Is "being considerate" something that can be learned or trained?

Oh my gosh this article grew so long before I noticed… Please pardon me for this long one. I’m just trying to offer details.


I have always been a selfish (or to say, self-centered) person throughout my life. Well, it's not that I lack teamwork spirit. I usually would turn down a personal engagement for a group project discussion. But I never really thought for other people.

When a friend comes to me and tells me about her recent problem, I would say, "Yeah, it must have really hurt." But in fact, I have absolutely no idea how painful the situation is for her. It feels like I'm stranded on an island and isolated from other people's feelings. Their emotions flow in as words, but would never form into anything real for me.

I cannot understand other people's logic or ways of thinking, either. When I put aside my personal tasks and attend a group meeting, I would be very upset that another member is absent because of her own appointment. I would think, "I sacrificed something for the good of this team. Why can't all of you do the same?" I would usually expect others to have the same kind of priorities and time management as mine. During group discussion, I would ask the opinions of the people ignored by the group. Yeah, perhaps it looks like a considerate thing to do, but I was just my attempt to impress people with this image. Deep down in my mind, I don't really want to know what those people have to say.

This selfishness has gradually grew into self-hatred. "I love people who are considerate to me but I can never become like them." These words would haunt my mind. I also see this selfishness on my mother, and I, feeling a little lonely, disliked her for that. I think my selfishness came from two places: my parents, and being the youngest child in the family. And it grew into fear, too. I always feared that the people who like me will turn away from me once they discover how selfish I am. Once they find out that my remembering their birthdays, hugs while they're depressed, and beautifully-said words of consolation are just acts of drama, they would be so disappointed at how selfish a person can be.

I had buried these thoughts deep inside me until I went out with my favorite Auntie Amy. She is a very, very nice woman who would always see my needs. She has taken care of me ever since I was an infant. While my mother would force me to finish my meal (it would become a waste of her money if I don't), Auntie Amy would always see that I'm already full before I dare to tell her I can't finish all the food. As I begin to churn the rice in my bowl instead of eating it, she would say with a calming voice, "You don't have to finish all of it. Just leave it." It meant a great deal to me, because I felt that she was the only one who could hear what I want and didn't care if I was wasting her money. At home, my mom would often say “you don’t need that” or “use that old one at home” to my request for a necessity. I could feel that she was actually saying, “It costs money” while I know she has more than enough to cover the cost. Of course, you don’t buy a child everything she wants, but if you reject constantly and hands her something (suppose, a backpack) that has been in the family closet for over 10 years, the child would know what you have in mind.

That day, I went out with Auntie Amy to shop for my clothes. She picked up a shirt that I really liked. I looked at the price tag, “But it’s a little expensive…” She waved, “Whether you like it or not is more important. Let’s take this one.” It was then I thought had the urge to do something for her. Anything. I want to do something to show that I really appreciate her for doing these things. Yes, maybe a gift.

But what does she like?

I suddenly noticed that I knew nothing about Auntie Amy. What’s her favorite food? Favorite color? Favorite hobby? Favorite TV show? I have no idea. And I thought more: What about my friends’? What are their favorites? What would be the thing to give them on their birthday and make them squeal, “OH MY GOSH HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANT THAT!?”

I never took time to observe other people to know more about them. It was all about me, me, and me. I feel like a failure. My friends all know my favorites, my aunt can read my mind. And I can do nothing in return.

I want to change into a more considerate person. I want to do more for my loving friends, my aunt, and the people I love. Are there any kind of help I can get while achieving this goal? Perhaps recommendations on self-help books?

Thank you very much. For suggestions, replies, insults, anything. I am grateful enough that you took the time to finish reading this long article. Thank you.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

In a sense it feels like you are differentiating yourself from others.
And yes, I've done the same thing myself in the past.
It feels like you haven't bothered getting to know the people around you properly and closed out yourself from everybody else.

Try asking people more questions about themselves, what they like and more importantly why they like it, actually give it a go and try get to know people better, try to understand them and why they act like they do.
Make it a habit to ask people questions all the time what they feel about things and so on.
As you have been created from your genes and surroundings, remember that is the same for everybody else and you should NEVER look down on anyone else for their shortcomings.

Not being able to relate that much to other people's pain is something I'm guilty of myself, but it's not necessarily a bad thing, rather there is no need to feel bad about someone others pain. You should be the one in support.
As long as you understand it is hurting the person you're talking to there's no need to get all sobbed up yourself.
As a matter of fact, I never give in to sad feelings at all nowadays, all because of this one book.

Well, you asked for self-help books and frankly, there are lots of shit self-help books out there that get you nowhere.
However, if there is one book I should mention, it is "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
It is a must read that I recommend to everyone, no matter who you are and no matter how your life is at the moment.
READ IT. It changed my life and hopefully it will change yours to.

Good luck.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Will this help? I don't know.

I know I'm an asshole. I don't give a crap about other people 99% of the time, and I dismiss most comments with the back of my hand. I have something more interesting to say; shut it.

BUT. That's the thing: I know it, and I don't care. I'm not going to change, and if I have friends or relatives that still like hanging around with me, then I guess I'm not so bad after all. But I ain't changing. The world won't change for me, so I won't change for it.

So in the end, maybe you can change yourself, thread poster. Maybe not. I, personally, don't care if the world sees me "change." The world's too big for anyone to give a second glance at one stuck-up loser, and life's too short to be anything but yourself.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

What you are describing is just the end result of being brought up to be a selfish person. It's not really your fault, you just haven't had a lot of experiences with bad shit going down, but that doesn't mean you can continue to be selfish and oblivious to other people. People will be pretty tolerant at first, since basically everyone goes through this sort of self-awareness around your age. But as you get older, folks will become less patient with you, so be aware of that.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

This really isn't anything to worry about. Statistically, sociopaths are very successful in life!

I was speaking idiomatically.

Also it's time to self-diagnose and call yourself an Aspergers Syndrome sufferer or Autistic. The internet is waiting!

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Being considerate isn't something you learn exactly, but it can definitely be improved by being more conscious about things. Humans are innately selfish, but we don't all have to be inconsiderate. It's hard to explain. Lol... I've never had this problem before. If anything, I've always been overly considerate of people, which can be painful for me sometimes!

But I think those who are considerate tend to be very loving people. I've realized that as much as I love having friends, I love being a friend as well. It makes me happy when others are happy. You get this satisfaction almost, which motivates you to be more.

If you know your problem, why don't you just consciously think about it when the time comes up? If your friends are telling you about your problems, then try to understand them. Once you understand their problems, maybe you will genuinely want to comfort them. The biggest step is acknowledging the issue. You've done that. It's not that hard from this point on...

FELIPE NO

I generally know what my family and friends like because I learned very early that nobody likes spoiled, mean people so I learned consideration to get some friends and people to like me. Now it's innate, more or less.

I don't care at all about the Olympics or those who failed at it but I was genuinely happy for Micheal Phelps when he won his little swimmy challenge things. My heart even warms when people I don't like are happy. And now, I feel happy that you want to be a better person.

*has diabetes*

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

REQUEST A HIGH FIVE TICKLE THEIR GROIN INSTEAD

How ya doing, buddy?