[Classic] Manhogan Fantasy V: Because CHz really, really hates himself

MUST BE NICE TO BE ABLE TO DEAL ELEMENTAL DAMAGE

Most amazing jew boots

Archeoaevis's shifting elemental weaknesses aren't a problem when you only deal physical damage. 8)





Okay let's move on, but first, for completely innocent reasons, let's switch Lenna's and Galuf's jobs and make Galuf the Geomancer.



Peeeeeeeeerfect. Cutscene time.











HAHAHAHAHAHA GOODBYE FOREVER GEOMANCER





Manticore hits hard, but also dies really quickly. I wasn't able to keep Butz alive, but Lenna was able to maintain her and Faris's HP.





Purobolos is normally one of the trollingest battles in FFV, because when you kill one, they cast a spell to revive all the dead ones. The normal strat is to use a spell or summon to murder them all at the same time. For obvious reasons, that's not really feasible here.

The dumbest alternative strategy, which I used because I'm dumb, is to take advantage of how they don't have very much MP. If you last long enough, they'll run out of MP and won't be able to revive any more. The fact that they won't revive the others if they kill themselves with Self Destruct also helps. Good thing I had plenty of hi-potions and phoenix downs!





Titan has the most powerful attack at this point in the game, Earth Shaker. It deals 500+ damage to every single member of my level 21 party. Titan uses it as a normal attack, and once more when you kill him as a final "fuck you."

There are several ways to deal with Earth Shaker: steal some Gaia Gear, find a way to get Float on your party, or have White magic on everyone so you can rapidly heal. Unfortunately, all of those strategies I've either missed the opportunity for or were never possible. Soooo, my only options really are to grind up to a million HP or get super fucking lucky.



If you haven't noticed by now, I'm always trying the get super fucking lucky strategy first. It's worked more often than not so far. =DDD







ENJOY YOUR DYING WORLD MOTHERFUCKERS, WE'RE BAILING OUTTA HERE

How ya doing, buddy?

Invisible platforms? Mind. Blown.

I fucking hated this dungeon, mainly because I forgot to stock up on potions before starting and tried to make it through with only 31. Used a lot of lightning scrolls. Ended up using a couple of elixirs too...

One boss fight later and is it new job time?



Maybe not...



Or perhaps it is, yay!



Woot! Chocodecide says Samurai, so I guess I can safely sell those ethers and random chemist bits now.



Nope, I'm the king of the world!

YouTube Video

Haha, Titan is a total pikey, I basically threw money at him once and he fucked off. I feel like one of Lindsey Lohan's PR team.

Edit: Manticore too. Throwing money at things is the new levelling up!

I was speaking idiomatically.

Zeninage is a super cheap ability. Enjoy your get out of jail free card, man. (Until you forget to check your GP before a boss battle.)

Everyone one of the earth crystal jobs is gamebreaking except Dragoon.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I guess this is technically a boss. Rare steal of Gaia Gear is possible off this guy, because I really need one now.









Oh god.





I didn't want this.





I DIDN'T WANT THIS AT ALL





Fled every random encounter like a pro. Gilgamesh battle #1 is also technically a boss battle I guess, but since it's beatable with solo Geomancer, I think it's an insult to actual boss battles to call it that.





Okay we're back.





Gilgamesh #2 is the first legitimate fight in this place, and even then it's a cakewalk until he buffs himself near the end, and EVEN THEN it's easily manageable with hi-potions.





Hey look, it's the undead boss in every Final Fantasy game that you can kill instantly with a phoenix down. I couldn't possibly be stupid enough to



HAHAHA I AM EXACTLY THAT STUPID

FOR THE GLORY OF WHATEVER THE NAME OF THE PLANET THAT WE JUST LEFT WAS



WHAT THE FUCK



Okay phew.

How ya doing, buddy?

The EPIC CHALLENGE of the game has basically melted away in the face of my Secret Ninja Techniques, slowed down only slightly by Having To Endure A Dragoon, so— not much to report. I'm sure things will ramp back up, but for now all I got is this basic status report.



Dual-wielding Berserkers performing Sword Dance are basically like treasure

EDIT: Cancel all smuggery, Fork Tower handing me my ass several times simultaneously

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Have exactly one hour before work. Going to Manhogan.

