The only cure is more dead angels - A (latecomer's) look at Bayonetta

Bayonetta
Developer: Platinum Games
Released: January 5, 2010



Now... I realize that I'm criminally late to the party but let's not waste any more time pussyfooting around this whole longwinded entry: Bayonetta is the single greatest action game ever made. Don't fucking question me, goddamnit, I'm just getting started. Developed by Platinum Games (Infinite Space, MadWorld) and directed by Hideki Kamiya (Devil May Cry, an influence that you will immediately recognize when you start playing this), the game was in development for well over 2 years. Most of the development team were also part of the now defunct development house Clover Studios, whose previous titles include Viewtiful Joe (my favorite game on the GameCube), Okami (my favorite game on the PS2) and God Hand. If that's all you needed to know, close this window and either go back to play the game or go out and buy a copy of it because you should fucking own it.

If, however, you wanted to know just what a blindingly brilliant game this is, let's run through a few quick points about Bayonetta.

Bayonetta is a witch. Bayonetta is a sexy witch. Bayonetta is a sexy witch with a fantastic ass.


PROOF

Having said that incredibly insulting and sexist remark, I think it's only fair to say that Bayonetta is, quite possibly, one of the greatest female characters in video game history. Sure, she's a hypersexualized, long-legged, suave-swaggering bit... I mean, uh, witch who taunts her enemies with lines like, "Do you want to touch me...?" but, really, you'd be hard-pressed to find a female lead in any game with so much style and shit-your-pants propensity to decimate anything that gets in her way. She's not the eye-candy. The world around her is; she just revels in it.


The last thing you saw before you died

This game doesn't really need a story but, just to prove that they could do it, developer house Platinum games decided that a damn good story with thematic elements about heaven and hell would be a perfect fit for a game in which the main character is always naked, if not for a body suit made out of her hair. Bayonetta is an Umbran witch and she's been asleep for 500 years. In this world two witch clans called the Umbran Witches and the Lumen Sages, each in alliance with Inferno and Paradiso respectively (names which you'll recognize were gathered from Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy) who were at war with each other and eventually everyone was wiped out leaving all but one witch alive: Bayonetta. All she really knows is that her sleep was not voluntary, that she is fucking pissed off about that and that whoever was responsible is probably going to suffer an infinitely painful torture session. So that's exactly what she does: With the support of a scumbag intel-gathering mobster named Enzo and a dimension-traveling barkeep/black market weapon shop runner named Rodin, she sets off on a torture rampage to the fictional European land of Vigrid. Only her fists, feet and her set of four guns named "Scarborough Fair" (The individual guns are named after herbs: Parsley, ever joyous; Sage, ever strong; Rosemary, ever reminiscent; Thyme, ever courageous), keep her company.


NOT YOURS

"But, Paco", you'll say, "why does she carry four guns if the sexy witch lady is clearly not a deformed freak of nature and has two arms like the rest of us normies?". Yeah... About that... Two of those guns are strapped to her feet. As you start gathering or buying more weapons, you'll be able to attach more of those weapons to her different extremities and, holy shit, does that ever turn out wonderful for style points! Using her kicks in tandem with her punches and guns, there are literally hundreds of attack combos that can be unleashed on the minions of heaven. You can also activate a time-slowing system called "Witch Time" that makes these combos slightly easier to pull off and pull off moves called "Bullet Climaxes" which are stylized clusterfucks of flying bullets that will decimate pretty much anything in the immediate diameter. You can stick your heels into your enemies when they're down, you can send them up in the air and juggle them with a barrage of bullets or you can execute them with "Torture" finishing moves, which are S&M-inspired sadistic execeutions in which conjure up anything from guillotines to iron maidens to massive wheels with spikes on them which you will roll on your enemies' backs to mince them; and that was just in the first few fights I had in the game. As if that wasn't enough, that neat coif on her head can be formed into massive conduit to summon demons from the depths of hell that can (and will) eat the bigger enemies. Needless to say, this is all pretty fucking intense. Everything about the battle system is sadistically gory, elegantly violent and ridiculously over-the-top and, in case you can't tell from this little rant so far, I really IMMENSELY enjoyed this shit.

The world created in this game is truly eye popping and, even though, Bayonetta runs around in a massive and detailed world that is somewhat devoid of color and bleak that's only slightly reminiscent of the glory days of the witch clans, there's still a lot of color to be seen in the very feminine touches added by Bayonetta's very presence. If Bayonetta jumps, she does so by momentarily sprouting a pair of colorful butterfly wings. She does not bleed, she emits roses and butterflies when she's hit by an enemy and, likewise, when she hits an enemy, the impact emits pink hearts. Her target reticle is a set of pursed red lips and blows colorful kisses to break magic barriers. Is this what they mean by "girl power"? Speaking of "girl power", blogger Leigh Alexander wrote a very interesting article about whether the character of Bayonetta is a hypersexualized insult to women everywhere or a sexy and empowering female lead. You can read it here and decide for yourself, if you're up to the challenge.


