Money matters (relationship-related monies style ANGST)

Originally Posted by Bob

I have lent and lent and lent and lent and lent him money over the past year, always on the assurance that I will get it back but I have not seen one penny of it.

You've learned a valuable lesson, which is to always assume that loaned money will never be returned.

You could give him a talk about the value of budgeting, but clearly he has budgeted your generosity into his lifestyle. Wean him off of it. I'm not saying that you should cut him off entirely, merely that as long as you're financing more than your share of the relationship, you get more than your share of the say. Take him to see Aphex Twin because you wanted to go, not because he really wants to.

Frame these changes in a way that suggests that you are concerned with your finances and are trying to cut back. Which is exactly what you're saying right now, that you're tired of his spending habits affecting your finances so negatively.

Answering your question? I don't think it's patronizing to talk to him about his spending habits. I don't think it will do you much good, either, until you start protecting your pocketbook from him.

Additionally:

Quote:

This from a man who reminded me three times over within five minutes that I owed him £6, on the night that he lent me the money in the first place.

In my experience I've found that reminding the offending party about how much they owe me, and how this £6 will help repay that debt, helps. At least it helps my ego, I don't really give a damn about anything else.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Bob

The problem is that if I don't front some money every now and then we have to stay in because of how bad he is at budgeting for things himself. There's only so much time you can spend in someone's house doing the same shit over and over before you start to get a mild sense of cabin fever. This is one of the reasons I don't understand how he can be so badly off for money, because he doesn't really do that much. Even when I'm not there it'll be just a couple in the pub with his mates, maybe just a bit aside for a smoke, and that's about it.

I don't think that a talk, or several talks, about budgeting will fix this problem. You can still try, I am just not optimistic that this guy will be able to learn how to hang onto money without a big traumatic to-do about it. Especially if all his money disappears due to his convenience, not because he has expensive hobbies or anything like that.

So the next thing you should ask yourself is how comfortable are you in this situation of always having to provide entertainment for the two of you.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

So he's lazy, is the problem.

Lazy and mooches off of your desperation.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

If the relationship isn't working for you, it's time to let go. Even if it's not working for you due to problems you have yourself that you need to work through. You'll have a pretty hard time working through your problems as long as you're in an environment permissive of them; the same reason why your bf has no interest in learning how to be frugal or productive.

How ya doing, buddy?

Well anyway Bob

If you're not ready to dump the motherfucker yet, then may I suggest a compromise?

A lot of the strife you've mentioned was the fact that the only way you can get him to do anything with you is if you pay for it. Obviously you should start going out without him.

I was speaking idiomatically.