Most amazing jew boots

CANCEL PREVIOUS ORDER RESCINDING MAD SMUGGITUDE

FURTHER: ADDITIONAL SMUGGERY INCOMING

Real talk, getting White Mage for my first job is basically The Reason This Was Even Possible, Dragoons are some useless shit but it don't even matter what your class is when you can just queue up four dudes in Hermes Sandals to just puke out tons of Holy on the faces of suckas. Not gonna bother with the optional bosses, since all it would get me, apparently, is more weapons.

As I mentioned this was my first real attempt at completing FFV. Last time I tried it was a shoddy-ass translation of the SNES rom, prooooobably before I even joined GFF. Don't think I even got to the first crystal. So, now that I've given FFV its due, I gotta say: I was missing out. Yes, it's a JRPG, with all the linear tedium and grinding that implies, but as JRPGs go: not fucking bad. It's not Chrono Trigger (what is), but it's probably become my second-favorite of the franchise, right behind FFVI. It takes the OH BOY, CRYSTALS plots of the previous games to the logical conclusion and gives the future entries the go-ahead to do new things, since it took the CRYSTALS! idea about as far as it could go.

You done good, Final Fantasy V. You done real good. You were a JRPG I didn't hate.

Might go ahead and get a second run going, see if I can lap y'all.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Were you playing the game sped up or do you just genuinely have a lot of spare time? Honestly just curious here.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Grats Pang. ::brofist::

Damn, bro. I still haven't even gotten to the earth crystal. Gotta hustle up my game.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Fluffykitten McGrundlepuss

Were you playing the game sped up or do you just genuinely have a lot of spare time? Honestly just curious here.

Didn't keep tabs on how much actual time I put in versus what the ingame clock says, but if it wasn't a boss fight or exposition I pretty much had a thumb on the fast-forward button, yeah. Grinding is a lot more tolerable when you can do it at 1000% speed.

(Also the first thing, also, yes)

I was speaking idiomatically.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I HOGAN.

Edit: Let me show you how I abort catastrophic screenshot disaster first.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Gee, uh, thanks guy.





Next year, just put cash in a card. It'll be easier for both of us.





Let's see if this guy is any harder the second time around HAHA NOPE





Spent 15 minutes abusing save states and force-feeding Golem hi-potions for literally no reason.



Cool, this can sit right next to my Ramuh magicite. Too bad I can't transfer this shit to FFVI and get a jump-start on things.





Geomancer has a couple of shockingly useful multi-target Gaia attacks in Drakenvale, so clearing the Dragon Flowers wasn't a problem. Sucked how my dancing Berserker wasted Sword Dance after Sword Dance on the flowers instead of the actual boss though.





Well, it took just one boss battle before Geomancer went back to being a total waste of a party slot again. Despite this, Gilgamesh #3: still a joke.







Abused save states again to get four Reflect Rings off these guys for... reasons.







Fuck, this optional, non-boss fight was harder than I remember. My streak of not wiping broken for an item I can't even equip.





Atomos: kind of a dick. Murders your guys and then devours their corpses. Also infli—

Hold on, I've got an idea.







HAHAHAHAHAHA GOODBYE FOREVER GEOMANCER











Okay, let's start over.



Atomos: kind of a dick. Murders your guys and then devours their corpses. Also inflicts some status conditions to limit your damage output.



Well, TRIES to inflict some status conditions to limit your damage output. Since I don't have to worry about using magic to heal my party members at any point during the game, I'm free to leverage the strategic possibilities of four Reflect Rings.

With that shit taken care of, this is an astoundingly easy fight with a Sword Dancing Berserker.

FELIPE NO

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I HOGAN: ATTEMPT THE SECOND.



Chapter I: The Wind Crystal

Spoiler:

Let's just boot this up here now and-


Oh right. Seeing SE on old FF games still weirds me out for some reason.



Well that's a snazzy lookin title screen there! Haven't played through this version of the game so this should be pretty ballin'.



I feel compelled to get in some sort of Crash joke, just to keep the thread streak alive. Can't figure out where to put it, though.



How do you do!



:flex:



I'm not sure that's how those work.

You guys all know the story by now. We fearlessly abandon the old man and young girl in a dangerous land, but as fate would have it our paths cross again approximately 40 seconds later. That's enough convincing for our hero Biceps, and we join them on their journey.



Ooh!



Better check that shit out!



WHAT THE FUCK



BETRAYAL SPRING



Good thing I have these massive arms to do this heavy thinking.



