Do you ever get the response?

Hey guys,

Just curious, have you ever asked the question to a girl (or in the other case, a guy) "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?" And they answer, "Well, sort of." or "Yeah, but not to sure what's going on" or "Its kinda unstable right now..." etc. Something along those lines.

The thing is, I get this answer often. Possibly, they are doing it to get ride of me, but they actually do have boyfriends. Its not to scare me away or anything.

Question: Why do you think people in relationships answer this way? Do you think they feel confident about their relationships? Just trying to get attention from someone else?

Would be an interesting insight....

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Hm. Can't recall if I've ever gotten a response like that. Maybe they are just fishing for attention. But you have to take into account their personality when making such a judgment.

Maybe it's a test. To see whether or not you're the type of guy who'll help them with their problems or sweep them away from a stationary relationship. I don't know, women aren't that calculating, are they?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

oh man... this reminds me of my friend...

she's been in a 2 year relationship with her boyfriend (and still are together) but some time last year, some guy from our school got interested in her and asked her if she has a boyfriend. She told him no when she really did have a BF. Later she explained to me that being in a relationship gets kinda boring sometimes and that she needed some fun. While she wasn't exactly cheating on her boyfriend, she hung out with the guy a lot as friends and he turned out to be a real creep. Anyways the way she ditched the guy was invited him to hang out with ALL her friends and her boyfriend was there too and she was especially lovey-dovey with her boyfriend in front of the guy. The guy got really pissed off and I swear, he was gonna punch her BF but I had to stop him... it was the scariest thing I've ever done... stopping some guy with raised fists anyways...

To answer your questions....

Quote:

Why do you think people in relationships answer this way? Do you think they feel confident about their relationships?

Because once you're in a relationship, you're staring at the same person for so long it gets kinda boring. You need a fresh face form time to time... and especially if they're in an extremely long term relationship, they have the confidence that by hanging out with someone new it won't ruin the current relationship, not unless if things get intensely intimate between them and the new mate....

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I never ask that generally....
but i could surely answer "in some kind" or something like that. It depends from who requires.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

i may be a straight guy, but when people ask me if i'm in a relationship, and i answer with that response nowadays. Honestly, i say it because at this point it could go either way. Tomorrow i might not be involved with this girl anymore, or things could get better. Ultimatly, i think it's something you say to avoid writting something in stone that you know shouldn't be.

I could easily see it being used to get sympathy, or as some sort of test like described above though.

I was speaking idiomatically.

There are a couple of reasons.

They don't want to scare you away. They don't want to hurt your attempt. Answering straight "I've got a boyfriend" sounds like she's not being open-minded , or the other person could misunderstand it as "I've got nothing to do with you, not even trying".

Also, girls want attention, as much as possible. She can only have one boyfriend but it can't harm to have others worshipping her as well.

In addition, it would be rude or even arrogant to assume the guy wants some relationship only because he is asking this question. Maybe it's just some light talk and easy get-to-know.

Or they tell the truth.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Personally, I won't respond that way -- I'll tell the truth. If I have a girlfriend, I have a girlfriend, and no matter how I feel about my relationship, no amount of waffling is going to make that go away.

Also, not being straight about these things can lead to some sticky misunderstandings, as Flara's friend demonstrated...

FELIPE NO

I'm in the same relationship. My partner is always ignoring me or the next day, we have to urgently see each other. It's like an on-and-off thing. It is hard because we have feelings for each other, and do not wish to lose one another. Even though it is not a traditional relationship, we do not see other people, because there is still a deep feeling we sometimes are afraid to express.

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Originally Posted by Hot Pink

I'm in the same relationship. My partner is always ignoring me or the next day, we have to urgently see each other. It's like an on-and-off thing. It is hard because we have feelings for each other, and do not wish to lose one another. Even though it is not a traditional relationship, we do not see other people, because there is still a deep feeling we sometimes are afraid to express.