Pretty~

With towering structures, ancient gargantuan ruins and European-flavored colorful small towns, this is a beautiful world for Bayonetta to saunter around in. The enemy characters don't get shunned in this either! In fact, the enemies are some of the most detailed things to be found in this game and it's very clear that a lot of thought went into designing every inch of them and very carefully arranged so that, as you progress through the game, you will never feel like you've seen them twice. That's, I think, one of the greatest strengths of the title, really. You will go up against a squad of angels that will try to pop you with everything that heaven can throw at you. You mercilessly dispatch all of them by pole dancing on a pike freshly driven into an enemy's skull and firing all weapons in every direction. You will feel immensely satisfied and think to yourself, "That... was fucking... BADASS! There's no WAY they'll top this battle in this game!". Then you find yourself in a coliseum fighting a titanic monster with two hydra heads attached to a very Greek-inspired winged human head sculpture that lays waste to the land by immersing it in molten magma. You don't even want me to tell you how you finish this one off, but it's seriously one of the coolest fucking things I've ever seen in a video game. EVER. And the more you play, the bigger, more detailed and eloquently amazing the enemy squads become. At the end of each battle you're awarded medals depending on how good your fight performance was. The better the medals, the more halo points you rack up and those can be used to purchase weapon upgrades and better techniques. However, since all of these things are astronomically expensive, you'll have to play through the game multiple times if you want to get everything and, really, you'll actually want to do it in this game; over and over if necessary.

Battle after battle. Medal after medal. Kiss after kiss. The game never lets up pace and is an attack of the visual and hearing senses; it's like sticking your brain in a pencil sharpener and grinding it until it's super sharp.

Bayonetta is my new favorite action game. It only took 5 years to knock God of War out of that spot and it was only fitting that the same people who brought me "Devil May Cry" rightfully took that designation back. This is a very colorful palette of destruction and sexiness presented by a very empowering female lead that, while leveling everything in her path, somehow finds the time to suggestively nurse a lollipop. I think that, on that note alone, everyone should at least give it a shot; mainly because I know that once she blows that first kiss, your will to resist this game will be FUCKING BROKEN.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Bayonetta is to women what Marcus Fenix is to men.

Proportioned incorrectly and vaguely alien-like in appearance.

Also,

Quote:

damn good story

I laughed.

Look, it's stylish but it's complete horseshit.

Yes, she jacks a motorcycle with her MIDDLE FINGER. This does not make it good story telling, though. Neither does the horrible dialogue or overlong cutscenes that don't really say or do anything. The whole thing is nonsensical and ridiculous. And bad. Terrible, even.

So terrible it's somewhat enjoyable? Perhaps. So terrible beyond that yet that it again reverts to painful? Often true too!

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I LIKED the story, you ice-dwelling curmudgeon.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Storyline? In a game by the dudes who made DMC?

Paco, did you slip and hit your head again?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I thought it was fine. Kept me wanting to find out what happens next. Skills has something up his ass again. And for some reason he's in a bad mood too.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Gechmir

Storyline? In a game by the dudes who made DMC?

Paco, did you slip and hit your head again?

What more did the story need to do besides segue you from battle to battle? About my one minor gripe about the game were the elongated cutscenes but, seriously, if I want an epic tearjerking story, I'll watch Schindler's List. In the context of quick-cut, button-mashing, fuck-what-you-heard action titles, the story was, as I said, "pretty damn good". It's not God of War but it does serves its purpose to get to the meat of the game.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Encephalon

What more did the story need to do besides segue you from battle to battle? About my one minor gripe about the game were the elongated cutscenes but, seriously, if I want an epic tearjerking story, I'll watch Schindler's List. In the context of quick-cut, button-mashing, fuck-what-you-heard action titles, the story was, as I said, "pretty damn good". It's not God of War but it does serves its purpose to get to the meat of the game.

I believe that's the exact point Skills is trying to make. This is a serviceable story that keeps the action moving, keeps you wondering where things are going and makes for some awesome little moments, but it's not a 'good' story in the larger context of the world. If you meant "for this kind of game is has a pretty good story" then perhaps that what you should have put.

Excellent review though dude, and I completely agree that every fucker out there needs to just try this game if nothing else.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Encephalon

What more did the story need to do besides segue you from battle to battle? About my one minor gripe about the game were the elongated cutscenes but, seriously, if I want an epic tearjerking story, I'll watch Schindler's List. In the context of quick-cut, button-mashing, fuck-what-you-heard action titles, the story was, as I said, "pretty damn good". It's not God of War but it does serves its purpose to get to the meat of the game.

If Schindler's List had featured hot bitches in leather with guns strapped to their feet slaughtering thousands of people while pole dancing I might have enjoyed it a lot more.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?