Casual dating

Hey keep your voice down it's the quiet place

I recently emerged from a very serious 7-year relationship and am just now climbing onto the dating scene. I've met some really wonderful people, including a girl that I've been seeing for the last few months. Lately she has suddenly disappeared without a word of explanation or warning, and I'm totally baffled and frankly heartbroken. Last I talked to her she cited traumatic family trouble taking over her life. Still, after months of dependable daily communication, complete radio silence for the last two weeks is unusual yeah?

So to get my mind off it I'm still meeting other people. Since I'm royally inexperienced when it comes dating, I'm wondering about the wisdom of this. Is it fair to continue meeting women when I'm still honestly crazy about another girl? In Los Angeles it's difficult to find peers who don't look at you as a potential benefit to their career, so I'm really hoping to find friends too before considering another serious relationship.

The dates are fun; I'm a charming and funny dude, don't need any advice on dating etiquette itself, I'm just wondering if anyone here has a perspective either way on whether I'm leading these other ladies on? Whether I should tell them flat out where my head's at? The truth is if this other girl comes around again I'm going to go with her, no question; I just am not willing to wait around forever wondering if that's ever going to happen. Should I just enjoy the ride and let things unfold?

Anyone have a similar experience??

Most amazing jew boots

She's the one who disappeared.

Play on, good Knight.

The way I look at it, until you've both decided to be exclusive the field exists to be played. Man, seven years on the shelf. You're no good to ANYONE in a committed relationship right now anyway. You need time to get your head and heart together, so in the mean time, enjoy yourself. Get attached, break their heart, get yours broken, get over the seven years. Eventually you'll feel better. But I promise you, a large portion of pining after new girl is projection from the old girl.

Have fun, son. Post break-up is pretty awesome. Cut you a swath.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

To simplify:

1. Seven years is a lot to get over. I forget which it was, but apparently it either takes half or double the time you were in the last relationship to get over. Apparently.

2. Given that, you probably don't want to get into anything serious (seeing your opening post, it looks like you've wisely chosen).

3. Girls who fake/play the "I have some dark family problem/secret" and try to disappear for some length are in some essence, batshit crazy or they're enjoying some S/M melodramatic scene by themselves.

4. If you're still hung on batshit crazy girl, your call. I think it is wise you keep seeing other people and making friends, but keep your dick in your pants.

Bottom line: you've been together with someone for seven years. That's a length of time that someone starts Junior High to graduate High School. Chances are, you've grown quite used to being dependent on having a woman around for support. My recommendation is that you learn to be by yourself again.

I don't know about your age, but that's what I imagine myself going through if my current relationship ended. I'm a completely different person than I was in my teens or my early 20's, let alone 7 years ago. I'll need to learn how to be independent or alone (read: single) and actually enjoy time to myself.

Also: I agree, it's hard finding nice single people to "hang out" with in Los Angeles without having any implication of attachment.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Thanks dudes, this is the kind of shit that's good to hear from objective people. My head's been spinning lately wondering why the hell this sweetheart can't fire off a simple "I need a few weeks for my family, gimme some time" message instead of leaving me hanging in the dark, but I'm guessing it's a mental thing. My head rang some small warning bells, but my heart is still in for her, and who knows what the actual deal is. Meantime, getting out and spending time with others really is a good antidote.

I guess how much I let them know about this depends on how far those dates go, yeah?

And yeah, 7 years. I feel like I came out of a time machine... that went at the speed of real time.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

If you don't mind me asking, is this "Not signed in to IM and not replying to emails." silence or "Not answering the phone." silence?

'cause if somebody hasn't answered their phone in two weeks, they're not interested in talking to you. Internet silence could easily be the result of her being on the road or something due to whatever family drama she's in.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Hydra

If you don't mind me asking, is this "Not signed in to IM and not replying to emails." silence or "Not answering the phone." silence?

Yeah it's not-answering-the-phone silence.
Family is local so she's always in the area.

...Shit.

Edit:
Still though, the last we talked it was something to the effect of "yes let's definitely get together soon, just a lot going on right now, have to tend to family, sorry." Seriously I wonder what the deal is with this.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Hey Cellius,

Not to de-rail your thread to open the conversation up to a more generic topic on Casual dating than just an advice thread, but I was curious:

What conditions define "casual dating?"

