Gaps. Holes.

It's often an interesting plot device in a show, movie or book. A person that discovers/uncovers things their mind had concealed concerning their past. Usually things we block from our childhood, whatever.

I've had a very disturbing experience with this today and I wanted to know if this, at any level and to any extent, has happened to any of you and what you think.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yeah, there have been moments in my life that all of a sudden I remember something that happened in my past that was not too pleasant or at least not a positive, and there have been times in which I remember something from long ago that was very positive. My memory is weird that way sometimes. I even remember perfumes from the long past when I encounter them again.

How ya doing, buddy?

The mind has a lot of weird defense mechanisms, but from a certain perspective they all make sense, even when they are labelled disorders.

As someone who was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder a few years ago, I know how devastating it can be when the "memory bubble" bursts and you have to integrate all that shit that you pushed away for ages.

But something like this changes you.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

There's a period of about three months I'm pretty sure I've repressed - When I was seven I was quarantined with scabies for quite a long time. I can remember events leading up to it with utmost clarity, but it's as if there's just a total blank of three months right there. I even remember arguing with my mother over whether it actually happened at the age of eight, and even after being shown pictures of what my back looked like at the time, I couldn't remember a single thing less than a year later.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by The Wise Vivi

I even remember perfumes from the long past when I encounter them again.

Yeah, I've had that happen too. I read somewhere that our sense of smell has the best memory.

Originally Posted by SenorKaffee

But something like this changes you.

It's like an entirely new perspective on things.

Krelian, doesn't that freak you out a little. All that time lost. What could have happened over such a large period of time that would make your mind want to forget it, and what changes did it make during that time that shapè your mind today.

I was speaking idiomatically.

It happens to me all the time and, to be quite honest, it scares the sh*t out of me sometimes. It's almost always when I'm happy and having a good time when my flashbacks start to kick in. Flashbacks concerning a family member and a near death experience in great detail. I was only about 2 years old yet I can recall how many trees and how many cars were on the block as if I was actually there. Anyone I ask concerning the incident avoids the subject completely. I don't know why these memories strike me when I'm at a high point in life, maybe my memory is trying to balance out something?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Harry Mason

Krelian, doesn't that freak you out a little. All that time lost. What could have happened over such a large period of time that would make your mind want to forget it, and what changes did it make during that time that shapè your mind today.

I've honestly never really given it a huge amount of thought. It was my mother's impetus to move me to a different school afterwards (apparently nobody would go near me when I returned), and I don't know if I actually did ever have any real memories of that time, but... I'm totally in the dark.

Maybe it damaged me, maybe it didn't. It's still baffling that I can perfectly recall most things from around the age of two onwards, but I'm missing a large chunk of time right there.

Perhaps I should get it examined one day.

FELIPE NO

GEt a really good shrink to examine you. Repressed memories is like blood in the water.

I've always had a hideous memory. Lots of things I can barely remember, but I don't think I have any major gaps. For instance, I barely remember high school. I remember people, teachers, classes, the layout of the place but I barely remember anything specific until about senior year. I guess I just don't give these sorts of things much thought.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Yeah, like lurky says, Im gonna eventually see a shrink to hypnotize me or whatever. I want to know what it is that happened.

Most amazing jew boots

My mother died of breast cancer when I was 7 or 8 years old, and I'm apparently missing the last two months of her life from my memory. The way I remember things she was just very tired from the chemotherapy and spent most of her time asleep in the living room. Then one morning she died in her sleep, and that day I remember quite vividly.

While talking to my father about a month ago though, he mentioned offhand how she was in a coma for two months before she died, and the only time she was lucid during that period was one morning while I was at school a few days before her death. I can't remember those two months at all; my memory jumps from 2 months prior straight to the day she died.

I don't dwell on it much, but it's very disconcerting to realize such a large chunk of time is missing.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Why do you think you need to break the defense?
Just curiosity? Your first post sounds a little like something triggered a flashback or a similar experience.

I also once asked a shrink to do that, but she said that I should really reconsider. She would just have a crying wreck in her office and neither of us would gain something from it.

