[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

Not one to be left out of any fight, Argumentus follows Gabriel to search for the goblin. When they come upon the door it retreated behind, Argumentus attempts to open it the way he knows best how. (to do it)

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Bradylama

Not one to be left out of any fight, Argumentus follows Gabriel to search for the goblin. When they come upon the door it retreated behind, Argumentus attempts to open it the way he knows best how. (to do it)

The dwarf stepped aside to let the human monstrosity bulldoze (literal bulls pulling a gnomish heavy metal plow, called a doze one suspects) his way into the room. Clearly he want to go to there.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Try as he might, Gabriel is quite unable to dislodge the dragon's teeth from its jaw.

Gabriel and Argumentus then retrace their steps in search of the runaway hobgoblin. Eventually they track him to the sacrifice room, where he cowers behind a hastily-erected barricade comprised of the broken masonry that originally hid the room from view.

Argumentus, single-minded to a fault, responds to the barricade as can be expected: plowing directly into it at a full sprint. The barricade crumbles immediately, and Argumentus' momentum shoves the hobgoblin into the pit. There is a few seconds of screaming followed by a splash.

The warriors look at each other and shrug before advancing to the pit and looking down. The hobgoblin is thrashing around in the muck, several of its limbs obviously broken. Desperate for aid, he shouts out to no-one in particular.

"AAAAAGH. SOMEONE, HELP ME. I'M STILL ALIVE, ONLY I'M VERY BADLY HURT."

The fighters turn their backs on the scene, attempting to ignore a shameful and unmanly display of weakness.

"SOMEONE, PLEASE, CALL A CLERIC. I'M IN QUITE A LOT OF PAIN."

The swishing sound of a robed figure descending the stairs to the dragon's lair echoes clearly up the pit.

"Oh! Good. I'm glad you found me. Listen, I'm very badly hurt, so if you could just—"

They hear the unmistakable twang of a bowstring.

"YOU — YOU SHOT ME! YOU SHOT ME RIGHT IN THE ARM! WHY DID YOU —"

twang

I was speaking idiomatically.

With all that unfinished business settled, Argumentus goes back to meet up with the kobolds.

How ya doing, buddy?

Motsognir, as always too sheepish to wander off alone, had been waiting for someone to start back to the Kobolds. He waddled along behind the dumb one, thinking about what they might give him for bringing back their candies.

FELIPE NO

After sending a soul to my much totally better God, I follow the team.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

The dwarf slung his axe over his shoulder, spinning it lazily and splattering gore on the nearby walls. He whistled quietly to himself, his mind on finding and killing whatever it was that shot that goblin he wanted to murderize. Kord had gifted him with great battles, but his monstrous thirst for battle was nigh insatiable and he longed for Kord to test him once again. He and his obviously more badasser deity both needed the heat of war to strengthen them. He kept stride alongside Argumentus as they made their way back.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

The party trudges back up the stairs with the chalice, hoping to eke some reward out of the kobold clan. The kobolds are somewhat surprised to see them again.

"Holy mother of fuck, you're still alive!" blurts the door guard. "That never happened before!"

"At last!" shouts the clan leader. "The power of the Maguffin's Rare Candy is mine! Surrender the Rare Candy, and I will tell you all about the, uh, secret escape hatch."

He holds out his hands to Motsognir expectantly.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

After retracing our steps through the dungeon, past the many scenes of our glorious victories, we arrived back at the Kobold's den where they immediately began trying to bargain with us.

"So" I postulated, "There's a secret escape hatch eh?. Seems to me that the fairest course of action for everyone would be for you little fellows to show us the hatch first, maybe open it a little and then we give you the cup or the sweets or whatever it is you're after. Do consider though that we've just slaughtered our way through the entire lower levels of this dungeon and my stunted friend with the silly hat in particular is really in the mood for some more violence so it might be best to make your minds up pretty quickly".

I smoothly loosened the tie round my wand and subtley moved it in to my hand, ready to blast the creatures across the room, should any of them make even a hint of an aggressive move.

How ya doing, buddy?

The dwarf bristled at the insolence of the little creatures. They, with the help of his god, had slain a dragon. What threat were these small things compared to the might of the minions of the dark. Hefting his axe from his shoulder and letting its head thud against the ground with a loud, resounding, threatening, no... INTIMIDATING noise, he glared a hole through the kobold leader.

"Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my cut stick! The twelve-gauge double-sided Slayington. Dungeon's top of the line. You can find this in the kobold killing department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair cutting edge. That's right. Shop smart. Shop Dungeon. You got that?!" He bellowed.

"Now, I strongly suggest you take us to the door before we give you these red herrings. I mean candies."

Use intimidate for fun and profit

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Argumentus could tell that the situation was deteriorating rapidly.

"WAIT!" He yells.

Argumentus makes sure to maintain eye contact with the kobold leader while pointing to the chalice.

"What candy do? Why you want it for?"