Not too heavy, though.

Oh well, things work out. Onward!



NOPE.



Time to SHOP.



All right Tule, let's see what you have in store for m-



FUCK



YOU ASSHOLE



Fuck that town anyway, for real. Should have just gone to the wind temple in the first place. I accidentally typed wine temple the first time. I would have definitely sailed there immediately if it existed, because in about fifteen minutes I'm going to need an awful lot of it.



Long story short, this boss is a total joke and I enjoyed using swords while I had the chance.



Lenna begins to make an observation.



Naturally, Butz has to get a word in. Butz is more of an idiot than I remember. Like, actually stupid.



F yeah job time! Let's see what we get here. Come on, monk! Or white mage! Or knight! Or black mage! Or even blue mage!



Naturally.



Probably shouldn't be that excited, you god damn idiot. You have no idea the horrors that await us.



Sigh. That equipment does not seem optimal at all. Jesus christ you are so useless.

Additional Spam:
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I HOGAN, CONTINUED

Chapter II: The Water Crystal

Spoiler:

Our intrepid band of unarmed brigands make their way to the Torna Canal, where horrible calamities do not surely await them.



Faris, Keeper of Armaments.



Look at the wondrous damage! Dagger OP.



Oh SHIT Lenna dealing it out with a massive crit! This damage gonna be-



Well, this venture is going to proceed well.



Karlabos is a total asshole when only two of your characters have weapons, particularly because he somehow seems to know which two those are, and paralyzes only those characters. The upside to this is that with the amount of damage I was taking, I basically needed the other two characters to spend every turn doing nothing but throwing potions anyway.



In the end, we managed to scrape by.



Here we are in the ship graveyard. What a cheery place.



Well if the last fifteen minutes of rampant thievery are any indication, I'll be spending a fair bit of time here while I attempt to grind my way out of weaponless futility.



This will be embarrassingly useful in the future.



This will be useful RIGHT NOW. MUST FARM MORE.



Siren was not too bad, though I only had about 5 potions when I made it to this point. It was a difficult decision whether to use them to prolong my own life or try to kill Siren more quickly. In the end, though, Siren was dead. Along with Faris. RIP.



What strange new lands await us?



Oh, another garbage nothing town. How wonderful. Maybe they have something I can buy to upgrade my pitiful defenses.



LOL NOPE.



BITCH I NEED GEAR I AIN'T GO NO TIME FOR YO FLOWERS



Just gonna practice these scales for a bit and-



Wait, what's that?



SHIT YEAH THIEF PAYING OFF AT LAST

BACK IN TYCOON:

Spoiler:

What's goin' on over there?



Jesus christ come on seeing passages is about all I have going for me right now and it doesn't even work all the time? Fucking bullshit, man.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled mountaineering


I hope they aren't trying to tell me something here.



Let's just keep goin' toward that bridge over there.



Wait what the fuck



What the fuck.



Oh god damn it.



Phew, it's a good thing that I have exactly 4 antidotes.



OH COME ON.



Here's the thing about Magissa and Forza. Normally, you could silence Magissa, and put Forza to sleep. Since I have four god damn thieves I can't do either of those things. Forza's !Tackle ability hits like a god damn truck, so I would like to avoid fighting him for too long if possible, particularly as Magissa will keep shitting all over me with magic, and my only healing is 50 HP potions of sadness.

Magissa starts with 650 HP, and summons Forza at 350. He appears in front of her, which gives her back row status and makes her take half damage from the majority of physical attacks, like the kind of which my entire party is exclusively capable.



I counted HP until she was almost at 350, then waited on everyone to get full action bars and unloaded on her, and got in enough swings to kill her before she summoned Forza. OWNED LIKE HELL.



Sweet Christ, Lenna, could you one time not walk on the poison flowers JUST ONE TIME



Serves you right.



At last, the village of Walse! What interesting inhabitants might await us?



HMM



IT DOESN'T FIGHT BACK OH SHIT THIS IS AWESOME FREE ABP



Okay, back to the quest.



Bitch, I ain't scurred.



He says, to a band composed entirely of thieves.



CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.



Well, I mean I guess it looks a little worrisome, but how bad could this possibl-



OH DEAR GOD



Okay well that should probably have been entirely expected.



I knew there was something I forgot to do.



All right, I'm ready for you this time you asshole.



NOPE.



