[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

"Oh look who's acting like Queen of the Harvest, what while there isn't anything trying to kill us now you're impatient? Go get the Goblin's gear so we can throw it down the talking hole."

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

The dwarf, though amused by the booming voice, decided to head towards the stairwell, yawning away the last vestiges of sleep from the corners of his perception.

"Right then. Onwards, upwards, and away from the Frost Giant, then?"

FELIPE NO

Argumentus spends great effort gathering the left over goblin weapons, swords, and axes, and arrows, oh my! He brings them to the hole and with tremendous effort throws them all in, pointy sides down.

Most amazing jew boots

The dwarf flipped the little packet of rocks to Argumentus, so he could throw that too, and then started down the stairs, adjusting his skulls and his dog. One had to accessorize.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

With nothing left to throw down the hole, I went to join the dwarves by the door. I figured it might be someone else's turn to open the thing though.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

That onslaught outta silence the talking hole. I'll go investigate that there locked door and see if there ain't a way to open it easy.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Unlock refreshed! Open easy!"

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Brigid finds that the doors are indeed opened very easily since they were never locked, not even once in the whole of history have the doors been locked. So she opens them, revealing...

an elderly hobgoblin eating breakfast.

He looks up from his platter of roast beast and gazes blearily at Brigid and the motley crew assembled in the doorway with her, before addressing her in the Goblin language:

"Well, damn! There you are, Ulvig. I send you out to take care of a few orcs, and it takes you a day and a half? Well, as long as the problem's been dealt with. Go ahead and take your prisoners downstairs and then get some rest. You look like crap.

Let me know if you see my spectacles laying around anywhere, will you?"

Most amazing jew boots

Argumentus giggles and mimicks the goblin speech for the party's amusement.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

It's true, I probably could do with a good washing... I glance back at the horde and whisper for them to just play along, then I draw myself up to my full height, and as the new leader of the horde, address my prisoners.

"Follow me, and no funny business. And you," I slug the man-golem in the leg, "you'll get a mighty wallopin' if you don't show some respect!"

I surreptitiously glance around the room as I lead the men to the stairs.

FELIPE NO

I never had got the hang of the goblin language but the child seemed to understand the wizened creature in front of us and wandered off through the room. She said something to us but sadly, I could no more understand her weird dialect than I could the rest of the horde. It seemed odd to me that we had met a creature in the dungeon and not immediately tried to murder it though. I could only assume we were waiting to get behind the beast before slitting it's throat or something. Surely we weren't going to let it live? I mentally prepared for combat...

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

The group meanders into the hobgoblin breakfast nook and are about to pass through a curtain when one of the two armored guards flanking the elderly leader speak up.

"Wait a damn minute. That's not Ulvig at all! Draw steel, men! We're under attack!"

"Wait, wait" says the other guard. "We did this same thing last month, remember? You were convinced it was an 'impostor' because Ulvig was wearing a party hat. And because of that poor Ulvig spent his birthday with a broken arm!"

"All the same", says the first guard, "it can't hurt to be cautious. Ulvig, tell us something that only Ulvig would know."

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Thinking quickly, I said the first thing that came to mind.


"I ate the prom."

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"I knew it", said the guard. "I was saving those prawns for a special occasion, Ulvig. Ah, it's just as well. I always get this rash. What is it about the foul, briny taste of raw prawns that's so irresistible, I wonder?"

He waves "Ulvig" and her "prisoners" on their way, and they pass through the curtain into the hobgoblin barracks before descending the stairs.

The stairs wind gradually down into blackness, and as the party steps back onto a solid floor they find themselves knee-deep in tepid and slimy water. Gabriel's sunrod cuts through the gloom, and as their eyes adjust the group finds them in a massive flooded cavern. Far across the murky waters squats a hulking black reptile, trying in vain to reach a large shard of glass stuck in its left wing. His rocky perch is strewn intermittently with bones and little heaps of ill-gotten loot.

Looking up from his task, the dragon turns and peers in the direction of the stairs and sees the itsy-bitsy humanoids clustered together.

"Ah, Ulvig! Great timing. Come help me with this, will you? Bunch of hooligans up in the temple again today, and... well, me and my lack of opposable thumbs. You know how it is. Bring the snacks with you, hmm?

Oh, and don't mind the skeletons. Their soul cages somehow got smashed open on my head, so they've been wandering around the room giggling and waving their hands in front of their faces. I tell you, Ulvig, this day could not get any worse."