I think your situation would be easier to understand if you would elaborate some. Why is it that you ignore each other one day and urgently need to see eachother the next, is there not a 'happy medium' in your relationship? Also, what are the feelings you have for eachother that inhibit the two of you from moving on? Just curious .

Jam it back in, in the dark.

A few things to note here...

One, if you ask a girl "Do you have a boyfriend?" or say "So... are you seeing anyone?" or something like that, it implies on a subconscious level that you are interested in knowing this information because you want to know if you have a chance of being her boyfriend. Even if you have no such desire. Oftentimes girls will reply "Umm... kind of" for a few reasons. One may be that she's single but just wants to get rid of you because you've asked her the same question as three or four other guys already that day. Maybe she's single but really interested in some other guy. It could be that she does have a boyfriend, and things aren't going so hot so she's being very honest (hardly ever happens.) Another may be that she has a boyfriend but she's more interested in you (happens more than the last one, actually.) And finally, she may have a boyfriend who she's madly in love with and doesn't want anything to do with you (this and the first one are the most common.)

In any case, asking questions like this is a bad idea. The best way to find out if someone is single is to be totally direct and not imply anything with your question. Look her straight in the eye and ask her, "Are you single?" This communicates ONLY that you want to know if she's single. She's left wondering why you want to know - is it because you want to take her on a date? Wanna do her? Wanna have a relationship? Wanna make fun of her for having a dumb boyfriend? Wanna make fun of her for being single? And her only choice is to just respond "yes" or "no." Sometimes you'll get the occasional "sort of" and you can say something like "Yeah, I understand what you mean by 'sort of'... my girlfriend would get pretty mad if she found out about my mistress... and I don't even wanna know what my WIFE would say!" And that will get her laughing, break the ice between you, and she'll finally answer your question directly. And if she asks you why you want to know, you can either tell her the simple truth - that you think she's attractive - or, even better, you can say something like "Well, I'm doing a survey to see how many ugly girls and how many attractive girls are single, kinda figure out the ratio there." And if she asks if she's an ugly girl or an attractive one, just kinda laugh and shake your head at her like she's ridiculous for being so insecure, and DON'T answer. Just say "...Are you gonna answer the question or not?" If she gives you resistance and won't answer, just shrug and go "Okay, I'll come back to you later when you're not so difficult." Then to offset the sting of those words, give her a wink and a smile.

Mixed signals, man. Girls do this to guys ALL THE TIME (hence the "umm... i sort of have a boyfriend" lines) ... do it to them first, and they'll want to be around you, just as much as guys want to be around girls who give THEM mixed signals... for some weird reason.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Damn.... I hate giving mixed signals.... just complicates things. I am a very honest person.... too honest sometimes. And as a result, I can get carried away in my ramblings. I have a hard time "playing the game" because I think it just messes things up. I just want to be straight out...

Are you saying I shouldn't be.... so much?

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

No no, be honest, and straight-out, but ... it's like economics. The minute something is in demand, the price goes up. Same with girls - once they know they're wanted, the price goes up... no wait, that's hookers. Once they know they're wanted, they make themselves more difficult to GET.

There's a difference between lying, and joking around with or busting on somebody. Think of how you would act with your very best friend... you'll say things that are edgy, sometimes ALMOST insulting that would make you both laugh, things like that. I myself would say "Okay, I'll come back later when you're not being such a difficult bastard" to my best friend, and grin at him to let him know I was joking. Of course, I wouldn't call a woman I just met a "bitch" (or really ANY woman, unless she was one) but all the rest of it will work great.

It's not really lying and it's not really mixed signals, but it IS a way to get them thinking about you as totally different from any other guy.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I never ask a girl if she has a boyfriend. And if you think about it, there's absolutely no reason why you should ask.

What does her boyfriend have to do with ME and HER? Absolutely nothing.

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Read the above.
Repeat it.

