The One Shot Joke Thread.

A baker is baking some jumbo muffins. He gets two ready, and puts them in the oven. Once in the oven, one muffin turns to the other and says "HOLY SHIT WE'RE GONNA DIE!" and the turns back and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

A man walkes into his bedroom, holding a sheep, and says "This is the pig i fuck when you say you have a headache." His wife replies, "That's a sheep." At this the husband says "I believe i was talking to the sheep."

Pee-Wee Herman was recently arrested for masturbating in public. Chuck Noris was recently given an award for masturbating in public.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by bradtheman

what five letter word gets smaller when you add two letters?

That word would be "Small".....lol

Ok, Let's try this riddle, it was from before the board crashed, but regardless....

Ok, here's the Scenario...

On 1 island, there are 6 wells (labeled 1- 6) and on another island there is one well (labeled 7). If you drink water from any of the wells, you will be poisoned. You can only be cured if you drink water from a higher numbered well. So For example, if you drink water from well #4, you can only be cured by drinking water from well #5-7. So there is a man on the large island as well as a dragon. They don't like each other so they drew up the terms for a duel. This was that each person would give the other a bucket of water that they had to drink out of. The Man CANNOT swim and therefore, cannot reach well 7. The dragon, on the other hand, can fly over to well #7. So, the dragon, so sure of himself, agreed to the terms. For the duel, the Dragon flies over to Well #7 to get water for the man. They meet back at the large island and swap buckets of water. Afterwards, the dragon goes back to drink the water from Well #7 in order to cure himself of whatever the man gave him. Within a few hours, the dragon is dead and the man is still alive. How does the man survive the poison and the dragon die from poison when he has the ultimate antidote?

How ya doing, buddy?

The only thing I can think of is that the man gave the dragon seawater, so when the dragon went off to drink from the number 7 well, he drank to his death.
The man lived because he took a drink of the lower-numbered poisoned water before drinking the water from the dragon, thus saving him.

I was speaking idiomatically.

That was fast.....but ok.....good job on that.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to let that linger around for a while or something, so people can ponder it over?

I can put the answer in spoiler tags if you want.

By the by, I like riddles. :3

FELIPE NO

Nah, whatever....I'm not sure of many more riddles, so go ahead and post some if you know some good ones...

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Ok, well here is a good riddle for you all:

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

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Might it be pressure?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by josho

Might it be pressure?

Quote:

I turn pancakes brown

Considering this ^ I would think that is the wrong answer.

Also, please give explanations for your answers. I wouldn't want this thread to be cracked down on like the Guess the Anime Screenshot thread.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Although my answer is wrong, i'll explain.

I turn polar bears white = (Higher Atmospheric pressure means slower melinin for a polar bear. Melinin is the pigment that changes colour in your skin/eyes/hair.)

and I will make you cry. = (Could be a result of peer pressure.)

I make guys have to pee = (Pressure of the bladder.)

and girls comb their hair. (Could also be a result of peer pressure.)

I make celebrities look stupid = (Celebrities could feel stressed thus leading to pressure.)

and normal people look like celebrities. = (Peer Pressure could cause this.)

I turn pancakes brown = (Pressure can cause heat and thus heat will turn the pancake brown.)

and make your champane bubble. = (A bubble is the release of air and air pressure.)

If you sqeeze me, I'll pop. = (If you could squeeze say a container of pressurized gas it would explode.)

If you look at me, you'll pop. = (Could also be a result of peer pressure. Everyone staring at you could make you "pop".)

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

If it wasn't for the pancake thing, i would have said wind. But i know this is not holding so...

I was speaking idiomatically.

The hardest part is to see exactly how does one "pop". I assume this is object is tangible since you can hold it, squeeze it, and pop it. How about a hint, packrat?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by packrat

Ok, well here is a good riddle for you all:

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

I'm taking the coward's way out, but after making my brain do backflips, this is what I came up with:

Spoiler:

My answer is "no." The riddle asks me if I can guess the answer and no, I cannot.