Well, I reconsidered and ended therapy a few sessions from then.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Im not sure if you were asking me or not, but I feel I need to get the bottom of it because the curiosity is killing me. I already have plenty of other harsh things I've done and have had done to me as a child burned in my memory. Whatever it is now isn't going to ruin some ideal life of mine or anything.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I remember a lot of things. I don't try to repress them. In fact I think my being deaf greatly depended on my visual memory. I can recall as far as I was two years old at least. Even the most vivid and vicious memories I can recall... like my mother scraping my thigh with a broken piece of vase to remind me not to break anything ever again. I even have a reinforced memory later at sitting at a table picking at the scab that she gave me on my left thigh while looking at her when she was being angry at something. That what I mean by vicious memories. Too many damn horrid memories of being with my mother BEFORE I was five years old. And you'd think no toddler would remember this kind of shit that young.

I like to believe that memories kinda helped to round me out in whole. Who you are can be reflected from your past...

But I did have a gap when I kept insisting that day when I last saw my mother before she died was the night she was taken to the hospital for the last time... she was... how do I put it... she was more than out of it, she plainly as fucked up as anyone can be from a serious STD. I wasn't sure how long she stayed at the hospital or how long before she died I last saw her. I also recall that we also went to a foster home at one point and stayed there for maybe 3 weeks... but I do remember waking up at the apt to find grandma and the rest of the family there to help to move furniture out. Took a hour or so for my grandma to get her act together to get my brother and I alone in a room to let us know that she finally died. And not only that, she died like on June 25th and school then didn't close for summer til late May or early June and I definitely recall a lot of days when I stayed home to "take care of mom" and left school early in general too. Its possible that we were sent to the foster home when grandma arrived finally (probably right around when school let out) and realized the gravity of the situation (they don't talk... long BS story here) and got us put into the damn home for awhile as she probably took care of things involving my mother at the hospital. So I wasn't sure if I saw her 3 weeks or so BEFORE she died or a few days... :\ The whole thing is rather fucked up really all the same... :\

I second the poster said that its not worth opening a pandora's box for mere curiousity. Be careful what you ask for...

I was speaking idiomatically.

It doesn't always happen to me, but sometimes I suddenly remember a pleasant memory from my childhood. It's often a memory from school or about an old friend, but I notice that those memories return if I'm currently experiencing a hardship.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Philia

I second the poster said that its not worth opening a pandora's box for mere curiousity. Be careful what you ask for...

I wonder about that sometimes though. Obviously there was a reason why my mind blocked off memories in the first place, but at the same time it can be very frustrating to know that they're gone. What if those memories were only too painful at the time when they were blocked, and it could make me a better person by facing it now? At the same time, unlocking those memories could be extremely painful with nothing at all to gain, like SenorKaffee said. I'm not just referring to the memory blank that I already posted about either, more in general.

I suppose it all comes down to whether or not you can trust your unconscious mind's decision and live with the curiousity. Unless I suspected it was something that I willingly repressed or should be grateful for the absence of, I'd lean more towards recovering the memories.

FELIPE NO

Well let me explain to you in a way I understand it.

As a child you don't really need to "trust" anyone outside of your family circle then. As you get a bit older into your teens, you gain trust of your friends and so forth. As an adult you trust your general population as a driver, shopper, etc etc.

Take me for example, I didn't realize my mother was abusive til I was older. My grandma commented to me once that I was actually showing fear when my mother came home one day (from a drug rehab). I didn't understand but I actually do remember that. My shyness was part of it. I couldn't trust anyone at all to treat me any better than my own mother. This kinda preset a shit load of psychological baggage. Trust me.

What's really shitty that I as an adult, I realized my fucking family knew. They all did. Guilty bastards. And how do I look at them now? Its possible that the times were "different" then for anyone to be capable of much. But still, do I hold them accountable as a family member? I never held much of a bond with anyone except my brother and my grandma.

My brother is my most precious best friend (he's younger than me) I'd do anything to protect. Why? Pretty much everything that happened to me did absolved him from it since he was younger and yet I got most of the backlash. I kinda get really angry when my brother starts talking about our mother like she's some great hardworking mom. I'm like WTF, are you HIGH as heaven? But after talking to him about it, I realized he does NOT remember much of her... she died when he was only like 9... and I left it at that. I rather to have him treasure a little bit of a memory he had with his mom as a good memory.

