My cousin just died...

Not crying is fairly common. I've heard about this phenomenon a lot and experienced it myself when my best friend committed suicide last year. Everyone has different ways of dealing with emotional turmoil, and perhaps crying just isn't yours. But be sure to find some outlet for your emotions - doing things you like, talking to friends and family, getting councelling, etc. In fact, it seems you might be engaging in some harmful thoughts that might affect your regular life possibly from now on, so I would strongly advise you to talk to a grief councellor. He or she can tell you how to let go of your negative thoughts so your grief doesn't negatively impact on your regular life in the long term.

Jam it back in, in the dark.