Just in case I draw Summoner as my next job, I'll swing by and get Shiva.



As I was saying, just in case I draw Summoner as my next job, I'll swing by and get-



-completely annihilated in seconds.



Back in Walse, strange things are afoot at Walse Tower. Let's investigate with the help of the guard!



Apparently by guard, he meant guards. As in two of them.


Garula went berserk, huh. That's weird. I wonder what could have prompted such a drastic change in behaviour.



AHAHAHA FUCK YES GONNA GET SO MANY ABP.



...



DISREGARD CRISIS; ACQUIRE KNIVES



This fight was awful, because once Garula gets down to 800 HP (he starts at 1200) he'll start to counter every attack with up to two physical attacks, which tended to hit my characters for about 90 HP. How the fight proceeded in general was I would attack and hit him for 80, then he would pummel me for a total of about 180 damage, then I would throw a ton of potions around, then he'd Sap me, which is a status effect that gradually decreases a character's HP. I say gradually because it happens over time, but it's actually pretty fucking fast so maybe gradual isn't the best word.



Eventually, victory was mine.



Come oooooooooon not Berserker or Red Mage! For real red mage's !Dualcast is pretty awesome, but since I don't have other casters uhhhhhhh



I am super okay with this because I actually haven't tried out Mystic Knight before.



Shit yeah time for Shiva even though now I'm not gonna have a Summoner so there is literally no point to doing this. But you know what? Fuck Shiva, that's what.



So far so good! Let's put this new-found power to good use.



ALL RIGHT JACKANAPES I AM READY FOR YOU THIS TIME



Okay no big deal, misses happen.



Surely ice will turn out better.



Shit.



SHIT.



YOU'VE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME, JACKANAPES



And thus, the second chapter of our journey comes to a close as we enter this red-hued town. Seeing as I have actual damage output and ability to take a hit now, things shouldn't be as awful. I still can't heal, but whatever. healing is for sissies.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

So next we spend literally fucking hours flying around in circles looking for the meteors that aren't marked on the map and I can't for the life of me remember where they were. On route to the last one, we meet up with an old friend.



He must be hungry by now.

Fartz pours salt on the wound.



FUCK YOU DRAGON.

Transported to a new world of adventure, our first mission is building up a stock of tents. Hell, if the game wants to throw one-hit-kill enemies that automatically drop one at me, a brother's gonna go farming, right?

99 tents later, we use one for a kip.



Lessons for the modern outdoorsman 1

When alone and attacked by a monster, the safest course of action is throwing money at it. Once.



Despite his money ain't a thang approach to combat, the lure of an unattended chest proves too strong for our young hero and we end up captured. Grandad spings us out, we run across a bridge, some bitch jumps out.



Spending our way out of trouble again. FFV? More like the Obama administration amirite?

A bit of a treck past those god damn annoying pink bitches and the party comes across the fabled promise land, the end to all woes, the land of milk and honey.



A spot of gold farming later...



Meet a moogle, save a moogle, completely forgetting to use a phoenix down and doing it the needlessly difficult way, completely ignore moogle's route across the desert, nearly get murdered twice by those fucking head things that reduce everyone to single digit hp with one attack before learning to stay off the sand, find the moogle village then shit gets weird.



Fucking furries.



FUCKING FURRIES.



I think he's saying "Fuck off and leave my treasure alone"



Lol, DANCESERKER ACTIVATE.

Head to King Grandad's castle, clear the joint out of Knight swords and spells we can't use, head off out again. More furries, angry ones this time.



...



Totally not sorry.



FUCK YOU RITUAL.



Probably because nobody fed them.

Additional Spam:
I have to say by the way this is the most fun I've had playing a Final Fantasy game for ages and this thread is legendary already. We've totally got to play something else retarded after this.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Fluffykitten McGrundlepuss

I have to say by the way this is the most fun I've had playing a Final Fantasy game for ages and this thread is legendary already. We've totally got to play something else retarded after this.

As long as the game doesn't have Geomancers in it.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by CHz

As long as the game doesn't have Geomancers in it.

Final Fantasy Tactics 1.3 it is. GEOMANCERS FOR ALL.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by CHz

As long as the game doesn't have Geomancers in it.

