferred hand and shook it vigourously.

"THANKS ANYWAY LITTLE FELLOW, I'M SURE I CAN FIND IT ON MY OWN. YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY NOW"

I pricked up my ears, hoping that my keen elven senses would alert me to the sound of commerce. I was reluctant to go running off on my own though, knowing full well the kind fo trouble the horde could quickly get themselves into if left unattended. I figured they'd be drawn to food eventually so resolved to just follow where ever the party went for the time being.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Argumentus splits away from the party in the meantime to pick some fights with the livestock.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Motsognir puts his arm around the little fellow, pushing him away from the others, and mutters quietly to him, occasionally making rude gestures with his hands and raising his eyebrows suggestively.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The dwarf trudged down towards the town, with the wizard on his heels, looking to find himself a house of worship and maybe a nice armoury.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Motsognir pulls the little gnome aside, engaging in a bit of... persuasive dialogue. After a few moments of this, the gnome hurriedly slaps a folded parchment into the warlord's hands and flees for his life. It's a map of the city

, although so battered and weatherbeaten as to be nearly useless.

Argumentus wanders the city, intent on beating the crap out of the first cow he finds. He leans over a high fence to stove in the head of a passing bull, but the bull's head unfortunately turns out to be attached to a furious minotaur. The minotaur demands that Argumentus face him in the arena for this insult, threatening to call the guards otherwise.

With the assistance of the map, it's slightly easier for Gabriel to locate Kord's temple (such as it is). The shrine is an open-air structure; a simple stone slab on four pillars rises above a reflecting pool. A hulking half-ogrish cleric greets Gabriel with open arms. "Welcome, brother!" he shouts, delivering a hearty slap on the back and sending the blood-drenched dwarf sprawling face-first into the pool. With the waters properly sanctified with the blood of the guilty, Gabriel meanders on his way (sputtering and coughing up little minnows).

The tools of Gabriel's particularly violent trade are hard to find in the Temple District, and he wanders the city for many hours in his search. At last (after sticking his head curiously into the storefronts of many alchemists, booksellers, and greengrocers) he finds a likely candidate in the run-down slums of the Scurvytown Quarter. The shingle outside reads "Otto's Blades & Baldrics", and sure enough plenty of both (along with a great variety of helms, shields, bludgeons, cudgels, spears, and various sharp and steely things of all kinds) are packed into the cramped little building. The vast majority of them hang on a wall behind a filthy old counter — and, consequently, behind a filthy old shopkeep. The 7-foot dragonborn glares down at Gabriel, brushes off his leather apron, and spits.

"Oh-ho, a tourist. The hell do you want, little man?"

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?