The One Shot Joke Thread.

Single jokes, riddles and anything similiar for laughs goes here.

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your doctor's bill!!
--------------------------------------------


> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
> Officer: Don't have one?
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
> Officer: Why not?
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
> Officer: Stole it?
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
> Officer: You what?
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
>want to see
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
>officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Th! e
>woman steps out of her vehicle.
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
> stolen this car and murdered the owner.
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
> ! Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> The officer is quite stunned.
> Off! icer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>license
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
>the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too


I'll post more later.

Most amazing jew boots

Joke about a blonde guy.
------------------------
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of
a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one
more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm
going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Fish paste
again! If I get a fish paste sandwich one more time,
I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and
jumped, too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the fish paste and
jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him
again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The
blond's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own
lunch."
______________________________

Birth Control in Liverpool
-----------------------
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.

There's nowhere I can't reach.