Except they're a perfectly valid party member for endgame (and final boss) of FF3DS.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

ACQUIRE ALL SUMMONS







AHAHAHAHAHA HYPERSPEED DANCING BERSERKER ACTIVATE



New party config. I decided just now that I'm going to switch the Dragoon around so I can get Lance on everyone. Gonna experiment and see if it'll work as a supplement to hi-potions. I'm not holding my breath, but we'll see how it goes.







WELL IT DIDN'T HELP HERE

Hardest fight of this run by far. 4 wipes, plus a couple of non-wipe restarts. Brace for words.

Each of these assholes uses a powerful, multi-target elemental attack when they have about 2/5 of their HP left. Two of them are reflectable, hence the Reflect Rings again, but two of them aren't. The non-reflectable attacks do more than 500 HP of damage, and the Crystals are FAST, so it's impossible to heal quickly enough with hi-potions.

The Crystals don't have a whole lot of HP compared to other bosses, so the way to beat this one is to pile on the damage on one at a time, killing them before they have a chance to do the elemental attack more than once. With a Dragoon that takes two turns to Jump and a Berserker with four possible targets, this is nearly impossible to coordinate. I ended up having to heal the BOSS with hi-potions frequently, just to make sure only one was ever using an elemental attack.

I targeted the ones with reflectable attacks first. The reflected spells would inevitably heal the Crystal I was targeting, so it became pure luck: survive long enough for the Berserker to Sword Dance the right Crystal AND have my Dragoon land a Jump to kill it, without the Crystal healing in between.

With just the non-reflectable attacking Crystals left, I didn't have to worry about them healing themselves, so it became a little simpler. I got them near the damage threshold and waited for the Berserker to Sword Dance one. Then, I could send my Dragoon up to land the finisher while keeping my party HP up with the other two controllable characters. Jumping also meant the Crystal wouldn't hit the Dragoon, so when she came back I'd have someone who could revive people if necessary.



Fuck this fucking boss. Probably should've just grinded instead of trying it at level 26.

Guess I'll spoiler this too, although pretty much all screenshots from the rest of the game will spoil this part as well so:

Blah blah scripted battle blah blah blah



lawl Reflect Ring



lawl Reflect Ring



lawl Reflect Ring



lawl Reflect Ring



lawl Reflect Ring





Dang.







I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA OF WHY THEIR ATTEMPTS AT WHITE MAGIC AREN'T WORKING





HAHAHAHAHAHA GOODBYE FOREVER GEOMANCER







Oh for the love of fuck, why is forever never forever.

How ya doing, buddy?

Time for a spot of mountain climbing. Looks like this mountain is full of treasure!



Aka, skip one boss token.



How does this fit in a treasure chest?



Pretty sure they actually have these in Australia.



No worries bitch, I'm loaded.

Totally didn't even bother trying to recruit the Golem thing. The flower was relatively simple, thanks to some effective dancing by the Danceserker and Fartz love of throwing loose change at peasants.

Dragon fixed, we join the Navy.



Was totally going to anyway but thanks for the hall pass dude.



I'M ON A BOAT.

Much hilarity ensues, monsters get killed, Gilgamesh shows his sensitive side.

YouTube Video

But then...

YouTube Video

Luckily the Navy includes a submarine division but there's no sign of Gilgamesh. There is a tower to infiltrate though so off we go.



Considering what a big deal of this the training dude in the first village made, this is the only trapped chest I've found thus far.



FUUUUUUUUUUCK.



Cash Rules Everything Around Me.



Terrible hit rate be damned.



I only had one reflect ring but Atomos went down without too much of a struggle.



So now we remember the dragon.

After a quick visit to the exposition turtle, we find ourselves in



Which lies right next to the forest with THE HIGHEST ENCOUNTER RATE OF ANYTHING EVER. Seriously, it was a fight every four steps or so and I simply couldn't kill things fast enough to stop at least one member of my party getting hit with blind or mini every fight. Item stocks low, we eventually get to the point where the forest burns down and we're aided by furries again.



Fucking furries.



Sure, why not?



Saw this screen a few times. Playing on the original without save states and the last save point being before the fire must have been painful.



Suck a dick, bitches.

Yay, we beat the crystals things!



DOH!

Having fallen for the oldest trick in the book, our valiant teams get their collective arses kicked until the spoiler moment...

Spoiler:

In which a scripted battle becomes effectively a cut-scene. An amusingly long oen thanks to his reflect ring.





AERIS DIES.



Gay.



Super gay.



BUY A FUCKING AIRSHIP ALREADY.

