Coming out to family and friends

OK, so for the uninitiated, I'm gay (technically bi, but I'm more into guys). I have no problem telling people I only know online, but my family and RL friends are a little different. Being the cool people the are, I don't think any of them will have any problem with it (assuming they don't already know by now), but it's still awkward to talk about. How the hell do I bring this up in a conversation?

Also, in which order do I go about telling people? It seems like such a chore. Give me some pointers. Thanks.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Just for the record here I am not a doctor nor am I gay or bi. What I offer are opinions, whether you take it as advice is your own choosing.

Well the thing most people would say is to wait for the right time to talk to friends and family (and this is true you should wait for the right time). However, what they do not say is what a "Right Time" is.

To me a "Right Time" can usually only be felt. However I find that the right time to talk about anything is when everything is calm, the mood is somewhat glad, or happy (like right after a fun activity with friends and family) and when nothing serious has come up recently (I use recently very loosely, I'm saying that if nothin big happend that day and it's the after noon, then that is a good time span). However avoid the Bad times. For instance, right after the target has a major negative episode is never a good time to come out. Also when the target is drunk or in a panic is also not a good time. Even if the target experiences a very negative episode that is completely unrelated to your subject, this will most likely not hurt your standing with the person at all.

Another issue that you brought up was who to tell first. In this kind of situation, I would talk to the person closest to you (Whether it be parents, friends, or family it's up to you [if you can't decide then go with the parents]). Another thing I would ask of them is to tell them to keep it a secret between the others that you know untill you tell everyone. Having someone else tell another target what you want to tell them can have a very negative impact as well as the possibility of making them avoid you before you have a chance to talk to them.

With the right timing and a smart analyzation of the surroundings, then you can reveal anything to anyone.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I came out to "lesser" family members first... well, just one, my closest cousin. You usually will know if they don't have a problem with it based on their personality or if you've overheard conversations on the subject.

I came out to my mother by "accident", long story :P. I knew she wouldn't care because she had said so on a couple occasions when arguing with someone over that topic... but it's still a weird thing to just bring up out of nowhere. I told myself I wouldn't do it until I was going out with someone, which actually became the case. Then again, it was pretty much necessary because I still live at home, so when I get asked where I'm going, I'd rather not lie.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Well, with difficult issues, with me, I always thought the best way to handle it was to openly admit that there's no easy way to approach the topic. Me, I made some comment about Caesar that prompted someone to ask if I was gay and I said yes. I don't think that's the best way to go. More like "there's no easy way to say this but I want to get it off my chest."

Also, regarding family/friends. Will your family care whether you tell them first or last? Some would be offended/hurt/angered that you didn't come to them first, especially if they hear it from someone else.

And don't pussyfoot around the issue either. Maybe it's just my experience, but you're already risking condemnation and contempt, don't add seeming cowardice to the mix. And if you're still dependent, I'd recommend packing essentials and having them handy BEFORE telling. Just in case.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I think up to a certain age you pretty much have an idea of how the people you're close with would handle the news. If your family is anything like you or your brother then I'm sure they wouldn't give it a second thought. You could either wait until the situation calls for it or get it over with and nonchalantly mutter something over the TV ;p. I honestly don’t see the point in telling them if the circumstances aren’t demanding it. If you’re living your life freely and questions arise, then it’s up to you to dispel the confusion. Or if you were to have a conversation about relationships or anything concerning a significant other, that’d be a pretty choice opportunity.

I’m rather open (or at least, I try to be) where my sexuality is involved. I don’t want to limit who I could fall in love with if the chemistry is there. However my situation is slightly different from yours and if a homosexual relationship were to occur, I’d have to be prepared for the worst. Not out of pessimism but realistically speaking, I wouldn’t have a home.

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This might sound silly, but what is the point of telling them? Obviously it might come up eventually if you're in a relationship or naturally in conversation, but aside from that I don't see the point of drawing attention to it. Seems like it reinforces the idea that its abnormal.

Admittedly I've never had a close relationship with my family, so I might be missing something.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

You know what? If you don't feel comfortable, then don't tell them. If you think they need to know, then tell them. Just shrink the feelings and tell them.

If it is a chore, then don't do it. Just tell people you know when you are comfortable enough around them.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by The Wise Vivi

You know what? If you don't feel comfortable, then don't tell them. If you think they need to know, then tell them. Just shrink the feelings and tell them.

If it is a chore, then don't do it. Just tell people you know when you are comfortable enough around them.

I couldn't agree more. Whatever you do, just don't let it bug you too much. It got to me a little too much a while back - I guess wanting to stop lying to your friends about being bi (with a pref. for men, just like you :P) and having best friends that are more or less homophobic isn't the greatest combination. I'm even having trouble telling a friend that I know won't be bothered (because she's already friends with a gay guy). . .

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

This is just my opinion from personal experience.

First off this matter was very painful for me to bring up to family and friends and I do know what you are going through to some degree. The major problem I had was not knowing what friends and family were going to say.

You need to be comfortable with telling friends and family about being gay, don’t let it be forced or spontaneous. Don’t let this cause anxiety either, if you must tell some one do so, don’t let it consume you. The biggest rule is just be honest with yourself and don’t feel uncomfortable with you attraction. Love is love, one should never be obligated to take a path just because it is societies norm.

Now for the telling people part, only when you are ready and don’t feel anxious about it (well as least anxious as possible). First off ask yourself: do your friends and family love you? If the answer is yes than be at ease as they will accept you! Its hard to pick a perfect opportunity for telling people. I would recommend you do it in a place with little to no distraction, a quiet place if you will. Speak your true feelings, don’t cloud them. Be direct, and most importantly don’t be ashamed as there is nothing to be ashamed about!!!