Seriously, some memories can rock your own soul to the core of your being to gain perceptives of people you thought you knew... and worse, you thought you loved. For a good example... my grandma. How can she stand idlely by as her daughter snatched us (bro and I) into a beat up red truck with her boyfriend of god knows how long and go disappear for a year. A year before she died. Its really messed up. I don't understand why my grandma let that happen especially after knowing that my mother was in drug rehab for a good while and is extremely sick. I remember they got into a fight, and you know what my mom did after she took us? She bought us a piece of toy. :\ I actually remember the toy. And I still have it. :\ Knowing what I know now doesn't help me realizing such cruel methods of my mother. More I grew older, the more I fucking hate her. And she's dead, and most of these damning memories couldn't help me to absolve any of them with her. I'd ask the family members if they remember, but they don't remember anything beyond my own brother did. Just mostly drama like stories. Just overhead details. Not the intermediate details... :\ And then you learn a whole new meaning of DENIAL.

So basically when you're questioning your memories, you kinda start questioning THEIRS. Just too much distrust is not worth the ripping the gap between the family, if possible already there. I already abandoned my own family a long time ago, when I moved a few states away, I just don't look back. But I do miss my brother who I love very much. You just kinda hold those type of people very much closer.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I have a really bad memory. There are gaps at times but usually I don't question them because I know from what friends and family have said that it's not as if I'm repressing something serious. Just everyday things that I forget.

There are only two times where I can't seem to recall a thing but they were related to much more serious issues. I know exactly what I was doing before and after but then there's this blank space in my memory. The first time was when I was much younger, and I would rather not go into what exactly it was. I know what happened because I know where I was and who I was with before the gap, and then after I was freaking out about it. I'm glad I can't recall anything actually. I think some things should stay forgotten.

The second time was witnessed by a clinical nurse, so I know it happened. In my own mind I lost about an hour, but I didn't even know until my doctor brought it up a few weeks later. Apparently I just stood up and stayed completely still for a while, not talking or responding to anything. Then I went on as if nothing happened. Clinically I think it's referred to as a catatonic state. My mind just shut down because I needed some mental breathing space.

I think repression is paradoxal; In conditions such as PTSD it would be incredibly useful, as it is more the memory itself that is causing distress, not the way you act because of it (if I remember correctly). However, sometimes memories need to be recalled in order to understand why people are the way they are.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I've been told that my memory is eidetic. I am not sure if thats the case but I do know that I have the potential to remember things very vividly. If the experience is dramatic enough, then I can remember things to the merest detail. Such as the placement of fixtures in a room that I was in at 2 years of age. Its been 22 years and I can still remember that room like it was yesterday.

Other memories, painful ones reside in a dark place of my mind. Experiences from a few years ago might be forgotten if traumatic enough. I don't like the aspect of dissociation but the psyche can often be quite fragile, either that or the horrors of life to vivid to contend with emotionally at any given time. The mind is an amazing creature in that it is a self healing and self protecting. Whether it is better to learn to survive in lieu of emotional sensitivity and insight or spend the rest of one's life running, a prisoner to their own mind and broken memories, is fairly obvious.

At any rate, I've held off certain memories of events that put me in a state of shock and/or paralysis but it is no way to live.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'm missing gaps of time from unfortunate experiences in childhood that I learned about later, and most of adolescence has been reduced to memory of objects or smells or short "scenes" that made some sort of impression. I can't remember when things happened or in what order, or often who did what. My memories are unreliable (I clearly remember people I never met, and forget people that I did.) Sometimes I confuse my history with my sisters or mothers, not intentionally but, methinks, because I empathize intensely. Sometimes it is hard to answer questions from people because the memories just aren't there and few would believe that. But that is off the subject.

The gaps aren't something I want to fill. It seems that it would hurt too much, and wouldn't give me anything to remember.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

On a much lighter note than that under which I made this thread: I can't remember much since Saturday night!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?