So we head to Exdeath's castle and don't get far before reaching a dead end. Thankfully the King of the Furries is at hand to help.



This is what happens when you pick fights with strangers a fraction of your age, grandpa.



So much bullshit right here. I guess a party with magic users in would cast float and stroll across this. A party of MANHOGAN toughs it out and drinks twenty grand's worth of hi-potions getting across.



Totally no need for this but I felt bad after skipping Golem. Nearly got beat but the reflect ring pays off again...



Further on, we are reunited with an old buddy.



We kick his head in for a bit. Apparently Exdeath think's he's a pussy too.







Let's do this.



If that...



Just press reset now.

Anyway, with a combination of elemental shield use, reflect ring hilarity (I really should have got a full set rather than just one) and throwing at least 40,000 gp at the fucker, Exdeath goes down.

And that for the time being is that.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I MANHOGAN: TOO HOT FOR HOGAN

Chapter III: The Fire Crystal

Spoiler:

Oh man I heard awesome stuff about Karnak's stores! Time to get some stuff!

JUST KIDDING.



GO THE FUCK TO JAIL.

Long story short, Biceps rips the bars out with his bare hands, and then everyone in the castle is cool with us.



For a city that seems to be cool with fucking fires just burning in various places, they are doing an awful lot of freaking out about a bit of fire shooting out of a bit of crystal.



Oh you thought that first one was the Crash joke? Please, I am not so subtle.



Well anyway let's check out this stupid fire boat I guess.



I guess I'm not really allowed to complain about thief anymore, but it's still cool to have it become more useful.



Especially because I still can't heal.



So you know what that means?



STEAL ALL THE HI-POTIONS!



THANKS BITCHES LOL



Anyway this jerk threw some fire bullshit at me and it turned into a man made out of fire.



Little does he realize that I command the relentless, unfathomable power of winter itself.



Well, it sometimes relents.



Now and then.



Oh COME ON guys it's like you aren't even fucking trying anymore.


Real talk, the hand is immune to ice but nigga I don't even give a FUCK that's what Faris is for.



Eventually Faris the no-damage thief landed a hit, and the battle was won.



Of course, that is always how these things go. I'm sure there's a good reason the wind temple didn't explode, and the water tower sank into the sea.



Wait what is this Metroid bullshit?



Essentially I ran around, opened a bunch of boxes, stole a bunch of elixirs, grabbed another sweet elven mantle, and got a new knife for Faris, the LOL MISSED ME Gauche.

I sort of dawdled a bit, and this asshole took forever with his damn transformation speech, and I made it out of the fight with mere seconds to spare.



And almost blew up.



Like that.



Come ooooooooooooooooooon something that doesn't generally suck as bad as Geomancer (aka every other fire crystal job available).



YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, REST OF GAME, YOU WILL PERISH

FELIPE NO

Chapter IV: How to Do Relatively Little in Many Pictures

Spoiler:

As we left off last time, Cid seemed to be a little down on himself. God, he could be anywhere. Where would I go if I were feeling the weight of creating the engines that would potentially end the world?



Oh, right.



I guess I’ll go check out this library that everyone’s talking about now that I totally obliterated the massive ramparts that were the city’s only defense against the encroaching monster hordes.



Run into some exotic creatures on the way.



Huh I wonder what that do-



OH JESUS CHRIST



Of course they have. I know how this goes.



WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT I AM NEVER READING A BOOK EVER AGAIN HOLY SHIT :incomprehensible screaming:



Well I don’t have a Summoner but I guess that’s okay.



Relentless winter, etc.



Told off, basically.



Proceed through the nightmare of Reading Rainbow and reach this demon-lookin’ asshole.



Way to halve the MP of my Thief, the only character currently in my party that doesn’t use MP you genius. No wonder you’re fucking dead.



DEAD.



So Cid’s feeling better and fixes up the fire boat, and Biceps has apparently learned a lot about how to drive a ship since his previous failed attempt way back in the beginning. I guess he is capable of learning things after all, evidently.



Now that we have once again regained our ability to traverse the globe, let’s go check out some of these other towns!

Spoiler:

...

Spoiler:

Forget this place, I’ll take my chances in this dangerous cave everyone’s talking about.



Squirrels? From outside the wind temple? This is this treacherous cave of treasure but also death? Level 1 squirrels?



Incisor?