Then if you still feel you HAVE to know for some weird reason, use my technique. I used it last night, but slightly differently.
Me: "I'm taking you out."
Her: "Uh... wh... what?"
Me: "What? Are you single?"
Her: "Well, yeah..."
Me: "Okay, then I'm taking you out."
Her: "Wow. Okay. I'm... still in shock mode, no guy has ever been that direct before..."
Me: "Yeah, interesting, isn't it? Way better than 'Uhh... do you have a boyfriend?' or 'So... would you like to go out sometime, like, i dunno, to a movie or something?'"
Her: "Definitely. HEY! Let's go to the ghost town after!"

And so on.

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:WOW:

Like seriously, that is how I used to be... geezzz... I really need to lay back. I have been so worried about trying to make the right impression, be careful etc., when I should just be casual, interesting, and just be myself. If she does want to go have a good time or something, then fine. I will just have to move on.

Thanks guys!

FELIPE NO

^^
Wow does that usually work in such a case? I always thought that one would have to be really formal and somewhat subtle instead of being that blatantly direct. I would have expected them to be somewhat hesitant? Though I guess it depends on the girl meh.

How ya doing, buddy?

Eh. I'm not one to say that one thing will always work without exception - just that it HAS so far for me... and honestly I can say I've gotten about ten times as many dates THIS way, than I ever did a year or so ago being the overly-nice gentleman about asking girls out. When you make a big deal about it, the girl makes a big deal out of it, and gets uncomfortable.
Me: "I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner sometime."
Her thoughts: "...well that was unoriginal. But he is a nice guy. I guess I could..." She says: "Sure, that'd be fun."
Me: "Great!"
Her, an indefinite amount of time later: "Hey, sorry, um, I can't go, I had something come up, maybe some other time, okay?"
Me: "Okay, cool, yeah no big deal." *... YU H8? *

Sound familiar, at least vaguely?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Actually that happened to me about 95% of the time when I asked in that identitcal manner.
Basically she says sure then turns around and cops out with an excuse after a few moments. Yep pretty much identical scenario. Movies, lunches, etc.... Never really clicked why they say sure and then back out.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Ayos

Eh. I'm not one to say that one thing will always work without exception - just that it HAS so far for me... and honestly I can say I've gotten about ten times as many dates THIS way, than I ever did a year or so ago being the overly-nice gentleman about asking girls out. When you make a big deal about it, the girl makes a big deal out of it, and gets uncomfortable.
Me: "I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner sometime."
Her thoughts: "...well that was unoriginal. But he is a nice guy. I guess I could..." She says: "Sure, that'd be fun."
Me: "Great!"
Her, an indefinite amount of time later: "Hey, sorry, um, I can't go, I had something come up, maybe some other time, okay?"
Me: "Okay, cool, yeah no big deal." *... YU H8? *

Sound familiar, at least vaguely?

Yep, that has happened to me. In many cases, even for the most simple invitations (such as a movie, coffee, etc). Obviously, I need to try something different. Because currently, the way I am doing things, haven't got me much for positive results.

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The reason they back out is simple... they think it over and decide that it's not worth the effort, or they get scared of you taking it all too seriously, or something along those lines. Harsh, but true.

The best "date" is, in my opinion, one where you can have fun and converse. Movies and food are quite possibly the worst two date ideas ever, which is funny cause they're the traditional fallback dates.
Go out for some coffee, like you mentioned, but make it less about the coffee and more about talking with each other and enjoying each other's company. Don't make it too long, leave when things seem great, like they couldn't get any better - it'll make her want to see you again even MORE.
If you prefer doing something more active, the best date I ever went on, we went and played tennis (we both sucked) and then ran through the sprinklers (yeah, first grade anyone?) and then went back to her place and had brownies or something, then when I sensed things were about to wind down, I left. It was awesome. Total fun, and you could practically see the attraction building.

But I don't think you should be taking my word for any of this, despite how accurate it is. After all... my GFF rating shows just how many asshats think I'm a loser.

I find that hilarious

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?