The One Shot Joke Thread.

"Daddy daddy daddy, Guess what I want to be when I grow up?"
"Shut up boy, you've got Cancer."

There's nowhere I can't reach.

FannKiba:
Correct, because there's no way you could drop an egg on to a hard roof like that and expect it not to break.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Moon

Helloween:
Nope. There is something rather interesting about them besides the fact they don't make sense.

The first letter of each sentence spells out H-E-L-L-O?

If thats the joke, I feel really really gyped. ;_;

How ya doing, buddy?

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

I was speaking idiomatically.

How many boring people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler:

1

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Just some random riddles.

1. Do they have a fourth of July in England?
2. How many birth days does the average person have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. Where are potatoes grown?
5. Divide 30 by a half and add 10. What is the answer?
6. If you have 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
7. A clerk at a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
8. On what side of the cup does the handle belong?
9. What weighs more, a pound of pennies or a pound of dimes?
10. What is it that people who make it don't want it; the people who buy it don't use it; the people who use it don't know it?

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Lythial

Just some random riddles.

1. Do they have a fourth of July in England?
2. How many birth days does the average person have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. Where are potatoes grown?
5. Divide 30 by a half and add 10. What is the answer?
6. If you have 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
7. A clerk at a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
8. On what side of the cup does the handle belong?
9. What weighs more, a pound of pennies or a pound of dimes?
10. What is it that people who make it don't want it; the people who buy it don't use it; the people who use it don't know it?

1. Yes, they have a fourth of July everywhere that uses the Roman calendar, but it's not celebrated as "Independence Day" except in America.
2. Just one - when they're born.
3. All of them.
4. Underground.
5. (60 / 1/2) + 10 = 70
6. Two apples.
7. He weighs meat.
8. Cups have handles? Well, I'd assume you mean mugs and say the outside.
9. They both weigh the same - one pound.
10. A coffin.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I did mean cups..as in teacups XD but mugs work too.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

So a "male" robot and a "female" were screwing, and the male robot was yelling "OOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!" The female robot said, "What's wrong?" The male robot said, "I busted a nut."

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives
If you ask your husband to pick up five items from the shops and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noted.

The Salary Axiom
The pay rise is just enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries
There are no answers only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Carrier Bag Law
The chocolate bar you planned to eat on the way home from the supermarket is hidden at the bottom of the carrier bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment
When leaving work late, you will go unnnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet the boss in the car park.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by a_fly_on_the_wall

5. (60 / 1/2) + 10 = 70

Sorry, this is wrong.
It should be 130.

60/(1/2)=60*2=120

120+10 = 130

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by a_priori

Sorry, this is wrong.
It should be 130.

60/(1/2)=60*2=120

120+10 = 130

The original question was divide 30 by a half and add 10....I think they put 60 by accident. Jumping the gun, so to speak.

70 is the correct answer - the solution should read 30/(1/2)+10=70

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Lythial

The original question was divide 30 by a half and add 10....I think they put 60 by accident. Jumping the gun, so to speak.

70 is the correct answer - the solution should read 30/(1/2)+10=70

Yeah, I jumped the gun when I posted "60". I meant "30". I'm weird sometimes, I guess.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Lessee...

Ah I think I got one:

Take a random number. Doesn't matter which one! The answer is always the same!

Now, solve this question:

(insert your number here) * (same number) + (same number) / (same number) - (same number) = ???

Spoiler:

The answer is always 1, no matter which number you take!

Example:

3*3 = 9. 9+3 = 12. 12/3 = 4. 4-3 = 1
5*5 = 25. 25+5 = 30. 30/5 = 6. 6-5 = 1
8*8 = 64. 64+8 = 72. 72:8 = 9. 9-8 = 1

Strange huh?

FELIPE NO

Why do blondes wear underwear?

Spoiler:

To keep their ankles warm.

How ya doing, buddy?

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."

Also:

Two blonde bank robbers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car, down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."

"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat..."

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Moon

6. Consider a record spinning on a record player. Take two points on the record, one close to the center and one on the edge of the record. Notice that the point on the edge is travelling a larger distance in the same amount of time than the one in the center, so it's speed is greater. Yet the velocity of the disc is the same regardless of what two points you pick on the disc. How is this so?

The velocity is the same, not the distance, and the turntable remains rotating at 33RPM.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Piano

The velocity is the same, not the distance, and the turntable remains rotating at 33RPM.