HAHAHAHAHA man this place is a joke, obviously I’ve overleveled given the sheer destructive power wielded by my triad of Mystic Knights.



Holy shit that’s a lot of switches. How do I know which one to pick? Obviously the danger isn’t from the critters roaming the area, so maybe it’s traps? There are a lot of choices. What if only one is right? I don’t like these odds at all. What if I-oh.



More of these squirrels to waste my time. More games need a similar mechanic to Earthbound, where you just automatically win against opponents that you greatly outclass. Would take away so much of the tedium.



Incisor, please. I’ve seen your kung fu.



OH JESUS CHRIST



YOUR NOBLE SACRIFICE WILL NOT BE IN VAIN, BRAVE GALUF



God damn it



I should have left that son of a bitch to rot in jail. DAMN IT.



Not much else to do here so I guess let’s go check out this town just south of us.



What a quaint little forest village.



CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.



WATAP SHEEP BRO



I suppose I deserved that.



Oh sup LeHah circa 2010, hang in there bro. She has a kid with some 15 year old-lookin' chump in a year or something anyway, you dodged a fuckin' bullet dude.



Man I started off as four thieves, beating up old people is my fuckin’ jam.



TIME TO DIE, GEEZER



Well. That was unanticipated.



Oh. Right. (Coral swords inflict lightning damage, which Ramuh absorbs. Fortunately for me, three of my four characters have them equipped. Fuck yeah, planning.)



Welp, there’s one town over there we haven’t been to yet; let’s take a peek.



STOP SHAKING, WORLD.



Wow, that attitude was not at all called for.



Well I can’t do anything here so I guess I’ll just take off th-



WHAT



GOD DAMN IT



Hey, man, thanks for the heads up AFTER MY SHIP IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING SEA.



THIS TOWN IS FULL OF ASSHOLES

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Oh man, check out this lava here. Normally it would hit all your characters for 50 HP a step, but it's Geomancer's time to shine!



This is one of the two or three places in the game where this Geomancer ability is useful! Finally Geomancer, you are earning your keep.



WAIT I CAN'T EVEN EQUIP THIS

GEOMANCER YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT





LEAVE NO SUMMONABLE MONSTER UNMURDERED





Time for another Gilgamesh beatdown. This guy is just having the worst week.





Simply the worst.





Mastered Lance on Lenna too, so I switched jobs again. I would make Krile the Dragoon next because she still needs the skill, but the next fight could be even worse than Crystals, so every point of Strength helps, maybe.





Reflect Rings on everyone again. This is arguably not a great move initially because in his first phase he uses mostly physical and non-reflectable attacks, so keeping the Elven Mantles on everyone might help mitigate more damage on average. However, in the second and third phases he'll start casting spells and basically kill himself for me, so I definitely want those on. The hard part is surviving that long.

There's no real strategy here besides having everyone heal and revive constantly and moving everyone back into the back row when he pulls them out.



Neat, I survived that long! I honestly was not expecting that at all.





Now that that battle's over, I'm free to move Krile to Dragoon. This is actually really convenient for some stuff that's going to happen in a minute.





These dancing assholes prevent me from talking to Thief Faris and Geomancer Lenna, so Butz gets to escort around a teenage girl dressed up in a dragon corpse while they sit on thrones and be all lordly. What a raw deal.





And here's why Krile's a Dragoon. Although this fight is super easy and would probably be doable even with Thief & Geomancer.







All right, what's her face is back, cool. We missing anyone? Did we have a fourth class?









Naw, I'm probably just imagining things.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Fuck it, let's get back on the horse.



ALREADY OFF TO A GREAT START



Surprisingly useful, since it does back-row hits at full strength. YOUR AMBUSHES MEAN NOTHING, I HAVE HULK HANDS



Sarcasm isn't really helping.



REJECTION



Hahahahhaaa totally got her the third time though



Magissa and Forza go down no problem, though. Having a class that can actually figure out how to wield a damn sword is so refreshing.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by CHz

22:44 <+Tritoch> For $12 you can get FFTA costume versions of the jobs
22:44 <+Tritoch> Because fuck it, FFTA sprites must be in all Square games now

Can't stop laughing at this.

I've never gone through FFV but as luck would have it, a local retrogaming store got in both the FF Anthologies and FF Origins for $12 a shot, so they're now in my "to do" pile thanks to this thread of hilarity.

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