Tell the people you have a closest bond with first (or the people you share with the most). In most cases it will hurt your friends and family if you don’t tell them. In the end don’t show people your false self.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Thanks for the help so far, everyone. I agree there's no need to tell if you're not involved with anyone, however, I recently got into dating a guy, so it would nice to be truthful about things.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Although it would be nice to clear the air if you are dating, I think that you should only broach the subject when you are ready. That way you don't have to worry about what to say, you'll be prepared, and maybe it won't feel so awkward to talk about. Until then, treat your sexual preferences as they are; a personal matter. You shouldn't feel obliged to share if it makes you feel anxious in any way.

Personally I don't think I will ever understand why it's such a big deal; people are entitled to their opinions and I can respect that, but if they are truly supportive of you then it shouldn't cause any tension.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Quote:

Thanks for the help so far, everyone. I agree there's no need to tell if you're not involved with anyone, however, I recently got into dating a guy, so it would nice to be truthful about things.

Yeah, that changes it, then. =p It also gives you a way to bring it up, though it might not be the BEST way.

I used to worry a lot about how I would tell people, and I'd try to think of a good time to bring it up, or so on and so forth, but it would never happen. This went on for a couple of years, and then I just decided that it wasn't worth stressing out about it. For the time being, it doesn't matter whether they know or not; I'm not actively seeking a relationship, and I'm not dating, so what does it matter? I felt like if it ever came up, I had no reason to avoid the topic, but no point mixing things up otherwise.

Now, the only problem with this advice is that I still haven't come out yet. =p No real reason to, as I can tell. I expect a fairly negative reaction, but it's really a matter of risk versus reward: it's not going to change anything in my life, for better or worse, by making a big stint of it. The second it starts impacting my life, though, it's not worth it any more -- I'm going to have to come out EVENTUALLY, so once I see some benefit in it I'll go for it.


I guess to answer your original question, "don't ask don't tell" works best. Not because you should hide it, or you should try to hide it, but if it really doesn't matter, you shouldn't worry about it. You know? If it comes up in conversation, that's great; it's one less hassle.


My thoughts are REALLY disconnected right now but maybe you got the gist of the post anyway. =P Best of luck!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Quote:

For the time being, it doesn't matter whether they know or not; I'm not actively seeking a relationship, and I'm not dating, so what does it matter?

Yeah, that's the way I've been handling it as well. I have the added advantage of being out to about half the people I know but I'm terrified of the reaction for the other half (who are more conservative). Since I have no active reason to tell people, I don't feel it's any of their business.

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It's good that it's likely few will have a problem with you coming out. If your parents will be supportive, it's probably best to start with them, especially if they might hear from your friends if you came out to them first. If not, I think it's the friends that you have the biggest emotional bond with that should be told initially and less important friends later. It's not obligatory that you tell anyone, but once you start, it's probably best not to stop, because people hearing via others can be a terrible thing. Timing is essential.

I'm not sure if it's possible to 'come out' comfortably, at least at first. It's an awkward issue to breach with elements of unpredictability. Saying 'I'm gay/bi' in the middle of a social occasion is a bit of a conversation killer. Getting people to 'sit down' and saying I have something important to say can be effective, but it still requires the courage to say a few words. At least in my experience, though, it's worth it; the relief in just getting those words out can be immediately comforting and allow you to talk openly about the issue further. That's especially so if you find it hard to be vocal about something major unless the circumstances are right. Basically, I think the discomfort of breaching the issue can be reversed by the relief of getting it off your chest.

I told those that I had an emotional bond with personally, but didn't feel the need to tell everyone I knew explicitly, just the most important ones. I think it's good to sometimes let the grapevine do the talking if you have a friend that is able to tell some people; it saves awkwardness and allows people to settle with the idea before making a response to you (if they make one at all). Letters and email can be effective too and allow you to state/explain precisely; it might seem like cowardice, but if you make it clear why you're doing it that way and that you will be happy to talk about it once the issue is breached, most understand. I wouldn't recommend doing that for all parties, though, obviously.

I came out last week to university friends / acquaintances, largely because I'm on the verge of starting a relationship. I feel relieved and refreshed that I did, even if I only told ten or so people face-to-face. Basically, everyone knows now and it's been a pleasant resolution to many years of anxiety. I told my parents last year because I felt obliged too, but regretted it soon after. However, I now have nothing to do with them and have become emotionally independent. The loss of the family bond does make me feel lonely, but I function fine without it and the rejection has allowed me to let my life progress in the way I've wanted it too. I'm now the happiest I've been, stress aside, and coming out has been a big factor. I don't think any rejection is the end of the world if you have decent self-esteem, though it sounds like you won't have to face that.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Why should you tell them anywayth. If they ask you about your sexuality, then just tell them the truth if you're eagered for them to know. It's not like your typical heterosexual person will go up to someone and say, "hey I'm straight and I like whatever." People now a days don't really care. It's really your life. Don't feel obligated to tell people your business.

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Thanks for all of the responses, they've all been helpful. Well, I have been contemplating when I should come out, but it has not happened. I just haven't found a comfortable time. Furthermore, I'm now single again by process of mutual break-up. I don't think I'll need to worry about this for some time.

How ya doing, buddy?

Damn, the only time I can offer advice on comingoutness (I'm also bi but guys pwn more) and the topic gets resolved before I can make it. ._.

But yeah, like others say and like I'm probably making tautological, it's good that you're waiting for the right time after all. In the end you can't really unsay it, after all, so you have to choose wisely and when you know deep down it's right. Sometimes you need not ever come out to some people, others, you should tell sooner. >_> Luckily my family were easy to tell it to (and half guessed anyway), not to mention a certain other thing of mine. >_>

Jam it back in, in the dark.