Use diplomacy

I was speaking idiomatically.

Motsognir kept quiet, waiting to see how the things reacted to intimidation and diplomacy.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Intimidate: success

The kobold chieftain takes a step back. "Well, the uh... ahem. There is no door. Look, to be honest with you, there is no escape tunnel. Yet. But we're going to make one! But we need the candy in order to do that. Maybe one of my assistants can explain it better; I admit my knowledge of the candy's function is somewhat limited, as we had no expectation of ever actually retrieving it."

He confers with his advisers for a moment, and returns. He looks somewhat shaken.

"After a... a conference with my advisers I've decided that it would be best after all if you took the candy. It would definitely be better for you to use it, I think. Better you than us. Best of luck with the whole thing!"

He thrusts a battered scroll into Gabriel's hands, and at once all the kobolds immediately retreat back into their individual rooms.

The scroll reads:

----

Bibor Fezweg's Good-Time Old-Fashioned Sugar Bombs

NEW! From the gnomish labs at Fezweg's, a new and explosive taste sensation. You'll lose your head over the blast of flavor in every bite of Fezweg's Sugar Bombs!

(WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EAT SUGAR BOMBS. DELIBERATE MISUSE OF SUGAR BOMBS IS A FELONY PUNISHABLE BY HANGING.)

Loaded with flavor (and blasting powder), Fezweg's Sugar Bombs are sure to be a treat for the noisome ogre or troll in your life. Chemically formulated to react explosively with acids of any kind, Sugar Bombs will give these lucky fellows a tummy-rumbling good time they won't soon forget!

(SUGAR BOMBS ARE NOT A TOY. DO NOT INHALE. WASH HANDS AFTER USE. IF ACCIDENTALLY INGESTED, PRAY TO WHATEVER GODS YOU MAY BELIEVE IN. PROXIMITY TO SUGAR BOMBS MAY HAVE DELETERIOUS EFFECTS UPON THE DEVELOPMENT OF UNBORN CHILDREN. KEEP IN A COOL, DRY PLACE.)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Locate hazardous animal

2. Insert Sugar Bombs into hazardous animal's stomach. Sugar Bombs not guaranteed effective against beasts whose digestions do not require acid.

3. Stand well back; Sugar Bombs will begin exploding immediately upon contact with acid. Protective shielding is encouraged. Send proof of purchase from 15 packages of sugar bombs for an official Fezweg-brand eye-protecting steel visor. Visor not proven to provide protection of any kind.

4. Enjoy the fireworks!

Be sure to try the entire line of Fezweg's products, including NEW! Sour Agonizers.


FELIPE NO

After reading the scroll, I got increasingly irritated. "Why ain't you tell us this before we left? We coulda shoved dem candies in 'is stomach and that'd be the end of it! Not't mention makin' us walk all the way back 'ere jes't make us walk all the way back! Y'think this is funny?! That golem ain' have nothin' to eat all day, nothin' proper anyway, and that fancy city lady ain't got no fit shoes fer this work! Jes look at that limp! A'course, I ken take it, but then again it ain't me who's fit to feudin'."

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

"That's easy for you to say now, but what if it doesn't work right?! You'd have all stormed up here half-dead and covered in burns and blamed it all on poor little us. No, we figured we'd just do it ourselves and save you the trouble, but your friend the lumberjack was very insistent. Don't come crying to us when you all die in an explosion!"

The kobold chief turns his back on the party, crossing his arms.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

"Hah! A kobold doing his fair share of the work, that'll be the day!"

I give the chief a resounding kick in the rear end and storm off, eager to get on with it.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Learning of the candies new ability, and the apparent unwillingness of the Kobold to give him something magical for it, Motsognir took out the cup of candy and gave it to Argumentus to hold, figuring he'd be least like to die in an explosion, and also that he'd appreciate holding something shiny.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Hey little guy. Why you have big scaly in cell?"

How ya doing, buddy?

"I don't know! Who cares? I'm not answering any more of your questions, you big jerks! Leave me alone!"

He sniffles. An adviser lays a hand on his shoulder, and he slaps it away. Clearly, the party has hurt the kobold chieftain's delicate feelings.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Argumentus felt bad.

So he moves to give the kobold a big hug!

Grapple

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Okay you successfully grapple the kobold

He seems alarmed but resigned to his humiliation

now what

FELIPE NO

Insult the kobold some more
Declare that his mother was overweight to a large degree
Inform the party that his wife is a woman of ill repute
Suggest that he is not the progeny of his father; rather, that of the milk-bold

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Kobold successfully humiliated

Kobold begins weeping great heaving blubbery sobs

Kobold's nose starts running uncontrollably

Kobold needs a handkerchief

Jam it back in, in the dark.

feels guilty
rips off a part of Bob's new robe, hands it to the kobold

There's nowhere I can't reach.

walks back down to the basement, shaking his head in confusion

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.