GFF Literary Workshop: Week 5

Okay so I just read your submission, Helloween. I'll try not to echo anyone else's opinion too much, so my impressions might seem choppy.

I did enjoy the non-linearness of the story. I thought it was great to see the narrator reflect on past events during his walk through that cold wintry day. It was as if the gray sky and dirty snow sparked the memories that transpired. So I liked that.
I also enjoyed the flow from the one girl kissing the narrator, to the present, to the MSN conversation. It was unexpected but welcomed, and seemed to juxtapose things in a way that fit the story.

My problem with the story is that even though it seemed to be an emotional story, I didn't feel any of it. Maybe I would have to get in the right mood to really do that, but I wasn't feeling it. So every part that tried to express emotion, at least to me, fell kind of flat.

But I have to agree with Ozma about the poems interspersed in the prose. They don't really fit the rest of it all. I think that if you really wanted to put poetry in the story you should have done it throughout instead of just at the end. As it sits now it's kind of awkward and doesn't read well with the rest of it.

Jam it back in, in the dark.