Yardcore

Okay, so I cleaned off my grandmother's back patio so that it is no hospitable to actual company, being Summer and all, you know.

Problem is this. The backyard is desert. I'm talking weeds and dirt. There is a dog. Old (16 years), decrepit, lazy. If she makes it off the back patio to do her business, then it is directly adjacent to the back patio.
If you spend anytime out back, any breeze will pick up the delicate fragrance of stale urine and dust, making the rear area wholly unwelcoming.


How do I solve this problem? I guess I could water down the entire yard and rake it over, but not sure that would stop it.

I've no money nor interest in the maintenance of a lawn, which would be the obvious solution. Plants are not out of the question, but they would have to be close to zero maintenance and be viable in a desert climate.



Or just talk about your lawn gnomes. That's kool, too.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

No but seriously, you either have to just tear out the yard and re-plant/lay fake shit, or you can cover the lawn with a tarp to kill off weeds. Either way you're looking at either a lot of time or a lot of work. Thats what I've seen anyway.

How ya doing, buddy?

You could try going to a nearby garden store (probably better off with one not part of a home improvement store) and tell them what your deal is. I know there's a few houses near me that do a really nice job with all sorts of succulents and rock gardens. I remember seeing one in particular that had brown/red colored rocks for a lot of their lawn, then dark blue rocks running in a path so it looked like a river. There were a bunch of various low-water plants right next to where the blue rocks were.

How ya doing, buddy?

I'm going to restate what Sass (and now apparently RR) suggested previously: turn the yard into a rock garden. Maybe have a few islands of local or desert plants just for a touch of color.

Its extremely low maintenance, especially compared to a grass lawn (or any lawn with green shit, esp. in a desert), and it will prevent dust and dirt from kicking up on the slightest wind. The only challenge afterwards, really, is extracting the dog shit; but that is easily handled with a square-tipped shovel (Unless Rover has diarrhea. Then you should just wash it through the rocks with a shot from the hose).

Of course, you will have to go out and get the rocks to make this happen, which can be expensive if you're getting it from a retailer, but you might luck out and find someone trying to get rid a bunch of rocks on craigslist or the local classifieds.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Xeriscaping is fun!

Best things for dry areas that you don't want to maintain ever again (except for spraying with roundup every spring, if you care to):

- lava rock (looks like ruddy pumice)
- river rock (multicoloured, fist-to-pebble sized rocks, cheaper than pretty much anything other than sand)
- assorted desert plants and cacti intermixed with rock (something for the dog to piss on, in other words). Lavender is a decent one for masking odors, and barely needs water at all.

A lot of gardening depots will deliver to you, depending on how much you need.

Also, where do you live? Bermuda grass might be an option for you, it pretty much doesn't need to be attended to, but in some states it'll be a weed.

I was speaking idiomatically.