...I know, it's kind of stupid, but that's my guess.

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Why Was Santa Nervous At Christmas Time? Because He Has Low Elf-isteem

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Adara

I'm taking the coward's way out, but after making my brain do backflips, this is what I came up with:

Spoiler:

My answer is "no." The riddle asks me if I can guess the answer and no, I cannot.

...I know, it's kind of stupid, but that's my guess.

Makes a valid point. Since I really can't guess the riddle either.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Adara

I'm taking the coward's way out, but after making my brain do backflips, this is what I came up with:

Spoiler:

My answer is "no." The riddle asks me if I can guess the answer and no, I cannot.

...I know, it's kind of stupid, but that's my guess.

You win.

The best part is that in the history of this riddle, most little kids asked it answered it correctly right away, while many Harvard graduates racked their brains for ages trying to figure it out.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

That's ridiculous! Regardless of the fact of being able to solve the riddle or not, you can never have a riddle that has no answer. It's stupid in my opinion.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by han89

Regardless of the fact of being able to solve the riddle or not, you can never have a riddle that has no answer.

What do you mean? The question of the riddle was answered. At the very end of the riddle is the question "can you guess the riddle?"
That question is part of the riddle, and is the only question asked. Whether or not there may be such a thing in the universe that fits all of the descriptions is beside the point. It asks if you can guess it. Period.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Bad joke time:

What do you do if you're ever attacked by a circus?

Go for the juggler!

I was speaking idiomatically.

Yo momma is so fat that when she was born her mom looked at her and said "wheres the cream filling?"

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by packrat

Ok, well here is a good riddle for you all:

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

It's the sun! As in the light.

Polar bears = the light allows us to see the color

Cry = the sun set ventures people to cry because of the esthetic feeling that it's present to the viewers. (personally, I don't think it works on me)

guy's pee = In the morning, all guys have to pee. (unless you're playing wow all night)

women combing their hair = same as the above (beatuify themselves)

celebrities = they already look dumb

regular ppl = same as above but with the twist that they look like them

pancake = The sun can cook pancake for you

wine bubble = boiling wine?

pop = i suppose the sun might pop from being hugged (therotically impossible though)

you'll pop = looking at the sun thru a telescope without the sun shield can pop your eyes.

FELIPE NO

not sun, THE POWER OF GOD!!!

i'll bet it's one of those really lame riddles that has an answer for every line. Which is lame.

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My brother told me this one the other day and for some reason it struck both of us as really funny despite how corny it is:

This bloke was getting on a bit and living alone after his wife died,
and was very sad and lonely. So he went to the pet shop and asked the
assistant for a pet that would keep him company through his twilight
years whilst not needing too much care and attention itself.

The shop assistant said, "I have the very thing, it's quite special
you know," and produced a cardboard box. Inside was a millipede.

"What's so special about that?" asked the man.

"It's a talking millipede," the assistant replied.

The man was mightily impressed and bought the terrestrial crustacean
at once. Later that evening the guy thought, "let's see what this is
all about then," and opened the box.

"Shall we go to the pub then?" he asked the millipede, but got no
reply.

He asked the question again but still his new pet said nothing.

He wondered whether to take it back to the pet shop, but decided to
give it one last try. Looking into the box he asked again, "Oi! Are we
going to the pub or what?"

"Alright, alright," the millipede snapped back, "I'm just putting my
shoes on, for fuck's sake."

Jam it back in, in the dark.

lol at that last joke...lol, took me a bit to get, then I was like wait milipede...lol

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Aoie_Emesai

It's the sun! As in the light.

Originally Posted by whinehurst

not sun, THE POWER OF GOD!!!

i'll bet it's one of those really lame riddles that has an answer for every line. Which is lame.

Did you guys ever bother to READ this page, not much less this thread? I mean, seriously, I told everyone the answer. Why keep guessing on what it is?

Its like asking what happens to Aeris in FF7.

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