Dealing With Depression

I've had depression for ten years now and I'm still depressed. It started when I entered high school. I hated it so much, yet there wasn't anything that I could do about it. Failing numerous classes and my teen-frustration phase bordered on eventual apathy and almost dropping out. I somehow still managed to get my diploma, but all of my college years were pretty much the same way because of my depression. I'm also a loner, so by the end of the day, I realize that I'm still the only one without a circle of friends to call my own which makes the depression worse. Because of depression, I started avoiding people, thinking no one really cared anyway (something I still believe today) and used to stay in my room talking to myself. After ten years though, I feel that I can't return to the my old self where I had a more positive outlook. I really don't know how to cope with depression. I just repress myself, because I know people will only tell me "there are others suffering more than you." That's not what I need to hear.

Before going to bed every night, I just wish that I never woke up again. It always feels like everyone else's lives are so much better than mine. Everyone is productive and responsible and have dreams and have friends that encourage/support them. I don't have any of that, so I feel worthless every day. I pretend to be positive, just so I can hide the fact that I'm a loser. I've thought of suicide many times and attempted it twice. Now I just feel like overdosing on sleeping pills or something. Many times I think, if I were someone else and had a positive attitude, the reasons for living would be abundant. I can't do that. I can't change the way I feel even if people told me to change my attitude. I've tried many times, but the grief just resurfaces again. I've also tried exercising, going outside for walks and going to the movies once in a while, but that's only temporary relief for me. As for psychiatrists? I don't like taking the same redundant advices as it only discourages me more for some unexplainable reason.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by LordsSword

Try putting some energy into a charitable cause.

I have done that before. I used to donate to children's hospitals and stuff like that. I still help people whenever possible and it does feel good doing that, but my problem still lingers like a parasite.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Wanzer Radio

Donating is a lot like throwing money at a problem. It helps the cause but it doesn't help you. Putting energy into a charitable cause is more along the lines of getting off your ass and doing something you can look back at and see. The key word is energy. I'm not going to assume you're clueless over this, Erisu.

My bad for not mentioning the specifics. Back when I used to be religious, I attended church and took part in a lot of physical activities where helping people less fortunate was a focus. Salvation Army was one of the places. But, if that's not energetic contribution, then I don't know what is.

Originally Posted by Crash Landon

Even if you're not the social type, there's stuff to do. You don't even need to be part of a group. Get a garbage bag and go to the park or a popular place, then pick up all the trash as you safely can. Who cares if anyone thanks you? You've done the community a service and you know what you did. That's all that really matters. But if you keep at it, maybe others will notice. Some may even be inspired to join in. You never know what could come of something so simple and selfless.

This sounds like a good idea. I might do it.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.