Long Distance Relationships

*Note: My goal for this is a general topic discussion, not an advice thread.

I won't be afraid to admit, I'm no stranger to long-distance relationships. Been there, done it, still sucks, that type of thing. Some works, some were just bittersweet memories in the end. I've come to discover that being in love from a difference has a lot of variance from person to person, relationship to relationship.

For example, a relationship starting when you were still a teenager in college when you _just_ started dating each other after Sadie Hawkins in your senior year of high school and you went to college in a completely different state--is obviously going to differ drastically from when you're 25, you've been dating the person for few years, maybe even thinking about getting married but the job pulls you apart.

Yeah, yeah, very specific examples at very different maturity levels, I know. But you get the gist of the example I put there. *points to above hideous paragraph*

So, if you've been (or are) in one, what are/were your thoughts, what did you learn, and how do/did you deal with it.

my experiences:

I'm coping with mine by re-establishing myself as a single person first. I've had to re-learn how to have fun on my own, re-learn how to spend a lot of time alone and actually enjoy it. Not that bad once you get over the "hmm, oh hay where's my boo to cuddle with" and "wahhhh lonely!" feeling. Once that's through, it's all about finding comfort in keeping myself busy. I find that since I hate my job and I feel like my brain rots there, I've been having to focus my energy during my free time at night spending more family time visiting mom and sis or brushing up on knitting skills. Maybe even learn a new song on the piano. Or finally get through that fucking emulator DQ-V I've been stuck on lvl 35 for the last year and a half or so.

Whatever the case maybe, that's the gist of how I handle myself. Dealing with the other person? I try not to think about it too much. I let luck take my hand on when I get to talk to him, since I like to believe he's just as anxious to see/hear from me as much as I, so if I can't get to a webcam for whatever reason, I have to understand that the same goes for him too.

p.s., shameless plug:

I found that Lovingfromadistance.com is a great resource for random stuff for long-distance relationship couples to do--found some great ideas there. I won't go as far as buying those t-shirts from BoldLoft.com, but thinking of fun things to do as a couple away from each other in a fun way definitely helps ease the magnitude of separation anxiety.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I did the long distance relationship thing a lot through late high school and into college. It CAN work, but I think it depends on your social situation locally. At first I had no problem with them, other than the lack of physical affection, but it was something to overcome and would be eventually taken care of. Hell, my first time was with someone I was in an LD relationship with. She came to visit for a weekend . However, as my local social circles began to grow, it became harder and harder to focus attention on a relationship in which I had no physical interaction.

I don't think I could pull off a long distance relationship at this stage of my life anymore. At least not right now. Once school is over, maybe, but I've grown too attached to the physical aspect of relationships that I think it would drive me nuts. Plus my life is usually pretty busy outside of school.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I've been in two long-distance relationships and what I've found is surprisingly, I'm alright with it. I'm quite an independent person anyway so as long as we manage to visit each other on a reasonably regular basis and we also keep regular contact outside of that, I can cope.

What I've learned is to figure out the dependence or investment of the person you are going into one with. My first was not invested in the relationship, so I ended up pretty much cut off from him until he decided he could spend five minutes of his time talking to me (usually via IM and then only when he wanted something from me), then nothing asides from the odd text for weeks. It was nothing short of soul-crushing and despite how well I can trundle along by myself, I like to know I'm actually still *in* a relationship. My second was very dependent on me and I found it suffocating. Phonecalls at least 3 times a day, if I didn't pick up he called my friends or family to make sure I was okay or get into contact with me that way, and pretty much every time he did call he told me how much he missed me . This inbetween IM conversations and texts and him coming back to visit every weekend and crashing at my place. He lived 100 miles away from me and I still felt I needed some space >.<

I suppose though, the only way to gauge the other person in such a way is to get into a long distance relationship with them in the first place.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

We've been apart for most of our relationship, whether it's just neighboring cities or something bigger. Now we're on different outskirts of Europe. And we're doing fine in the long run. There are difficult days that don't really depend on the relationship that much. Bad days, and other things like that.

It just requires two people who are reasonable and not crazy obsessive or the other polar opposite. Or bipolar. Can't work with that.

My significant other is a little bit on the clingy side, definitely not anything serious, though. And I'm very much a lone wolf. I really need my space and time alone. We've managed to establish rules on how much attention craving or silence can be had before the other one becomes worried about the sanity of things. I guess it's not a big deal being apart if you know the other person. Sometimes compromises have to be made.

One "sacrifice" is complete trust. Which basically means no fooling around with other people. I've seen ALL couples (except one, for now) getting ripped apart by the combination of distance and third parties.

Whenever we see each other again, it's all awesome again, even if we were both depressed just a week before. It's also really helpful for us to plan the next "meeting" (always flight tickets involved) before separating physically again. Then it's just counting days and living our own lives in the meantime. Everything else just STOPS completely when we're together, so lives have to be lived some other time.

How ya doing, buddy?

I'm not at a point where I have to worry about something like this, yet, but I am in the military.

I never did online/long distance relationship because I thought it was dumb and not really possible. But should the time come where I'm sent somewhere for a year or more, I'm quite skeptical about having a happy ending to the story.

