[DnD] GW URBX: 20! EVERYONE IS EXPLODE

Skills is being actively harassed through this process right now so Rychord we'll be waitin' on you.

Once Rychord has posted, if you needed a new sponsor and didn't pick it a terrible one will be assigned to you. Probably something about linens.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

It seems my Procrastinatron 4MEGA bio-augment has temporarily broken down, so here is that two-part post that shall bring further clarification upon the wtf of double vampire, and the elements of my window shopping 2014 tour. (now with 100% less windows)

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Before the biggiest of things that changed all the things, a certain strand of genetic mutation had begun to appear in humans and humanoid beings which, when it became active, caused degeneration of most of their vital functions and led to many premature deaths. A side-effect of this mutation were occasional surges in aggression where the individual's abilities were temporarily heightened in inverse proportion to the advancement of their genetic malfunction.

At first this phenomenon was ascribed simply to a form of dementia brought on by the trials that are associated with such loss of autonomy. It was eventually found that although the nature of this malady was genetic, it was possible to correct it using a focused attack on the individual's bloodstream, using a specific virus deemed the 'Vlad Cell', during one of their aggression outbreaks. The only catch was that this virus could only live long enough outside an infected individual's bloodstream if it was hosted inside the mouth of another, non-infected humanoid creature.

When it came time to decide wether these individuals should simply be hunted down, or if there should be an initiative to try and cure them, a great divide became evident amongst those with the decision making power at the time. What was proposed in the end to reconcile both sides in the argument was a program which would implant the virus into the most skilled fighters in the world and set them upon a mission to either cure the infected, or bring them down in cases where the mutation had advanced too far for it to be safely attempted.

Esperansita Mamara, a half-human, half-elven beauty, was one such fighter, having spent her life as a mercenary working with the Companions of the Shadow, a group of highborn elven assassin-thiefs which focused on the killing of high-value targets through subterfuge. Mamara was admitted even though her blood-lineage was unpure as she had shown greater potential than any other individual before her in her previous deeds and scores. Self-trained in the arts of seduction, silent-approach, and close-quarters combat, Mamara was the ideal candidate for the program. For years, she completed every mission successfully and her ratio of cures-to-kills was above any other operative's. It is during this period of time that she earned her moniker, "The Suck Queen".

As the number of infected started to dwindle, the question arose as to what should be done with the surviving operatives, as the side-effects of the virus were as of yet unknown. What had been remarked, however, was that a number of the operatives had begun succumbing to a their own form of dementia, and many of them had gone rogue before meeting their demise at the hands of their brethren. When the authorities responsible for policing the ranks took the decision that it would be safer to simply neutralize all remaining operatives once the threat of the mutation had been visibly eradicated, Mamara was one of the individuals who became a target for termination.

Her time spent on the run came to a brutal end when she was confronted by a group of her colleagues from the Companions of the Shadow, and she was left in a near-death state by her former allies. As she was laying in a pool of her own blood in an abandoned warehouse, a group of cloaked figures came and took her remains away. A great void is all that Mamara remembers of the following days and weeks, but when she awoke, she found that her former infected operative colleagues who were believed dead were standing around her, though something about them had changed. They had all taken on a distinctly pale and blueish complexion, and they seemed much more perceptive than she remembered. It was explained to her eventually that the virus which had been implanted into them had a much greater impact on their genetic structure than had been anticipated, and any individual whose genetic material contained at least some elvish blood would be reborn upon death as an entirely new genetic entity, deemed the vryloka by those in the know. They also informed her that the highborn-elves had somehow been made aware of this fact, and that they had secretly made it their duty to eradicate what they considered to be an aberration of nature.

It was soon after this that the world cataclysm took place, and only a select few vryloka survived to continue their battle against their former kin. Mamara joined the URBX expeditionary force in hopes of gathering as many ressources as possible to bolster their forces, as well as scope out possible new recruits from within the ranks of the world's greatest (also dumbest) fighters.

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And now for some window(less) shopping!


A very tiny bike!

Mechanics: allows for charging into melee around a maximum of two obstacles. Maybe an attack roll penalty is in order.


Very british booze!

Mechanics: used as Molotovs or to build courage[whatever that means].


Pizza Cone'zas!

Mechanics: used with a special adapter for the t-shirt cannon, these allow the setting of fires directly in the stomachs of the targets.