I haven't been single for so long that it gets to the point where I think:
a) If I'm dating someone with no emotional attachment and no fore-seeable future together, what is the point?
and
b) If a) is true, I'd rather just be friends who like to occasionally hang out together (purse string / time permitting)

I feel like once a girl defaults on their position with a guy to b), they stop calling. But again, it's my opinion and I don't have much experience being single, so it's hard to judge.

How ya doing, buddy?

The reason for a), shorty, is that casual dating equals a regular hang out partner, and more importantly, a more regular hook-up than just a friend with benefits.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

The difference between casual dating and friends is all in how its interpreted and the acts during the date. Some people don't see much of a difference, since you can essentially do the same thing on a casual date that you can do with friends. Exception comes in if you're doing casual sex as well, which you typically don't do with random friends (unless you're into that).

To kind of shed some light re: whats the point?

It can be an emotional crutch. If you just broke up with someone, generally you aren't looking for long term with anyone you go out with, but you want the feeling of some closeness with someone that you don't get from just friends. Think rebound relationship, except without the drama because everything is out on the table right away.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I would keep with the casual dating; who knows you might end up finding someone worth pursuing on more than a casual basis. I would also be a little more persistent with this girl if you think she is worth it.

At the very least I would try an impromptu visit to her house with flowers or something. Who knows she might be testing you to see if you are really interested in her. Exchanging phone calls every now in then doesn't really show much interest on your part and is a sure fire way to drift apart if that is all you are doing.

You could always go all stalker like also and higher a private investigator to follow her around or give you a list of who she called.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Shilee

I would keep with the casual dating; who knows you might end up finding someone worth pursuing on more than a casual basis. I would also be a little more persistent with this girl if you think she is worth it.

At the very least I would try an impromptu visit to her house with flowers or something. Who knows she might be testing you to see if you are really interested in her. Exchanging phone calls every now in then doesn't really show much interest on your part and is a sure fire way to drift apart if that is all you are doing.

You could always go all stalker like also and higher a private investigator to follow her around or give you a list of who she called.

The cute part is that you don't think randomly showing up at the house of some girl he isn't really dating with flowers WOULDN'T be seen as creepy stalker behaviour.

If you heed any piece of advice in this thread, Cell, heed this: DO NOT DO THIS.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Denicalis

The cute part is that you don't think randomly showing up at the house of some girl he isn't really dating with flowers WOULDN'T be seen as creepy stalker behaviour.

If you heed any piece of advice in this thread, Cell, heed this: DO NOT DO THIS.

...I thought they were already sort of dating? I guess if you only just met somewhere and exchanged phone numbers my advice might be pushing it.

How ya doing, buddy?

I think even if you've been dating a girl for a month or two, not too seriously, and she gives you the silent treatment and you show up, giving her the Say Anything treatment, it isn't going to make things better.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Shorty

What conditions define "casual dating?"
...
I feel like once a girl defaults on their position with a guy to b), they stop calling. But again, it's my opinion and I don't have much experience being single, so it's hard to judge.

Yeah same here. I'm kind of just jumping in, one date at a time and seeing how it goes. All pretty casual. I haven't been doing it very long so the prospect of cultivating a friendship between meetings is still not there yet. My feeling on this is that at some point a heart's going to get broken.

Originally Posted by Shilee

At the very least I would try an impromptu visit to her house with flowers or something.

This probably is not a good idea. I'm confused and saddened by her sudden disappearance, but not desperate. The ball is already in her court; I think forcing her hand would ruin everything. We had both determined early on that if we started seeing each other, it was going to be exclusive. We weren't really dating so much as getting to know each other really well and with increasing romantic interest. It's her vanishing act that prompted me to meet other women, albeit not with near as much interest I had (and still have) in her. I'm really starting to think she's gone for good, in which case at least I have a little bit of closure - however contrived for my own peace of mind.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Dating's never gone well for me, IMO...I've had problems with getting a girlfriend myself.

FELIPE NO