White Van Racer

Video games do a pretty good job at covering just about every possible racing based fantasy out there. High powered sports cars, motor bikes, jet skis. The list goes on! There's even a Flintstones racing game out there for those that have an urge to experience the thrill of trying to run barefoot along a road filled with jagged rocks while holding up the frame of a car made from stone. But what about those that dream about racing the true kings of the road? Yes, that's right, vans. And not just any vans, WHITE vans. Auto-racism, it's okay! Well the vast van fan base (van base?) can breathe a collective sigh of relief, as Phoenix Games has finally come along to save the day with White Van Racer for PlayStation 2.

Being an extremely low budget developer, Phoenix pump out roughly ten games every day, so it was only natural that they'd arrive at something like this. The back of the box promises 'seriously madcap racing' and 'crazy driving', so we're in for quite a treat! Starting up, you're presented with several modes, Tournament, Time Trial and Quick Race. The latter being a bit of a joke, as it's impossible for vans to be quick. In fact you're given the choice of three different vans to begin with, all with a top speed of 60 km/h. A white van and wait what, there's also a pink ice cream van and a blue hamburger van! The title of the game fails at mentioning this twist! Perhaps it should be called White Van and Friends Racer.

Only one track is available to begin with, forcing you to sign up for the deadly Beginner Cup of the Tournament. A lengthy loading time passes and you're dropped into the stunning scenery of 'Hedge Row'. This is when whatever expression you may have had on your face changes to disgust. If it was already set to that, you'll try and force your facial muscles to make it even more apparent. Graphically, the game is much like a Nintendo 64 game using the Expansion Pak, smeared in vomit. Blurry textures, fog so thick you'd swear you were racing around the outskirts of Silent Hill and a very dodgy frame rate. Hell, the hexagon wheels on the vans don't even turn. But hey, you don't need fancy graphics to lose yourself in the experience of van racing, let's go!



The tracks all have convenient hills or fences on either side, it's all very narrow. It feels like a Crash Bandicoot game. This makes it extremely difficult to break away from your opponents, since you start at the back of the group every time. Luckily the AI in this game is absolutely wonderful. During my very first race I witnessed one CPU van not bother turning at the first corner and another just stopped dead in the middle of the road and started reversing. Perhaps it's simulating drunk driving, because I reckon you’d have to be pretty pissed to want to race these. Another quirk is watching the other vans tip over onto their sides for absolutely no reason other than to show off. They could be blazing along at sixty, then whoops, they're down in the blink of an eye.

Handling is a dream; you’ll never need to use your brakes, as the van sticks to the road like a train to a sticky track. Even if you do manage to plow into a wall, you'll slide along it head first until you find yourself back on the track. It's not like you can escape it anyway. But watch out for the other vans, contact with them isn't recommended; you’ll always come off on the losing end. Years of Burnout games have ruined me in other racers, as I’ll always try and shove my opponents off the road. Not here! The CPU vans won't budge at all; they'll stick to their predetermined racing line no matter what. Well, unless they decide to fall over or start driving into a wall for good luck. If you actually manage to finish the cup, consisting of four tracks that are all basically the same, you'll unlock a new cup with those very same tracks you just crawled along, in reverse. Plus one new van, that again, has no advantage over the others. That's your reward for all the brain damage you've suffered, MORE potential brain damage.

There are only two different locations for the tracks; you'll unlock Mountain Pass eventually. These have the exciting addition of steep hills, which are just what you want to tackle with speed demons such as these. The game gives you a whopping one camera angle, positioned right behind the van. So climbing these hills forces the camera to stick up close, not letting you see what's in front of you at all. Luckily there's rarely anything to worry about, but it's still quite annoying. You'll be stuck looking at the mind boggling slogans on the back of each van such as 'Grub up! Chubby!' for the deluxe hamburger mobile or 'Andy’s Wish Wash Windows, no tools inside!' That's very good to know, Andy! Perhaps the most disturbing is 'Juicy Boy' written on the back of our good friend, white van. Why aren't there any other camera angles? Anything would have worked better than this. No camera at all, even. A blank screen would possibly be more entertaining. Speaking of one, that's the number of music tracks in the game. From the title screen to the victory screen, one song. It's non-threatening, because I can’t even remember how it goes, but I do know it fades out and kicks in again every two and a half minutes. Over and over again. You can turn it off, but then you're left with just the roar of the vans, sounding very much like a bee hive. Buzzing with confusion.



I tried to find the so called 'madcap racing', I really did. Maybe the broken AI counts, as there’s nothing more zany and/or wacky than someone reversing into you, tipping over and staying that way for the rest of the race. The closest you can get to doing something fun yourself is to drive into one of the cardboard cutout trees that litter the side of the road and hope you get stuck in it, forcing the van to perform a delightful spastic twitch. White Van Racer is as bland as the name suggests. There's nothing worthwhile or memorable about any of the track designs and putting in the horrible effort needed to stay awake in order to unlock more vans isn't a productive way to throw away an hour or so. Placing beached whales on unicycles and pushing them in the sand during a storm would make for a faster racing game than these vans. Even those with a white van fetish would probably find the box art more appealing than the game itself.

Final score:
Out of five.

Most amazing jew boots

Maybe the vans don't fall over because they are weighed down by all the children that you snatched and threw in the back. White vans are so creepy.

But obviously you did not snatch enough kids if you actually did manage to flip your van.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Or maybe all the children got flung to one side as the van took the corner at its blistering top speed which caused it to tip!

Originally Posted by Devoxycontin

I lolled one too many times. Also those pics just speak wonders to the game. I never knew of any Vans that had pink undersides.

It's a sexy van!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Infernal Monkey

Or maybe all the children got flung to one side as the van took the corner at its blistering top speed which caused it to tip!

Advanced weight distribution physics! Forza's got some serious competition now. Now if they only tighten up the graphics on level 3, we'll have some serious competition for GT5 when it comes out.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?