The amazing detecto-spoon of Mr.Froyo!

Mechanics: sorta like the orc-seeking blade in LOTR, it glows shit-brown when elves are nearby.


Furry Familiars!

Mechanics: They distract the enemy for a time, thus granting CA against all enemies adjacent to the square they are sent to.

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And finally, a new sponsor has appeared!


The Relay for Sucking for Life

A non-profit group that raises awareness to the cause of people being judged for their gothy vampire like lifestyle. They have no clue about the existence of the vryloka (aka real vampires), they just think vampires are soooooooooo hardcore.

Most amazing jew boots

A former world-class super-assassin trained in the arts of stealth and murder using a t-shirt cannon as her primary offensive weapon. Dying.

I was speaking idiomatically.

T-shirt cannon accidents are a much more prevalent cause of death than most people would believe. Taco cannons are just delicious though.

Also useful for smuggling dem drugs.

AND yada yada misdirection.

YouTube Video

Skip to 2:13 for this one

YouTube Video

Additional Spam:
Ehhhhhh one more:

T-shirt gatling gun f-yeah!

Additional Spam:

YouTube Video

Additional Spam:

YouTube Video

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Was looking at Diss' character intro at the beginning of the thread before starting on updating his sheet, and I learned a lot about Sven's cultural heritage.

Quote:

Soon, he would return to the mountains with the dwarven secrets and he would earn the loftiest and most impressive of honorifics his people had ever known.

Probably a penis.

How ya doing, buddy?

It's cast in gold and encrusted with dazzling gemstones.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

PROBLEM SOLVED

[00:30] <+Disslaptop> Skills finish your mutant shopping.
[00:30] <@a_lurker> Yeah I can't argue with that.
[00:31] <@a_lurker> OH MY GOD SKILLS STILL ISN'T DONE
[00:31] <@a_lurker> IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE I WAS LAST MADE AWARE OF THIS FACT
[00:31] <@a_lurker> JESUS DUDE
[00:31] <+Air_Wreck> wut?
[00:31] <@a_lurker> ok I'll do Skills' shopping for him
[00:31] <+Bruce_Wa> Giant toad... pinball... angry goat.. gummi Dune. Ok. Lies avoided.
[00:31] <+Bruce_Wa> Yes! Please do. He has $925 to spend.
[00:31] <@a_lurker> he wants lamp sockets.
[00:32] <@a_lurker> Leviton Solid Brass Shell, W/Uno Thread, Turn-Knob Socket With Antique Key - Light Sockets - Amazon.com
[00:32] <@a_lurker> like this.
[00:32] <@a_lurker> $925 worth of lamp sockets.
[00:32] <@a_lurker> actually fuck that one, this is a third of the price: GE 3-Way Lamp Socket, Gold 54372 - Light Sockets - Amazon.com
[00:32] <+Bruce_Wa> That sounds extremely fair.
[00:32] <@a_lurker> ok done
[00:32] <@a_lurker> Hit me up whenever you need me to make stupid decisions on someone else's behalf
[00:33] <+Bruce_Wa> EXCELLENT
[00:33] <+Disslaptop> Skills you've finished shopping.
[00:34] <+Bruce_Wa> This is even better than Shin's shopping list, and that just boiled down to HOWEVER MUCH BOOM I CAN GET
[00:34] <@a_lurker> Dude, proper lighting is incredibly important.
[00:35] <@a_lurker> I mean, what if the party gets stuck in a hotel where all the lamps are broken
[00:35] <@a_lurker> now you can fix them!
[00:35] <+Bruce_Wa> True. I put them in the dark and Skills reacted by starting a grease fire, so hopefully we can forestall that sort of thing happening again
[00:35] <@a_lurker> I'M HELPING \o/

Jam it back in, in the dark.

So remind me again who we've been waiting an entire month for them to sort their lives out?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

You, uh, you're technically waiting on me now, I suppose, largely because Obsidian Portal fucked everything up and I had to reconfigure a bunch of shit and anyway I'll try to get the last character sheet update done tonight

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

OKAY!

Sven Esperansita Jill Flopflap Cliff

You may notice some changes. Most of this is in the form of giving you more options and resources because giving you more rope to hang yourself with is funny to me. You have a Background now, which is tied to any actual character background you've bothered to give me (which is sometimes precious little, but here we are). Right now the backgrounds just give you additional powers, some of them will do other things later.