Four human skeletons are indeed skipping back and forth in obvious glee just in front of the dragon's rock. One of them looks at Argumentus, and waves. Two of the others are playing leapfrog.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

"Yeah, Ulvig. Do it."

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

"Pssst, guys" I whispered, "How abouts we sneak back up the stairs, kill the guards when they're least expecting it and maybe find something that might help us kill a dragon?".

Much as I relished the opportunity the get killed by a dragon, I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a nosey about upstairs first.

I was speaking idiomatically.

The dwarf was already halfway back up the stairs by the time that question was answered. He did NOT sign on for dragon slayage. Also, if he was gonna fight a dragon, he was NOT going to get pincer attacked by some fucking blind and dumb goblins.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

That's a mighty big dragon.

I ain't see too much'a him, though, seein' as though I ran with the rest of the party back up the stairs. Reckon the hobgoblins will give us a better welcome.

FELIPE NO

Argumentus waved back at the skeleton, and while the rest of the party inched towards the exit Argumentus struck a sunrod and approached the dragon halfway.

Argumentus could see the dragon in clear pain and became very sad.

"Need hep, scaly?"

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Motsognir stayed behind Argumentus, but he was there, nonetheless. Damn thing was already injured. How hard could it be?

Additional Spam:
Motsognir thought while he inched towards Argumentus. The thought of his heretofore battle-ready party members, well not so much the two women but at least Gabe, turning into quivering pansies had stirred up The Fear in him, and he sprinted after them, leaving the human to die by himself.

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The Horde seemed receptive to the idea of mopping up upstairs before throwing away our lives needlessly taking on a dragon in a full frontal assault and I followed them back up towards the hobgoblins, ready to enlist ourselves some meat-shields.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

4/5ths of the party flee right the hell back upstairs, encountering 2 more alert hobgoblins there than they had seen on the way down. The wizened leader glowers at the group assembled atop the stairwell, and addresses Brigid again:

"Gulrab here just went out for his shift on guard duty. He found Ulvig's body. Now, I don't know who you are or what foul magic you used to so expertly steal poor Ulvig's appearance, but you'll pay for your... your... Gulrab, how were we planning to make them pay?"

"We were going to feed them to the dragon, sir."

"But they were already about to do that to themselves."

The leader ponders for a moment.

"So... return to what you were already doing, or else we'll... look, just go back down. It's early, I'm in no mood."

----

Argumentus creeps toward the dragon, intent on removing the thorn glass shard from its paw wing and thereby becoming fast friends. His plan fails to take into account his role in putting the glass there in the first place.

"Ulvig? Ulvig, where are you... some kind of emergency upstairs, I guess. At least he left some breakfast behind. Come along, little morsel! Come to—"

The dragon's eyes suddenly narrow into slivers, and he hisses. "You."

The beast rises to his full height with a roar, and lunges forward. Argumentus suddenly has a face full of massive claws.

5 damage

"You go through the meat tenderizer first."

The skeletons seem largely indifferent to this display of violence, and gather on the water's edge for an impromptu game of pat-a-cake.

----

Hearing the ear-splitting roar from below, the hobgoblin leader shrugs. "Time's up. Push 'em down the stairs, boys."

BOSS BATTLE

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Initiative: Hobgoblin Soldiers 26, Motsognir 23, Hobgoblin Warcaster 22, Brigid 20, Scary Bob 19, Hobgoblin Archers 18, Black Dragon 14, Gabriel 9, Argumentus 2

The armored hobgoblins advance on the party, shields high.

Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster, Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus

Both the stones around the hobgoblin ladder and the water in the dragon's lair are Difficult Terrain.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

move to square south of Goblin Soldiers
Warlord's favor, benefit to Gabe

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Soggy immediately moves to flank the advancing soldiers, and provides an opportunity for Gabriel to exploit.

14 damage to south soldier. Gabriel gains +4 to attack against same enemy.

Disgusted to see his defensive line already breached, the warcaster strikes his staff against the floor. A ripple goes through the stones beneath Motsognir's feet and flings him backward. Thanks to his stout dwarven frame he manages to resist some of the push, but the landing's still hell on the knees.

10 damage

Brigid, Scary Bob, Hobgoblin Archers, Black Dragon, Gabriel, Argumentus, Hobgoblin Soldiers, Motsognir, Hobgoblin Warcaster

I was speaking idiomatically.

moves south of south soldier
Righteous Brand against south soldier, and for shits and giggles, bonus to Gabe too

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?