I mean, just based on statistics, and of course my bad experience in the past, I would be very very very distrusting about whomever I might be with at the time. I suppose I could handle them cheating on me, but men can generally cheat and still want to go home to their women, whereas women have a tendency to become more emotionally attached to the other guy and leave the one that is far, far away.

Just a bit of my reservations.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I'm quite shy about being with girls in the flesh, so long-distance has been the MO for me for quite a while.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I know, it's not the same is in relationship, but maybe nice to mention:
When my best friend moved to america the first main problem was the time difference of 8 hours. So we started writing letters, then msn, then myspace and finally skype.
Since then I have to say - it's much easier to have a long-distance friendship!
It's better if you can see someone when talking to him/her seeing him/her same time.
----
But we are still friends for now more then 10 years - and it's going easier with time...
and we are both BEST friends even if we don't see each other for some years.
I think if you and him/her really want it - you can do it.

FELIPE NO

Friendship and relationship are two totally different creatures. With a friendship, its mainly about the interaction. You can be buddy buddy over the internet no problem. I have a ton of internet friends. However, relationships require intimacy and physical affection, which becoming increasingly hard to deal with over a distance.

How ya doing, buddy?

I've been part of 3 online relationships and, in the end, I was told the same. "It wasn't real." Which was quite depressing for me, since I actually spent money sending gifts like flowers, CD's, books.

Anyway, in short, I didn't have a successful long distance relationship. Never will I try it again. Not online, anyway. But... then again, I guess you can say mine's long distance. International, even. No, I didn't meet her online.

See, I live about 15 minutes from the border, and she lives on the other side. Though I see her every weekend, I guess it's considered long distance. Going on 4 months, now and still goin.

I guess, it wasn't real for them because I wasn't there physically. At the time, I didn't have a cell phone so I couldn't call them often. There were many other conditions that affected my relationships.

Anyway, had I been single now, I'd only flirt. Got tired and fed up with online/long distance relationships. By long distance, I mean those that I can't be with physically.

How ya doing, buddy?

Oh, I've written some bullshit here. Seems like the post time stamp is from the time of day when I was drunk and happy.

Now we're separated. Couldn't feel better.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I've never been in one and I think I'd rather break up then be forced into a long distance relationship situation. I think there's a higher potential for cheating, growing apart, etc. I'm glad if it works out for some people but I consider those people really lucky.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Put Balls, glad you're happier.

I think there's a difinitive difference between finding someone online (or someone you met at some exchange where you knew your time together was temporary) as opposed to someone you've been in a long-term relationship previously before the distance settled in.

As for me, I'm still in the same Situation I was before, with a few improvements:
- FaceTime has been a godsend.
- We've gotten into the routine of spending at least a few hours over the week / weekends on FaceTime and doing some Simul-watch (inspired by Tails and Acer, thank you guys!) to have some common activity to do together
- with that, we have been communicating more often via KakaoTalk (free texting service; helps with the international LDR thing)

The downs are more related to my personal issues (inside my head and more career woes than can sink a ship).

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

In long-distance now, doing national service for 1.5 years. So far 1 month down. Tried long-distance with another girl before, ended after 14 months but hardly knew that girl then. Very serious with current one - been together for years and planning future together. I'm in taiwan and she's in australia - nearly 6000 km - we're early 20's, very small social groups and high trust and reason.

Any suggestions and advice?

Wish us all the best!

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by hunter_fantasy

In long-distance now, doing national service for 1.5 years. So far 1 month down. Tried long-distance with another girl before, ended after 14 months but hardly knew that girl then. Very serious with current one - been together for years and planning future together. I'm in taiwan and she's in australia - nearly 6000 km - we're early 20's, very small social groups and high trust and reason.

Any suggestions and advice?

Wish us all the best!

Buy her a vibrator.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Yes, i was actually thinking of that~!

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by hunter_fantasy

In long-distance now, doing national service for 1.5 years. So far 1 month down. Tried long-distance with another girl before, ended after 14 months but hardly knew that girl then. Very serious with current one - been together for years and planning future together. I'm in taiwan and she's in australia - nearly 6000 km - we're early 20's, very small social groups and high trust and reason.

Any suggestions and advice?

Wish us all the best!

FaceTime is a godsend. Good Luck.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I don't know how much of "long distance" my relationship is, but we have at least 90 miles of distance between us so it doesn't make it easy at all for us to see other.

While it does make it hard for us, I'm still thankful that I can at least see her once-twice a week but it also makes a pain because even though I care about my gf lot (She's been my biggest inspiration for going back to school and staying focus) it sucks to know that I'll go days and sometimes weeks without seeing her. Also being so far apart also makes it hard for me to still have a social life w/ my friends and also have time with the gf.

We work the relationship by having her come down every other wkend and I go up every other weekend. It's not easy but nothing worth doing ever is..

Jam it back in, in the dark.

what for?
would be a pity, if she couldn't stand while he is away...

Originally Posted by Zephyrin

Buy her a vibrator.

There's nowhere I can't reach.