Your shopping's done; if something required the fence, it cost an additional $50 in fees. If you asked for something and didn't get it at all, you couldn't afford it (sorry, Rings of Protection aren't cheap).

Healing Surges! They're back! In extremely limited form! I don't know if any of you even have powers that would let you access them, oh dear.

Your "primary" sponsor now gives you a bonus feat. You can switch which of your sponsors gets the place of honor if you want and see if you like the new feat any better, but I wouldn't try it mid-Xpedition.

Your "URBX" skill, which was never really clear on what it did, is now "Resources", which represents the strength of your network (excluding Melancholy of Perfection itself). You don't have the Mechanics skill to shut down this security droid? Not a problem, get your phone out and have somebody walk you through it. Don't know what's up with all these paintings of weird masks? That's OK, your roommate loves that dumb shit.

(This is not intended as a blanket "use instead of your shitty skills" skill; no amount of advice is going to get you past a sleeping guard if your Skulduggery is a 1, and your contacts are no more infallible or unselfish than you are.)

If there's anything I've missed or you have any other questions, shoot.



"Grunkrieg here. Hope you've all healed well, because if we don't get you back on TV soon we're all going to be in breach of contract. They're pretty serious about that pound of flesh thing. There have been a few, uh, what's the term... right. Inadequately Prepared Expeditions lately, so we've actually got more sites than squads on the table right now. Take your pick:

A: Some kind of trouble on, or maybe in or under Mt. Hood... out west in Cascadia. Dragons maybe, or some kind of infiltration from our ever-peaceful northern neighbors. Crossing the Rocks around Mt. Hood is getting to be a pain in the ass, and Cascadia needs as many merchant routes as it can get.

B: Dwarven ruins under Klugman's Dome down south in the Smokies. Probably just a basic retrieval gig, gather up the loot and go home. Some kind of old urban legend about a devil and a massacre in the briefing here, but who believes in that shit? Oh, and some kind of cursed hammer they want taken down there and destroyed in the very fires which created yada yada.

C: As you know, our border with San Huitzilopochtli — forgive my pronunciation — is less than entirely secure, but Texico is more than capable of handling their own problems with hostiles. Problem is, a recent kerfuffle with some giants has turned the official border crossing into a tunnel. Not in itself a problem, except for all the stirges. Texicans don't like fights they can't win from 500 yards by leaning on a trigger, so somebody needs to get in there and sort things out for them. Might actually be some refugees still stuck in there if you're in a do-gooder sort of mood.

Let me know within the week or there's gonna be trouble. Louie loves ya, but he loves having two hands even more."

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

"I, Sven, have a fondness for smokies! They are delicious! Hahahahaha! Additionally, I am aware that Dwarves make particularly impressive ruins! We should go to the Dome of Klugman!"

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Seeing as none of these locations seem likely to contain either tennis balls or squirrels, i shall follow the rest of the team.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Dwarf fortress every time. Dwarves brew good liquor.

FELIPE NO

"Hmmm. No elf hunting gigs huh? I wouldn't mind going for a hike up a mountainside to hunt some dragons instead. And those pointy-ears ARE known for their love of old scaly things, so that's where my money is.

Otherwise, I GUESS we could go underground again. No easier place to get the jump on something than in a dark ruin after all..."

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Flopflap twists his many appendages (arms and...other things) into the shape of a balloon dwarf, hopefully indicating his desire for hammer time.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

That has to be the quickest decision made in the history of GFF DnD.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'll just be over here, waiting until the end of the round to act as is my m.o.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

what kind of strength check do I need to push those giant statues over

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Team End Piece AND Team Shave

I'll just be over here, waiting until the end of the round to act as is my m.o.

At current rate of play that will give you something to do after Christmas dinner.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by [UNWANTED GRUNTING]

what kind of strength check do I need to push those giant statues over

You would need a Fitness check of, oh, I don't know, 25

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

If he fails miserably, I'm totally omega-ing that sucker.

FELIPE NO

He chose 25 because it's literally impossible. the highest I can get is 24.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Yes, but in so doing he actually defined the DC of the action.

How ya doing, buddy?

Skills please don't try to wait until the statues become weathered and brittle enough for you to push them over.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Uh, how much death did Hawkeye just produce exactly? I wanna make my move but I have no clue what is still standing or not...

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.