I don't believe that is a sufficient answer. (no offense)

The proper answer would be that the Angular Velocity of the points remains the same.
However, the Tangential Velocity of each point varies, as it is a function of the radius and the Angular Velocity, and the radius varies.
The reason why there appears to be a discrepancy in distance travelled between the 2 points is because angular measurements are in terms of angular measurements, wheras distance is measured in terms of physical lengths.

In other words, it is a confusion of terminology.

Most amazing jew boots

This riddle is based on actual history. As a matter of fact, it is more of a history test than a riddle.

The time is early 1600s, in Febuary, in London, England.

A mother and her child are travelling by foot through the rain looking for shelter. They take refuge in a local hotel where they are greeted by a dignified gentleman who is the receptionist. He states that the only vacancy is one small room, with a small bed. He also mentions that their is a hotel about two kilometers down the road that may have vacancies. The mother decides to board the child in the small room, and she will make the extra trek through the rain to the other hotel for rest.

The next day, the rain has let up, and the mother walks back to the hotel where she left her child. She comes back to the same hotel, sees the same dignified receptionist, and asks to see her son. The man looks at the mother with a puzzled look and says "You want to see who?" The mother explains that the previous night, she brought in her child, their was only vacancy for one, and she left her child there. She even went to the room where she left her son, but found the room to be completely empty of everything. No more bed, sheets, carpet, nightstand, bible, etc.. The man told her that the room was never made to be a hotel room, and was being used as extra storage space.

To say the least, the mother was crushed, but the big mystery is, what happened to the child?

hint:

Spoiler:

The mother is not crazy, London has nothing to do with Silent Hill, and the child died of hypothermia.

answer:

Spoiler:

During the early 1600s, the Bubonic plague was almost forgotten, but everybody wanted to keep it that way. The truth is, the child died of hypothermia from the freezing rain. The hotel owner, fearing that the child's death would be blamed on the Bubonic plague, disposed of the dead child and everything inside the room and denied all history of the specific hotel room to retain his hotel's reputation. Everything in the room was burned in the hotel's furnace, including the page of the log book where the child was recorded checking in.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Which way is the spinner spinning?


Also, a humorous story:

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Expertgamer

Lessee...

Ah I think I got one:

Take a random number. Doesn't matter which one! The answer is always the same!

Now, solve this question:

(insert your number here) * (same number) + (same number) / (same number) - (same number) = ???

Spoiler:

The answer is always 1, no matter which number you take!

Example:

3*3 = 9. 9+3 = 12. 12/3 = 4. 4-3 = 1
5*5 = 25. 25+5 = 30. 30/5 = 6. 6-5 = 1
8*8 = 64. 64+8 = 72. 72:8 = 9. 9-8 = 1

Strange huh?

You need more parenthesis, as division takes precedence over addition. Don't they teach Order of Operations in math classes any more? The correct syntax is (n * n + n) / n - n

And it works because of a simple algebraic simplification. (n*n + n)/n is n + 1. (n+1)-n = 1.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler:

3.
One to do it, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

FELIPE NO

If anyone listens to the KTU joke-off on radio station 103.5, you'd know this one. I just changed it a little.

Quote:

What do you call mayonase poured into a sink?

Spoiler:

Sink-o de mayo.

And for one out of my own pathetic attempt:

Quote:

What was Columbus called when he discovered true love for the first time?

Spoiler:

A "Foolish" Conquistador. Get it? Foolish? Spanish? Explorer? Conquistador? (Okay, so he wasn't Spanish, nor a conquistador, but Columbus lived around the times those 2 things paralleled each other in presence.)

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

One day a woman travels away from home on a work and leaves her mother and cat in the care of her husband.

A week later, when she remembers she has a husband back home, she calls him.

W: How is the cat?
H: How is the cat? Isn't there any hello my dear caring husband, how are you , what have you been doing in my abscence...etc?
W: Yeh, yeh! Whatever. How is the cat?
H: She died!
W: What? She died? How could that be? I left everything for her. Oh God! Now you ruined my stay and you made me sad. You could have told me that she was walking on the balcony or something like that and leave the bad news when I come back!
H: What can i do now? I told you so take it!
W: Ok now, how is my mother?
H: Well, let us say that she is just...walking on the balcony!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

what five letter word gets smaller when you add two letters?

There's nowhere I can't reach.